Julie: Well Matt, are you ready to direct the second act? My lovely Grizabella sings a beautiful song in this one.

Matt: Yep. Sure am. Especially since all the cats have *presumably* recovered from their hangovers from the party scene.

(Most of the cats are back to their old selves...except for Pouncival...)

Pounce: Ooooohhh. 'Scuse me, guys. (stumbles and falls in the seat next to Juliet)

(So anyway, Act 2 begins and we go back to the house on Sunset. It's a beautiful day outside, and Joe is wearing a slick looking suit, sipping a cocktail on the patio, under an umbrella.)

Other Cats: Sell-out!

Skimble: (sings)

Sure, I came out here to make my name

Wanted my pool, my dose of fame

Wanted my parking space at Warners'.

But after a year, a one room hell,

A Murphy bed, a rancid smell

Wallpaper peeling at the corners.

Sunset Boulevard, twisting boulevard

Secretive and rich, a little scary.

Sunset Boulevard, tempting boulevard,

Waiting there to swallow the unwary.

Dreams are not enough to win a war,

Out here there always keeping score

Beneath the tan, the battle rages.

Smile a rented smile, fill someone's glass

Kiss someone's wife, kiss someone's...

Matt: Uh oh...

(Misto bleeps out the next word.)

Skimble: (continues) We do whatever pays the wages.

Sunset Boulevard, headline boulevard

Getting here is only the beginning.

Sunset Boulevard, jackpot boulevard

Once you've won, you have to go on winning!

(speaks here)

You think I've sold out?

DEAD RIGHT I'VE SOLD OUT!

I've been waiting for the right offer.

Comfortable quarters, regular rations, 24 hour five star room service!

And if I'm honest, I like the lady

I can't help being touched by her folly.

I'm treading water, taking the money, watching her sunset...well, I'm a writer.

(sings again)

LA's changed a lot over the years

since those brave Gold Rush pioneers

Came in their creaky covered wagons.

Far as they could go, end of the line,

Their dreams were yours, their dreams were mine,

But in those dreams were hidden dragons.

Sunset Boulevard, frenzied boulevard

Swamped with every kind of false emotion.

Sunset Boulevard, brutal boulevard

Just like you we'll wind up in the ocean!

She was sinking fast, I threw a rope

Now I have suits and she has hope

It seemed an elegant solution.

One day this must end, it isn't real,

Still I'll enjoy a hearty meal

Before tomorrow's execution.

Sunset Boulevard, ruthless boulevard,

Destination for the stony-hearted.

Sunset Boulevard, lethal boulevard

Everyone's forgotten how they started

Here on Sunset Boulevaaaaaaaaard!!!!!

Matt: Wow, Skimbleshanks, you didn't even catch your breath on that long last note!

Skimble: EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ALAN CAMPBELL!!!

Munku: Uh-oh. I think you've created a monster, Matt.

(Back on stage, Norma bounds out of the house...)

Griz: There's been a call!

What did I say?

They want to see me right away!

Joe, Parameownt, they love our child,

Mr. DeMille is going wild!

Skimble: Well, that's wonderful, Norma.

Griz: But it was some fool assistant.

Not acceptable at all!

Julie: I don't know about the assistant, but Griz is definitely acceptable as Norma..

Griz: (smiles at Juliet again) If he wants me, then Gusil B. himself must call!

Skimble: I don't know if this is a time to stand on ceremony.

(But Norma is walking on air...)

Griz: I've been waiting twenty years now,

What's a few more days, my dear?

It's happened, Joe,

I told you so...

THE PERFECT YEAR!

Now, let's go upstairs!

Skimble: Shouldn't you at least call back?

Griz: No, they can wait until I'm good and ready.

Misto: Oh dear. I just hope Grizabella doesn't turn diva on us again after this parody.

Julie: AND WHAT, pray tell, is wrong with that?

(So anyway, Joe, Norma, and Max are on the road to Parameownt...)

Skimble: It took her three days and she was ready.

She checked with her astrologer, who sacrificed a chicken.

Bustopher: Chicken? Where?

Carb: These fat jokes are wearing thin.

Skimble: She dressed up like a pharaoh

Slapped on a pound of make-up

And set forth in her chariot.

Poor Norma,

So happy, re-entering her kingdom.

(They get to Parameownt Studios, and after a dispute with security, they manage to get into where the legendary Gusil B. DeMille is shooting "Samson and Delilah. One of his assistants--played by Victoria--approaches him.)

Vicky: Mr. DeMille?

Gus: What is it?

Vicky: Norma Grizmond is here to see you, Mr. DeMille.

Gus: (overacting as usual) Norma Grizmond?!

Vicky: She's here at the studio.

Gus: It must be about that appalling script of hers. What shall I say?

Vicky: Maybe I could give her the brush.

Gus: Thirty million fans have given her the brush. Isn't that enough? Give me a minute.

(So anyway, Norma goes inside.)

Vicky: Miss Grizmond.

(Gusil and Norma hug.)

Gus: Well, well, well!

Old D: I never realized what a great actor Gus was, playing someone who has to be nice to a complete washout.

Pounce: You mean a great phony, Old D?

(Back on stage...)

Griz: Hello, Mr. DeMille.

(They engage in some more chit-chat, and Gusil B. lets Norma onto his set. She's looking around and suddenly everything goes silent...)

Matt: Mistoffelees, do this for me, please? To keep the show's momentum going?

Misto: OK. But I'm not going near that veritable flood backstage you call a "puddle"! It's a menace! *gets into character*

Miss Grizmond! Hey, Miss Grizmond!

(Norma looks for the voice, it is that of an electrician.)

Cass: Big stretch for Mistoffelees.

Misto: Up here, Miss Grizmond! It's Misto-eye!

Griz: Misto-eye! Well, hello!

Misto: Let's get a look at you.

(He then takes a big lamp, and plays with the spotlight until it disappears...)

Matt: Mistoffelees, you're supposed to shine the light on Norma Grizmond, not use it to do your magic!

Misto: Darn. Thought I could get away with it.

(Well, Misto gets it right the second time...and Norma begins to sing.)

Julie: This is *such* a beautiful song.

Griz: I don't know why I'm frightened,

I know my way around here.

The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here.

Yes, a world to rediscover

But I'm not in any hurry

And I need a moment...

The whispered conversations

In overcrowded hallways

The atmosphere, as thrilling here, as always.

Feel the early morning madness...

Gus: The same madness our director is going through, no doubt.

Matt: Shhh.

Griz: (continues)

Feel the magic in the making...

Misto: No comment.

Griz: Why, everything's as if we never said goodbye.

(well, it's pretty late at night, or should I say, early in the morning as I'm typing this, so we'll cut this song short... In the meantime, outside the studio, Joe notices Bomby and they have a brief exchange. After this, a producer catches Max's attention, and tells him that he's been the one calling. It's not Norma Grizmond they want--it's her classic car they want, to be used in a new movie.)

(In the studio, Gusil B. DeMille is trying to set up his next shot, but he's unable to ignore the mob surrounding Norma. He approaches her, and she sings...)

Griz: Did you see how they all came crowding around?

They still love me, and soon we'll be breaking new ground.

Brave pioneers...

Gus: Those were the days...when Victoria reigned...

Matt: WRONG SONG, GUS!

Gus: Sorry.

Griz: (continues) Just like before.

Gus: We had such fun.

Griz: We gave the world new ways to dream.

Griz and Gus: We always found new ways to dream.

(A red light goes off, and Gusil B. goes to get ready for his next shot. He walks Norma to the door. Meanwhile, Joe has rejoined Max...)

Old D: Mr. Skimblis...

Skimble: What's the matter, Max?

Old D: I just found out the reason for all those phone calls from Paramount. It's not Madame they want. It's her car.

Skimble: Oh, my Everlasting Cat.

(Meanwhile, Norma and Gusil are engaged in mroe small talk and they leave. Bomby rushes out to the soundstage.)

Bomb: Was that really Norma Grizmond?

Gus: It was.

Vicky: She must be about a million years old.

Gus: I hate to think where that puts me. I could be her father!

Vicky: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. DeMille!

Jelly: Respect your elders, Victoria. Just because you can move your leg parallel to your body...sheesh...

Gus: (sings)

If you could have seen her at seventeen

When all her dreams were new,

Beautiful and strong,

Before it all went wrong

She's never known the meaning of surrender.

Never known the meaning of surrender.

(So anyway, there's another scene in Bomby Schaefer's office, but due to time, we'll skip it. Basically Joe and Bomby are working on "Blind Windows", and she notices his gold cigarette holder. They also talk about Artugger...who's stuck in Tennessee, way behind on his movie.)

Bomb: Thank goodness he doesn't appear in this fic anymore. Tugger's still passed out from the New Year's Eve scene.

Matt: I told them to use 7Up...

(We go back to the house on Sunset. Norma is getting a total massage and makeover for her new film. The masseuse and beauticians are played by any queens we could coax into doing this scene. Jennyanydots is the astrologer. Joe has one eye on these proceedings and the other on his watch)

Jenny: 'Bout time I got a singing part in one of your parodies, Matt.

(sings) I don't think you should shoot before July 15th,

Right now is a perilous time for Pisces.

If you wait till Venus is in Capricorn

You'll avoid a catalogue of crises.

Demeter: I need three more weeks to get these thighs in shape

No more carbohydrates, don't be naughty.

Exotica: We'll soon have you looking like an ingenue

You won't look a day over forty.

Vicky: We have dry heat, we have steam

Cet: We have moisturizing cream

Lec: We have mud packs, we have blood sacks

Cet: It's a rigorous regime.

All Queens except Griz: Not a wrinkle when you twinkle

Or a wobble when you walk...

Lec: Of course, there's bound to be a little suffering.

All: Eternal youth is worth a little suffering.

(There's a second verse, but we'll move right along. Norma has found out that Joe went out to spend time with Bomby, but Joe says he hasn't done a thing. Norma, relieved, goes to bed. Joe heads out to Bomby's, where they finish the script...)

Carb: Jeez, and I thought Old D took his time with his narrations in "Rocky Tugger". OK, long story short, Joe and Bomby finish the script, and Bomby reveals she isn't in love with Artugger anymore...but instead she's in love with Joe. They do a nice little song and dance...

Matt: Thanks, Carbucketty. We'll just cut to the final chorus...

Skimble and Bomb: Let's throw it away

I can't control all the things I'm feeling.

If we are fools, well, we're too much in love to care!

If we are fools, well, we're too much in love to care!

(They kiss)

Backstage queens: Awwww.

Backstage toms: *gag*

Julie: Get back to Grizabella!

(Well, Joe tries to park the car quietly and sneak back into the house. Max, once again, is waiting for him.)

Skimble: What's the matter there Max? You waiting to wash the car?

Old D: Please be careful when you cross the patio. Madame may be watching.

Skimble: Suppose I tiptoe up the back stairs and undress in the dark, will that do it?

Old D: It's just that I am worried about Madame.

Skimble: Well, we're not helping any, feeding her lies and more lies. What happens when she finds out they're not going to make her picture?

Old D: She never will. That is my job. I made her a star and I will never let her be destroyed.

Misto: So HE'S the one responsible for all this melodrama?!

Pounce: He's lucky it's only a play.

Skimble: You made her a star?

Old D: I directed all her early pictures. In those days, there were three young directors who showed promise. B.B. Griffith..

Bill Bailey: Hey, leave me out of this!

Old D: (continuing)...Gusil B. DeMille, and...

Skimble: Max...von Deuterling!

Old D: That's right. (sings)

When we met,

She was a child,

Barely sixteen.

Awkward, and yet

She had an air

I'd never seen.

I knew I'd found

My perfect face

Deep in her eyes.

New ways to dream

And we inspired

New ways to dream.

Talkies came,

I stayed with her,

Took up this life.

Threw away fame,

Please understand...

She was my wife.

(Joe can't believe his ears.)

Old D: (continues)

We had achieved

Far more than most.

We gave the world

New ways to dream.

Everyone needs

New ways to dream.

Skimble: You're telling me you were married to her?!

Old D: I was the first husband.

(sings again)

So I play this game,

Keeper of the flame.

Sharing with her one last dream.

Don't you think I know

It could never come true?

She'll be the very last one to surrender.

I will not allow her to surrender.

(We go to the interior of the house. Norma has called Bomby, saying that Joe really doesn't love her, that he's...well, you know. Joe catches her doing this and calls Bomby over to the house. He is about to yell at Norma, but instead turns his back on her. Bomby comes over, and Norma is unseen by her at the top of the stairs, holding a revolver...well it's really a cap gun. We don't want to hurt anyone here! It's a dark and stormy night, but since the weather is really that bad outside, we don't have a sound effects tape...)

Misto: And by the way, thanks for noticing the weather. But you'd better notice backstage. That small puddle due to the leak in the theatre roof has turned into a small lake!

Skimble: Come on in.

Bomb: What's going on, Joe?

Why am I so scared?

What was that woman saying?

She sounded so weird...

I don't understand...

Please can't you tell me what's happening?

You said you loved me tonight.

(Norma is moving forward on the staircase, staring at Bomby...)

Pounce: Uh-oh! Jerry Springer Moment!

Skimble: (reprises Sunset Blvd.)

Have some pink champagne and caviar

When you go visit with a star

The hospitality is stellar.

Bomb: So this is where you're living?

Skimble: Yes, it's quite a place, seats seventeen

Eight sunken tubs, a movie screen,

A bowling alley in the cellar.

Bomb: I didn't come to see a house, Joe.

Skimble: Sunset Boulevard, cruise the boulevard,

Win yourself a Hollywood palazzo.

Sunset Boulevard, mystic boulevard,

Valentino danced on the terrazzo.

Bomb: Who's it belong to?

Skimble: Just look around you.

Bomb: That's Norma Grizmond.

Skimble: Right on the money. (points to all the numerous pictures...)

That's Norma Grizmond,

THAT'S Norma Grizmond,

THAT'S NORMA Grizmond,

THAT'S NORMA GRIZMOND!

Bomb: Why did she call me?

Skimble: Give you three reasons.

It's the oldest story in the book,

Come see the taker being took.

The world is full of Joes and Normas.

Older queen, very well-to-do

Meets younger tom, a standard cue

For two mechanical performers.

Bomb: Just pack your things and let's go.

Skimble: You mean all my things?

Have you gone mad?

Leave all the things I've never had?

Leave this luxurious existance?

Dem: Wow, I haven't seen Skimble this wired since we painted his train in Day-Glo colors!

Skimble: You want me to face that one-room hell?

That Murphy bed, that rancid smell?

Go back to living on subsistence?

It's no time to begin a new life

Now I've finally made a perfect landing.

I'm afraid there's no room for a wife

Not unless she's uniquely understanding.

You should go back to Artugger and marry the fool

And you'll always be welcome to swim in my pool...

Bomb: I can't look at you any more, Joe.

(she turns and runs out of the house.)

Munku: At least now Skimble knows what I went through for Little Junkyard of Horrors.

(Joe is mourning his loss...and Norma heads downstairs...)

Griz: Thank you, thank you, thank you...thank you.

(Joe looks at her, takes his typewriter, and begins to head out.)

Griz: You're not leaving me?

Skimble: Yes, I am, Norma.

Griz: You couldn't! Max!

Backstage Cats: GET OVER IT!

Julie: Shhhh!

Skimble: It's been a bundle of laughs, and thanks for the use of the trinkets.

(He takes the cigarette holder out of his pocket and hands it to her.)

Skimble: A little ritzy for the copy desk back in Dayton.

And there's something you ought to know.

I want to do you this favor.

They'll never shoot that hopeless script of yours.

They only wanted your car.

Backstage Cats: Ooooh, that's cold.

Julie: Poor Grizzy! *reaches out as if to hug her. Matt gently restrains her.*

(During this, Max has entered. He now knows the game is up.)

Griz: That's a lie! They still want me! What about my fan mail?

Misto: I just hope she doesn't break into "Memory" again.

Julie: And what would be wrong if she did?

Misto: YOU haven't heard her sing it 700 times.

Skimble: May I continue with my "revelation to beat all revelations" scene, please?

(back into character)

It's Max who writes you letters.

Your audience has vanished. They left when you weren't looking.

Nothing's wrong with being fifty, unless you're acting twenty.

(he takes off down the stairs...)

Griz: I AM THE GREATEST STAR OF THEM ALL!!!

Mac: Jeez, Griz, watch the overacting!

Mungo: You should talk, "Cousin Macavin".

Mac: Shut up, you stooge.

Skimble: Goodbye, Norma.

(He turns his back, and doesn't see Norma pull the gun on him...)

Griz: No one ever leaves a star! *fires a shot*

(Joe doesn't feel anything, but then the typewriter crashes to the floor, and he staggers offstage. We hear a loud SPLASH!)

Matt: Wait a minute. I thought there was no sound effects tape! Mistoffelees, did you do that?

Misto: Uh-uh. Wasn't me...oh dear. I think I know what it was. Five...four...three...two...one....

Skimble: (offstage) MMMRRRROOOOOOWWWRRRRRR!!!

(Yep, due to the leaky roof forming that veritable lake backstage, Skimble slipped and fell in.)

(Well, we're back to the way we were in the opening scene, with numerous police cats and reporters circling the house. A reporter--Plato--is giving a live broadcast.)

Plato: And as dawn breaks over the murder house, Norma Grizmond, famed star of yesteryear, is in a state of complete mental shock.

(Norma appears in a rendering of a Salome costume, and is extremely delusional, in her own world. Max is talking to police cats and reporters. Norma sings fragments of her songs, unaccompanied.)

Griz: This was dawn...

I don't know why I'm frightened...

Silent music starts to play...

Happy New Year, darling...

If you're with me...next year will be...next year will be...

They bring in his head on a silver tray...

She kisses his mouth...she kisses his mouth...

Mad about the boy!

Meeeemoryyyyy, all alooooone in the moooooonliiiiiight....

Misto: Well, that was inevitable.

Gus and Mac: And they say *we* get too into character.

Matt: Griz...wrong song...

Griz: (quickly realizes that she's singing the wrong song)...They'll say Norma's back at last!!!

(A police cat--Tumblebrutus--starts to move towards Norma. Max holds him off.)

Old D: (to Norma/Griz)

Madame, the cameras have arrived.

Griz: Max, where am I?

Old D: This is the staircase of the palace

and they're waiting for your dance....

Griz: Of course!

Now I remember

I was so frightened I might fall...

Old D: YOU ARE THE GREATEST STAR OF ALL!!!

(Norma goes down the stairs...and Max cups a hand to his mouth and regains his old form...)

Old D: Lights...

(portable lights and flashbulbs go off..)

Old D: Camera...

(Misto runs the projector without any film, to enhance this effect)

Old D: ACTION!

(And Norma goes down the staircase, and begins to sing...)

Griz: When he scorned me I

Knew he'd have to die.

Let me kiss his severed head.

Compromise or death

He fought to his last breath

He never had it in him to surrender.

Just like me, he never could surrender.

(speaks here. Juliet is seen mouthing the words along with Griz from her seat.)

I can't go on with the scene, I'm too happy. May I say a few words, Mr. DeMille? I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back in the studio making a picture. I promise I'll never desert you again. This is my life. It always will be. There is nothing else. Just us and the cameras and all the wonderful people out there in the dark. And now, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

(She continues down the staircase. "With One Look" starts up again...)

Griz: This time I'm staying

I'm staying for good

I'll be back where I was born to be...

With one look...

I'LL...BE...MEEEEEEEE!!!

(Just before the blackout, a wet, irate, and out of character Skimbleshanks trudges across the set.)

Skimble: Anybody got a blow dryer?

(Fade to black, as Matt is in tears because his parody blew up in his face, in front of his friend Juliet, who, if you haven't figured it out yet, happened to be Betty Buckley's #1 fan. However, Juliet is unaffected by this, as she is giving Grizabella some flowers.)

Juliet (in tears): Griz, you were amazing.

Griz: Thanks hon. TAKE THAT, GLENN CLOSE!

Jenny: Come here, Skimble, let's get you dried out.

Matt: At least one of us is going to "dry out". I think I need a drink...

(At this, the passed out Tugger wakes up, with a severe hangover.)

Tugger: Ooooooh. Trust me man, you don't need a drink. Just be thankful we all got through this parody in one piece.

THE END

(the lights come up and the cats file out, Juliet and Griz gabbing like old friends. Most are just happy to be out of the overly-leaky theater and bound out of the old place--- except for the still hung-over Tugger who staggers just so far and lands with a THUNK on the Veroni-rug.)

Veroni: TUGGER!!!!!

Tugger: I'm hearing voices!!

Veroni: No you ninny... IT'S ME!!!

Tugger: Momma..? I only had a little momma!! And anyways, everyone else was doing it... and there was this.. this Matt-cat (bursts out laughing) Hey! I made a funny! Anyway.... Matt made us do all these strange things and then there was this friend of his who loved buckles and Grizzzzzzz (slurs the 'z' and begins blubbering incohearantly)...

Veroni: Um, okee. (pushes herself up on all fours and crawls out of the theater with Tugger hanging over her back, sucking his thumb and humming)

Tugger: C'est Moi!

C'est Moi!

I'm drunk as skunk!

And far to noble to lie!!

Veroni: And you weigh as much as an elephant... sheesh.