Cori: Gosh, I wonder why that could be.
Kelo: They heard you guys were back, maybe?!
Munku: So we do two more of these and bye-bye Star Wreck?
Kelo: Maybe... then again there are always the nine movies.
Cats: AAAUURGH!
Kelo: In the meantime, let's hustle up here. The school bell waits for no cat!
Welcome back to you loyal Wreck readers out there.... still with us? Good. It's now been a generation since our last fic.
Munku: Uh, Kel. It's only been 24 hours.
ANYway... we see another plastic model zip by, (on twine this time around) as a newer, more richly orchestrated song plays in the background. Okay, so there's not an actual orchestra... alright so there's not even real instruments... it's just a cat sittin' pressing a few buttons on a synthesizer on cue like a trained rat.
Exotica: All my skills and I'm reduced to synthesizer cat! Hey... whaddya mean, 'trained rat'?!!
The new captain, Aspara Gus Slackard speaks through the vaccum of space, (which is scientifically impossible since sound waves can't travel in a vaccum, but why should science begin to matter here when sanity fled oh so long ago, huh?) He says...
Munku: Space.. that still vacant place between this author's ears. These are the voyages of the Starship Improvise-D (just so there's no confusion since we do have the same name as the first one and all..). Our continuing mission-- to yet again finish this fic by the end of Kel's school day, seek out new lows in comic relief, and to boldly go where no cat has gone before.
Kel: Time for my favorite omnipotent third person POV!
Vicky: Yea-ness.
We open, (as usual) on the bridge where everyone is busilly working on whatever it is that background cats do to keep themselves occupied while filling space.... except for the bold and *cough* fearless Captain, who's job it is to sit in a really cool looking chair and look as important as posible without doing any actual work.
Asparagus: So I'm just basically a figurehead? I can live with that.
"Status, helm?" Slackard asked the aritificial golden-colored catdroid, Plata.
Demi: You notice how generations can pass and yet the captain is still too lazy to read
an instrument panel?
Kelo: Are you guys telling this story or me?
The artificial lifeform ran his paws over the controls and reported.
"No change, sir." he quickly returned to doing the five things at once that he was oh so good at doing. Next to Plata was the blind-from-birth navigator, Pounci LaVal.
Munku: A blind guy's flying this thing? I'm assuming we have escape pods...
Pounce: Very funny. Uh, Kel? Why do I have this banana over my eyes anyway?
Kelo: Couldn't find anything else in my locker that resembled a 24th century visor-thinggy. Lucky thing I didn't eat my
whole lunch, huh?
Jemi: Aside from the fact that that banana will be a major ick source in about three hours from now.
They were flying along when out of nowhere's-ville a Cling-On ship fired on them with photon tomatoes. (Cut to the ship still on the twine being swung around by a rather large hairy paw. Tomatoes from Kel's lunch are periodically thrown, splattering all over).
Inside the ship, the cats all lurch around and are 'suddenly' thrown to the floor. That is except Pounce, who missed the cue to lurch and was still sitting in his chair when everyone else jumped. Realizing his boo-boo, he quickly joined the others on the floor. As they all 'struggle' to get back into their seats, there is a beeping sound...
"We're being hailed!" Plata said.
Kelo: Nah.. it's just time for Lunch. That was the bell.
Demi: Ooh! Can we come along? (as an afterthought) Again?
Kelo: NO WAY! I learned my lesson the last time, and this time around, (steps out into the hall) you're staying in this room.
(quickly slams and locks the door behind her).
Cats: (muffled complaints behind the door)
Kelo: (smiles and walks down the hall to Lunch)
AFTER LUNCH
Kel appears at the far end of the hallway with a long line of cats tied together
straggling along behind in single file.
Lec: Ouch! Kel, this pinches!
Kelo: Maybe you guys should have thought of that before you went AWOL on me.
Tugger: (looks up guiltilly) It wasn't what you thought..
Kelo: Oh yeah? I'm sitting there eating lunch when all of a sudden this twine dangles down in front of the window. The
next thing I know, this furry *ahem* LEOPARD SPOTTED cat slides down, humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible"!
Tugger: Okay, it was what you thought.
Bomb: But didn't he look sexy doin' it though? Ya know Tug.. scalin' the walls really turns me on.
Tugger: (growls sensually)
Kelo: Do you two need to be alone or can we get on with the fic, here?
Now where the heck were we? OH! Yes, of course....
"We're being hailed, Captain!" Plata reported as he sat back down at his station. After a few moments, he had the image of the Cling-On Commander up on the screen. As is customary when a new villian shows up, we must pause from the general dialogue and important action to bore you with some long drawn out background stuff on our new baddies...
Cling-Ons resemble normal Cats except for rather large toilet plungers stuck onto their foreheads. The end result makes them look like a plumber's version of a unicorn, and are the butt of most all jokes in the galaxy...
"Commander Suc'Tion!" Captain Slackard shouted in anger. "You have violated Peace Treaty XIV section 0276AZ138997.."
Cetera: How many sections are there?
".. 8271.03W." the Captain finished and began gasping for air. "Explain yourself!"
"We have come to demand that your federation fix the harm that they have caused to our homeworld!" the Cling-On spat out with vehmence. "Plum'Bing is in serious Jeopardy thanks to you Jellicles!"
"Will you please state that in the form of a question?" the Captain quipped.
"Are you mocking our dire situation, sir?" Suc'Tion growled.
"Never. *giggles* You were saying?" the Captain struggled to maintain his composure. Why mock a species' planetary disastor when there were so many more obvious things to mock them for? Like their headwear?
"Anyway..." the Commander noted the Captain's mirth and continued on. "The Federation invention-- Toiletion Papier was brought to our homeworld several months ago. We have prooved over the past few months however that this gift of good will was instead a sinister plot by you Jellicles to overrun our fair planet with sewer sludge. Our toilets are backed up captain and we're hopping mad and not going to take it anymore!!"
Quaxo: If you listen carefully you can hear the flushing of my dignity....
"NO!" the captain exclaimed. *dramatic chord* "Huh?" he looked up. "Where'd that come from?" While Captain Slackard searched his bridge for the source of the dramatic underscoring, Pounci LaVal looked up at the screen, (which he really couldn't see through the banana, but oh well).
"What do you want us to do about it, exactly?" Pounci looked up stubbornly.
"I'll.... I'll...." the Commander of the Cling-On ship turned to his officers behind him and hissed, "What will I do??" One whispered something and Suc'Tion nodded. Lowering his voice to achieve a maxium menacing atmosphere, he replied, "Something drastic!"
"Oooo.... scar-ey!" said a background cat mockingly. The Cling-On's eyes narrowed and instantly a Cling-On foot soldier appeared on the bridge, attacked the offending officer and sucked his brains out with his plunger. Grinning, the attacker quickly beamed back to his own ship and went to clean off his plunger.
"Hey!" said the First Officer, Willie B. Righthere, who decided to finally stand up and take notice of what was going on around him. "That was mean!"
"Duh." the Commander responded sarcastically.
Gathering up the shards of his pride, the First Officer signaled for their personal Cling-On convert, Rumpus, to cut the audio on their conversation, (aka-- Press the large green button on the control panel labeled 'mute').
"What should we do, Willie?" the Captain asked his trusty first cat.
Kittens: *giggle*
Cori: Don't make fun of the name!
Cetera: WILLIE!
Kittens: Eeeee!!!!!
Ignoring the hysterical laughter that errupted on the bridge when his name was mentioned, Righthere responded. "If our invention is causing these people any harm.. we must remove it. The Prime Directive, remember?"
Vicky: Also known as the biggest 'party poop' factor in the Galaxy...
"He's right," Pounci piped up. "Even if they are ugly smelly barbarians with pea brains and...."
"AHEM!" a voice came blaring over the intercom.
"I thought you hit mute, Rumpus!" Slackard hissed.
The Cling-On shrugged, opened up the panel cover and two small silvery things fell out into his paw. After a moment, he held them out and stated simply, "The batteries are dead, Aspara Gus."
Shrugging, Rumpus tossed the batteries behind him, hitting Counselor Tantoi and effectively decking her.
"This day just keeps getting better and better..." the Slackard replied as the form of the fallen over-acting counselor lolled about on the deck.
Tanto: I'M the overacting psychic? No fair! Why did it have to be me? Give me one good
reason why I should do this thing.
Kelo: Because you're the only cat besides your brother with psychic powers?
Tanto: Good reason.
The love-struck Willie Rightere raced to the Counselor's aid and cried out, "Will no one help her?"
On cue, the ship physician, Dr. Crunchypeanutbutter appeared to help their fallen comrade.
Misto: Lame.
Jelly: Token guest appearance plus dumb name equals what? That's right... shoddy fic.
Kelo: I'm warning you!
Just to further goop up the plot, the Cling-On captain decided to put in his two cents over the intercom.
"CAPTAIN! Things are getting quite... um, moist on Plum'Bing! If you don't do something about this we'll be forced to bring about the end of the galaxy with one colassal budget-busting explosion!" *dramatic chord*
"There's that sound again..." Slackard looked under his chair for the source. Now feeling ignored and unheard, (welcome to group therapy) the Cling-On beamed over some of his mindless minions to attack Slackard and his crew.
"Ty-D-Bowl Troups!" Tantoi sat up and screamed, and then quickly lay back down 'unconcious'.
Needless to say, a battle insued, (duh). In the end, the Cling-Ons managed to capture the Jellicles and prepared to carry out their 'bring about the end of the Galaxy' spiel. Just as the minions were about to press the green button labled "Armageddon-O-Matic", Plata broke free and pressed a few buttons on the control panel.
Jenny: KEL! Slow down!
Kel: I can't! Study Hall is almost over and if we can't finish this... OUR MISSION WILL FAIL!
Misto: You actually give two hoots about that stupid thing?
Kel: We'll chat later, Misto. Right now... LET'S MOVE IT KITTIES!
Plata entered the proper procedure to carry out his brilliant plot and held a weapon meanacingly at the Cling-Ons. Where he got the weapon, one can't be sure.... you would think the Cling-Ons would have disarmed their hostages, but when one is as rushed as I am, you write now and ask questions later.
"I have entered the proper sequence in the computers to reset time to a moment before the invention was delievered to Suc'Tion. We will go back in time and fix it so that none of this will have ever happened!" Plata said triumphantly.
"What makes you think this will work, catdroid?" the Cling-Ons asked in unison.
"Rule #90 in the 'Sci-Fi Rules and Regulations for Nifty Plot Tricks'--- When all else fails, go to the time travel option."
So before you knew it, things were back as they were at the begining of this fic...
Kel: Hold on a minute... that seemed kinda hollow somehow.
Jenny: Dare I dream that you are tiring of parodying?
Kel: Nah... it just needed a song in there.
(to the tune of "Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Asparagus:
It's astounding....
Sanity is fleeing....
Madness takes control.
But if you listen closely
Bomb:
Hopefully not for very much longer...
Asparagus:
You may hear your brain begin to rot!
All:
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Old D:
It's just a jump to the left
All:
And then a step to the right!
Old D:
You put your hands on your hips!
All:
And bring your knees in tight!
And if this little song
Hasn't driven you in-say-ay-ay-ay-ay-ayne...
You can join in and Time Warp again!
Tanti: That was a thorough waste of time and space.
Kel: I felt 'Time Warp' only fit with a Time Travel parody.
Tugger: (raises eyebrows) O-kay. We'll um, be going now...
Kel: Not without a brief wrap-up and conclusion thinggy that I always do. Don't you remember?
Misto: How silly of us to forget. Must have... slipped our minds. (rolls eyes and inches out the door)
So Plata saved the world, but since they set back time... no one would remember and I guess following along that same line of thinking, he never really did it in the first place. Aren't time parodoxes just the most confusing thing you've ever tried to grasp? Anyway.... the Galaxy is safe from the scurge of overflowing toilets and people are once more safe thanks to the brave and intrepid crew of the Starship Improvise-D.
Admetus: (pulls off the plunger and looks at his head in the mirror) My head is one
gigantic hiccy!
Kel: *bursts out laughing* That sounded so wrong!
Vicky: That's the price you pay for playing a character with a name like 'Cling-On'.
Admetus: Excuse me while I go hide until my forehead returns to something resembling it's normal shape.
