(Macavity approaches Juliet)

MAC: So, Juliet, how are things?

JULIE: I AM NOT PLAYING THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST! Macavity, STICK WITH THE PART YOU'RE ASSIGNED...(this ranting and raving continues, and Mistoffolees walks by, and indiscriminately waves his paw. Juliet disappears.)

GRIZ: JULIET!!!!!

MISTO: I didn't mean it. (under his breath) Yeah right.

TUGGER: (sings) And we all say "Oh, well I never, was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffolees..."

ALL: Oh well I never, was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Misto...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! (pulls Misto aside) Did you mean it?

MISTO: What do you think, Einstein?

MATT: Where am I going to find another stage manager now?

MISTO: Give me some time. I'll conjure one up for you.

(Anyway, going back to the action ON stage...Demothy, Mistoto, and the Scarecrow hear a groan...)

DEM: What was that?

SKIMBLE: It's comin' from over there!

DEM: What should we do?

SKIMBLE: (pointing in the opposite direction) Go over THERE.

DEM: No! Somebody needs help!

(the three go to a nearby tree, where they see a tomcat made out of tin, practically rusted solid...)

DEM: What is it?

SKIMBLE: Doesn't look like an "is" to me. Looks more like a "was".

MUNKU: Oil! Oil! I need oil!

DEM: He needs oil!

MUNKU: Oh please, miss, there's some in that little shack over there.

DEM: I'll get it!

SKIMBLE: No, Demothy, wait...

(the Scarecrow and Tincat look at each other suspiciously)

DEM: (bringing an oil can with her) I found it, Tincat! But now what?

MUNKU: NOW what?! (sings)

Slide some oil to me

Let it slip down my spine

If you don't have STP

Crisco will be just fine

VICKY: Ewwww! Oil and fur do NOT mix!

MUNKU: Slide some oil to me

Hit my shoulder blade

All y'all that don't have to lubricate

Sure have got it made

Slide some oil to me

Slip some to my side

Standing here in one position

Sure can make one tired

POUNCE: So can doing endless parodies!

(Well, for the sake of your sanity, let's just say the song goes on like this for a while and they've un-rusted the Tincat...)

SKIMBLE: Come on, Demothy, we gotta be going.

DEM: How did you ever GET that way?

MUNKU: Well, I wasn't always made outta tin, you know. No, I used to be a real flesh and blood woodchopper cat, till one day a wicked witch but a spell on my ax!

DEM: A SPELL?

MUNKU: Yeah, and she did a number, let me tell you. I mean one day when I was choppin' down a tree, that ax slipped and cut off my left hind leg.

SKIMBLE: Mmmm. Ain't that somethin'?

MUNKU: I thought so. So I went to this here tinsmith I knew and I say, "Hey man...you think you could fix me up with a tin leg?" Well he did, and the next day I'm back choppin' again, doin' my thing, and dang if that ax don't slip and WHAP! cut off my right leg! So I go back to the tinsmith and get me another leg.

TUGGER: No wonder Munk's always so stiff!

SKIMBLE: Now at no time did it dawn on you to get a new ax?

MUNKU: Well, before I knew what was happening, bit by bit, I was all tin. And that's the way it all come about.

DEM: You poor tom!

MUNKU: Well, you can't have everything.

SKIMBLE: And that's the truth?

MUNKU: Everlasting Cat's honest truth.

SKIMBLE: Cross your heart?

MUNKU: No, I can't do that.

SKIMBLE: I knew it. You was jivin' us all along. C'mon, Demothy...

MUNKU: No, wait! Wait, wait! I can't cross my heart 'cause I DON'T HAVE NO HEART!

DEM: You don't have a heart?

MUNKU: Well, it didn't come with the suit. You know, nowadays, honey, it isn't enough just bein' good-lookin'.

DEM: Then come with us to the Emerald City and see the Wiz! They say he can do most anything for anybody!

MUNKU: Yeah? Just show me the way!

(Demothy, Mistoto, the Scarecrow, and the Tincat are going along their way, when they hear a loud ROAR...and scatter in the direction of the right side of the stage. A lion--played by Old Deuteronomy with his fur dyed blonde--enters and starts to strut around.)

OLD D: (sings) Say what you wanna

But I'm here to stay

'Cause I'm a mean ole lion

You can go where you wanna

But don't get in my way

I'm a mean ole lion

ROOOOAAARRRR!

You know I'm ready to fight

I'll turn your day into night

'Cause I'm a mean ole lion

And if you're half bright

You'll detour to the right

From a mean ole lion

All you strangers better beware

This is the King of the Jungle here

And if I happen to let you slide

Don't just stand there, run and hide

You just caught my better side

I'm a mean ole lion...

MEAN OLE LION!

MAC: I guess asking him to play my part is out of the question then.

BIG VITO: Uh-huh.

LEC: Seeing Old D like this...

JELLY: I know, dear.

(Our travellers, however, are not impressed.)

SKIMBLE: He don't scare me. Do he scare you?

MUNKU: No way, man. No way!

(The Lion won't take any of this disrespect lyin' down...)

ALL: Ooooooh, lousy pun.

(...so he takes a swipe at our travellers. Demothy finally takes a swing at him and bops him right on his nose...)

OLD D: (rubbing his nose) OW! Demeter, we're just pretending!

DEM: Sorry. All that balled-up rage at Macavity must have come out.

MATT: GUYS! It's called staying in character, look into it!

OLD D: (back in character) Don't hit me no more!

MUNKU: Will you dig that?

OLD D: Don't you know you could hurt a cat that way?

TUGGER: I guess she already found that out a few seconds ago.

POUNCE: No kiddin'.

SKIMBLE: You call yourself the King of the Jungle?

OLD D: You don't see no other cat beggin' for the gig, do you?

MUNKU: Why, you've got a yellow streak a mile wide!

OLD D: No, it's my mane. I just had it touched up.

(The other cats groan at this line.)

MATT: WHAT? It was in the script!

DEM: You coward! Goin' around roarin' at people...you oughta be ashamed (whacks him on the butt at this point) of yourself!

OLD D: Oh, I am. But it's not my fault. You see, I was an only cub. My daddy left home when I was born, and Momma...Momma was such a strong lady, you know what I mean? "Do this, don't do that, you call them paws CLEAN? Lick behind your ears, child, or you don't get no dessert!" I tell you, I got me such a bunch of schizophobic phrenias...

POUNCE: And given that he's saying this to DEMETER, this is the pot calling the kettle black here!

SKIMBLE: Oh, wow! Where'd you get all them big words from?

OLD D: My owl.

MUNKU: What owl?

OLD D: I've been seeing a high-priced owl for three years now.

DEM: An OWL?

OLD D: Yes, my owl. Three times a week. An hour each time. I hate to tell you what kinda bread that runs into.

SKIMBLE: And this here...uh...owl. What does he say is the answer to your disgraceful self?

OLD D: Owls don't give answers. They just ask questions. Hoo-hoo. So at heart, I'll never be anything but a big old scaredy-cat. (breaks down crying, and Demothy starts to comfort him, while all the other cats start laughing hysterically.)

TUMBLE: DEMETER comforting OLD D? This is a hoot!

(Well, to make a long scene short, Demothy gets the Lion to join her and her friends so he can go to the Wiz and get some courage...so they sing the show's big hit YET AGAIN...)

DEM, MISTO, SKIMBLE, MUNKU: Oh there may be times

When you wish you wasn't born

And you wake one morning

Just to find your courage gone

But just know that feelin'

Only lasts a little while

You just stick with us

And we'll show you how to smile

Come on...

ALL: Ease on down, ease on down the road

Come on, ease on down, ease on down the road

Don't you carry nothin' that might be a load

Come on

Ease on down, ease on down the road!

(they keep singing this and Mistoto launches into his great solo dance, leaping around. He does a baseball style slide through Demothy's legs, which nearly bowls her over, then decides to do his world famous spins. Thankfully, no one's cuffed to him this time, but he gets so into it that he loses control, knocking over other cats, scenery, and anything else that stands in his way.)

MISTO: Sorry 'bout that.

MUNKU: That's the SECOND time I've been banged up because of those spins...why I oughtta...

TUGGER: MUNKUSTRAP! Calm down! He got rid of Juliet!

MISTO: But that was an accident! And so was this!

TUGGER: Accident. Right.

(Meanwhile, backstage...)

MAC: So, Cassandra, has anyone told you that you look just like...

CASS: Save it, Mac. I know what you're here for.

MAC: YOU DO?...er, I mean, you do.

CASS: Let me guess...you want me to play Evillene so you won't have to humiliate yourself by cross-dressing for a THIRD time.

MAC: Was I that obvious?

CASS: Only because you've been asking any cat that doesn't have a part in this parody.

MAC: So will you do it?

CASS: Heck no! Siamese get enough of a bad rap as it is! See ya 'round, Red!

MAC: I hate when she calls me that...

CASS: I know. *grins*

(Our heroes are now going through the forest...when they make a wrong turn...)

OLD D: Wait a minute, y'all. Where are we?

SKIMBLE: I think we're lost.

OLD D: What makes you say that?

SKIMBLE: 'Cause you don't know where we are!

DEM: Then let's go this way...

(Needless to say, some weird-looking creatures show up. These are the Kalidahs, played by Cassandra's relatives.)

POUNCE: Or, as I like to call them, the Freeloading Siamese Society.

(To make a long scene short, our heroes chase off the Kalidahs...well, except for the Lion, who has fainted. After this, they run off to a nearby poppy field...)

OLD D: That was too close for comfort.

DEM: Tincat...

MUNKU: Yes, honey.

DEM: You sure saved us all!

MUNKU: Aw, it wasn't no big thing.

DEM: And Scarecrow, you kept your cool, too!

SKIMBLE: What can I say?

OLD D: That's right. The offense always gets the headlines. Nobody ever talks about the defense anymore!

SKIMBLE: What kind of defense were you doing, O Mighty King of the Jungle?

OLD D: The kind of defense only kings can do!

MUNKU: And what's that?

OLD D: King Fu!

SKIMBLE: King...

MUNKU: Fu?

(they start laughing hysterically, although that joke was so lame they're forcing themselves to. Demothy comes to his defense, and starts singing a song to him about being a lion...but since the real action is, again, going on backstage, we'll go there...)

MAC: Quaxo, Quaxo, Quaxo...

QUAXO: I'm the one in the middle, you drunk.

MAC: Quite the big bag...er, little bag of funny you are.

QUAXO: HEY!

MAC: But I'm here to change all that. You know how you're always complaining about how the cats love your twin brother Mistoffolees so much?

QUAXO: Yeah. The cat born with a gold horseshoe tied to his tail!

MAC: Well, how would you like to finally eclipse him and get your time in the spotlight?

QUAXO: How would I? I'd do ANYTHING...

MAC: Then play Evillene for me.

QUAXO: ...except that!

(Meanwhile, Demothy has finished her song, and the Tincat notices the Emerald City off in the distance. However, five poppies enter and the Lion starts to trip out...)

POUNCE: Oh boy. "Fur" flashbacks.

(...and gets busted...)

MAC: HA! Now YOU know what it's like...

(...by four police mice...OK, so it's Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Bill Bailey, and Carbucketty in mouse masks...)

POUNCE: OK, break it up, we're with the Mice Squad. (pokes at the Lion) I said, we're with the Mice Squad, buddy. Get up from there.

OLD D: The Mice Squad?

POUNCE: Yeah, the Mice Squad.

TUMBLE: This is so embarrassing.

CARB: Next time I'm close enough to Matt...*swipes his front paw in the air*

OLD D: Now look here, Mousifer, how come you can't never find a mouse when you need one?

BUSTOPHER: Ah, I can relate. They run too fast for me to eat them...

POUNCE: (enjoying this part immensely) Okay, Buddy, now where'd you get those poppies from, huh?

OLD D: Actually, I'm from out of town.

TUMBLE: That's what they all say.

POUNCE: You're under arrest! GET IN THERE! (they stuff the Lion in a paddy wagon.)

(Meanwhile, backstage...)

MAC: Exotica, how nice to see you.

EXOTICA: At least you acknowledge that you see me! I DO EXIST!

MAC: Precisely. And you have a better chance of being seen if you...

EXOTICA: Play Evillene instead of you?

MAC: Yes.

EXOTICA: Forget it, furball. I'm not THAT desperate to be noticed.

MAC: AURGH!

(Well, needless to say, our heroes get to the Emerald City...)

MUNKU: Demothy! We're here! I don't believe...Emerald City!

SKIMBLE: Man, we FINALLY made it through!

POUNCE: And all it took was three parts of a parody.

(The Lion then comes in, being flanked by mice.)

POUNCE: C'mon, move it along there, buddy!

OLD D: Wait till my owl heards about this. I don't believe it. Me, the Kitty of the Kingdom, bein' busted by a MOUSE!

POUNCE: (to the other four) Look, I wanna tell ya, your cat there was really flying.

BOMB: LOOK WHO'S TALKING! And Old D, you think you could give Demeter a few appointments with that owl?

MUNKU: We're sorry, officer, very sorry...

POUNCE: Well, just make sure he never goes in that poppy field again, y'hear?

MUNKU: We'll do our best, sir. Thank you.

(The mice leave)

MUNKU: What did you get into?

OLD D: Myself. (turns to Demothy) Little mama, I almost found that rainbow!

(The royal gatekeeper--played by the Great Rumpus Cat--enters, but he's wearing green contact lenses instead of showing off those fireball-red eyes of his...)

RUMPUS: Excuse me! Will you please carry on in front of another city?

SKIMBLE: Who are you?

RUMPUS: I am a cat who wishes he was anywhere but here...

MATT: RUMPUS! Say it RIGHT, please?!

RUMPUS: Party pooper....(gets back into character) I am the Royal Gatekeeper! (looks at the Tincat) And we don't allow any trash here in the Big Green Apple!

DEM: But we gotta see the Wiz!

RUMPUS: Well, the cat box is right there...

MATT: RUMPUS! She said "see the Wiz", not "take a whiz"!

MISTO: I have a feeling this will be a continuous running gag in this parody...

RUMPUS: Jeez, I'm not the only one who's made smart cracks...(gets back into character) You must be mad! The Wiz never sees anyone, anywhere, at any time! But on the other hand...if you care to make it worth my while...

MUNKU: (raising his ax) Oh, sure. Is it worth your while to keep your kneebone connected to your shinbone?

TUMBLE: The shinbone's connected to this red thing, this red thing's about to burst...oh dear. Anyone know how to do an emergency appendectomy?

MISTO: *sigh* I gotta do everything around here...(waves his paw and Tumble's appendix comes out)

RUMPUS: Now don't get no attitude!

MUNKU: You'd better let us in, or I'm gonna chop down this curtain!

RUMPUS: Oh, very well. But first you have to put on these green glasses.

SKIMBLE: Why?

RUMPUS: Why? Because that's the rule, that's why...now begone!

MUNKU: I oughtta chop down the old curtain, anyway.

(as they enter...)

RUMPUS: I said begone! Well, there goes the neighborhood!

(In the interest of glossing things over, let's just say they meet the residents of the Emerald City who say the Wiz is too ugly to behold...however they notice Demothy's silver slippers and let her right in to see him!)

(Meanwhile, in a dark area backstage...)

MAC: Coricopat, old buddy...

CORI: Let me guess..."Can you play Evillene for me"?

MAC: Am I getting THAT predictable?

CORI: YESSSSSS.

MAC: Well, just think of... (notices that Coricopat is giving him a look that would melt steel) ...forget it. Just forget it.

(Back ON stage, our friends have found their way into the Wiz's throne room...)

MUNKU: I guess we can go in.

SKIMBLE: I guess so.

DEM: Well, here goes...Mr. Wiz!

(two giant doors open, and a giant mask comes out. It soon flies away...now do you see why we needed Misto's character onstage? It's all about his special effects, which are even more magical up close...and there's another large structure, and shooting through it is the Wiz himself, played by the Rum Tum Tugger, riding on what looks like a giant tongue, but in this case it's a discarded surfboard...)

POUNCE: Hang ten, Tugger!

(...and Mistoto starts shaking, when in reality, he's providing hte flashing lights, fire, explosions, and other special effects to this song...which scares the bejeebers out of our heroes...)

TUGGER: JUST LET ME SING MY SONG, HUH? ANd I think my problems would be eliminated AFTER Misto made Juliet disappear...

(sings)

SO you wanted to meet the Wizard

Let me tell you that you've come to the right place

Should I make you a frog or a lizard?

You should see the strained expression on your face

If the way I come on is frightening

That's the way I felt like coming on today

Have you ever been kissed by lightning?

Let me tell you that will make you go away.

JELLY: Okee, I think this is making the Tugger's ego go through the roof.

JENNY: Gee, ya think?

FEMALE KITTENS: KEEP IT UP, TUGGER! EEEEEEEEEE!

TUGGER: (continues, his ego increasing by the millisecond) I fly, and the magic of my power takes me higher

To a level where the clouds turn into fire

In the warmness of the fire I feel fine

Just keep your eyes open and the magic you will see

It will whistle on the wind as it emanates from me

It's a strong and true vibration, you can feel it on your skin

Now come and take my paw and we will dance upon the wind...

So you wanted to meet the Wizard!

MISTO: Now do you see why *I* wanted this part?

(In the interest of time, we'll do the Cliff Notes of what happens next...our heroes tell the Wiz what they want of him...brains, a heart, courage, and to go home to Kansas...and he makes his decision...)

TUGGER: Come now! I have made my decision!

POUNCE: Ah yes, redundancy strikes our narration department yet again.

TUGGER: (turns to the Tincat) I will give YOU a heart...(to the Scarecrow) and YOU some brains...(to the Lion) and YOU courage...(and finally to Demothy and Mistoto) and I will get YOU back to Kansas...

DEM: Oh, thank you!

TUGGER: ...IF!

DEM: If what?

TUGGER: If you kill the most evil, the most wicked, the most powerful of all the witches in Oz...the Wicked Witch of the West!

DEM: But I couldn't do somethin' like that!

MAC: Darn straight! I haven't found anyone to cover for me yet!

MATT: Well, *chuckle* it's too late for that now, Macavity!

TUGGER: Why not? You've already killed one wicked witch.

DEM: But that was an accident!

TUGGER: I do not care how it happened. You're the best wicked witch killer in this country!

SKIMBLE: Mr. Wiz, what do I have to do to get my brains?

TUGGER: Kill the Wicked Witch of the West, of course!

SKIMBLE: But you just told Demothy SHE had to do that!

TUGGER: It does not matter WHO does it! This is a package deal. As long as the Wicked Witch of the West still lives, none of you get anything!

DEM: But I don't want to go around killin' nobody!

TUGGER: Demothy, if you want to get back to Kansas bad enough, you're just going to have to pay for it!

DEM: But...

TUGGER: NO! I have spoken!

(he disappears as Demothy breaks down crying)

*END OF ACT ONE*

TUGGER: All bow down to me, for I have spoken!

VERONI: (walking in to press the infamous "HTML Break" button) Now what have you done, Matt?

JEMI: Oh, only given Tugger a one-way ticket to Ego-Land!!

BUSTOPHER: Somone say Eggo?

JEMI: EGO, not EGGO!

POUNCE: Hey! Leggo my Eggo!

ETCY: I have two Leg-os.

VERONI: DOH!