Misto: Where is she? I don’t see her anywhere.

Cilla: Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head. I’m right here.

Misto: Oh, rats. I thought we might get out of this. So, what’s the torture for the day?

Cilla: For your info, it’s not torture. It’s fine art.

Munku: It’s cruel and unusual punishment. After all, what did we do to you?

Cilla: Nothing. Look, I’m trying to get you guys “cultured”, okay? Work with me here. Today, we’re doing West Side Story. Now go get ready.

Munku: I’m probably going to regret asking this, but who am I?

Pounce: Why, I always assumed you were Munkustrap!

Cilla: Hardy har har, Pounce. Munku, you’re in luck, ‘cuz you’re Tony!

Munku: Wait a tick, doesn’t he-

Cilla: Hold it, Munku!! There are people reading who don’t the story.

Pounce: I highly doubt that.

Cilla: Shut your trap, Pounce.

Pounce: I don’t-

Cilla: Zip it! (think Austin Powers :-) )

Pounce: But-

Cilla: Zip!

Pounce: You-

Cilla: Zip it! Zip it good!!

Alonzo: Okay, okay. That’s enough. Let’s get on with this, yes?

Cilla: Good idea. Places, all!

(The setting is a New York City ghetto in the late 1950’s. In this time, street gangs were common. We first focus on a poor American gang known as the Jets. They are gathered in a fenced basketball court. Their leader is Alriff.)

Alonzo: Excuse me?! Couldn’t you come up with anything better than that?

Cilla: I’d like to see you come up with a better way to cross ‘Riff’ and ‘Alonzo’.

(The Jets include Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, Mungojerrie, Carbucketty, and Admetus. They start dancing and (believe it or not) snapping.)

Tumble: Are you crazy?! We’re not snapping!!

Cilla: Oh, yes you are.

Demi: Just do what she says. There are worse things she could make you do.

(Tumble thinks of asking her to provide an example, but thinks better of it.)

(As we were saying, they are quite occupied with making a genuinely pathetic attempt to snap in unison.)

Pounce: Hey! We weren’t given any time to practice!

Cilla: As they say, the show must go on!

(The Jets sing a song about what it means to be a Jet.)

Alonzo: When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way

From your first cigarette

Jelly: I beg your pardon, Alonzo!!!

Cilla: Just a word to the wise, Jelly. You may hear some things you don’t like, so if you have a problem with that, hasta la vista!

Jelly: Well, I never! Kits these days!

Alonzo: May I please continue?!

Cilla: By all means.

Alonzo: To your last dying day

When you’re a Jet, let ‘em do what they can

You got brothers around; you’re a family tom!

You’re never alone

You’re never disconnected

You’re home with your own

When company’s expected, you’re well protected!

When you’re a Jet, you stay a JEEEEEEEEET!!

Munku: Easy, Bocelli.

Alonzo: Hah, if I’m Bocelli, then you’re Pavarotti!

(They are in the middle of a huge ongoing feud with another gang, this one Puerto Rican, called the Sharks. Both gangs are constantly looking for an opportunity to get the other out of the way.)

Etcetera: Ooh, do we sense a conflict brewing here?

All: DUH!!!

Cilla: With a capital “D”!

(They ask Alriff where he plans to find Tugardo, the Sharks’ leader.)

Misto: Wow, that rhymes with ‘retard-o’!

Tugger: Shut up.

Admetus: (trying to get back to business) ‘Riff, where ya gonna find Tugardo?

Alonzo: There’s a dance tonight at the gym.

Tumble: Yeah, but the gym’s neutral territory. In other words, you can’t beat the stuffing out of him there.

Cilla: The translation is unnecessary.

Alonzo: (to Tumble) T-rab, I’m gonna make nice with him! I’m only gonna challenge him.

Carbucketty: Great, Daddio!

(The backstage cats keel over laughing. Carby turns a bright shade of red.)

Cilla: Alright, leave ‘im alone, already!

(They decide to meet at the dance at ten. Alriff is bringing his friend, Munktony, with him.)

Cilla: Three guesses who that is.

Jets: The Jets are in gear, our cylinders are clickin’

The Sharks’ll stay clear

‘Cause ev’ry Puerto Ricken’s

A lousy chicken!

Here come the Jets

An’ we’re gonna beat ev’ry last buggin’ gang on the whole buggin’ street

On the whole, buggin’, ever-lovin’ STREEEEEET!!!! YEAH!

Cilla: Yay, one song over with!

All: (moan)

(We next see Alriff going to Gus’s Drugstore, where Munktony works. He convinces Munktony to come to the dance to represent the Jets. After Alriff leaves, Munktony sings about a premonition that he’s been having, that something good is about to happen to him.)

Cilla: Think you can handle this song, Munku? I want to hear those crescendos and decrescendos.

Munku: You got it.

Could beeeeeeEEEE

Who knooooOOOows?

There’s somethin’ due any day

I will know right away

Soon as it shoooOOOows

It may come cannonballin’ down through the sky, gleam in its eye,

Bright as a rOOoooose

Who knooooOOOows?

It’s only just out of reach

Down the block, on a beach

Under a treeeeeEEEE

I got a feelin’ there’s a miracle due, gonna come through,

Comin’ to meeEEEEE

Maybe toniiIIight

Maybe toniiIIight

Maybe tonIIIIGHT!

Pounce: Careful! You could shatter glass that way!

Munku: (glares at him) Smart aleck.

Cilla: Don’t listen to him, Munku. That was great.

(The scene is at the dance. Both gangs are there, with their gals. Everyone’s favorite enemy of organized crime, Officer Skrupke, is there too, to keep an eye on things.)

Skimble: How did I get dragged into this?

Cilla: I needed a Krupke, and you were available.

(There is a big dancing scene here, which is difficult to explain, but the black and white of it is this: both groups have different tastes in music, and each one wants to dance to their own type of music. The Jets and their gal pals, played by Electra, Etcetera, and Rumpelteazer, like blues, while the Sharks and their girls, Jemima, Tantamile, and Victoria, want mambo. To settle it, Skrupke decides that they’re all going to dance in a big circle, as one big happy family. Eventually, Munktony meets Demaria, Tugardo’s younger sister. They fall in love at first sight.)

Queens: Awwwww…How romantic!

Toms: (make gagging noises)

(Of course, before they can do much more than tell each other their names, Tugardo gets very possessive over his sister.)

Tugger: Who me? Possessive? (turns to Alonzo) Hey, you! Stay away from my Bomba, ya hear?!

Cilla: (rolls her eyes) Can we get on with this?

Munku: The most beautiful sound I ever heard

Demaria

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word

Demaria

Demaria! I just met a queen named Demaria

And suddenly that name will never be the same to me

Demaria! I just kissed a queen named Demaria

And suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can be!

Demaria! Say it loud, and there’s music playing

Say it soft, and it’s almost like praying

Demaria!

Alright, this song is getting really boring, so let’s just scrap what’s left of it.

Cilla: (grudgingly) Alright, alright. Next!

(The Puerto Ricans are on city roofs. This group includes the Sharks, played by Asparagus, Mistoffelees, Coricopat, and George. There are also Tugardo and Machino, Demaria’s Puerto Rican suitor.)

Macavity: What?!?! Machino?! I sound like some freaky half cat, half machine!

Cilla: Sorry.

(The Sharks’ gals are there too, and Bombita, Tugardo’s girlfriend, starts a song about the advantages of living in America.)

Tanta: But we don’t live in America.

Cilla: I thought I told you a couple of parodies ago to use your imagination.

Misto: Is it almost time for our coffee break?

Cilla: Soon.

Bomba: May I sing, please?

Puerto Rico, my heart’s devotion

Let it sink back into the ocean!

Pounce: Wow, that’s harsh.

Bomba: Always the hurricanes blowing

Always the population growing

And the money owing!

Sharks’ Girls: I like to be in America!

Okay by me in America

Everything free in America

Misto: For a small fee in America

Tanta: Buying on credit is so nice

Cori: One look at us and they charge twice

Tanta: I have my own washing machine

Macavity: You called?

Cori: What will you have, though, to keep clean?

Jemi: Lots of new housing with more space

Misto: Lots of door-slamming in our face

Jemi: I’ll get a terrace apartment

Misto: Better get rid of your accent!

Tugger: Everywhere grime in America

Organized crime in America

Terrible time in America

Bomba: You forget I’m in America!

Tugger: Yeah, baby!

(There’s a huge dancing part here, on the roofs. We won’t go to the trouble of explaining it; we’ll just say that everyone is thoroughly enjoying themselves. That is, until Misto gets a little too excited with doing 26 consecutive pique turns, and knocks Coricopat off the roof, which, incidentally, is about 6 feet high.)

Tugger: Ooh, that’s gotta hurt!

Cori: (moans) Is there a doctor in the house, perchance?

(Meanwhile, Munktony goes searching for Demaria, and finds her at her apartment. They meet there in secret, and sing, of course.)

Munku: Come down, Demaria!

Demi: I can’t. Now hush, you’ll wake up my parents. If Tugardo knew…

Tonight, tonight

It all began tonight

I saw you and the world went away

Tonight, tonight

There’s only you tonight

What you are, what you do, what you say

Munku: Today, all day I had the feeling

A miracle would happen

I know now I was right

Both: For here you are

And what was just a world is a star

TONIIIIGHT!!!

Tonight, tonight

The world is full of light

With suns and moons all over the place

Tonight, tonight

The world is wild and bright

Going mad, shooting sparks into space

Today the world was just a madness, a place for me to live in

No better than or right

But here you are

And what was just a world is a star!

TONIIIGHT!

Cilla: *sniff* That was beautiful, guys.

Misto: When’s our coffee break, Cil?

Cilla: It’s soon, I promise! Just chill, Misto!

(Back in their own territory, the Jets are hanging out, when Skrupke shows up, and starts yelling at them.)

Skimble: Gimme one good reason for not draggin’ you down to station house, ya punk!

Alonzo: Cil, do I hafta sing this song? It’s kinda pointless.

Misto: Kinda?!

Cilla: Sorry, ‘Lonz, I happen to like this song, so yeah.

Alonzo: Dang.

Cilla: As for you, Misto, one more word out of you…

Alonzo: Deeeeeeeeear kindly Sergeant Skrupke

Ya gotta understand

It’s just our bringin’ up-ke

That gets us outta hand

Our mothers all are junkies

Our fathers all are drunks

Golly Moses, naturally we’re punks!

Jets and Girls: Gee, Officer Skrupke

We’re very upset

We never had the love that every kit oughta get

We ain’t no delinquents, we’re misunderstood

Deep down inside us, there is good!

Skimble: There is good!

Tell that to the judge!

(They hold a mock trial for Alriff, with Jets playing the judge and jury.)

Alonzo: Deeeeeeeeear kindly judge, yer Honor

My parents treat me rough

With all the marijuana

They won’t give me a puff!

(We hear a thud as Jellylorum faints.)

Cilla: Someone get her out of here.

Alonzo: They didn’t wanna have me,

But somehow I was had

Leapin’ lizards, that’s why I’m so bad!

(The “judge” acquits Alriff, on account that he’s “psychologically distoibed”.)

Jets and Girls: We’re distoibed, we’re distoibed,

We’re the most distoibed

We’re psychologically distoibed!

Munku: And the saddest part is, they’re proud of it.

(The “judge” says they should bring ‘Riff to an analyst. Another Jet plays the analyst.)

Alonzo: Myyyyyy daddy beats my mommy,

My mommy clobbers me

My grandpa is a Commie

My grandma pushes tea

My sister wears a mustache

My brother wears a dress

Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess!

Analyst (Pounce): Yes, Officer Skrupke,

He shouldn’t be here

Dis tom don’t need a couch, he needs a useful career

Society’s played him a terrible twick

Sociologically, he’s sick!

Alonzo: I am sick!!

Jets and Girls: We are sick, we are sick

We are sick, sick, sick!

Sociologically, we’re sick!!

Tanta: Huh, they can say that again!

(Anyhoo, Pouncival, with his horrible fake accent, recommends that Alriff is taken to a social worker, because juvenile delinquency is purely a “zocial dizease”. The social worker says ‘Riff doesn’t need a job, he needs jail time. By now, poor Skrupke is going around in circles. They decide to recap all Alriff’s problems.)

Tumble: The trouble is he’s lazy!

Mungo: The trouble is ‘e drinks!

Pounce: The trouble is he’s crazy!

Rumpel: The trouble is he stinks!

Etcetera: The trouble is he’s growing!

Electra: The trouble is he’s grown!

Jets and Girls: Skrupke, we’ve got troubles of our own!

Officer Skrupke, we’re down on our knees

Alonzo: ‘Cuz no one wants a fella with a social disease!

Jets and Girls: Officer Skrupke, what are we to dooooooooo?

Gee, Officer Skrupke

SKRUP YOU!!

(The scene changes--)

All: Thank the Everlasting Cat!

(--to the bridal shop where Demaria works. She’s walking on air, and her friends want to know why.)

Tanta: (trying hard not to laugh) What has Ma-ma-machino done to her?

Demi: (also biting back a giggle) Machino, why Machino?

Mac: I don’t get no respect.

Demi: I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty

I feel pretty and witty and gay!

I feel stunning

And entrancing

Tugger: Hah, and they say I have an ego problem.

Demi: (glares) Feel like running and dancing for joy!

For I’m loved by a pretty, wonderful tom!

Cilla: Okay, that didn’t rhyme.

Tugger: “Pretty”? Munku?

(Later that night, Munktony and Demaria meet at the bridal shop. They hold their own wedding ceremony.)

Jenny: Why did I never get anything romantic like that? (glares at Skimbleshanks, who looks uncomfortable.)

Munku: I, Munktoine, take thee, Demaria.

Demi: I, Demaria, take thee, Munktoine.

Munku: For richer, for poorer.

Demi: In sickness and in health.

Munku: To love and to honor.

Demi: To hold and to keep.

Munku: From each sun to each moon.

Cilla: Okay, okay. We get the point.

Munku: Make of our paws, one paw

Make of our hearts, one heart

Make of our vows, one vow

Only death will part us now

Misto: Foreshadowing alert!

Cilla: MISTO!!!

Demi: Make of our lives, one life

Day after day, one life

Both: Now it begins, now we start

One heart, one heart

Even death won’t part us now

(The next night, several things are going to happen. Demaria and Munktony plan to meet again, Bombita wants to have a night with Tugardo, and the Sharks and the Jets are preparing to fight each other. For those of you well-versed in Les Mis, this song is very similar to “One Day More”. The best effort possible will be put forth to represent the different parts accordingly.)

Mungo: Bloimy! The narrator’s a bloomin’ dictionary!

Jets: The Jets are gonna have their day tonight

The Jets are gonna have their way tonight

Puerto Ricans grumble: fair fight

But if they start a rumble, we’ll rumble ‘em right!

Sharks: We’re gonna hand ‘em a surprise tonight

Pounce: Oh, goody! I love surprises!

Cilla: (slaps forehead)

Sharks: We’re gonna cut ‘em down to size tonight

We said okay, no rumpus

Rumpus: Huh?

Sharks: No tricks

But just in case they jump us

We’re ready to mix

Tonight!

Jets: Well, they began it!

Sharks: Well, they began it!

Both: And we’re the ones to stop them once and for all!

Tonight!

Bomba: Bombita’s gonna get ‘er kicks tonight

We’ll have our private little mix tonight

He’ll walk in hot and tired

Poor dear!

Don’t matter if he’s tired

As long as he’s here!

Munku & Demi: Tonight, tonight

Munku: Won’t be just any night

Tonight there will be no morning star

Tonight, tonight!

I’ll see my love tonight

And for us, stars will stop where they are

Demi: Today, the minutes seem like hours

The hours go so slowly

And still the sky is light

Moon, grow bright

And make this endless day endless night!

Jets: The Jets are comin’ out on top tonight

We’re gonna watch Tugardo drop tonight

That Puerto Rican punk’ll

Go down

An’ when ‘e’s hollered ‘uncle’

We’ll tear up the town

Demi: Tonight, tonight won’t be just any night

Tonight there will be no morning star

Tonight, tonight I’ll see my love tonight

And for us, stars will stop where they are!

Munku & Demi: Today, the minutes seem like hours

The hours go so slowly and still the sky is light

Oh, moon, grow bright

And make this endless day endless night!

Alonzo: We’ll be in back of you boy

Mungo: Right!

Alonzo: You’re gonna flatten him good!

Mungo: Right!

Alonzo: One, two, three! One, two, three!

Sharks: We’re gonna rock it tonight!

We’re gonna jazz it tonight!

We’re gonna stop ‘em once and for all!

Bomba: Tonight! Tonight!

We’re gonna mix it tonight!

Jets & Sharks: The Jets/Sharks are gonna have their way!

The Jets/Sharks are gonna have their DAAAY!!

We’re gonna rock ‘em tonight!

All: TONIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!

Munku: Coffee break!

Cilla: You all have a one-track mind! “Cilla, is it time for coffee break yet?” “Cilla, when’s coffee break?” Fine, take your coffee break already!!

(pause)

Etcetera: Okay!

All: Yay!!