All the Jellicles are running around, going nuts and the Junkyard is covered in steel bars and there are no longer any available…
Pouncival: I'm going to hurt some one!
Munkustrap: at least you don't have to wear little kid pajamas.
Pouncival: I have to wear a skirt!
Munku: oh yeah. Um... hee, I laugh at your misfortune.
The overture:
Anyway, before we get off way off course, let's get going.(The rock music starts up and Munku is wearing a pair little kid pajamas, playing with some toy trains. And so it begins.)
Munkustrap:
This is control. This is control. Tonight is the most importanest night in the world ever! Put your paws together for the champion racers of the Junkyard. Trains to your places. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Trains gone! 4 trains going for the final places. Alonzo and Plato are the early leaders with Skimble pressing in a close third. And here's a big surprise; look at Tumblebrutus go!
Jenny: Put those trains away.
Munku: Oh mom- just 5 more minutes.
Jenny: No
Munku: 2 more minutes?
Jenny: no
Munku: 1 more minutes? But mom-
Jenny: no buts. Get into bed. Now. ^Shuts the door after tucking Munku in bed ^
Munku: ^singing ^
Starlight Express, Starlight Express
Are you real? Are you real?
Starlight Express, Starlight Express
The introduction
Munku: ^whispering, slowly getting louder
This is control. Tonight is racing night. Let's here it for the champ engines of the Junkyard!
From France the black and white little cat- Mistoffelees
From Italy, the fast guy who loves Victoria- Plato
From Germany- on time again! - Asparagus
From mother Russia- our own bad guy ginger tabby- Macavity
The Japanese- the bullet and original train cat- Skimbleshanks
From our beloved London- the great Rumpus Cat
Er, the British Rail way announces that there's a delay because the Rumpus Cat lost his blanket.
And finally, from the America State of United! I mean the USA, the main champion: the greatest racer of all times- ALONZO!!!!!!
Fastest Toms
Alonzo appears wearing boxes and roller skates.
Alonzo and gang:
I'm just quickest thing you can ever see
That streak of fur you missed of me
Can't stop now- I'm running all day and night
Tough Toms! The fastest Toms!
You have to have wheels, to earn your meals
You have no lovers if you have no wheels
No way, you can go faster than I can!
This my tail view and that's you can see
Can't stop now- running all day and night!
So get your skates moving anyway how.
The racing's already won.
Because no way I can be out done.
Fastest Toms
Fastest Toms
Fastest Toms!
Meow for me!
^four cats appear as Alonzo goes offstage, the Carriages, including an agitated Pouncival who's wearing a skirt and skates and make-up ^
Jemima and other Carriages:
Whoo-whoo, Whoo-whoo, gotta go as a steam train
Whoo-whoo, Whoo-whoo, I'm waiting for the dream train.
Jemima:
I'll know him, if I see him
For long before I can see him
I'll hear that far off call
I'll hear that distant signal.
And then he'll meow for me.
He'll send that sound to woo me
He'll meow at me
I'm gonna hitch him to me
Some day, maybe today, he'll meow for me
That's how I can know him
And maybe I'll sing for him
That should surprise him
Don't give me deep humming
Horns, bells, or annoying drumming
I want a low purring
As it rises to high notes
Please meow for me
I'm in hyper-nation
I need him to meow for me
I'm waiting in the station
Come on, someone meow for me
I'm longing to be near him
I'll have him meow to me
I'll know him if I hear him
He'll meow for me
Freight Toms (and Queens)
Cassandra: Oh no! oh shucks!
Victoria: It's the freight Toms. The dumb Poms
Pouncival: 40 tons of empty chrome. the lights are on-
Cassandra: but no one is home.
Jemima: let's have some fun. Let's play a joke
Victoria: I'd rather just have a smoke
Pouncival: here they come to fill this station with witty-
Cassandra: intelligent conversations!
Freight Toms:
Freight is great (Brilliant!)
Freight is great
We carry weight 'cuz we're freight
And Freight is great (I didn't catch that!)
Freight is great.
We can not sulk, we take the bulk
'Cuz we're freight (Oh wow.. I'm impressed)
And freight is great!
Carriages:
Listen to what we say.
Never stand litter and sand
In your head, no one's aboard.
I can't stand to be a freight,
I got to be a living breathing social Queen.
Freight Toms:
Freight is great.
And we are freight.
'cuz freight is great
Toms/Carriages:
Freight/Never can stand litter and sand
Is great/ in you're head no one's aboard
We carry Freight/ I can't stand to be a fright
Because we're Freight/ I have to be a living breathing social Queen.
It's craters and mousers/It's Mommies and poppies
Quarters and dimes/ People always on time.
Freight!/Folks/Lairs!/Fares!
Kittens, fems, and male/
Litter, meat, and tails/
Are great, are great, are great, are great!!!
Munku:
Control, control. You guys stop it because I control guy says so. Toms identify yourselves! Box cars?
Admetus:
I'm Admetus, my pals are vague like me.
Quaxo:
I'm invisible guy two.
Bill Bailey:
and me three.
The 3 invisables:
We only can ever get sick
Is when some one calls us a-
Jellyorum: Stop the music! No way, you guys can put that here! There's little kids reading this.
Quaxo: Sorry ma'am. We didn't write it. That'd be the Author's fault.
Author: Ok sorry! But I don't any words that rhyme with sick except-
Jellyorum: Just skip to the next verse please! ^music starts back up again ^
Munku:
Call out, brick truck!
Mungojerrie:
Name's Flattop. who ya lookin' at?
I carry bricks. Nothin' wrong wit 'at.
No' ya roit day don't match, bu' their heavy.
'Ere catch!
Munku: Big girl hopper!
Mungo: yeah' 'at's you Teaz'
Munku: Big girl? Just say 'present'.
Rumpleteazer:
I'm the girl 'opper
I'm no box!
The invisibles:
Yeah your head's full o' rocks!
Teaser:
Day ain't rocks! Just for this play, bits of gravel
'ow else can gravel travel?
Teaser and Mungo: both start to laugh and giggle
Playin' in and travlin' wit gravel an'
Hoping we 'on't get wet
Wotar and mortar do stuff
they ain't to oughta
Empty us before we steal it!
Pouncival: how come she got to be a freight and she's a girl!
Author: I liked her accent. Besides, you look nice in that outfit.
Pouncival oh really? I think silver doesn't go with my fur exactly but the white compliments it...
Author: That'll keep him busy.
Everything resumes before Pouncival interrupted.
Freight Toms:
Down we make a rack
School we had A's and B's and back
Our intelligence we lack
But we know one things and that one thing is
Freight is great!
Freight is great!
Carriages/ Freight Toms:
It's craters and mousers/It's Mommies and Poppas
Quarters and dimes/Get there on time
Freight!/ Folks/Lairs!/ Fares!
Kittens, fems, and males/
Litter, meat, and tails/
On the rails, through the trails, sharpen your nails, and to the rails,
Are great, are great, are great, are great!!!
Pouncival: you guys, do I have do this?
Macavity: I'll pay you 2 catnip mice if you do it.
Pouncival: Done!
Bombalurina: this oughta be good
Pouncival:
Pounci at your service
Ever open wide
My microwave is cooking to warm you from inside
A whole lotta locomotion will do the trick
Come and bite the burgers
I'm hot and cheap and quick!
Everyone in the junkyard is rolling around laughing, including the orchestra.
Pouncival: That was thoroughly humiliating. Now let's get on with the show...
The music starts up shakily and the next song begins.
AC/DC
Control: hey look! A late entry. A new super star!
Jemima: He's got a gun! I'm against violence
Gus: Hi! My name's Gus. I'm playing Tugger's armament truck.
Everyone: Isn't it Electra?
Gus: Well in the other musical, Electra is a GUY electric train and-
Exotica: Spare us Gus!
Mungojerrie: Tugger's gotta' be rich to 'ave a repair truck.
Rumple: Or very not reliable!
Etcetra: I'm Etcetra, Tugger's dynamite truck!
Electra: I'm Electra, Tugger' s freezer truck. I wanted to play his part but no-
Etcetra: Tugger is hot!
Electra: cool!
Etcetra: Tugger is hot!
Electra: cool!
Etcetra, Electra, Gus, and Exotica:
A mega-star- a mega furball
Rich, furry, annoying. Hot cool, powerful.
Rich, furry, annoying. Hot cool, powerful.
Tugger…. Tugger… Tugger.. Tugger…
Tugger:
I can be electric
I have great magnetism, I do agree.
All electric, all anticipation
Contact at the station
AC/DC, no difference to me!
I'm electric- mind how you touch me
You might ruff my fur the wrong way
I'll set you on fire
Pull up and reach the lightning
Watch Misto have jealously!
Misto: I'm the one supplying the special effects including your bolts Tugger!
Author: Calm down. I was going to have to play this but you are so much cuter as a French train.
Misto: Really? I always liked pasta!
Munku: Isn't that Italy?
Misto: oh well. I like French fries.
Author: two in a row!
Tugger: Is the song over? I don't like this part.
Author: yeah it's ok, Tugger. Well go to the next one. ALONZO! Your turn.
Alonzo: yahoo! I get to sing another song!
Tugger: Shut up and do it then.
Shedding fur
Munku: Uh-oh.. look who's come to steal all our queens..
Pouncival, Cassandra, Jemima, and Victoria:
It's Alonzo! Alonzo! Alonzo the big guy diesel. Hey there big boy, please race with me!
Cassandra: Back off Barbie's! His miiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Alonzo: Here comes a man with a steel reframe. I'm a knocking'
The diesel on its way, I'll win this race, throw it on their face.
Hear me a knock!
(gives Pouncival a kiss)
Listen to the clatter of the kittens' teeth
And this sword is too much for any sheath.
I'm just too much even for Tugger's rock
See me hustle
The heat makes you lose your hair
You're shedding fur!
Trying get the girls
And trying to annoy the guys
(drop kicks Misto)
Misto: You'll pay you little---
Jellyorum: I said no swearing!
Cassandra and other carriages:
You know he's too much for steam
He's a one-man team
And the big leader of the fighting squad
And we can't think of anymore rhymes.
So, we'll end our verse, now!
Alonzo: See me rock!
See me hustle,
While the mice bustle
Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun-
Rumpelteaser: Wrong verse, dumb nut!
Alonzo: Sorry!
Heading for the Junkyard
Gonna win all the races
I'm the Jelliclest
and the fastest and the strongest
When I'm a shedding, you see fur everywhere.
The heat is rising and I say this much,
I'm the best of the bunch.
I'm making you shed!
The male Ego
Alonzo: You, you're talkin' bull.
Tugger: My charms are taking over.
Alonzo: You'll have to beat classic Jellicle looks!
The Invisables: We don't believe either of you.
You don't have a chance.
'Cuz you all got you're minds on Jem.
Tugger: I'll still whoop them!
Alonzo: No you won't. I'm the biggest and the bestest and don't you forget!
Tugger: I'll win!
Tumblebrutus: No, I will!
Misto: Can it be? Really?!? Yes no oh hi oh my eye! my mind may be wondering but I must confess I believe it is Old-
Exotica: CAN ANYONE GET THE VERSES RIGHT?
Misto: Sheesh! I wish you'd go back to fading in the background.
Tumble: Please listen. I do have a chance.
Alonzo and Tugger: Yeah right! I'm the bestest and don't you forget!
Skimble: I'm the original railway cat, and I'm going to win!!!!!!
Rumpus Cat: Will not. I'm the biggest and I'll run past all o' you.
Misto: Not if I take your blanket away!
Rumpus: no! Not my blankie!
Munkustrap: G'yah! Shut up!!! All of you just shut up! The author will hear!
Author: Someone said my naaaaaaame. I'm heeeeeeeeeeere!
Munkustrap: Everyone, hurry and get the song over with. She likes the next scene.
Tumble: Listen to me. I can see it now.
Others: No way, Tumble!
You're old and you're rusty, dusty and you smell musty.
Go back to the junkyard where you belong.
While we try and finish up this song.
Tumble: You guys, I'm not kidding. I think I could beat you in a real race.
Alonzo: We said go back to the trashcan, kid.
Tugger: You haven't a chance, I'm gonna beat you.
Haven't a chance I'm gonna win.
(The other engines chant the same line over and over again as Tumble sings)
Tumble: Earth, water, fire, wind,
Water, air ,fire, water, wind fire,
Steam will rise higher!
Rise higher!
Carriages/ Freight Toms:
It's craters and mousers/ Mommies and poppas
Quarters and dimes/ People always on time.
Freight!/ Folks/Lairs!/ Fares!
Kittens, fems, and male/
Litter, meat, and tails/
On the rails, through the trails, sharpen your nails, and to the rails,
Beware of the kittens' intent to avenge,
The wagons that think they're dragons,
And the litter box is empty,
and the fact Humans are in bed,
Are great, are great, are great, are great!!!
Insane
Author: I love this song! It's my favorite!
Munkustrap: Here author, author, author., Here's a nice straight jacket for you…
Author: No, stupid, stupid, stupid. I ain't falling for that old trick.
Tumble: Where I go the carriages gotta follow.
*BEEP* you pollicles, Road hogs!
I ride along now and forever.
Hold on, this is gonna be one wild ride!
Pounce, Jemima, Victoria, and Cassandra:
Insane. You have to see he's really insane.
Love him if you can.
but he's crazy, gone insane, insane I tell you!
Tumble: Watch me, see me hit the horizon
Jemima: Boy you're fast! Can I race with you?
Tumble: Ride with me, and you know I'm the best.
No one is as smooth as I can move.
Pounce, Jemima, Victoria, and Cassandra:
Insane. You have to see he's really insane.
Love him if you can.
but he's crazy, gone insane, insane I tell you!
(They ride around in little circles, humming and bopping along.)
Tumble: Hold on tight.
I can go ever faster!
Watch where you put your hands, Jemima!
Off into the sunset we'll all ride.
Jemima: Till I meet some one better.
Pounce, Jemima, Victoria, and Cassandra:
Insane. You have to see he's really insane.
Love him if you can.
But he's crazy, gone insane, insane I tell you!
Tumble: You know I'm crazy!
I'm off the walls and insane!
I'm really insane! Crazy! Crazy!
Everyone: We're all CRAZY!
I'm torn apart
(Everyone skates offstage while Jemima remains.)
Jemima: I don't know what to do.
Tumble is great and he's nice and I'm attracted to him.
But he's not as great and fast as Alonzo or Tugger.
And I think that my guy should win.
What am I going to do?
Etcetra: Jemima! Guess what?
Tugger wants you to race with him!
Better hold on tight so not to lose a limb!
(Skates off)
Tumble: Jemima! You're racing with Tugger?
Tell me I heard wrong!
I thought you liked me all along.
I know now who's racing with me.
No one! Not even the Invisibles, 1, 2, or 3!
(Runs backstage, leaving Jemima all alone.)
Jemima: I'm very confused now.
It's time to chose between the two of them.
I can not seem to start.
It's tearing me apart.
Really, I feel torn apart.
Bomb says two lovers are all the better.
I don't follow but the guys let her.
One of them is good and makes me smile.
The other is fast at 10 minutes a mile.
My heart is torn apart.
My soul is torn apart.
Tumble makes my heart skip
But Tugger makes me sweat.
I'm not sure which is better.
You'd think the more the more fun.
I can't chose what's to be done.
I need help for I love one but love the other.
My heart is torn apart.
Oh my soul is torn apart.
I guess I'll ride with Tugger just to see what happens.
or
Take me away from this craziness!!
Starlight Express belongs to The Really Useful Group and Andrew Lloyd Webber and no profit has been made off of this parody.
This fic is © RubyFire
