Titanic (aka-- Botch-ed Ship of Air)

Pounce: Kel.. This is sick and saddistic!

Kel: Well, you got the sick part right. I've had a sinus infection and have been home sick from school all week long!

Jenny: You poor dear! Why don't you just go lay down right here and never mind about the parody.

Kel: Jen.. since when do you care if I'm sick or not?

Jemi: Since this parody has her in one of the most ludicrous roles yet?

Jenny: Don't help.

Kel: I'm finally past the falling over dizzy spells and I want to parody something!

Munku: But Kel... You don't know the first thing about either the musical or the movie.

Vic: Actually, she saw Titanic twice and had that really big soda. BOTH times!

Cats: *roflol!*

Kel: Ahem.. I learned my lesson, okay?

Misto: But it took you TWO times to learn it! *laughs*

Kel: Better be nice or I could have some real fun with you guys here...

Tugger: Uh-oh... 'fun'.

Rumple: Moike a break far it!

Kel: (grabs Rumple by the collar and sets her down) We're starting and you guys are going to ENJOY yourselves! UNDERSTAND??!!!!

Rumple: Sheesh.. easy on da woolworth pearls!

An omnipotent author voice booms around the room in a patently fake Brittish accent as we wait anxiously for this lovely parody to begin...

"The year 1997 was a boom year for exploiting and otherwise making money off of big time disastors. People 'flooded' to the box office to purchase tickets to a multi-million dollar, and shall I mention, quite overbudget film creation by James Cameron. This flick dealed with the heart-breaking trajedy and teeny bopper romance of two teen heartthrobs. Meantime on the gray white way, Michael David and friends made a monster musical which required a theater which could be turned into a rather large bathtub at a moments notice. Same trajedy, different twist and a definate lack of either Kate Winslet or Leonardo DiCaprio. But no matter-- they both pressed on. This parody will attempt to link the two, and we'll see what happens..."

Rumple: Kel. Oi'm scared now....

Kel: No reason to be. This should be a lot of fun!

Misto: Whatever you say, Kel. *cough* NOT! *cough

As we open, and old Queen is telling some men about her experiences aboard the Titanic and we quickly swoop into a flashback, (wavy picture and all--- grab your airsick bag now, or be sorry later!).

"My name is Munkustrap, but think of me now as the architect of the supposedly great ship known as the Titanic. I have spent months creating this ship to be *cough* unsinkable." a well-dressed Tom steps out to greet us.

Misto: He spent months making THAT? A greater waste of time I have not seen anywhere.

"It is sometime in April and we are about to depart on our great maiden voyage to New York. Hope to see you there, but if you know the story... don't wait up for us!" the 'architect' departs from us and we see the cast file on stage in period costumes.

They stare into space infront of them as if there is a ship ahead. Since we are a little too poor to afford a life-size replica, we'll just fake that it's there. A queen and a few toms are chatting...

"What are you all staring at?" the queen cocked her head at the toms staring into space.

"A great ship! Titanic..." they said in an almost too on-cue tone.

"I don't see a darn thing." she stared a little longer.

"Exactly!"

(to the tune of "Ship of Dreams" and yes, the lyrics are mostly from 'Forbidden Broadway')

Toms:
There she is

Tons of steel

But not real

Ship of air!

Act like we

See a boat

Watch it float

Ship of air!

Tumble:
We wink and pretend

We're eyeing a ship at starboard

Munku:
Though millions were spent

Our set looks a lot like cardboard!

Misto: Kel... you can't even think of your own insulting lyrics? You have to lift them from ANOTHER parody?

Kel: *I* think those guys at 'Forbidden Broadway' are pretty cleaver!

Skimble: That's really stretching the meaning of 'cleaver' lass.

As the musical is being torn to shreds, Rose, Jack and the movie gang come onto the scene in search of their multi-million dollar sets and are highly insulted by what they see. To fit in, they join in with the song...

Movie Cast Cats:
Lift up the flats!

Let go the lines!

These painted flats

And flat designs

Look like they're from a High School

Show in your hometown.

Stand in a row,

Look straight ahead

Look rigid as the dead

Get on your mark

Get ready, set and drown!

All:
This is Broadway's version!

It cost less than Cameron's!

But not by much!

They do their big number and our hero Misto DiCatorio climbs on the flimsy port bow to hang out and watch the fake dolphins swim around.

"I'm Tom of the world!" he screamed out and quickly fell through the cardboard floor into the orchestra pit.

Lec: Attractive.

Misto: Just get me out of the orchestra pit, huh?

The movie cast invades the stage to try and tell their story, but the Broadway cast fights back and before you know it, we are witnessing a braul that could rival anything on Jerry Springer. As they tumble around and vie for the brain-dead public's hard earned cash, a large iceberg, (again, you can't see it) blindsides the also invisible ship and there is a large crashing sound.

"You're fault!" the movie cast yelled.

"No yours!" the B'Way cast screamed back.

"I know things look bad and all.. so someone sing something to make it all better. QUICK!" the architect yelled above the din.

(to the tune of 'Autumn')

All:
Bottom... the media is scraping the bottom.

Watch us all sink to the bottom

As this parody goes down,

Watch us drown

Bottom... now we'll all meet at the bottom.

Guess we'll be closed by the autumn.

And then we'll tour out of town.

Munku: Kel, this doesn't resemble either the movie OR the musical!

Kel: I wanted to parody both, it was just so incredibly easy.... but I figured no one would want to read TWO.

Pounce: So you decided to try and stick them together? How...

Cats: 'Unbelievable'.

Munku: Now there's a diplomatic word for it.

"Now that we're all calmed down, let's head for the *imaginary* lifeboats." the captain said happilly.

"AHHHHH!!!" the casts screamed and started racing around like half-crazed over acters.

During this mess, Cat Whitehead met up with Misto DiCatorio and climbed to the prow of the sinking cardboard mess to have some last-moment-on-earth fun, (aka-- spitting incredible lugies overboard).

"*Hack* *spit* I love you." Misto grabbed his love around the waist and hugged her tight.

"Ditto. *HAAAAAACK* *Ptoey!*" Cat held Misto tightly and turned to see someone hanging from the railing on the back of the boat.

"My goodness! What are you doing dangling there like that?" she cried out.

"Beter question... Which do you like better? The movie or the musical?" Misto piped up.

"Don't you think I should have won the Oscar?" Cat put in.

Alonzo: Kel.. what's with the 20 questions? I'm getting kinda dizzy here.

Kel: Serves you right for making fun of me when I was sick!

Alonzo: Aw! I give up! (lets go of the railing and lands in a pile of blue colored mats on the floor)

Kel: (yelling down at the floor) You weren't supposed to do that yet!

On the floor, cats and floating around on the flooded stage. They are mostly dead and corpses and--- Squirting water guns at each other?

Pounce: Sor-ry!

Alonzo: (inside a ducky-shaped innertube) What did you expect with all this water around here?

Kel: I certainly DIDN'T expect a pool party!

The ship sinks under them, (or did the cardboard set finally collapse? Oh well) and our teeny-lovers are now bobbing in the ocean. They share a last embrace before Misto is hit with a renegade water balloon and sinks.

Kel: Shattering romantic moments by Pouncival... how refreshing.

Pounce: Hey! I said I was sorry!

Somehow despite the freezing cold, Cat survives to a ripe old age and makes lots of money as a movie star.

Griz: Outta the way kid! MY turn.

Vicky: No complaint here. I am so gone! I have pruny paws for Everlasting Cat sake!

The older Cat walks to the back of the ship and chucks her necklace overboard as a young queen in the background sings a Populist Oscar movie song. Frightened of even more teeny-bopper appeal, the old Cat dies and shrugging, our singer proceeds.

(to the tune of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion)

Jemi:
Every night at the movies..

I hear it..

I see it..

To my dismay I know it

Goes on.

Thanks to soda with the fizz

My bladder

Is straining

And I really don't care what the plot I-iiii-IIIII-is!

Hang on! This ship will go down!

And they'll make millions when they all drown!

He'll die, she'll stay warm and dry!

It's obnoxious we cry as this movie and show

Go on... and on.... and on....

And on... a-and on.....

Bubbling water fills the screen as it slowly blacks out.

Tugger: Kel.. after this parody I'm begining to think you REALLY should be institutionalized!

Kel: If you weren't all sloggy and moist from the mid-movie pool party I would slug you!

Misto: Why won't you now?

Kel: He's all squishy and Ewwey!

Lec: And they tease me for using that word.

Kel: Well.. All I can say is that we're lucky those costumes are drip dry... heehee!

Plato: Lame. (the cats flee the stage)

Kel: Hey! Wait you guys! I have more jokes!! (chases after them)

Cats: AHHHHHH!!!!

I Am So OUT OF HERE!