Veronikitty: Yessir, a grand day for spoofing!

Mistoffelees: I thought after my grand performance in Ragtime I could get some time off...

Veroni: Oh, don’t be such a wet blanket! This’ll be fun.

Grizabella: Just what exactly is “Triumph of Love” anyway?

Veroni: It was a musical that only lasted a few months on Broadway... But *I* liked it, so we’re doing it!

Electra: And she also likes that Roger Bart guy, remember?

Veroni: (blushes)

Misto: I thought he played Snoopy in You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown?

Lectra: Seems he did this, too....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is dawn in the garden of Splata and we see Grizione rejoicing...

Griz: See how the sun rises in fire!

Higher and higher it soars!

And waits for the moment,

This glorious moment,

When Splata is once again yours!

Misto: Ugh. Not the singing again..

Griz: Well, I didn’t get to do much in Ragtime, so indulge me!

Griz: Oh Mistis! After all those years studying, it’s time for you to avenge us and kill off that nuisance, Princess Lectonide! Ugh, and who picks her clothing? Have you seen her picture on the money? (turns to servants) Oh, Alonzaquin? Corimas?

Alonzo: So, I guess this means you like me after all.

Veroni: How do you figure that?

Alonzo: Well, since Roger Bart played Harlequin and you’re having me do his role... you like me! You really like me!

Lectra: Oh, can it Sally Field!

Alonzo: Hey there!

Griz: Has Mistis finished packing?

Coricopat: Almost... he has to get his books.

Misto: Issue in question... assassination. Slated assassin.. me! How do they know I’m equipped to do it competently? Probable outcome....

Misto: Oh, Lord. This guy’s a thinker! I preferred escaping boxes as Houdini...

A gong is rung by a offstage cat who is a bit too skinny and the force of the vibration shakes him into the ground....

Old Deuteronomy: At last the day I’ve prepared for is here. If I wasn’t against the whole idea of love and passion and women in general, I would say that I love the feeling I get when I imagine Splata ruled by Mistis. Although I don’t believe in emotions either.. so I guess I shouldn’t *feel* either. But still, that sounds......

Since Deutemocrates is probably confusing the heck out of all of us by this point, let’s just say that this 'eccentric little group’ continues celebrating for awhile. When they finally go inside to finish their battle plans, we meet our other two characters-- Princess Lectonide and her maidservant, Vicorine....

SCENE 1

Electra: Alright, here’s the plan.... (whispering)

Victoria: You’re kidding. No way are you getting me to do that!

Some time passes and inside the garden we see two ‘boys’ appear. One is muttering about a ‘darn loophole’ in his contract.

Lectra: See? No one suspects a thing! Dressed as males we can easily infiltrate this garden and I can find the love of my life... Mistis!

Alonzo: But doesn’t he want to kill her?

Veroni: *Now* you’re catching on! Don’t you see the problem? The conflict? The heart-breaking reality?

Alonzo: Ehh, no. But alright.

Vicky: These breeches just don’t go with my fur color!

Lectra: But white goes with everything! Stop stalling! Time’s a-wasting!

Alonzo: Hey! You there! Who are you?

Lectra: (whispering) DO something, Vicorine!

Vicky: She.. I mean, he.... What I mean is that....

Let’s just say that somehow the *articulate* Vicorine manages to handle Alonzaquin.. While he is busy, Mistis enters and Lectra quickly thinks up a male alias-- Forcebion. He wonders what kind of parents would name their kid this, but she manages to turn his attention back to the present with the explanation that she has come to be taught by his uncle, Deutemocrates......

Misto: How nice it is to have a friend. Hey! Let’s throw off our shirts and take a dip in the pond.

Lectra: BAD idea! I... um, have a... cold! That’s it! A.. chest cold? Chest cold--that’s it!

Misto: Huh. Well, alright! Hey, better idea! I have a secret that I believe I can trust you with...

Skimble: Even though he just met “him” and ....

Veroni: I can poke my own plot holes, thank you very much!

Misto: I am the true Prince of Splata!

Lectra: But I’m the rul... I mean, there’s already a princess--Princess Lectonide!

Misto: She’s an evil cat! Not to mention a really bad dresser! Have you seen her pictures on the money? Anyway, her uncle seized the kingdom from my family and put my parents to death.

Lectra: (aside) That picture wasn’t my fault, Vicorine picked out the dress the day the engraver came...

Misto: What did you say?

Lectra: Nothing!! Um.. you were saying?

Misto: Well, I’m going to need you to help me kill her. Swear it!

Lectra: I, uh... swear?

SCENE 2

Vicorine and Alonzaquin are having a picnic. They confide in each other.......

Vicky: So why’re *you* here?
Alonzo: Well, I... sorta have... a hyperactive libid.....

Veroni: G-rating! G-rating!

Alonzo: It’s.... embarrassing.

They promise to help each other out and sing a pretty cool song that for the sake of time we’ll skip over...UNLESS THERE ARE ANY OBJECTIONS!

Misto: You’re learning! (claps his paws)

Veroni: Want me to wipe that smirk right off your face?

Skimble: Ah, ah, ah! G-rating!

Vicky: I cannot resist you....

Alonzo: Wait until I’ve kissed you!

Vicky: Ooh, you egotist you! You’re my Mister Right!

Alonzo: I’m your Mister Right!

Both: Mr. Right!!

SCENE 3

The Princess is in the garden alone, waiting to meet with Deutemocrates. Suddenly she is met by Corimas who explains that Grizione wishes to meet with her.

Griz: Sit down, please. Now, I must tell you that my brother will not meet with visitors, Mr. Forcebion. Now if you will go about your business.....

Lectra: Wait! There is one more matter I wish to discuss with you. There is a certain woman that I have seen within these garden walls.....

Lectra: You *are* kidding me! This is too bizarre for me! They’re both women!

Veroni: Hey! The princess is desperate here. AND remember that Hesione doesn’t know this he is a she...

Lectra: Alright. But any kissing and I AM SO GONE!

Griz: I think we both know who that is. Might I hazard a guess? Could it be me?

Lectra: Yes. You have inspired a passion in me which is unparalleled. Please let me stay and we will be soul mates forever!

Lectra: Ahhhh! I see her motive now... If she can get Grizione to love her, she can stick around and be with Mistis! I GET IT! I GET IT!!!!

Misto: That would make *one* of us who does.

Griz: You may stay a little while longer.

Lectra: Thank you my sweet.

SCENE 4

So we can keep up a reasonable pace, I’ll just explain what happened with the servants while we were gone....

Corimas and Vicorine get into a wrestling match and (surprise, surprise!) during this fight, he discovers that this male is female. To woo Corimas to their side, she pretends to love him as well as Alonzaquin...

Vicky: Are *all* the females manipulative?

‘Fraid so.... Meanwhile, Lectonide manages to get in to see Deutemocrates.....

Old D: Hello my good man.

Lectra: Good day...(bows awkwardly).

Old D: Or should I say, ‘My lady’?

Lectra: Pardon?

Old D: What do you take me for? Even if I hadn’t noticed your sloppy un-male greeting, a female’s.. um, ‘Stature’ is far different from a males.

Lectra: You are right! I am.... Aspawsi. And I come to cure my emotional state.

Vicky: Let’s see-- that’s Aspawsi, Forcebion... How much more is there? I don’t think my mind can take much more of this storyline!

Old D: There is no way that you could ever do that. You are a woman and women are naturally emotional and irrational! Leave me now!

Old D: Why did that seem like the wrong thing to say in a room of females?

Lectra: I feel faint! Feel my heart.

Old D: NOOOOOO!

He runs out terribly confused by these new emotions of love and passion....

SCENE 5

The princess runs into Mistis again that night and they get into a fight over the nature of murder (don’t ask me!). She becomes so distraught that she throws off her jacket, revealing that she is female. He panics and goes to get his Uncle. She stops him.........

Misto: Unhand me, miss.

Lectra: I am........ Cecile! And I have traveled so long to find this place. Please hear me out!

Vicky: Aaugh! Yet another personality!

Lectra: It’s very complicated.... You see,

The day they laid my father to rest,

Before I could quell the ache in my breast,

The Princess Lectronide said it was best.

In fact, she decreed she did not suggest

that I be married to a person of her choosing...

Misto: I think you can skip the singing. Just tell me the story.

Lectra: Alright. The general gist of the thing is that I was to marry her cousin Hubert and if I didn’t she would decapitate me. So I ran to save my head and it started to snow, and then the forest around me burst into flame, and then I almost died from...... Myopia, and then I met a surgeon who was blind who was from Ethiopia and he told me about your garden and....

Misto: Sorry I asked. Whatever happened I feel that I should be sorry for you so, you can stay with me.

Servants:
THE SAD AND SORDID SAGA OF CECILE!!!!

Cori: We couldn’t help ourselves!

Vicky: Yeah. Far be it from me to want to sing a song, but this one is pretty clever!

Veroni: Moving right along.....

At this point since everything is so intertwined and confusing... We’ll quickly get to the intermission. Grizione realizes that she loves the young man, Forcebion; Deutemocrates discovers his love for Aspawsi; and Mistis has fallen for Cecile. So the princess has a small problem now. She only makes it bigger by revealing to Mistis’guardians that he has told her of his heritage.... Act I closes.

All: Teach me not to love... YOU.... SOOOOOOO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Misto: My head hurts now! This is really confusing!

Lectra: I’m actually getting a little interested in how my character is getting out of this...

Cori: Well, you’ve always been a bit of a loner.....

Lectra: Can I hit him and maintain the G-rating?

Veroni: (distracted) Sure. Just haul him out of the picture so people can’t see it.

We hear a loud thud from off-stage......

Lectra: I suddenly feel so much better.

Tally Ho!(aka Keep Going)