How to Succeed in Business Without Ever Putting Forth Any Effort, But Somehow Rising to the Top Anyhoo- 4

Veroni: Uhm... okee then. Let's finish this thing up.

(We are now in the boardroom where all our singing executives have gathered, anticipating Mistpont's arrival. They are all doing different things as they wait and do anything but pay attention. Skimble is chewing a rather substantial hunk of gum---- Admetus is doing the 'rubber pencil' thing and soon discovers what fun they can be to break against one's skull---- Quaxo is jouncing up and down like a neurotic old man---- Rumpus Cat is trying to keep Gus awake---- Plato is making paper airplanes---- Cori is uhm, doing something which shouldn't be put into type---- ALL the while Bustopher is trying to conduct a meeting. As he is about to give up, Pouncival comes running in and Bustopher nods. Mistpont has arrived.)

(Mistpont enters with a flourish and a few charts, trying to waltz through the presentation without ever having to actually say what his idea is-- neato idea, huh? It appears to be working until...)

Skimble: Could I ask a question BJ?

Bustopher: Yes?

Skimble: What IS his idea?

Bustopher: You heard him! A television show that will give us penetration and peak reaction. Sounds great, Finch!

Toms: (mumble in agreement)

Skimble: But what's his idea for the show?

Bustopher: I don't see why you have to be so negative! The only things you ever come up with are lousy ideas like treasure hunts! (Finch jumps a little) Anyway, Finch. What's your great idea?

Misto: I don't know if I want to tell it to you now.

Bustopher: What do you mean?

Tugger: He means-- HE'S STALLING!

Veroni: Like you haven't when you get caught with... oh, I don't know. Maybe two dates in one night?!

Tugger: How did you find out about that?

Veroni: I'm the author! I see all and hear all---

Dem: And has a few Jellicle snitches.

Tugger: Dem! I seriously forgot that you were coming over that night or--

Dem: You wouldn't have been necking with Bomb on the couch RIGHT when I came in?

Veroni: Can we put this very exciting bit of 'he said, she said" on the backburner for the moment and get back to the show maybe?

Misto: (tries to continue without laughing at Tugger) The way you just spoke to Bud about his idea for a treasure hunt. You dismissed it! The fact is, there are treasure hunts and there are TREASURE hunts. When Bud brought it to me, I thought it was a rotten idea too.

Bustopher: I should hope so!

Misto: But then I remembered something. BJ, you know an idea in itself is nothing. It's the development that counts. And.. V, can't we just skip ahead? We do this whole thing and we may very well put OLD DEUTERONOMY to sleep!

Old D: I protest! I'm not that bad!

Pounce: Operative word-- 'That'.

(Alright, due to popular opinion, we'll be skipping ahead and giving you the abridged version of events. Mistopont explains that his treasure is NOT money or a bond, but stock. The executives find this an interesting idea, but are still hesitant. So.... Finch pulls out Plan B: Sex appeal. He introduces Bomby as the prototype for the "Treasure Girl" who will give out the clues each week to where the treasure is. Since this is met with a somewhat higher appeal rating---)

Alonzo: And you wonder why...

Tugger: (punches Alonzo with a *THWACK*) You never learn do you? MY queen!

Veroni: Okay, you can stop marking your territory Tug.

Tugger: (grumbles and sits back down)

(SINCE THIS IS MET WITH A SOMEWHAT HIGHER APPEAL RATING... BJ dismisses the execs for a minute while he talks the idea through with Mistpont.)

Misto: Sir?

Bustopher: How would it be if this girl were someone... well... more...

Misto: More?

Bustopher: More identified with the company! A real---

Misto: A real World Wide Wicket girl?

Bustopher: Yes.... Say, why not Ms. LaRue?

Misto: Great! Then it's all settled.

Bustopher: Just a moment... where are we going to hide the treasure?

Misto: This show is going to be completely unrigged. Even the treasure girl won't know.

Dem: That's what HE thinks.

Veroni: Well, I haven't used this phrase in a while, so now's as good a time as any--- "I am TRYING to have a plot here!"

Cass: Has that ever stopped us before?

Veroni: True... HEY!

(BJ calls his executives back in to explain his decision.)

Bustopher: Gentlemen, I'm going to go ahead with Finch's idea for the Treasure Hunt.

Munku: Well, BJ, I think it's an absolutely crazy notion and...

Bustopher: I like it.

Munku: I like it!

Toms: (in unison) We like it!

(Next scene time! At the rise, we see a typical television logo with the words-- "World Wide Wickets" written across the front. Off to the side, Mistpont, BJ, Bratt and Admetaberry are watching the show.)

Veroni: Uhm, guys? I need an announcer here. Any takers?

Tugger: I'LL do it. But if it means that I have to---

Veroni: There's a dance in here that you'll have to pitch in on.

Tugger: That was the 'if'.

Veroni: I need about 15 dancers here NOW! (the cats show up in their Siamese Cat costumes from "Growltiger's Last Stand") *sigh* I guess it'll have to do.

Tugger: (speaking into a trashcan to make it sound like he has one of those nifty TV announcer microphone thinggies) The World Wide Wicket Company, whose slogan for over one hundred years has been (jazzes up his voice just like the Price is Right guy) "World Wide Wickets For A Wider World," presents in living color, in the interests of better television programming, the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt! Now for our opening number, we present an authentic folk dance of the bold Pirate folk of the Spanish Main, danced for your pleasure by the jolly wickets and wickettes!

Vicky: Not spanish... NOT jolly.

Veroni: Just dance!

(The cats start dancing and break into the refrain from "Growltiger's Last Stand".)

All: Oh there was joy in whapping

When the news flew through the land!

At Maidenhead and Henley

There was dancing on the strand!

(Tugger throws up his paws and looks at Veroni for help. She motions for him to come over and scribbles something on his copy of the script.)

Tugger: (reading from the script) Make that a bizarre out of show dance performed for you by.... those Cats who never bothered to read the script. (starts reading the actual lines again) And now the moment you've all been waiting for-- the World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl!

(Admetus and Plato carry out a large trunk with Bomb inside. Both are brushed by the cats still clothed in their siamese outfits though and simultaniously feel a sneeze coming on. Each assuming the other will hold the trunk, they both let go to scratch their noses and the trunk lands with a THUD.)

Bomb: (muffled, since she's still inside the trunk) Mother.

(Bomb woozilly emerges with help from the announcer and staggers to the front to deliver her lines.)

Bomb: Heeelllooo th-th-there. I'm the W-w-w-worrld wwide. (shakes her head to clear the fuzz) Aw heck! The treasure's hidden in the World Wide Wicket buildings! (everyone scampers off to find the treasure) Anyone got some Dramamine?

Veroni: AURGH! (throws script up in the air) That's not how it goes at all!

Tugger: She did cut to the chase though, right? And the end result was still the same, true?

Veroni: Yeah, but actually having an actual scene would have made it special-er! (pouts and sighs after a moment) Ah well. Since the end result WAS basically the same as the Tug said-- continue.

(Thanks to the treasure girl, people storm the World Wide Wicket buildings the next morning and leave things a-shambles for the office staff to pick up. As you can imagine, the cat with the genius idea is not corporate America's most wanted.)

Old D: (reading as the book voice once more)

Pounce: Get comfy folks... we could be here for awhile.

Old D: (rolls his eyes and continues) How to handle a disaster. In every buisnessman's career there comes a time when things go a bit wrong. We have many suggestions for coping with these little problems. However, should you be the cause of the disastor that's really disasterous, we suggest that your best bet is to review the first chapter of this book, 'How to Apply for a Job'.

Quaxo: Have you guys found Finch yet?

Munku: Where's Finch?

Admetus: I don't know, Mr. Bratt.

Munku: Well, BJ wants him in his office PRONTO. And this guy is hopping mad!

Bustopher: (bounces by on a pogo stick) Whee!

Vicky: Uh-huh. Somehow I doubt that's what he meant.

Jem: (to the kittens) I'm suddenly remembering our science lesson that Jenny gave us today.... you know, the one about unequal distribution of weight over a certain area?

Bustopher: ACK! (the pogo stick snaps and Bustopher goes sailing into the wall from the springgy backlash).

Jenny: I'm so proud of you for remembering that Jemima! You really know your science lessons!

Bustopher: YOUR science lessons --- my sacariliac re-adjustment!!

(Just then, the company policeman chases a guy out of the executive suite. He snags him by the collar and brings him before Bratt.)

Munku: What are you doing?

Cori: (as policeman) It's another treasure hunter. This little nut tried to sneak past me three times!

Munku: This 'little nut' is the chairman of the board, Mr. Deutey Womper.

Cori: Ah well, they all look the same to me, (walks off).

Munku: If you'll come with me, sir. I can explain everything AND tell you who to blame.

(They head off to the board room to hold a damage control meeting. In the meantime, Lecmary frets about Finch. When he finally reappears, he explains that he MUST take credit for his mistakes and heads off to be skinned alive infront of the high-ups. Lecmary is distraught and does the only thing little 'oh woa is me' heroines can do in a situation like this-- she sings.)

Lec: You have the cool, clear eyes

Of a seeker of wisdom and truth!

Yet there's that upturned chin

And the grin of impetuous youth

Oh I believe in you!

I BE-LIEVE INNNNN YOU!

(As Finch is marched in to meet his fate, Skrump can't help but rub a little salt in the wound...)

Skimble: Look, Misty! Why should you go in there and face those monsters? Go ahead, run away! Escape. I'll pretend I didn't see you. For auld lang syne!

Misto: No, I'm going in there to face them and get this over with.

Pounce: As in 'this' fic?

Tumble: I hear you brother!

Misto: (continues without breaking character) I should think you'd be happy if they KILLED me. (he is pushed into the room)

Skimble: If I could only be sure...

(Skimble enters as well with a triumphant smirk and ushers in Finch.)

Skimble: He's here sir.

Munku: Now I'll do the talking here, Finch. Oh, by the way.. this is the chairman of the board (gestures to Old D).

Misto: How do you do?

Bustopher: No speaches Finch, it's all settled, you just need to sign this letter of resignation in which you accept the blame for what happened.

Misto: Alright. I'll be glad to.

Bustopher: What's that?

Misto: I'll do what you said. (the execs look around, surprised that Finch is just going to give up)

Bustopher: This isn't one of your tricks?

Misto: No, I'm through with all that. You see, this firm has been pretty good to me. Now I'm going to resign, take the blame and go back to what I did before I came here.

Munku: What DID you do, Finch?

Misto: (hesitates) I was a window washer.

Pounce: So he gets kicked out into the cold with his squeigie and that's the show. I'll admit it's a bit of an anti-climax, but I think I have an elsewhere to be so--- (Veroni grabs him by the collar) *gasp for air* I'll stay right here.

Veroni: We're almost done here Pounce! The more you comment, the longer it takes.

Pounce: (rubbing his now sore neck) Did I say something? I said nothing. ABSOLUTELY nothing.

Veroni: Right. Sure. Whatever.

Old D: (speaking for the first time) No kiddin'. I was a window washer myself.

Vicky: And that, my friends is known as the plot twist. (pulls her leg up parallel to her body to stretch out for the closing number).

Lec: And this is what's known as 'green with envy of Vicky's stretchy-ness'.

Cet: If I ever tried that, it would be known at the spine twist-n-snap.

Bustopher: You were?

Old D: What did you think I was-- a rail splitter? College toms! Tsk! (walks over to Misty) So you were a window washer.

Misto: Yes sir.

Old D: How did you happen to get into THIS business?

Misto: Well, sir. I had a book...

Old D: Yeah? Me too.

Misto: It was a book on how to succeed in business.--

Cats: --WITHOUT REALLY TRYING, yes we know! Gosh you could anticipate that.

Veroni: That part wasn't in the script guys. Guess you anticipated wrong.

Cats: (still in unison) Whoops.

Old D: My book was more useful. I took bets for all the other window washers. I cleaned up a bundle! (looks around the room) I should've stayed in that business. Eight buildings wrecked, our stock down five points... we're the laughing stock of the industry. How did this happen? I could understand a college guy pulling a boner like this, but not an old window washer. Now this idea of yours...

Misto: Hold it Deuty! If there's one thing I won't do, it's take credit for another tom's work. Especially when he's THE BOSS' NEPHEW.

Skimble: Oh, real subtle! Something tells me my character should start packing.

Old D: (approaches Biggley) You never told me you hired your NEPHEW.

Bustopher: I'm right behind you, Skimble! (back in character) Nephew? Oh, nephew. He's not really my nephew... he's my wife's nephew! This may seem like nepotism, Deuty, but it isn't. In fact, I hate him!

Old D: But you love his ideas.

Bustopher: No! When he first told me the idea, I thought it was lousy! Then when Finch brought it to me, I STILL thought it was a lousy idea! And I TOLD Finch it was a lousy idea!

Old D: Why did you buy it?

Bustopher: It seemed like a good idea. (continues on quickly) But Finch dressed it up! He can't deny that the idea of the treasure girl was his!

(Deuty approaches Misty)

Misto: Well, it was my idea.

Old D: And not a bad one, but who picked the bubble headed tomato?

Tugger: HEY! Lay off! She's MY bubble headed tomato... Aw, heck that didn't come out right!

Bomb: You think??!!

(Everyone backs away from Biggley now with a "HE did it" look on their faces)

Old D: Uh-huh. (stalks around for a moment, relishing the chance to look all mean and powerful) Well, I think I have the whole story now. Now the question is what to do, and WHO to do it to.

Misto: Now wait a minute Deuty.. before you go making any hasty decision: I'd like to say a few words.

Old D: About what?

Misto: Jelliclehood. You see, even though we're all part of the cold corporate setup, deep down underneath our skins, there is flesh and blood. We're all Jellicles!

Veroni: Yea! This is a great song... You guys BETTER not mess anything up.

Cats: (singing under breath) Gotta stop this show... we gotta stop this show cold.... or it'll kill us.

Veroni: What was that?

Cats: (in unison) Nothing.

Veroni: Griz? You ready?

Griz: My moment to shine hath arrived! (sings) With one look... I'LL BE MEEEEE!!!!

Veroni: Where's Juliet with those pills when you need her?

Misto: (sings) Now you may join the Elks, my friend

And I may join the Shriners.

And other cats may carry cards

As members of the diners

Still others wear a golden key

Or small Greek-letter pin.

But I have learned there's one great club

That all of us are in!

There is a Felinehood of Toms!

A benevolent Felinehood of Toms!

A noble tie that binds

All feline hearts and minds

Into one Felinehood of Toms!

(Veroni and the backstage cats start tapping their feet to the music and nodding their heads to the beat.)

Misto: (continues) Your life-long membership is free!

Keep a-givin' each Jellicle all you can!

Oh aren't you proud to be in that fraternity

The great big Felinlehood of Toms!

(Misto jumps up onto a desk and waves his paw, making the lights brighten and a row of extra footlights appear.)

Tugger: Show off.

Misto: (sings again) One cat may seem incompetant (points at Plato)

Another not make sense (points at Admetus)

While others look like quite a waste of company expense (points at Skimble)

Indicated Cats: HEY!

Misto: (cringes and continues) They need a Jellicle's leadership

So please don't do them in!

Remember mediocrity is not a mortal sin!

They're

Toms: (getting into it now) WE'RE!

Misto: In

Toms: IN!

Misto: The

Toms: THE!

All: Felinehood of Toms

Dedicated to giving all we can

Oh, aren't you proud to be

In that fraternity?

The great big Felinehood of Toms?

Old D: (jumps onto the desk-- okay, he's pushed up by the backstage cats) NO KIDDIN'!

(starts singing)

Is there really a Felinehood

Others: Yes, you're a feline!

Old D: Of toms?

Others: You are a feline!

Old D: On the level, a Felinehood of Toms?

All: Oh yes, Oh yes!

A noble tie that binds all feline hearts and minds

Old D: Into one Felinehood of Toms!

All: Oh yes, your lifelong membership is free!

Keep a-givin' each Feline all you can

Oh aren't you proud to be in that fraternity?

The great big Felinehood of Toms!

(Theatrical smoke fills the far corner of the stage and Grizabella appears from the elevator.)

Griz: I'm ready for my close---

Veroni: GRIZ?!

Griz: Oh, right, sorry. (starts singing)

Oh, that noble feelin'

Feel's like bells are pealin'

Down with double dealin';

Oh, Jellicles!

You, you got me! Me, I got YOU-OO-OO!

(Starts scat singing and clapping like she was in the middle of a baptist church)

Toms: (clapping far off the beat)

Griz: NO! Like this! (claps in beat and shuffles around the stage)

(Everyone catches on and it turns into a scene out of a baptist church--- not that we don't like the baptists! I think they're really cool and have an awesome soulful style of worship and I'm the last---)

Jem: JUST DANCE AUTHOR!!!!!

(Veroni gets up and everyone dances--- even the queens get up on the stage)

Griz: OOOOOOHHH!!!! YOUR LIFELONG MEMBERSHIP IS FREE!

KEEP A-GIVIN' EACH FELINE ALL YOU CAN!

OH AREN'T YOU PROUD TO BE

Toms: You, you've got me!

Me I've got you!

Griz: IN THAT GREAT COMPANY!

All: That great big Feline---

Griz: Shee-doop-shoo-oo-oo-WHEE!

All: Feline!

Old D: Shoo-bee-do-do-wanna!

All: Feline!

Griz: Shoo-do-do-do-WHOA-WHOA!

All: JELLICLE!

Misto: Whee-bo-bo-dbo-yo-yo-yo!

(more scatting and dancing. Misto waves his paw and sparklers begin glowing from over the stage)

All: FELINEHOOD OF TOMS! YEAH!

(everyone gasps and faints)

Veroni: (reaches for the Director's Chair) WE'RE NOT THROUGH YET!!!!

Griz: Whee! I have never felt so spry since--- well, ever actually.

Veroni: That's something that made me curious, Griz. Who taught you to scat sing?

Griz: A queen has to keep her secrets, dearie! (prances off for the last scene)

Veroni: I think a new Grizabella has emerged. (turns to everyone else) There's ONE last scene and we're done!

Cats: YEA!! WHOO-HOO!

Tumble: (smiles and then stops to think for a moment) Wait, don't we hate parodying?

Pounce: (sombers up) That's right! We do!

Admetus: Ack! We've been brainwashed by the dreaded 'show-stopper'!

Veroni: Oh so funny.. PLACES!

(Before the scene rises, we see Bud Skrump being dragged out of the building. HE'S the one getting the axe....)

Skimble: Give me a break guys! (turns to one cat carrying him by the left arm) Admetaberry! We were always the best of friends! (turns to the one on his right arm) Remember the fun, the dates, Quax? (looks at the guy who has him by the collar) YOU I never liked! (turns to all) Look, I could make it worth your while. (realizes he has no money) Wait, no I can't! It doesn't pay to be decent! (falls to the floor) Well, I'm not going to go. (the cats DRAG him off the stage) No! NO! You can't make me! I'm too young to go! I'm just a kid! I'll get sick! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (slips and falls into the orchestra pit again)

Veroni: You okay Skimble?

Skimble: I see pretty birdies!

Veroni: He's fine! PLACES PEOPLE! (Scene rises and we are once more in the outer office. Everyone is in an upbeat and happy mood from the last number as they run around and gossip. Suddenly, Munku appears and calls everyone to attention.)

Munku: As you all know, there have been a few changes here at World Wide Wickets. I am speaking to you in my new capacity as vice president in charge of Employee Moral and Psychological Adjustment. Mr. Admetaberry here is now in charge of personel. (everyone applauds) Now I would like to introduce our hard-working President, Mr. BJ Biggley! (more applause)

Bustopher: I can truly state that World Wide Wickets is now stronger than ever. And I feel a lot of the credit should go to a certain bright and very loyal young tom, J. Mistpont Finch. As you know, this youngster's rise has been especially rapid. (applause-- this time from the tech booth. The cats got sick of the clapping thing and sent Tanti to strike up the sound effects tapes)

Misto: I would like to say that if any credit is due, it should go to a great tom, the chairman of the board, Mr. Deuty Womper. Incidentally, he is here with his charming wife.

(Deuty enters with Bomby LaRue and Tugger tries to swing at Old D for making a move on his gal. Tugger misses though, and instead goes flying into the orchestra pit on top of Skimble.)

Misto: Mr. Womper is retiring to take his wife on a trip around the world.

Bomb: Sweetie! What a surprise! You didn't tell me!

Old D: Uh, I didn't know. Oh well, it's not a half bad idea at that. I'll be able to concentrate on my Bomby.

Tugger: (from the bottom of the orchestra pit) MY Bomby! Not yours! (mumbling) Skimbleshanks! Move your foot! It's in my eye! OUCH! My feet are for me to walk on! Not you!

Old D: (leans over the edge and calls down to Tugger) Not much you can do about it from down there.

Jem: Am I the only one who sees Old D and Bombalurina going together as exceeding wrong and icky?

Cet: I do!

Vicky: Me too!

Lec: I HAVE A SCENE TO DO HERE GUYS!

Bustopher: Who's going to be the new chairman of the board?

(the cast splits, isolating Finch)

Misto: Now hold on! I have to consult Mrs. Finch before I make any decisions!

Cetera: LECMARY! Your husband is calling you!

Queens: (sing) HALLELUJAH!

Misto: Lecmary, I've got an important decision to make. They want to make me chairman of the board.

Lec: Darling, I don't care if you work in the mailroom, you're chairman of the board, or you're President of the United States! I love you!

Misto: Say that again?

Lec: I love you!

Misto: No, before that.

Munku: (nods knowingly and turns to Griz) Mr. Grizones! Send a wire to the White House: "Mr. President, WATCH OUT!"

All: (begin singing)

We play it the company way;

Executive policy is by us okay!

(The scaffolding rises outside the building and we see a slightly battered Bud Skrump standing there reading his new book: "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying".)

All: (continue, gesturing to Bud)

Though for the departed we shed a mournful tear

Whoever the company fires

WE WILL STILL BE

HE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ERE!

Veroni: (applauds) Good job you guys!

Bustopher: Do we get to leave now?

Veroni: Actually, I have to talk to a few of you about something I want to try for next parody...(silence) Hello?

(the auditorium is empty now)

Veroni: Gosh those guys really CAN move fast when motivated. Oh well, now I have to get back to rehearsing for the real thing. (pulls out her script and starts studying her lines. Suddenly there is a crackling sound and the PA system roars to life.) KELONZI!

Kel: (singing along to her "Buffy" album again)

I know... I know

We are we are the lucky ones...

Veroni: (over the roar of the speakers) She's not gonna be so lucky when I'm through with her. (there comes a crash from out in the hallway).

Bustopher: (voice coming from the hallway) Whoops. Oh well. They just don't make candy machines like they used to...

Veroni: Ugh....