MATT: Well, gang, ready to finish this off?
TUGGER: Oh yeah. Our stomachs are pretty much shot from excessive puking, so we want to get this thing done ASAP!
MATT: So let's do it...the backstage is all cleaned up from cat vomit and we're ready to go!
(When we last left off...)
CATS: (begin to vomit again)
(...OK, there was a "secret ingredient" in Mrs. Dotsett's meat pies, and they became the best meat pies in London. She has added an outdoor eating area to her restaurant, and Mistobias, Skimbelli's former assistant, is now drumming up business for her. During this scene, Sweaty Todd is pacing around in his groomers' shop, and the beggar queen is also seen hanging around the shop.)
MISTO: Queens and gentletoms, may I have your attention, please!
Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well
At that delicate, luscious, ambrosial smell?
Yes they are, I can tell.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
That aroma enriching the breeze
Is like nothing compared to its succluent source...
TANTI: Don't say it, Misto! I'm still a bit queasy!
MISTO: (continues)
As the gourmets will tell you of course.
Queens and gentletoms, you can't imagine the rapture in store,
Just inside of this door!
There you'll sample Mrs. Dotsett's meat pies
Savory and sweet pies, as you'll see.
You, who eat pies, Mrs. Dotsett's meat pies
Conjure up the treat pies used to be!
(Anyway, the customers are getting a bit restless and anxious to eat the meat pies, since they don't know what's in them...)
JULIE: Better break out the spare bucket.
(...and Mrs. Dotsett has her paws full with business and all.)
JENNY: (acknowledging customers)
Nice to see you dearie...
How have you been keeping?
Cor, me bones is weary,
Mistoby, one for the gentletom...
Hear the birdies cheeping
Helps to keep it cheery..
(notices the beggar queen)
Mistoby, throw the old queen out!
CHORUS CATS: Everlasting Cat, that's good!
(Mistoby shoos the beggar queen away, but she comes back.)
JENNY: What's your pleasure, dearie?
No, we don't cut slices...
Cor, me eyes is bleary...
Mistoby, none for the gentleman...
I could up me prices
I'm a little leery
Business couldn't be better though...
CHORUS CATS: Everlasting Cat, that's good!
(Todd leans out of his window....he's a bit miffed because a package for him hasn't arrived yet. It arrives at that moment, and while the customers are raving about the food, Mistobias tends to them while Mrs. Dotsett goes to the shop while two worker toms--Tumblebrutus and Plato--bring the crate in. It's an elaborate groomer's chair.)
MUNKU: Is that a chair fit for a king
A wondrous, neat, and most particular chair?
You tell me where is there a seat
Can half compare with this particular thing!
I have a few minor adjustments to make..
They'll take a moment
I'll call you...
I HAVE ANOTHER FRIEND!
(Mrs. Dotsett is also singing during this last song, too, but since dialogue overlaps here...we'll skip it. Anyway, this new chair has a lever which sends whatever's in the chair to Mrs. Dotsett's bakehouse. When Todd bangs the floor three times, then Mrs. Dotsett will know she has "fresh supplies".)
JEMI: Ewwwwwww!
GEORGE: This is getting really disgusting.
TUMBLE: "Getting really disgusting?" It got really disgusting at the end of the first act!
(The scene goes to the Streets of London, but we still see the upstairs groomers' shop. This is done when the background cats push the set shut...while singing a work song?)
BACKGROUND CATS: When Pharoah was in Egypt's land
Let my kitties go!
MATT: Real cute, you guys. I'm not asking you to do slave labor here, I'm just asking you to push a set shut!
TUMBLE: Same thing.
MATT: And where do you guys get off comparing me to that tyrannical Pharaoh? Although it gives me a good idea for a parody...
ALL: OH NO!
(But anyway, Antugny is searching the streets of London for his beloved Jemanna, while Todd is conducting business in the shop.)
TUGGER: I FEEEEEEEL YOU, JEMAAAAAAANAAAAAAA...
I feel you...
Do they think that walls can hide you?
Even now I'm at your window.
I am in the dark beside you,
Buried sweetly in your yellow fur...
Jemanna...
(In the groomers', a customer--Macavity--enters.)
MAC: Uh uh. Not gonna do it, not gonna do it, wouldn't be prudent...
MATT: Mac, quit doing your George Bush imitation and get your furry hide in that chair!
MAC: Who said I was imitating Bush? I'm not getting my throat slashed!
MATT: Uh, why do you think we taped that ketchup packet to your neck? We have to keep all of you intact for other parodies!
(Todd ushers him into the chair and prepares him for a fur combing and trim...)
MUNKU: And are you beautiful and pale
With yellow fur, like her?
I'd want you beautiful and pale
The way I've dreamed you were...
MUNKU AND TUGGER: Jemanna...
MUNKU: And if you're beautiful, what then,
With yellow fur, like wheat
I think we shall not meet again...
(He takes his claws and slashes the customer's throat. Ketchup flows out of the packet taped to Macavity's neck.)
MUNKU: Jemanna...
TUGGER: (simultaneously) I'll steal you, Jemanna...
MUNKU: Goodbye, Jemanna,
You're gone and yet you're mine.
I'm fine, Jemanna...I'm fine!
(He pulls the lever and the dead customer goes down the chute.)
MAC: WHEEEEEEEE!!!!
MATT: Uh, Macavity, you're supposed to be dead!
MAC: I can't help it! Going down the slide into the lower part of the set is fun!
TUGGER: Jemanna....
(As night falls, smoke comes from the chimney of the bakehouse. Mrs. Dotsett is putting "spare parts" in, and the beggar queen sees this, trying to convince passing cats that Mrs. Dotsett is evil...)
JENNY: This is so not me.
MATT: I figured, since you were such a great Miss Hannigan in "Jemmie"...
JENNY: Save your breath, bubba.
GRIZ: (sings) Smoke! Smoke!
Sign of Firefrorefiddle, sign of Firefrorefiddle!
CITY ON FIRE!
Witch! Witch!
JENNY: I'm not a witch, THEY dressed me up like this!
JULIE: Wow, two Monty Python references in one fic, I'm impressed!
GRIZ: If I have to dress up like a beggar, may I at least finish my song?
(sings again)
Smell it, sir! An evil smell!
Every night at the vespers' bell
Smoke that comes from the mouth of the fell
CITY ON FIRE!
City on fire...
Mischief! Mischief! Mischief...
(The sun rises again, and Todd welcomes another customer--Admetus--into his shop. The same thing happens...)
MUNKU: And if I never hear your voice,
My turtledove, my dear,
I still have reason to rejoice...
The way ahead is clear,
(this next part is sung simultaneously)
MUNKU: Jemanna...
JEMI: (off stage) I'll marry Antugny Sunday,
Antugny Sunday...
TUGGER: I feel you...
MUNKU: And in that darkness when I'm blind
With what I can't forget...
TUGGER: Jemanna...
MUNKU: It's always morning in my mind,
My little lamb, my pet,
Jemanna...
JEMI: (still off stage) I knew you'd come for me one day...
Come for me...one day...
MUNKU AND TUGGER: You stay, Jemanna...
(Todd slashes the second customer's throat, again by slashing a ketchup packet open with his claw.)
MUNKU: The way I've dreamed you are.
(Night falls yet again. Todd looks at the sky...)
MUNKU: Oh, look, Jemanna...a star!
(He pulls the chair lever, and Admetus goes down the chute, leaving only his hat.)
LEC: So he bumped off a background cat. Big whoop.
ADMETUS: HEY!
TUGGER: Buried sweetly in your yellow fur...
MUNKU: (throwing the hat down the chute) A shooting star!
(And smoke rises from the bakehouse chimney yet again, and the beggar queen reappears, trying to convince passing cats yet again that Mrs. Dotsett is a witch...)
GRIZ: There! There! Somebody, somebody, look up there!
Didn't I tell you? Smell that air! City on fire!
Quick, sir! Run and tell! Warn 'em all of the witch's spell!
There it is, there it is, the unholy smell!
Tell it to the Beadle and the police as well!
Tell 'em! Tell 'em! Help! Fiend! CITY ON FIRE!!!!
City on fire...mischief...mischief...mischief....(she hisses at the bakehouse)
CASS: This role really isn't much of a stretch for Grizabella, is it?
JULIE: Hey, she wasn't always the loony toon you see before you.
POUNCE: Oh, she tried to spring that story on you too, huh?
(Todd welcomes a third customer--Coricopat--into his shop, who has come with his wife--Tantomile--and daughter--Electra. Todd grooms the customer and the family heads off, and Todd clicks his claws in a "darn" gesture.)
CORI: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!
(Anyway, Antugny--thought we had forgotten about him, huh?--has found Jemanna, she is incarcerated in an insane asylum. With no way to get her out, he heads back to Todd's shop. Todd, however, is in Mrs. Dotsett's parlor...)
JENNY: (counting the day's cash intake) Ooh, Mr. Todd...
(kisses him)
I'm so happy (kisses him again) I could (kisses him again) eat you up, I really could!
TUMBLE: So kill him and bake him into a pie, already! We've got things to do and cats to see!
JENNY: You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd?
What I dream, if the business stays as good,
Where I'd really like to go
In a year or so...
Don't you want to know?
MUNKU: Of course...
JENNY: Do you really want to know?
MUNKU: Yes, yes, I do, I do...
JENNY: By the sea, Mr. Todd
That's the life I covet
By the sea, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, I know you'd love it
You and me, Mr. T,
POUNCE: I pity the fool...
CET: Not THAT Mr. T!
JENNY: We could be alone
In a house wot we'd almost own
Down by the sea...
MUNKU: Anything you say...
JENNY: Wouldn't that be smashing?
With the sea at our gate,
We'll have kippered herring
Wot have swum to us straight
From the Straits of Bering
Every night in the kip
When we're through our kippers
I'll be there slippin' off your slippers
By the sea, with the fishies splashing
By the sea, wouldn't that be smashing?
Down by the sea...(stops)
OK, OK, HOW CAN ANYONE SING THIS WITHOUT SLIPPING ON THEIR TONGUES?! Not only is this anti-feminist drivel, but IT'S GOING WAY TOO FAST FOR ME TO BOOT! I'm getting a headache! How could Angela Lansbury DO this?!
(Anyhoo, to make an already long act short, Antugny approaches the groomers' shop at that moment and tells Mr. Todd that he's found Jemanna at the asylum. Todd teaches Antugny how to act like a wigmaker so he can disguise himself and rescue Jemanna. Antugny agrees to bring Jemanna back to the groomers' shop and then Todd writes a letter to Judge Deuterpin to let him know where Jemanna is...so he can finally extract his revenge!)
TUMBLE: 'Scuse me a minute. (pukes into a spittoon)
(Meanwhile, at the pie shop, Mistobias is thanking Mrs. Dotsett for being so accomodating to him...)
MISTO: YOu know, ma'am, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. If there was a monster or an ogre or an insane director...
MATT: HEY! I resemble that remark!
MISTO: ...or anything bad like that wot was after you, I'd rip it apart with my bare paws, I would.
JENNY: What a sweet kitten it is.
MISTO: Even if it was just a tom.
JENNY: A tom, dear?
MISTO: A tom wot was bad and wot might be luring you all unbeknownst into his evil deeds, like.
MUNGO: Oi'm outta me 'ead
Aoowww, 'elp me, for Oi maiy be dead
They mustn't carry ou' their evil deeds! AAAHHH!
BACKSTAGE CATS: When Mungoeddie said he didn't like his teddy...
MISTO: EXCUSE ME, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A TENDER MOMENT HERE!!!!
MATT: Besides, that's the wrong song!
JENNY: (still in character)
What is this? What are you talking about?
MISTO: (sings) Nothing's gonna harm you,
Not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you
No, sir, not while I'm around.
Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling, I don't care, I got ways...
JENNY: Of course you do. What a sweet, affectionate kitten it is.
MISTO: No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.
Demon'll charm you with a smale for a while,
But in time, nothing can harm you,
Not while I'm around!
Not to worry, not to worry,
I may be smart but I ain't dumb.
I can do it, put me to it, show me something I can overcome,
Not to worry, mum...
(The backstage cats are all sobbing, except for Tumblebrutus, who is now puking because of the sweetness of this song, not because of what's in the "meat pies"...)
TUMBLE: Softies.
(Mrs. Dotsett takes a candy from her purse and offers it to Mistobias. As he takes it, he realizes the purse used to belong to Skimbelli. Mrs. Dotsett quickly covers it up...)
JENNY: Now let's stop all this foolish chatter and just sit here nice and quiet.
Nothing's gonna harm you,
Not while I'm around!
Nothing's gonna harm you, Mistoby,
Not while I'm around!
MISTO: Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling, I don't care...
JENNY: Toms and their fancies. What will we think of next?
MUNKU: No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you...
Not to worry...
Whistle, I'll be there.
Demons'll charm you with a smile for a while,
But in time nothing's gonna harm you,
Not while I'm around!
JULIE: *sniff* That song gets me every time.
TUMBLE: Wow, and Griz didn't even sing it!
JULIE: Wise tom.
(Anyway, Mrs. Dotsett realizes that Mistobias is hip to what happened to Skimbelli, so she sends him to the bakehouse to help makes the pies, something he hasn't done. She shows him the oven and the meat grinder, instructing him to put the meat through the grinder three times to make it taste better. Mrs. Dotsett walks out, locking the door behind her, as Mistobias sets to work. She goes upstairs to find Todd, but he has disappeared, but a jarring note on her harpsichord sends her back to the parlor. She goes there, and the Beadle Bustoford has let himself in.)
POUNCE: More like "let himself go"!
BUSTOPHER: EXCUSE ME! I'm a bit sick of these fat jokes!
POUNCE: What'll ya do, Tubby? Sit on me?
BUSTOPHER: Wise tom. (gets into character, and sings and plays the harpsichord...)
Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass
Turned her eyes heavenward, sighing
"I am a lass who alas loves a lad
Who alas has a lass in Canterbury..."
JENNY: Oh, Beadle Bustoford, I didn't know you was a music lover too.
BUSTOPHER: Ah, well, when I saw this dear old songbook, I couldn't resist.
(Anyway, he sings some more, and then he reveals why he's at the parlor...)
Well, ma'am, I hope oyu have a few moments. YOu see, there's been complaints...
JENNY: Complaints?
BUSTOPHER: It's about the stink from your chimney. Just a routine inspection, of course.
(He gets distracted by a page of music he has turned to, and starts to sing. He gets suspicious when Mistobias raises his voice from the bakehouse, and Mrs. Dotsett explains that Mistobias ran away and is locked in for his own safety. Todd then shows up, and Mrs. Dotsett explains the situation, and suggests that the Beadle get "fixed up" by Todd...then starts to play on the harpsichord herself.)
OTHER CATS: (snoring)
(Matt goes to the tech board and presses a button which reads "CROW". A sound effect of a crow cawing is heard and the cats wake up.)
CET: THese narrations are taking forever!
MATT: Sorry, but not ALL the dialogue is in the CD libretto!
(So anyway, Mistobias is still in the bakehouse, and he sees cat hair and claws in one of the meat pies. He is starting to freak out, and all but completely wigs out when the Beadle's body comes down the chute. He screams and heads for the door....)
MATT: Psst...Misto, you're supposed to run for the door!
MISTO: (barely able to breathe)I... would... if... Bustopher... hadn't... landed... on me!!!!
Get... your... fat... can... off of me... Bustopher!
POUNCE: Hey, we're good at playing lunatics!
CET: How so?
POUNCE: Because we always do these parodies. Anyone who has stuck with Matt this long has GOT to be insane.
Rats in the grass!
And the lunatics yelling in the streets!
It's the end of the world! Yes! City on fire!
Hunchbacks dancing!
Stirrings in the ground and the whirring of giant wings!
Watch out! Look! Blotting out the moonlifht,
Thick black rain falling on the
CITY ON FIRE!
CITY ON FIRE!
CITY ON FIRE!
(What happens next is one giant chase scene...the police cats are running after Antugny and Jemanna, Todd and Mrs. Dotsett are searching for Tobias...and the beggar queen is watching it all, near the pie shop...)
GRIZ: Beadle...Beadle...
No good hiding, I saw you!
Are you in there still, Beadle? Beadle?
Get her, but watch it!
She's a wicked one, she'll deceive you
With her fancy gowns, and her fancy airs, and her...
MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF! FIREFROREFIDDLE'S WORK!
(Tantomile hits her head when Griz screams that last line.)
TANTI: OWWWWW! I wish you guys would let me know when you increase the volume!
GRIZ: Where are you, Beadle? Beadle?....
(Back at the groomers', Antugny and Jemanna, who is now dressed as a sailor, arrive.)
TUGGER: Mr. Todd?
JEMI: No one is here. Where is this Mr. Todd?
TUGGER: No matter. He'll be back in a moment, for I trust him as I trust my right front leg. Now wait for him here, and I'll return with the coach in less than half an hour.
JEMI: But they are still after us still. What if they should trace us here? Oh, Antugny, please let me come with you!
BOMB: KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF MY TOM!
MATT: What gives?
BOMB: If he can be overprotective of me, I can be overprotective of him.
TUGGER: (undistracted) No my darling, there is no safety for you on the street.
JEMI: But dressed in these sailor's clothes, who is to know it is I?
TUGGER: No, the risk is too great.
(sings)
Ah, miss,
Look at me, look at me, miss, oh,
Look at me, please, oh.
(He doesn't know it, but the other queens are sure looking at him!)
Favor me, favor me with your glance,
Ah miss,
Soon we'll be, soon we'll be gone
And sailing the seas
And happily, happily wed in France...
TUGGER AND JEMI: ANd we'll sail the world and see its wonders...
From the pearls of spain to the rubies of Tibet...
And then come home to London some day...
(They kiss)
BACKSTAGE CATS: Awwwwwww.
JEMI: *PURRRRRRRRRRRR*
TUGGER: ANd I'll be back before those lips have time to lose that smile.
(Jemanna surveys the groomers' shop and the chair. But before she can pull the trap door release, the beggar queen comes into the shop. Jemanna hides inside a trunk.)
GRIZ: Beadle...!
Beadle!
Where are you?
Beadle, dear!
Beadle!
(The beggar queen surveys the room, and then pretends to pick up a baby and rocks it...but at that moment, Todd approaches...)
MUNKU: YOU! What are you doing here?
GRIZ: (grabbing Munku as he's waiting for Judge Deuterpin) Ah, evil is here, sir. THe stink of evil, from below, from HER!...Beadle, dear Beadle...
MUNKU: Out of here!
GRIZ: She's Firefrorefiddle's wife! Oh, beware, sir. Beware of her. She with no pity in her heart.
MUNKU: OUT, I say!
GRIZ: Hey, don't I know you, mister?
(Judge Deuterpin is outside.)
OLD D: Mr. Todd, sir?
MUNKU: The Judge! I HAVE NO TIME! (he slits the beggar queens throat with his claw..same effect as before... and sends her down the chute. The Judge enters...)
OLD D: Where is she? Where is the queen?
MUNKU: Below, your honor, with my neighbor, Mrs. Dotsett. Thank Heavyside the sailor did not molest her. Thank Heavyside, too, she has seen the error of her ways.
OLD D: She has?
MUNKU: Oh yes, sir, your lesson was well learned. She speaks only of you, longing for forgiveness.
OLD D: And she shall have it. She'll be here soon, you say?
MUNKU: I think I hear her now.
OLD D: Oh, excellent, my friend!
MUNKU: Is that her dainty footstep on the stair?
OLD D: I hear nothing.
CET: That's the problem with old age!
POUNCE: Come on, let them finish so we can get out of here!
MUNKU: Yes, isn't that her shadow on the wall?
OLD D: Where?
MUNKU: (points at a spot) There!
(The Judge looks...)
MUNKU: Primping, making herself even prettier than usual.
OLD D: Even prettier...
MUNKU: If possible.
OLD D: Ohhhhh, pretty kitties!
MUNKU: Pretty kitties, yes...
OLD D: Quickly, sir, a splash of kitty shampoo!
MUNKU: (indicates the chair) Sit, sir, sit!
OLD D: Jemanna...Jemanna...
(Todd starts combing the Judge's fur, and picks up the kitty shampoo. He lathers it on the Judge, washes it, and then removes his collar...)
MUNKU: Pretty kitties...
OLD D: Hurry!
MUNKU: Pretty kitties...are a wonder...
OLD D: You're in a merry mood again today, Mr. Todd.
MUNKU: Pretty kitties!
OLD D AND MUNKU: What we do for pretty kitties!
Blowing out their candles or combing out their fur...
Then they leave, even when they leave you and vanish
They somehow can still remain there with you there....
(During this last song, Todd has gone behind the judge and bared his claws for his revenge killing...)
OLD D: How seldom it is one meets a fellow spirit!
MUNKU: With fellow tastes in queens, at least.
OLD D: What? What's that?
MUNKU: Oh, sir, no doubt the years have changed me. But then, perhaps the face of a groomer--the face of a prisoner in the dock--is not particularly memorable!
OLD D: BENJAMUNK BARKERSTRAP?!
MUNKU: BENJAMUNK BARKERSTRAP!!!!
(THe Judge tries to jump up, and Todd slashes his throat with his claws...again on a concealed ketchup packet. He then sends the body down the chute, and stares at his claws...)
MUNKU: Rest now, my claws,
Rest now forever,
Sleep now the untroubled sleep of the angels...
(He retracts his claws, and heads downstairs, remembering Mistobias is still in the bakehouse hiding. Jemanna steps out of the trunk as Todd leaves. Todd sees her and totally crazed, tries to cut her throat. However, before he can, he hears a scream from Mrs. Dotsett...)
CHORUS CATS: Lift your razor high, Sweaty
Hear it singing "Yes!"
Sink it in the rosy skin of righteousness...
(In the bakehouse, Judge Deuterpin is not quite dead... and is grabbing Mrs. Dotsett's skirt.)
JENNY: DIE! DIE! Everlasting Cat in Heavyside, die!
OLD D: Easy on the volume, Jennyanydots!
MATT: Uh, Old D, you're supposed to be dead...
(Well, the Judge is dead now...and then Mrs. Dotsett notices the beggar queen's body...)
YOU! Can it be? All the demons are sent to torment me! Quick! Into the oven with her!
(Before she can, Todd enters the bakehouse.)
MUNKU: Why did you scream? Does the Judge live still?
JENNY: He was clutching, holding onto me dress, but now he's finished.
(Todd is a bit anxious to bake the Judge...but Mrs. Dotsett is trying to keep him away from the beggar queen...)
JENNY: NO! Don't go near her!
MUNKU: What's the matter with you? It's only a silly old beggar--(as he picks her up, he recognizes her)
Oh no...oh my Everlasting Cat..."Don't I know you?" she said...
(looks up at Mrs. Dotsett...)
YOU KNEW SHE LIVED! From the moment I came into your shop you knew my Grizzy lived!
JENNY: I was only thinking of you!
MUNKU: Grizzy...
JENNY: Your Grizzy-a crazy hag picking bones and rotten spuds out of alley ashcans? Would you have wanted to know that she ended up like that?
MUNKU: You lied to me.
(Anyhow, Todd seems to be over it when Mrs. Dotsett said she did it because she loved him, and they begin to dance...)
MUNKU: The history of the world, my pet...
JENNY: Oh Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd, leave it to me...
MUNKU: Is learn forgiveness and try to forget.
JENNY: By the sea, Mr. Todd,
We'll be comfy-cozy
By the sea, Mr. Todd
Where there's no one nosy...
(He waltzes her closer to the oven...)
MUNKU: And life is for the alive my dear, so let's keep living it...
MUNKU AND JENNY: Just keep living it, really living it...
(He shoves Jenny into the oven, she screams as he slams the door.)
JENNY: GET ME OUT OF HERE, MUNKUSTRAP!!!!
MUNKU: Hey, I was only going by the script!
JENNY: You'll get yours.
MATT: Not now, we are so close to being done!
JENNY: Lucky for you this oven doesn't work.
(Todd returns to Grizzy's corpse, holding her...)
MUNKU: There was a groomer and his wife,
And she was beautiful.
A foolish groomer and his wife
She was his reason and his life.
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was--naive.
(Mistobias appears at this point, his mane has gone completely white.)
MISTO: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's tom...
Bake me a cake...no, no, bake me a pie
To delight my eye
And I will sigh
If the crust be high...
Mr. Todd...
(He notices Grizzy's corpse. Todd sees him and shoves him back. As Mistobias regains his composure, he draws his claws, and grabs Todd by his mane...)
MISTO: Pat him and prick him and mark him with a B, and put him in the oven for BABY...AND...ME!!!! (he slashes Todd's throat...again, the claws to the ketchup packet bit. Todd dies across Grizzy's body, as Antugny, Jemanna, and two police toms--Plato and Bill Bailey--come in as Mistobias describes how the victims in the play were disposed of, when he turns the handle of the meat grinder...)
MISTO: Ahhhhh, what a rush! Do I kill anyone else in this play?
MATT: Nope, in fact, it's over after this next song.
MISTO: Rats. Just when I was having fun.
(sings)
Attend the tale of Sweaty Todd
His fur was pale and his eye was odd.
JEMI AND TUGGER: He shaved the faces of gentletoms
And shortly after they'd be long gone
PLATO AND BILL: He trod a path that few have trod
JEMI, TUGGER, PLATO, BILL: Did Sweaty Todd.
ALL: The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.
(Todd's victims rise from the dead)
GRIZ: He kept a shop in London town
Of fancy clients and good renown.
OLD D: And what if all of their souls were doomed?
They went to their maker impeccably groomed.
GRIZ, OLD D, PLATO, BILL: By Sweaty
By Sweaty Todd
ALL: The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.
SKIMBLE AND BUSTOPHER: Swing your claws wide, Sweaty
Hold it to the skies
Freely flows the blood of those who moralize!
(The rest of the cats run on, except for Munku and Jenny)
ALL: His needs are few, his room is bare.
He hardly uses his fancy chair.
The more he bleeds, the more he lives
He never forgets and he never forgives.
Perhaps today you gave a nod
To Sweaty Todd
The Demon Groomer of Fleet Street.
QUEENS: Sweaty wishes the world away
Sweaty's weeping for yesterday
Hugging his claws, waiting the years
Hearing the music that nobody hears
Sweaty waits in the parlor hall
Sweaty leans on the office wall
TOMS: No one can help, nothing can hide you--
Isn't that Sweaty there beside you?
ALL: Sweaty wishes the world away
Sweaty's weeping for yesterday!
Is Sweaty!
There he is, it's Sweaty! Sweaty! Sweaty!
(they point around the junkyard)
THERE! THERE! THERE! THERE! THERE! THERE! THERE!
(point to the grave from the opening scene)
THERE!
(Todd and Mrs. Dotsett rise from the grave)
MUNKU: Attend the tale of Sweaty Todd!
He served a dark and a hungry god!
To seek revenge may lead to hell
JENNY: But everyone does it and seldom as well...
MUNKU AND JENNY: As Sweaty,
ALL: As Sweaty Todd
The Demon Groomer of Fleet...
(They all begin go off in different directions)
...Street!
(They all walk off. Todd and Mrs. Dotsett stare at one another briefly, then as Todd disappears, a loud CLANG is heard.)
VICKY: I'm glad that's done.
MATT: I'm still a bit irked about the background cats' "slave" remark. Although I have a great idea for an upcoming parody because of that Pharaoh remark.
Tugger, you got a minute?
TUGGER: Sure, what is it?
JULIE: I know what he wants...
MISTO: *sigh* I'd better get the twinkling lights on my coat to shine in many colors...
*THE END*
"Sweeney Todd" belongs to Stephen Sondheim and a whole bunch of other people. This author hasn't made any money in the creation of this fic, so please don't sue!
Fic is © Matt
