Munkustrap: Space... that place between this author's ears.
Kelonzi: HEY!
Munku: These are the voyages of the Starship Improvise. Our mission- to finish this fic by the end of Kelonzi's school week.
Kelo: Enough with the jokes! This is only a 40 minute study hall, you know.
Skimble: My only question is.. why now?
Kelo: Because I'm bored and homeworkless... I did it all in class.
Misto: Whoa! Doing actual work in school. Radical new concept!
Kelo: Will you pipe down?! I could send you and Skimble back to 'Misto' right now...
Misto and Skimble: WE'LL BEHAVE!!
Kelo: Thanks. Just one more little request--
Cats: (quite loudly) What?
Kelo: Keep the noise down! People are starting to stare at us here.
A plastic model suspended on yarn zips past as that all too familiar theme begins to play...
Vicky: Doo doo.. doo-doo-de-doo-doo....
Kelo: Scratch the music stuff.... people are REALLY staring intently now.
Vicky: You wanted to do this, Ms. I Have no Homework.
Munku: Stardate 12299. Our crew has just intercepted a distress call from the planet Lunchistorcher. There is apparently a plantet-wide epidemic of bad food plagueing the peaceful land. Hundreds complain of stomache pains and related icky stuff that we'll leave unnamed to save the readers appetites. They are shipped off to some place known as Nusesoffice and are never heard from again....
Kelo: Now that the narrative is over, we move into my favorite third-person omnipotent
point of view!
Tanti: You sound just a wee bit too excited about that, Kel.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Status, helm?" Captain Jim T. Shirt said as he strode from the turbo lift to his big 'boost the captain's ego' chair.
Munku: This thing tips!
Kelo: We're in the middle of a public school and you expect comfy leather chairs? Dream on. They're *all* hard backed
and tilt around like crazy from people leaning back in them.
Cori: (leaning back against a wall in a chair)
Kelo: AHEM?
Cori: Sorry. (slams the front legs back to the floor)
"We have arrived at the cooridinates, Captain," Helmsman Mistov said in a slightly too perky for day-to-day life, tone. The Captain made the decision, (after fixing his hair in the handy arm rest mirror) to beam down to the planet and have a look around.
Demi: That mirror looks a heck of a lot like tinfoil...
Kelo: So I had to use materials that were available in the middle of school!
Misto: Eh... Kel, your study hall pals appear to be running away.
Kelo: (looks at her watch) OH! Lunch time. You guys stay here and don't go anywhere, or I'll have a lot to explain for and I'd
kinda like to avoid the principal if it's alright with you...
Cats: (nod, wait a few minutes and follow Kel out)
AFTER LUNCH
Kelonzi marches back into study hall muttering incoherant things under her breath,
soon followed by an entourage of sulking cats.
Kelo: Nightmare.... I'm gonna pinch myself and wake right up... on the upside, things can't get much worse... but there was
Tugger in the senior lounge.... Cori stacking plastic lunch trays on his head.... *whimpers*
Cori: Sorry again. (removes the remaining tray and plays with it)
Demi: I liked your friend. She gave me fries.
Kelo: To get you to go someplace that was away!!
Misto: Alright, I'm probably gonna shoot myself later for saying this, but maybe we should get on with this thing. Time's
a-wastin'!
Kelo: Why not? At this point, things couldn't get much worse...
Etcetera: Never say never!
The landing party consisting of Captain Shirt, Skimbly, Dr. MunGoy and Mr. Tugger Schlock assemble together to beam down to the planet Lunchistorcher. Why Shirt decided to take his entire senior staff while there is a perfectly healthy compliment of background cats in red shirts for the plucking, is beyond me, but oh well. They beam down-- okay, maybe beam is a strong word. They take the school elevator, (which is so slow, that walking may have been a quicker option. But on the flip side, they finally get there.
"Signs of life, Mr. Schlock?" Shirt asked his science officer as soon as they stepped off what passed for modern technology on this backwards planet. Schlock walked over to a strange white box, opened it and stuck his head inside.
"Many species reside within, Captain. They appear to have the necessary appendages to indicate functionality-- arms, legs and some with strange green fuzz."
"It's the refridgerator, 'ya bloody moron!" Engineer Skimbly spat out in his thick scottish accent.
"Fascinating," Schlock replied as he leaned farther in for a better look.
Tugger: I got to say it! I got to say 'the line'!
Demi: Fascinating line, Tugger.
Tugger: Precisely!
Demi: Huh? You got to say Precisely?
Tugger: Fascinating!
Demi: I know.. I said that.
Kelo: Can we move on here, Abbott and Costello?
Both: Who?
Suddenly, a large green tentical-thing reached out and pulled Schlock into the refridgerator--
Tugger: Hey! You're trouncing all over my moment of happiness here!
--and slammed the door behind him so as not to waste energy.
Tugger: (inside the fridge) That's it! You are so off my Christmas list this year!
"He's been captured!" Shirt exclaimed, followed by silence. The remaining two crew members gave their captain a 'tell us something we don't know' look. Since he was now minus one crew member, Shirt called the ship to beam down a fresh supply of expendables, via the use of his handy-dandy shoe phone.
Rumple: Now we're mixin' Star Trek wit' 007 movies? Help!
Kelo: BWAHAHAHA! Fear my incredible author-powers!
"...preferrably in those neat little red shirts, too." the captain finished his conversation and hung up, (aka- Put his shoe back on).
Jemi: Why red shirts?
Jenny: You'll see dear.
Lec: You've watched Star Trek?
Jenny: Um... kittens should be seen and not heard!
Misto: She always says that when she doesn't wanna answer you.
Plato: On the flip side, at least Munku put his shoe back on.
Munku: Hey! I wear odor eaters!
Plato: Smelled like they ate their fill a long while ago.
After a rather long waiting period, the expendable extras arrived via elevator. They stood at attention like good little brain-dead stand-in's...
Etcetera, Electra, Tumblebrutus, Exotica: We resent that!
AHEM! They stood at attention like GOOD LITTLE STAND-INS, when they were suddenly trampled by a mob of the planets' inhabitants with backpacks.
Misto: Backpacks?
Kelo: HEY! We're changing classes now.
Flat Cats: We noticed.
Kelo: Let's go!
PERIOD
Munku: Um... pardon me if I'm missing the point here, but isn't this your English class?
Kelo: Yeah.. so?
Munku: Doesn't this involve paying attention?
Kelo: Lucky for you guys it's rec reading day, so I can work on this thing uninterrupted!
Misto: Joy, rapture.
So, after the captain had called for a fresh supply of expandables to replace the others, (who were, you guessed it- wearing red shirts as well) they went about saving Schlock.
"You should split up to cover more ground in search of whoever's in charge here." Shirt decided for his brand-spankin' new minions.
Jemi: Even *I* know that splitting up is stratiegically unsound and just plain stupid.
The minions of red shirted crew men left in small groups as the captain had ordered, while Shirt and his remaining senior staff returned to the refridgerator to have a look around at where the tentical thinggy had appeared.
"We.... must decide what should be done." Shirt said in his typical fragmented way.
Kelo: Wow Munku! You're really getting Kirk's pausnia down to a science!
Munku: Thank you. I.... try.
Jemi: Pausnia? HUH?
Kelo: That's where you.. pause.. in the middle of a sentance for no particular reason at all.
Jelly: The end effect is quite annoying.
Jemi: Hey! Can I learn how to do that?
Jelly: Young lady!
After a few uneventful hours of tugging at the fridge handle and prodding the sides in various ways, Shirt and company give up and sit down. In the process of being seated, Skimbly's tunic got caught on something protruding from the side of the appliance. Trying to release it, Skimbly pressed the protrusion in and the door popped open.
"A.... latch," Shirt said estutely.
Lec: No... duh!
Shirt swung the door open and a deep-frozen Schlock fell into his arms, knocking them both to the floor. As Shirt raced to revive Schlock, MunGoy noticed someone approaching.
"Cap'n! We 'ave C'mny." MunGoy said.
Kelo: Whoa-oa! Back up the gravy train!
Pounce: Gravy train?
Kelo: Never mind.. Mungo, I couldn't understand a word of what you just said.
Mungo: Oi was tryin' ta' do a southern accent, but ma cockney one got in tha way!
Kelo: Well, just keep trying to say words and not--- whatever that was you just did.
Misto: You sure that's such a bright idea? He's hard to understand *normally*!
Mungo: Ya betta watch ya' back, lil' magic cat!
It was the rulers of the planet-- Principalis Grizabellus and her hapless man servant, Deuter Deanostudents...
Old Deuteronomy: You'd better pray that the faculty of the school *never* reads this.
Kelo: They'll never know the dif. These names are so incredibly not the same that they'll never suspect a thing.
Quaxo: **cough** yeah right **cough**
Jenny: (elbows Quaxo)
Quaxo: Ow!
"Captain Shirt!" Principalis said menacingly. "You have uncovered my sinister plot to take over the peaceful planet of Lunchistorcher! But that knowledge will do you little good-- your other men are dead, leaving you defenseless and my mutant QFM food poised to take over the universe! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
"My... men are all here. It.. appears you are mistaken!" Shirt said as he drew his weapon. The evil queen looked at him strangely.
"The other guys. Red shirts?" she said to him with raised eyebrows.
"Oh! Them." Shirt remembered. "No biggy."
Admetus: I demand to see my contract. We were barely on for five minutes!
Kelo: Yeah. That's the idea. The guys in the red shirts get to stand around, act stupid, and get killed off. Cool, huh?
Plato: Oh ye who hath forgotten the 'red shirt clause'. How I do so pity thee.
Schlock shivvered from the cold and the bad acting as he tried to talk through chattering teeth, (which made it hard for anyone to know exactly *what* he was saying, but they humored him).
"C-c-captain," he stuttered. "Th-th--ey're..."
"You're absolutly right, Mr. Schlock! They'll never... get away... with this!" Shirt said, cutting in on Schlock's attempt at speaking.
"N--no, n-n-not what I meant." Schlock drew in a deep breath as a bell sounded. "RUN!"
Schlock and company jumped clear of the hallway just in time for the stampede of citizens to once more make their appearance. The villians were summarilly squashed underfoot.
"I was going to say that the clock was getting quite close to that time every forty or so minutes when a ringing sounds and the people move about the planet." Schlock said, now a good deal warmer.
Plato: Clever use of the school bell, Kelon.
Demi: Cleaver's not the word I was going to use...
Kelo: Do I sense hostillity? Remember, I am author cat and as long as you are here, I reserve the right to stick you in a red
shirt and have you walk into a deep, dark cave.
With the villians now only good for throw rugs and coasters now, the panic was pretty much over. The fridge was cleaned out and the planet discovered the true beauty that was edible food. With the panic over, our heroes returned to their ship, (only having learned their lesson from earlier, they chose take the route back by foot). As the ship flys off into the stars, we hear screaming, because our cast just learned there are three more series' in need of parodying....
Demi: NOOOOO!
Bomb: Say it ain't so!
Asparagus: I'm afraid it is....
Bomb: I told you not to say that!
Munku: (to Kelonzi) Well, at least someone's happy about this thing... aren't you Kel?
Kelo: I dunno... something seems to be missing.
Misto: And how that certain tone in her voice makes me want to take off for the hills in panic....
Kelo: I KNOW WHAT WE NEED! A SONG!
Cats: Ugh.. no!
(to the tune of 'Star Trekkin'' by The Firm)
All:
Star Trekkin' across this universe.
On the Starship Improvise, under the Captain's Shirt!
Munku: Very funny.
Star Trekkin' across the universe!
Boldly going foreward
'Cuz we can't find reverse!
Skimble: Ya' kanna change the laws o' physics.... laws o' physics... laws o' physics!
Munku: We come in peace- shoot to grill... shoot to grill... shoot to grill!
Mungo: It's worse than that.... He's dead Jim.... Dead Jim... dead!
Tugger: There's life Jim... but not sane as *we* show it..... not sane as we know it... sane as we know it Captain!
Bomb: There's Cling-on's on the starboard bow.... starboard bow... starboard bow, Jim!
Star Trekkin' across the universe!
On the Starship Improvise, under Captain Shirt
Star Trekkin' across the universe
Boldly going foreward
And things still have the possibility of getting worse!
Admetus: Although that last line didn't rhyme at all.....
Kelo: So?
Tugger: We have finally hit the lowest of the low... parodying a parodying song.
Kelo: Ah, ah! I could tell you liked the little dance you did with that song!
Munku: Who choreographed it anyway?
Kelo: Me.
Munku: OH! Never mind then...
(the late bell rings)
Bomb: Hey Kel.. aren't you supposed to be in your next class now?
Kelo: Uh-oh! (grabs her bag) See ya'll later!!!
Tugger: Although she's gone, we know from experience that she'll be back with something worse real soon.
