(Matt is talking to Old Deuteronomy--who DIDN'T have a part, he was watching the whole thing though--before the second act.)

OLD DEUTERONOMY: So Matt, how's the parody coming?

MATT: Old Deuteronomy, everything that possibly could go wrong has gone wrong! Pouncival won't stop making smart cracks. Noilly Prat won't stop hitting on Juliet. Munkustrap's ego is so big we can't fit it through the door. Macavity's henchcats are acting like Mafia hit men. Jellylorum keeps chasing Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer...

OLD D: Relax, friend. It can only get better from here...

(a loud scream is heard)

MATT: What the heck was that?

(A very irate Tugger approaches the two.)

TUGGER: (waving his script around) OK, Matt, I've been fairly good throughout all these parodies. I've only got into a couple of fights, I only got really wasted once, and I haven't tried to escape. But THIS (points to a page in the script) is downright HUMILIATING! NO WAY am I doing this!

OLD D: Tugger, relax. We've all had to do it at one point or another in these parodies. Macavity's done it twice!

TUGGER: Good for him...but this is ME! I'll never live this down! (stomps off)

MATT: What was that you were saying, Old D? It can only get better?

OLD D: OK, so I'm not accurate all the time. What do you want from me?

(Act 2 begins as the Thanksgiving Follies is under way. This is the talent show that Demmie has been put in charge of running. After some backstage dialogue which we'll skip because I REALLY want to finish this thing off...)

ALL: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!!!

(...to move on to the NEXT two parodies I have planned...)

ALL: RATS!

(...let's just say that Emile de Munk appears backstage with some flowers. Tugger Billis says he'll give them to her, but Emile's not having it. Billis tells Emile that Demmie requested a transfer. In the meantime, Lt. Skimble enters during this conversation.)

SKIMBLE: Hey Billis...BILLIS!

MUNKU: Lt. Skimble?

SKIMBLE: Shh. Lt. Skimble is supposed to be in his little bed over at the hospital.

MUNKU: You have not been well?

MISTO: Of course he hasn't been well! He let Matt talk him into being in this parody! That's a common symptom of insanity.

SKIMBLE: I'm okay now. Fever gone. They can't hold me in that darn place any longer. I'm looking for a tom named Billis, a great tom for getting boats. And I need a boat right now. I've got to get to my island.

MUNKU: What?!

SKIMBLE: That island with the two volcanoes on it. You ever been over there?

MUNKU: Why, yes, I...

SKIMBLE: I went over there every day until this darn malaria stopped me. Have you sailed over early in the morning? With warm rain playing across your face?

POUNCE: Well...since cats hate water...NO.

MATT: POUNCIVAL! Must you always spoil romantic moments like that?

POUNCE: Yes.

(while Matt starts chasing Pouncival around, Cassiat enters with Bloody Grizzy, and she makes a beeline for Lt. Skimble.)

SKIMBLE: I thought I was dreaming.

CASS: Non.

SKIMBLE: What are you doing over here?

GRIZ: She come in big white boat...bigger than your boat. Belong Jacques Gussere. He want to marry Cassiat. (she turns to Emile) You know him. (Emile nods yes and Grizzy turns back to Skimble) Is light-colored tom too. And very rich.

GUS: Huh? I thought I only played SPEAKING parts!

MATT: (who is now out of breath from chasing Pouncival) It worked. I'm too tired to argue.

SKIMBLE: (to Cassiat) Is that the old planter you told me about? The one who drinks? (Emile nods yes.) Oh, my Everlasting Cat! (turns to Grizzy) You can't let her marry a tom like that!

JEMI: Cass, married to Gus? EWWWW!

VICKY: It might work, Cass might want to do an Anna Nicole Smith-type thing...

JELLY: Young ladies!

GRIZ: (to Skimble) Hokay! Then YOU marry her!

MUNKU: (after cussing Grizzy out in French) Lieutenant, I am worried about you. You are ill. Will you allow me to see you back to the hospital?

SKIMBLE: YOU'RE worried about ME?! That's funny. The tom who says he lives on an island all by himself and doesn't worry about anybody--Japanese, Americans, Germans, anybody. Why pick out me to worry about?

MUNKU: Forgive me. I'm sorry, Lieutenant. (he leaves, as Grizzy tries to get Lt. Skimble to marry Cassiat...)

GRIZ: Lootellan, you like Cassiat--MARRY CASSIAT! You have good life here. Look, Lootellan, I am rich. I save six hundred dollar before war. Since war I make two thousand dollar...war go on I make maybe more. Sell grass skirts, boar's teeth, real human heads. GIve all the money to you and Cassiat...(she goes on like this and music starts up...and then she starts to sing while Cassiat dances...)

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk

Talk about things you'd like to do

You got to have a dream

If you don't have a dream

How you gonna have a dream come true?

Talk about a moon

Floatin' in the sky

Lookin' like a lily on a lake,

Talk about a bird

Learnin' how to fly

Makin' all the music he can make,

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk

Talk about things you'd like to do,

You got to have a dream,

If you don't have a dream,

How you gonna have a dream come true?

Talk about a star

Lookin' like a toy

Peekin' through the branches of a tree,

Talk about a queen,

Talk about a tom,

Countin' all the ripples on the sea...

RIPPLE: You called?

MATT: NOT YOU, RIPPLE!

GRIZ: (hisses at Ripple and continues) Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk

Talk about things you'd like to do,

You got to have a dream

If you don't have a dream

How you gonna have a dream come true!

MATT: Hey Fortune, you wanted to be in this number? It's Cass's dance solo, now's your chance!

FORTUNE: But how?

MATT: (hands Fortune a kazoo) Just blow into this!

(so we go into Cass's dance solo, while Fortune plays "Happy Talk" on the kazoo...)

VICKY: I'm just glad it's not me this time.

ALONZO: You're telling me!

(...and Grizzy finishes her song. However, for some reason Lt. Skimble can't marry Cassiat, and she walks out of his life.)

SKIMBLE: Eh, no big whoop. Besides, Jellylorum's my queen.

MATT: SKIMBLESHANKS! You're supposed to feel BAD about this!

(meanwhile, during all this drama we have forgotten that the Thanksgiving follies are still going on! Demmie is about to make an introduction...)

DEM: Now toms, before we come to the last act of our show, it is my great pleasure to bring you our skipper, Captain George Bustett.

(Capt. Bustett approaches the stage)

BUSTOPHER: Up to now, our side has been having the heck beat out of it in two hemispheres and we're not going to get to go home until that situation is reversed. It may take a long time before we can get any big operation under way, so it's things like this, like this show tonight, that keep us going. Now I understand that I am not generally considered a sentimental type. Once or twice I understand I have been referred to as "Old Iron Belly".

POUNCE: "Old Lard Belly" is more like it!

BUSTOPHER: I resent that very much because I had already chosen that as my private name for our Executive Officer, Commander Rumpuson. Take a bow, Commander!

(Commander Rumpuson comes on, flanked by two queens.)

QUAXO: I wish I was a commander!

BUSTOPHER: I want you to know that both "Old Iron Bellies" sat here tonight and had a heck of a good time.

(There's more dialogue, but if we keep Bustopher going, the rest of the cats will be put to sleep, much like when Old Deuteronomy is in the narrator's chair...so to make a long story short, Commander Rumpuson introduces the last number...)

RUMPUS: The next and last will be a song sung by Bosun Butch Forbush, and that Siren of the Coral Sea, gorgeous, voluptuous and petite Mademoiselle Tuggeria...(he's in a bit of a shock since he can't stand the guy and ends it on a high note) BILLIS?!

(Demmie comes out wearing a sailor suit.)

DEM: My queen is as dainty as a sparrow,

Her figure is something to applaud,

Where she's narrow, she's as narrow as an arrow

And she's broad where a broad should be broad,

A hundred and one pounds of fun

That's my little honey bun

Get a load of honey bun tonight!

I'm speakin' of my sweetie pie

Only sixty inches high

Every inch is packed with dynamite!

Her fur is blonde and curly

Her curls are hurly-burly

Her lips are pips!

I call her hips Twirly and Whirly,

She's my baby,

I'm her pap!

I'm her booby,

She's my trap,

I'm caught and I don't wanna run

'Cause I'm havin' so much fun with Honey Bun!

TUGGER: There is NO WAY I'm coming out like this!

MAC: Tugger, if I could do it, YOU can do it.

TUGGER: (growls) Oh, all right...

(Macavity shoves Tugger out on stage, and we see that he's wearing a blonde wig, a coconut bra, a grass skirt, and his face is covered in eyeshadow and lipstick.)

MISTO: Hey Tugger, you look good enough to kiss!

BOMB: I guess that means I wear the pants in our relationship!

JULIE: Where's my camera?! THIS is a Kodak moment!

TUGGER: Are you satisfied, Matt? I'll NEVER live this one down!

(Anyhow, they finish the song, and Tugger gives Demmie the flowers Emile gave him. He later tells her they were from Emile, and later, Emile and Skimble show up, and Demmie reveals she can't continue her relationship because of Emile's relationship with his kittens' Polynesian mother...)

DEM: It isn't as if I could give you a good reason. There is no reason. This is emotional. This is something that is born in me.

MUNKU: It is not! I do not believe this is born in you!

(More dialogue, leaving Emile and Skimble to discuss Demmie...)

MUNKU: What makes her talk like that? Why do you have this feeling, you and she? I do not believe it is born in you. I do not believe it!

SKIMBLE: It's not born in you, it happens after you're born...

(sings)

You've got to be taught to hate and fear

You've got to be taught from year to year

It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear

You've got to be carefully taught!

You've got to be taught to be afraid

Of cats whose eyes are oddly made

And cats whose fur is a different shade

You've got to be carefully taught!

NUNZIO: (to the rest of Mac's henchcats) C'mon guys, they don't want us here no more.

BIG VITO: Uh, Nunzio, I think they're only acting.

MAC: Shut up, you nimrods! Henchcats, sheesh!

SKIMBLE: (continues) You've got to be taught before it's too late

Before you are six or seven or eight

To hate all the cats your relatives hate...

You've got to be carefully taught!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT!

(talks here) You've got the right idea, De Munk...live on an island. Yes, sir, if I get out of this thing alive, I'm not going back there! I'm coming here. All I care about is right here. The heck with the rest!

MUNKU: When all you care about is here, this is a good place to be. When all you care about is taken away from you, there is no place...I came so close to it...so close...

JEMI: Tissue time again, kitties!

MUNKU: (sings) One dream in my heart,

One love to be living for,

One love to be living for,

This nearly was mine,

One queen for my dreams,

One partner in paradise,

This promise of paradise,

This nearly was mine...

(Mistoffolees shines the spotlight directly on Munkustrap)

MUNKU: (continues) Close to my heart she came,

Only to fly away,

Only to fly as day flies from moonlight!

Now, now I'm alone,

Still dreaming of paradise,

Still saying that paradise,

Once nearly was mine.

(a tear forms in his eye)

MATT: Easy on the spotlight, Misto!

MUNKU: (continues) So clear and deep are my fancies

Of things I wish were true,

I'll keep remembering evenings

I wish I'd spent with you,

I'll keep remembering kisses

From lips I'll never own

And all the lovely adventures

That we have never known...

CET: *sniff* Poor Munkustrap!

LEC: I just want to *sob* give him a hug! (reaches for the Kleenex)

MUNKU: (trying not to smirk as he watches the kittens' reaction to his performance) One dream in my heart

One love to be living for

One love to be living for,

This nearly was mine,

One queen for my dreams,

One partner in paradise,

This promise of paradise,

This nearly was mine.

JEMI: *sniff* Beautiful.

MUNKU: Close to my heart she came,

Only to fly away,

Only to fly as day flies from moonlight...

Now...now I'm alone,

Still dreaming of paradise,

Still saying that paradise... (a cell phone goes off. It turns out to be Noilly Prat again.)

VICKY: Aw, man!

JELLY: GRRR! Always during the dramatic moments!

NUNZIO: Hey, ya want us to beat him up again?

MUNKU: No, I'LL handle it. NOILLY PRAT, YOU'RE FIRED!

NP: Munk, babe, you can't fire me! Look at what I got you! I MADE YOU!

MUNKU: When you interrupt my big song with a cell phone going off, that gives me grounds to fire you. Jen, Rumpus, if you please?

(The Great Rumpus Cat grabs Noilly Prat by his tail and stuffs him in Jennyanydots' catapult. Jennyanydots then launches it, sending Noilly Prat flying out of the junkyard. Having been brought back to earth, Munkustrap finishes his song...)

MUNKU: ...ONCE NEARLY WAS MIIIIIINE!!!!

(After this song, he decides to go with Skimble to Marie Louise Island to carry out the military operation. We then go to Rumpuson and Bustett's office, where they find out that Tugger Billis had hidden in the baggage compartment of one of the planes out on the military operation. Lt. Buzz Admetams brings Billis in the office...)

BUSTOPHER: This is one of the most humiliating things that ever happened to me.

POUNCE: What about the time Rumpleteazer hit that high note and broke your monocle?

BUSTOPHER: (ignoring Pouncival and continuing) Admetams, when did you discover he was on the plane?

ADMETUS: (happy that he's getting more than one line at a time, so he's a bit excited in his monologue delivery here) Well, sir, we'd been out about an hour, it was still dark, I know. Well, we were flying across Marie Louise. The Japanese anti-aircraft spotted us and made that hit. That's when Tugger...er, this tom here...that's when he left the ship. I just circled once, time enough to drop him a rubber boat. Some New Zealanders in P-40's spotted him though and kept circling around him while I flew across the island and landed alongside the sub, let Joe and the Frenchtom off. By the time I got back to the other side of the island, our Navy planes were flying around in air above this tom like a thick swarm of bees. They kept the Japanese guns occupied while I slipped down and scooped him off the rubber boat. You'd have thought this tom was a ninety million dollar cruiser they were out to protect. There must have been fifty-five or sixty planes.

TUGGER: Sixty-two.

BUSTOPHER: You're not far off, Admetams. Rumpuson tells me this thing cost the Navy about six hundred thousand dollars...

TUGGER: Six hundred thous...

BUSTOPHER: What the heck are you so happy about?

TUGGER: I was just thinking about my uncle. (to Admetams) Remember my uncle I was telling you about?

POUNCE, TUMBLE, & CARB: Shut your freakin' face, uncle f...

MATT: DON'T SING THAT SONG!

TUGGER: (continues) He used to tell my dad that I'd never be worht a dime! Him and his lousy slot machines. Can you imagine a guy...

(Anyhow, Bustett and Rumpuson are going to throw the book at Billis for breaking every regulation there is, but Admetams says that he created a diversion...so he gets off the hook this time. There are some more scenes describing the military tactics which we'll skip...so we'll go to the next scene at the radio operators'...Demmie enters looking for Emile, and Bustett tells her that he and Lt. Skimble are behind enemy lines...then Emile's voice is heard on the radio...)

ADMETUS: Hey, didn't I get another long monologue in there?

MATT: Yeah, but we're skipping it for time's sakes. Be glad you got to say the first big monologue you had.

JENNY: Jeez, someone's in a rush to finish this!

MUNKU: (offstage) Hello. Hello, my friends and allies. My message today must be brief and sad. Lt. Skimble, my friend Joe, died last night. He died from wounds he received three days ago. I will never know a finer tom. I wish he could have told you the good news. The Japanese are pulling out and there is great confusion. Our guess is that the Japanese will try to evacuate troops from Cape Esperance tonight. You may not hear from us for several days. We must move again. Two planes are overhead. They are looking for us, we think. We believe that...(a plane motor is heard...) What?...What?... Goodbye!

(all is quiet. The radio operator--Mistoffolees--is working the dials frantically.)

BUSTOPHER: Is that all? Is that all? Can't you get them back?

MISTO: No, sir. They're cut off.

DEM: Poor Joe. Poor little Joe Skimble.

POUNCE: Relax, Demeter. Skimble's not really dead.

TUMBLE: Yeah, as soon as he found out his character was killed, he went to the liquor store for our after-parody booze up.

(Skimble enters, out of costume, holding two big bags)

SKIMBLE: The beer is here!

MATT: Great. Veroni's going to murder me when she sees you guys drunk.

DEM: (hugs Bustett) Captain Bustett, do you think there's a chance I'll ever see Emile de Munk again? If you don't think so, will you tell me?

BUSTOPHER: There's a chance. Of course there's a chance.

DEM: I didn't know he was going...

BUSTOPHER: Of course not. How could he tell you he was going? Now don't blame Emile de Munk. He's OK, he's a wonderful guy.

CARB: Please, don't sing that song again!

DEM: Uh-huh! (she leaves)

BUSTOPHER: He has got a chance, hasn't he, Bill?

BILL BAILEY: You called?

BUSTOPHER: NOT YOU, BILL!

GEORGE: At least I didn't say it this time!

RUMPUS: Of course. There's always a chance.

BUSTOPHER: Come on, let's get out of here!

POUNCE: My sentiments exactly!

(Anyhow, after two more scenes, one of which entails Demmie having to tell Bloody Grizzy and Cassiat that Lt. Skimble is dead, we go to the company street in which Tugger Billis, Professor George, and Stewplato are talking to Bustett and Rumpuson. They want to do Demmie a favor and rescue Emile, but he had already left, so Demmie doesn't know if he's dead or alive or not, as the military toms all ship out. We then go to see Demmie at Emile's house, comforting his two kittens, Jemgana and Quaxome. Planes are heard...well, it's Tantomile cranking up the sound effects.)

DEM: The big ones are battleships and the little ones are destroyers or cruisers, I never can tell the difference. And what on Earth are those?

QUAXO: P-40's.

(Anyway, there's more talking, until Emile and Admetams come in. Emile is relieved to see Demmie, and they hold paws as the curtain falls.)

ALL: Awwwwww.

*END OF ACT 2*

MUNKU: By the way guys, sorry about my ego lately. I now realize what a pain in the butt Noilly Prat was.

JULIE: We forgive you.

GRIZ: We just won't forgive HIM.

TUGGER: Out of curiosity, I wonder where he landed when Rumpus Cat and Jennyanydots launched him out of the junkyard in that catapult.

POUNCE: (looking through a telescope) I see him! He's in that bus depot, next to that 400-pound wino who wants to clean his fur!

TUMBLE: HA! Serves him right!

*THE END*