By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

INT. THEATER

JOSEPH FIENNES
I am Shakespeareth!

GWYNETH PALTROW
Art thou in love with me?

JOSEPH FIENNES
Yes, even though many people think that I was actually a homosexual in my time.

GWYNETH PALTROW
That doesn't matterth. A lot of people also think you weren't really the one who wrote all this stuff.

WRITERS MARK NORMAN AND TOM STOPPARD:
Oh, shut up! It's a romantic, beautiful film and I use so many Shakespeare references it hurts. Give me an oscar!

THE ACADEMY
Whoa, they apparently did a lot of reading up on Shakespeare. They definitely deserve an oscar.

GEOFFREY RUSH
I'm a pathetic wiener of a theater owner. I also do that British foppish stuttering thing that Hugh Grant does. It's..well..uh..it's..it..it..it's.... well...uh..uh...quite funny isn't it?

NORMAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS
(trying desperately to laugh during this 'comedy') Uh.. his beard is kinda funny looking.

HYPER-INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE MEMBERS THAT STUDIED SHAKESPEARE
Ha ha. This is all rather humorous, and despite the fact that this film is entertaining only to people like me and contains no value for people who aren't as educated as me, it deserves an oscar.

NORMAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS
I sure wish this were a really intelligent comedy that was funny to everyone, and contained EXTRA references funny to the more educated elitist people, instead of a movie which relies solely on those references.

THE ACADEMY
Shut up! All of you shut up! This movie is wonderful, unless you don't get its references, in which case you are alienated! There's nothing wrong with that!

INT. CASTLE THING

GWYNETH PALTROW
I love thee!

JOSEPH FIENNES
I love thee, also!

Suddenly, we see a quick glimpse of GWYNETH'S BREASTS.

NORMAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS
HOORAY! I SAW PALTROW BOOBIES!! GIVE HER AN OSCAR! GIVE HER AN OSCAR!

INT. THEATER

JOSEPH FIENNES
I have been able to write a play because I am in love.

Suddenly, the queen, JUDI DENCH, comes in to watch the play, because she didn't get an oscar for the last queen she played so she's trying again.

JUDI DENCH
Hi!
(pause) Ok, I have to go now and prepare my oscar acceptance speech.

She vanishes, the time having passed that differentiates between a "cameo" and a "supporting role."

They put on a play, and GWYNETH plays a female, which is unheard of for the time. Also, the stuttering narrator overcomes the odds! Everything is just super! FIENNES makes an ass of himself doing comical things.

SHAKESPEARE
I wish Hollywood would leave me and my plays alone.

END

Copyright 2003 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.