Carby

Pouncival: Well, it was only a matter of time before Matt got his paws on us to do this one.

Jemima: I KNOW! What's the deal with him and these rock and roll musicals?

Tugger: I kinda like his taste myself! Let me guess, I'm Tommy in this one, right?

(Matt approaches at that moment.)

Matt: Nope, actually you're Tommy's father in this one, Tugger.

Tugger: Why? I won't get to swivel my hips or anything if I play Tommy's father!

Matt: I wanted to give Carbucketty a chance to shine in this one.

Carbucketty: I *should* be so grateful.

Matt: Plus, Tugger, you saw what happened when you strutted around during "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show". When YOU come up with a way to calm down a bunch of hormone-driven female kittens, I'll let you play whoever you darn well want.

Tugger: Give me time, buddy.

Matt: You'll have plenty of time to think about it during this parody.

Tugger: Whatever. Carbucketty, a word, please?

Carb: Sure, Tugger, what is it?

(Tugger whispers something in Carbucketty's ear, and Carbucketty smiles and laughs.)

Matt: What are you two up to?

Carb and Tugger: Nothing, Matt...

Matt: All righty then! Where are the other cats?

Pounce: Most of 'em are napping, recovering from the anguish that was "Rocky Tugger".

Jemi: Yeah, it took a lot out of us!

Matt: However, it was a big hit. You guys should be proud.

Tugger: Proud? PROUD?! (puffs himself up)

Pounce: Forget it. As long as he gets praise for his parodies, we'll be doing his bidding. At least he didn't have us do "Annie", like Veronikitty did.

Tugger: Good point.

(At this, the four-cat rock combo who Matt hired to play the score enter. The guitarist plays a jarring power chord, which wakes all the napping cats up.)

Demeter: Huh? What's going on?

Matt: I knew that would get you guys to wake up. Now let's rock n' roll!

(Anyhow, the VERY LOUD four-cat rock combo...whose instruments are made up of old junk...play the introduction, as we see a 60's style montage of World War I images. The music finally softens a bit...)

All: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(...and we see a young, pregnant queen (Demeter) being given some bad news by two toms (Admetus and Quaxo) in British WWII garb.)

Admetus and Quaxo: (sing)

Captain Tugger didn't come home,

His unborn child will never know him.

Believe him missing with a number of men,

Don't expect to see him again...

(In another flash forward, Mrs. Tugger gives birth to her kitten.)

Skimbleshanks: Fortunately, given the gestation period for a cat, this can be somewhat believable.

Matt: This isn't science class, Skimble. I don't think the readers want to know that.

Skimble: Well, excuuuuuse me!

(So anyway, the midwife (Jennyanydots) and whatever queens backstage we could coax into wearing nurse uniforms sing the birth announcement as they present Mrs. Tugger...)

Demeter: Man, do I even have a character name in this thing, besides "Mrs. Tugger"?

Matt: Not to my knowledge.

Dem: Who wrote this thing?

Matt: Take it up with Pete Townshend, not me.

(...with her newborn baby, which is really a rag doll wrapped in an old bedsheet.)

Jennyanydots, Jemima, Victoria: (sing)

It's a tom, Mrs. Tugger, it's a tom.

It's a tom, Mrs. Tugger, it's a tom.

A SOOOOOON!

A SOOOOOON!

A SOOOOOON!

Bomb: Demeter plays Mrs. Tugger? I hope she knows that I'm the REAL Mrs. Tugger!

Jemi: No, I am!

Vic: No, I am!

Electra: No, I am!

(all the young queens offstage start to fight. Rumpus Cat breaks it up by squirting them all with a water pistol.)

Matt: See what I mean, Tugger?!

Tugger: Hey, it's only natural when you look as good as I do.

(So anyway, back to the musical. Several years have passed, and Mrs. Tugger's son, Carby, is now four years old. It is now New Year's Day 1921, and Mrs. Tugger and her new lover, played by Pouncival, are celebrating.)

Carb: Small problem here. How can I play Young Tommy and Adult Tommy?

Matt: Um, er....do what Jemima, Electra, and Pouncival did for "Cat Miserables". Play young Tommy on your knees.

(At this, the aforementioned cats start laughing their heads off.)

Carb: Uh, and what about when I do the "mirror sequences"?

Misto: I got that taken care of.

Carb and Matt: We trust you, Misto...

(So anyway, back to the celebration)

Pounce (sings to Mrs. Tugger):

I got a feeling '21 is gonna be a good year

Especially if you and me see it in together.

(At this, Captain Tugger, who we thought was dead, surprises everyone by returning home. Turns out he's NOT dead after all!)

Tugger: So you think '21 is gonna be a good year?

It could be good for me and her, but you and her? NO, NEVER!

(turns to Mrs. Tugger)

I had no reason to be overoptimistic

But somehow when you smiled, I could brave bad weather...

(Then, in a fit of rage, Captain Tugger pulls his gun out from his uniform and shoots his wife's lover. Pouncival, of course, falls over backwards, knocks over props, and finally collapses.)

Gus: I taught him that!

Mungo: No kidding! Only a Theatre Cat can overact a death scene!

Dem (sings):

What about the boy?

What about the boy?

What about the boy? He saw it all!

Dem and Tugger: You didn't see it

You didn't hear it

You won't say nothing to no one ever in your life

You never heard it

Oh how absurd it all seems without any proof.

You didn't hear it, you didn't see it,

You never heard it, not a word of it,

You won't say nothing to no one, never tell a soul what you know is the truth!

(So anyway, Carby is now deaf, dumb and blind. The years go by, and we find out that the only thing he can see is his reflection in the mirror.)

Carb: So I'm not really deaf, dumb and blind then, right?

Matt: I'm just going with what I saw. Pete Townshend was usually so hopped up on goofballs during that time frame that I'm amazed we could even make sense out of this thing.

All: Ooooh, let's just hope Pete doesn't surf on in.

Tugger: Yeah, I already took a musket to the skull in "Cat Miz". I'd hate to get a guitar to the skull!

(But anyway, Carby's mirror reflection sings to him. Mistoffelees, our head techie, pulled this off by zapping the mirror and Carby at 10 comes out. He sits in front of the mirror while the real, adult Carby, sings behind it.)

Carb: (sings from behind mirror)

Deaf dumb and blind cat

He's in a quiet vibration land.

Strange as it seems, his musical dreams

Ain't quite so bad.

Ten years old, with thoughts as bold as thought can be.

Loving life and becoming wise in simplicity.

Sickness will surely take the mind...

Jemi: You can say that again. Why do you think we're all doing this?

Carb: (continues)

Where minds can't usually go

Come on the amazing journey

And learn all you should know...

Griz: Been there, done that.

Carb: (continues)

A vague haze of delerium creeps up on me

All at once a tall stranger I suddenly see

He's dressed in a silver sparked glittering gown

And his golden beard floats nearly down to the ground...

(stops) OK, what do these lyrics mean?

Old D: In the 60's, when people did lots of drugs, those could mean anything.

Munku: Yet their meaning is "up in the air" for those who either stayed clean or came down.

Vic: Stop, please, you're making my brain hurt!

(So anyway, the rock combo plays a musical interlude, and we cut to a happy family Christmas scene. Captain and Mrs. Tugger are a bit concerned at Carby's...well, inert state, despite the partying going on...)

Tugger:

Surrounded by his friends he sits so silently and unaware of everything!

Playing poxy pinball, picks his nose and smiles and pokes his tongue at everything!

I believe in love but how can men who've never seen light be enlightened?

Only if he's cured will his spirits future level ever heighten!

All: And Carby doesn't know what day it is...

He doesn't know who the Everlasting Cat was or what praying is...

How can he be saved

From the eternal grave?

Tugger: Carby, can you hear me?

Dem: Carby, can you hear me?

Tugger: Carby, can you hear me?

Both: HOW CAN HE BE SAVED?

Carb: See me, feel me, touch me, heal me

See me, feel me, touch me, heal me

Tugger: Carby, can you hear me?

Dem: Carby, can you hear me?

Tugger: Carby, can you hear me?

Both: HOW CAN HE BE SAVED?

(So anyway, the party progresses and Carby catches the eye of his evil cousin Macavin.)

Mac: I tell ya, this is typecasting!

Matt: Just sing, OK?

Mac: (sings)

We're on our own, cousin

All alone, cousin

Let's think of a game to play

Now the grownups have all gone away

You won't be much fun being blind deaf and dumb

But I've no one to play with today

Do you know how to play hide and seek?

To find me, it would take you a week!

(he ties Carby to a chair)

But tied to that chair, you won't go anywhere, there's a lot I could do to a freak!

(his voice gets louder and more intense with these lyrics)

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I TURNED ON THE BATH

DUCKED YOUR HEAD UNDER AND STARTED TO LAUGH!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SHUT YOU OUTSIDE

TO STAND IN THE RAIN AND CATCH COLD SO YOU DIIIIIIIED????

I'M THE SCHOOOOOOL BULLY!

THE CLAAAASSROOM CHEAT!

THE NAAASTIEST PLAYFRIEND

YOU EVER COULD MEET!

I'LL STICK PIIINS IN YOUR FINGERS

AND TREAD ON YOUR FEET...

(Macavin repeats the first verse again, and begins another chorus)

Jemi: He's scaring me, Demeter! Demeter?

(Demeter is shaking.)

Mac: MAYBE A CIGARETTE BURN ON YOUR ARM

WOULD CHANGE YOUR EXPRESSION TO ONE OF ALARM!

I'LL DRAG YOU AROUND BY A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR

OR GIVE YOU A PUSH AT THE TOP OF THE STAIIIIIIIRS...

I'M THE SCHOOOOOOL BULLY!

THE CLAAAAASSROOM CHEAT!

THE NAAAAASTIEST PLAYFRIEND

YOU EVER COULD MEET

I'LL PUL GLAAAASS IN YOUR DINNER

AND SPIKES IN YOUR SEAT...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

(All the other cats are cringing.)

Mac: WHAT? Why's everybody shaking?

Matt: That was a VERY convincing performance, Mac.

(Matt opens the trunk of the car to find all the queens cringing, along with Pouncival and a couple of other toms.)

Matt: It's OK, you can come out now.

Pounce: I wasn't scared.

Lec: Please. You were the one who was screaming "DON'T HURT ME!"

(So anyway, the frightened cats are coaxed out of hiding and we can continue with the play.)

(There is a blackout, Carby is now a teenager. Captain Tugger and Carby are walking along a sidewalk when a hawker--played by Coricopat--beckons them.)

Cori: (sings)

You talk about your queen,

I wish you could see mine!

Tanti: Wow! Who knew Coricopat could sing the blues?

Cori: (continues)

You talk about your queen

I wish you could see mine.

Bomb: Whoo, sing it, Cori!

Cori:

Every time she starts to lovin'

She brings eyesight to the blind.

You know her daddy gave her magic,

I can tell by the way she walks!

You know her daddy gave her magic,

I can tell by the way she walks!

Every time we start shakin',

The dumb begin to talk...

She's got the power to heal you, never fear!

She's got the power to heal you, never fear!

Just a word from her lips, and the deaf begin to hear....

(Well, Captain Tugger wants to know what the big whoop is about the woman that the hawker is singing about, so he takes Carby to her...she's a gypsy.)

Matt: Bombalurina, you're on!

Bomb: Sorry, babe. Too busy groovin' to Cori's song...

(sings)

If your child ain't all he should be now

This queen will put him right.

I'll show him what he could be now...

JUST GIVE ME ONE NIIIIIIIGHT....

OWWWW! I'm the Gypsy, the Acid Queen,

Pay before we start!

I'm the Gypsy, the Acid Queen,

I'll tear your soul apart!

Misto: Well, SOMEONE'S been watching Tina Turner's performance to get into character!

Tugger: Man, she's making me heat up! *growls seductively*

Plato: Easy, Tugger.

Bomb: (continues)

Give us a room and close the door

Leave us for a while

Your boy won't be a boy no more

Young but NOT A CHIIIIIIILD...

OWWWW! I'm the Gypsy,

The Acid Queen,

Pay before we start

I'm the Gypsy, the Acid Queen,

I'll tear your soul apart.

Gather your wits and hold on fast

Your mind must learn to roam

Just as the Gypsy Queen must do

You're gonna hit the road...

(she then proceeds to inject numerous hallucinogens into Carby's system. Don't try this at home, kids!)

Skimble: Uh, he wouldn't be hitting the road on those drugs. He'd be hitting the CEILING!

Alonzo: I'm getting a contact high just THINKING about that!

Bomb: My work is done, now look at him,

He's never been more alive!

His head it shakes, his fingers clutch,

WATCH HIS BODY WRIIIIIITHE!!!!!

OWWWWWW! I'm the Gypsy, the Acid Queen,

Pay before we start!

I'm the Gypsy, I'm guaranteed

To break your little heart!

(The other cats are stunned by this performance.)

Jelly: Wow. I knew Bombalurina was wild, but not THAT wild!

Tugger: That's my girl! Rrrrowwwrrrr!

(Well, needless to say, that was the LAST time that Capt. Tugger took Carby to see HER!)

Tugger: But she can call me anytime, baby!

(...so, running out of options, they turn to Carby's drunken Uncle Deuternie)...

Old D: This part is so unlike me, it's not even funny.

Matt: But no one else could play the part...

All: OR WANTED TO PLAY THIS PART!!!

Old D: Fine, but to quote the Rum Tum Tugger, "I'm doing this out of protest!"

(sings)

I'm your wicked Uncle Deuternie, I'm glad you can't see or hear me as I fiddle about, fiddle about, fiddle about...

OK, OK, that's it. I am NOT singing this song. This is disgusting!

Matt: I agree with you on that one. It is a cool song, but we don't need to blow a PG rating any further. You never know who's reading these things. Moving right along...

(With no other options, Captain and Mrs. Tugger dump little Carby off at a youth center with an ancient pinball machine. Through some bizarre sixth sense, Carby is able to play pinball brilliantly, amazing his Cousin Macavin and other cats at the center. So what do they do? They sing!)

Tumble: Ever since I was a young tom

I played the silver ball

From Soho down to Brighton

I must've played them all

But I ain't seen nothin' like him

In any amusement hall

That deaf dumb and blind tom

All: SURE PLAYS A MEAN PINBALL!

Mac: He stands like a statue

Becomes part of the machine

Feeling all the bumpers

Always playing clean

He plays by intuition

The digit counters fall

That deaf dumb and blind tom

All: Sure plays a mean pinball!

Mac and Tumble: He's a pinball wizard, there has to be a twist

A pinball wizard, 's got such a supple wrist.

Mac: How do you think he does it?

All: I DON'T KNOW!

Tumble: What makes him so good?

Alonzo: He ain't got no distractions,

Can't hear those buzzers and bells.

Don't see no lights a-flashin'

Plays by sense of smell.

Always has a replay

Never tilts at all.

That deaf dumb and blind tom

All: SURE PLAYS A MEAN PINBALL!

Tumble: I thought I was the Bally table king,

But I just handed my pinball crown to him!

Even at my favorite table

He can beat my best

His disciples lead him in

And he just does the rest

He's got crazy flipper paws

Never seen him fall

That deaf dumb and blind tom

SURE PLAYS A MEAN PIN BALL!

(And thanks to Misto's special effects, Carby keeps playing and playing pinball until sparks emit from the machine...one of which singes Cousin Macavin's fur.)

Dem: Stop, drop and roll, Macavity! *laughs*

(So anyway, Carby has finally found a way to fit in with the local toms and queens his own age, and they carry him back to his house. Not long after, Capt. Tugger returns home and tells his wife that he's found a specialist who could cure Carby!)

Cetera: Wow. That's a change!

(SO anyway, they go to the Specialist's office. The specialist is played by Plato.)

Munku: I'm just glad it's not me this time.

Matt: Hey, you went above and beyond the call of duty in "Little Junkyard of Horrors" and "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show". I had to give you a break.

Munku: Thank the Everlasting Cat!

Plato: Will ya let me sing?

(sings)

He seems to be completely unreceptive

The tests I gave him show no sense at all.

His eyes react to light, the dials detect it

He hears but cannot answer to your call.

Carb:

See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.

See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.

Jelly: (reads script) Wow, Carbucketty has to sing that a few more times in this show. I hope he doesn't get sick of it.

Pounce: Think of how Roger Daltrey must feel. He's been singing it for nearly thirty years!

(So anyway, the specialist reveals to Capt. and Mrs. Tugger that the only thing he can see is his own reflection in the mirror...)

Jemi: Like we all couldn't figure that out.

(...which starts to tick Mrs. Tugger off...so one day...)

Dem: (sings to Carby)

YOU DON'T ANSWER MY CALL WITH EITHER A NOD OR A TWITCH

BUT YOU GAZE AT YOUR OWN REFLEEEECTIOOOON!

YOU DON'T SEEM TO SEE ME BUT I THINK YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF

HOW CAN THE MIRROR AFFECT YOU?!

Mac: And they say I get too into character.

Gus: Welcome to the club.

Dem: MAY I CONTINUE, WISE TOMS?

(resumes singing)

CAN YOU HEAR ME OR DO I SURMISE

THAT YOU FEAR ME? CAN YOU FEEL MY TEMPER...

rise Rise RIse RISe RISE RIIIIIIIIIISE...

Tumble: Uh oh! She's gonna blow!

Alonzo: Man, that method acting's powerful stuff!

Misto: You should know!

Dem: (continues singing)

DO YOU HEAR OR FEAR OR DO I SMASH THE MIRROR?

DO YOU HEAR OR FEAR OR DO I SMASH THE MIRROR????

(she grabs a sledgehammer and takes a swing)

Misto: INCOMING!!!!!

(all the cats duck and cover as she connects with the mirror...SMASH...and shards of glass fly everywhere)

(Demeter is breathing VERY heavily, surveying the damage she has just done. Misto just looks at her in disbelief, points his claw at the broken mirror, and it reassembles.)

Dem: Wow. I must have gotten more into character than I thought.

(Anyway, the destroyed mirror...which Misto has rebuilt so no one gets hurt on the stage...serves as a wake-up call to Carby, who can suddenly see, hear, and talk again. He sings a song which we'll cut down in the interest of saving HTML space)

Carb: You'll feel me coming

A new vibration

From afar you'll see me

I'm a sensation!

I'M A SENSATION...

(and his words ring true, as a paper tom shouts headlines of his cure to passersby)

Mungo:

Extra Extra

Read all abou' it

Pinball wizard in a miracle cure!

Extra Extra

Read all abou' it

EXTRA!

(...and Carby becomes somewhat of a cult hero, a messiah-type figure. One of his followers is a teenaged queen named Cetly Skimbleson. Her father is played, naturally, by Skimbleshanks, and her story is sung by Tumblebrutus.)

Tumble: Couldn't torment me enough with that Pinball Wizard song, eh, Matt?

Matt: Just sing the song.

Tumble: (sings)

Outside the house Mr. Skimbleson announced that Cetly couldn't go to the meeting.

He went out cleaning his blue Rolls Royce and she went inside weeping.

She got to her room and tears splashed the picture of her new Messiah.

She picked up a book of her father's life and threw it on the fire!

She knew from the start deep down in her heart

That she and Carby were worlds apart

But her mother said never mind your part is to be what you'll be.

(Any-hoo, to make a long story short, Cetly goes to see Carby and gets injured in the ensuing crowd......but enough about her, we hear what Carby says when he takes the stage...)

Tugger: Remember what I taught you, Carbucketty. Ready?

Carb: I think so.

(...so Carby comes out...looking very much like the Rum Tum Tugger in all his glory.)

Carb: (sings)

I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

And freedom tastes of reality.

I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

And I'm waiting for you to follow me!

(he swivels his hips while he sings, making the female kittens go nuts.)

Female Kittens: EEEEEEEEEE!

Matt: Oh no, not AGAIN.

Misto: I'm getting a strange feeling of deja vu.

Munku: Wow, Carbucketty's really getting into it!

Carb: (keeps singing)

If I told you what it takes to reach the highest high

You'd laugh and say "nothing's that simple"

But you've been told many times before

Messiahs pointed to the door

And no one had the guts to leave the temple!

Female Kittens: SQUEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Carb: (continues singing and thrusting his pelvis) I'M FREE!

Female Kittens: OOOOOHHHH, CARBUCKETTYYYYYYY! EEEEEEEEEE!

Carb: I'M FREE!

And freedom tastes of reality

I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

And I'm waiting for you to follow me!!!!

Other Cats: How can we follow?

How can we follow?

Tugger: Ha ha! That's how ya get the queens, Carbucketty!

(So anyway, Carby now has a cult following...and decides to start some Holiday Camps so people could get into his way of thinking...and Uncle Deuternie welcomes the followers in a cute little song...)

Old D: (sings)

GOOD MORNIN' CAMPERS!

I'm your Uncle Deuternie, and I welcome you to Carby's Holiday Camp!

The camp with the difference, never mind the weather,

When you come to Carby's, the holiday's FOREVERRRRRRR!

(he does a little dance...but throws out his hip in the process.)

Old D: Sorry. I'm not exactly the tom I used to be.

(So anyway, Carby addresses his followers, parents, Uncle Deuternie, Cousin Macavin, and anyone else we could cram on the stage for the big finish.)

Carb: Thank goodness...those female kittens have that look in their eyes they give Tugger! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

(sings) Welcome to the camp

I guess you all know why we're here.

My name is Carby and I became aware this year.

If you want to follow me, you've got to play pinball.

So put in your ear plugs, put on your eye shades, you know where to put the cork!

Hey you gettin' drunk

So sorry, I've got you sussed

Hey you smokin' mother nature

You missed the bus

He hung up old Mister Normal,

Don't try to gain my trust.

'Cause you ain't gonna follow me any of those ways

Although you think you must!

Tugger: Uh oh, I created a monster.

Other Cats: (keep singing) We're not gonna take it!

Tugger: NO! WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! We're not gonna take it anymore...

Matt: WRONG SONG, TUGGER!!!!

Other Cats: We're not gonna take it...

We're not gonna take it

Never did and never will.

We don't have to take it

Gonna break it

Gonna shake it

Let's forget it better still!

Carb: Now you can't hear me, your ears are truly sealed

You can't speak either, your mouth is filled.

You can't see nothing, and pinball completes the scene.

Here comes Uncle Deuternie to guide you to your very own machine!

Other Cats: We're not gonna take it!

We're not gonna take it!

We're not gonna take it!

Never did and never will

Don't want no religion

And as far as we can tell

We're not gonna take you

We forsake you

Gonna break you...

Matt: Phew. I saved the PG rating!

Other Cats: Let's forget you, better still...

(So now Carby is all alone again.....)

Carb: See me, feel me, touch me, heal me

(repeat 4 X's)

(then he apologizes to Capt. & Mrs. Tugger, Cousin Macavin, Uncle Deuternie, and all those he met along the way. They all forgive him.)

Carb: Listening to you I get the music

Gazing at you I get the beat

Following you I climb the mountain

I get excitement at your feet

Right behind you I see the millions

On you I see the glory

From you I get opinions

From you I get the story

(Everyone repeats these lines 3 X's. The four-cat rock combo then brings the music to a crashing conclusion.)

Tugger: Wow. That ROCKED!

Matt: And hardly anything went wrong this time! Carbucketty, you were amazing...Carbucketty? Carbucketty? Anyone seen him?

(a loud chorus of meows is heard, and then we see Carbucketty running top speed across the junkyard, still in his pseudo-Tugger gear. The female kittens are giving chase.)

Carb: Heeeelllllppppp! I think I was *too* convincing in this one!

Tugger: At least now he knows what I go through.

Bomb: But the difference is, YOU love every minute of it!

Tugger: You're right! Come on, my Acid Queen. Let's get some chow.

Carb: Wait! Wait! GUYS! COME BAAAAAAACK!

(we hear several loud female caterwauls, and Carbucketty screaming)

THE END