By Julie-chan Rating: PG13 (this is a little ecchi, people...)
Disclaimers: Sailormoon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, not
me. I'm using her characters without permission, though
I doubt she'd let me twist her characters like this if
I asked. Then again, you never know... Also, if you are
even remotely offended by or disapprove of homosexuality,
do not read this. There's some swearing too. You have
been warned.
----------
Once upon a time, a young prince named Jadeite was born
in a fictional city known as "Silver Tokyo." Actually,
he wasn't really a prince, just a form of minor nobility,
and he hadn't just been born; it was really his sixteenth
birthday.
But let's not get technical.
Um...anyways...it was his birthday party:
Princess Rei of Mars of the first to arrive. Jadeite
opened the door and smiled.
"Rei, I--"
"Where's the baby?!" She shouted, storming inside the
mansion. She went all starry-eyed and began to search
the living room for a baby.
Jadeite sighed. "Rei, there is no baby. The idiot author
got my birthday invitations wrong."
Julie-chan, who was leaning against the wall on the
opposite side of the room narrowed her eyes and glared
at him. Of course, she was ignored.
Rei sighed heavily. "Great, so now I have to spend the
day at your place. Big whoop." She held up a package
wrapped in blue paper with teddy bears. "And now this
baby bottle is completely useless."
Jadeite sighed and plucked the present from her hands.
He set it on a table in the middle of the room.
Princess Minako of Venus and Makoto of Jupiter showed up
next, Minako holding a bag that was making faint "meow"
ing sounds and bouncing around and Jupiter bearing
cake.
"Koooooniiiichiii waaaa Jeeeedddddaaaa-cchhhhaaaaaannn!"
Exclaimed Mina, dropping the bag at the doorway and
bounding across the room, and draping herself over Jadeite.
"Uh...good to see you too, Minako," Jadeite managed to
choke out as the Ai no Senshi slowly suffocated him.
"Why don't you put some air holes in your present?" He
suggested.
Minako beamed. "OKAY!" She bounded back across the room,
nearly knocking over Mako, who was struggling to carry
a 14-pound cake to the table.
Makoto and Jadeite where both gasping for breath, for
the various reasons mentioned above.
As Jadeite finally got some air into his bruised lungs,
Princess Serenity and Ami of Mercury entered.
Ami tripped over Minako's present (still in the doorway)
and in the process dropped her own.
Poor Jeda-chan laid himself down on a sofa and moaned.
"WEEEEE'RRREEEE HEEEEEERRRREEEE!" Announced a cheerful
voice, as Zoisite entered the room, enthusiastically
dragging Kunzite behind him.
Zoisite...was...um....wearing a pink party dress, and
Kunzite was wearing a nice suit.
Julie-chan got out her drool bucket. -_^ You know...to
catch the drool in...aw, nevermind.
"Hi, Jadeite," Said Kunzite, as he strode across the room
and set a box covered in wrapping paper of mean-looking
alley cats (which Zoisite had insisted upon).
"Hey," Asked Queen Beryl as she walked in the door,
"Where's Nephrite?"
Jadeite screamed. "NEPHRITE?! WHERE?!"
Julie informed her, "The Jed/Neph fans on the TOC ML have
him paranoid now. He didn't invite Nephrite because he's
in love with Rei--"
"HEY!" Shouted both Rei and Jadeite at the same time,
while an ever-so-cute blush spread on Jeddy's face.
"--and he's freaked out by the idea of a relationship
with Nephrite; despite the fact that his fears are
completely irrational at this point," Julie gave him a
meaningful look before finishing, "and so he didn't
invite him."
Beryl shrugged. "Oh. Well, that just means I haven't
lost my lil' bed-toy yet." She grinned, and Jadeite
trembled in fear as his eyes widened.
"Uhm...let me go call Nephrite and invite him..." He
choked out, slowly backing away from her. "Julie-chan,
HELP ME," He whispered, hiding behind the author.
Nephrite appeared out of nowhere. "Ooh Jeeedddaaa-
chaaaaaannnn!" He called out seductively.
Jadeite whimpered, and Julie grinned wickedly, pushing
him towards the other man.
Nephrite smiled and conjured a rose.
"Hey!" Shouted Kunzite, looking up from where he had
been making out with Zoisite, "That's MY trick!"
Nephrite shrugged. "Gomen." He conjured instead a
bouquet of wilted flowers and a box of chocolate.
Zoisite began to pout. "How come you never do such
things for me, Kunzite-sama?" He whined.
Kunzite sweatdropped and muttered apologies, and after a
few moments the two of them resumed making out.
Nephrite grinned at Jadeite, who's face had turned an
interesting shade of red. He was *angry* now.
Julie patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay, Jeddy.
Calm."
"DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT BEING 'CALM!!' " He shouted,
causing Julie to hide behind Kunzite's cape, much to the
disdain of Zoisite.
Zoisite muttered to her, "Even a Zoisite shrine on your
site won't save you this time."
Sweatdropping, Julie stood up slowly, and grabbed
Serenity's wrist, pulling the princess in front of her.
"Help." She whimpered.
Suddenly, all pervious activity in the room was brought
to a rather abrupt end as Nephrite announced, "Seeing as
I was not invited to this party," he chose this moment
to glare at Jadeite, "I will be taking everyone in this
room hostage!"
With an evil laugh, he took out a remote control and hit
a button. Hidden panels in the walls opened up,
revealing terrorist weapons, which were loaded and
cocked.
Serenity fainted, too overwhelmed by the situation.
Everyone sweatdropped.
Ami shrugged, and kept reading. She didn't really care.
"Whatever you say, Neph."
Rei glared pointedly at Jadeite. This was all his fault;
after all, it *was* his party!
Zoisite squealed and clutched to Kunzite, who rolled his
eyes and attempted to comfort his lover.
Minako, one not to be phased by anything, gaily skipped
around the room, stopping to hug Nephrite, Ami, and
Zoisite (who was *not* happy about this). Her "present"
escaped, spitting and hissing at Neffy.
Julie-chan grinned and dumped a bucket of warm water on
the cat.
The cat turned into a young woman.
"Hiiiiii, Shaaaammmmpoooo!" Minako exclaimed.
Shampoo looked around, dazed. "Where am me?" She asked.
"Where is husband?"
"Hmph"ing at Minako, she stalked out the door, exclaiming,
"Me go find Ranma-husband!"
Julie sweatdropped, and explained, "For those who don't
know, that's Shampoo from Ranma 1/2. She's evil and
turns into a cat when splashed with cold water."
During this interruption, Jadeite had taken the
opportunity to flee. He was sneaking out the back door,
when all eyes turned to him.
Nephrite frowned. "Not so fast." He held up a bundle of
rolled up papers. "I'm armed with yaoi doujinshi about
you and Mamoru!"
(...agh...the mental pictures that provokes...)
Jadeite screamed in terror.
Julie grinned, and held up another bunch of papers.
"Better yet, I have some doujin about you and Neffy!"
She began to read "Private Karte" aloud...
Jadeite fainted, much to Julie-chan's extreme delight.
The senshi, completely disgusted, had left. All but one...
Sailormercury. (what? you expected differently? ^^)
A printout came from her computer, and she said, "Hey,
Julie-chan, could I borrow those and type up the rest
of the text?"
The author blinked. "Why?"
With an (faked) innocent look on her face, Ami replied,
"Uhm...no reason."
Julie shrugged, and tossed the manga to her.
Ami grinned wickedly, and said as she left, "Thanks,
Julie! I'll return 'em tomorrow!"
"Jeeeeddddaaa-chaaaan!" Nephrite called, attempting to
revive Jadeite. "Waaaake uuuuuup!"
Jadeite slowly came to, and threw up when he caught a
glimpse of the doujinshi that Nephrite was still holding.
Julie scolded him, "Hey, Neph-kun, please point that
*thing* somewhere else!" After a moment she exclaimed,
"Oh, for kami's sake, that sounded SICK!"
The flustered author quietly departed from the fic.
Nephrite sighed, and turned off the security system.
"Well, if I can't take anyone hostage, I'll do something
else evil. I'll put a curse on Jadeite," He exclaimed
gleefully.
Taking a wand with a star on top of it out of his
jacket, he muttered, "By the power of the stars, I
put this curse on Jadeite. He will prick his finger on
a spin--no...a rose; that's so much more romantic. It
will put him into a deep sleep, and then only I can wake
him up because--"
Julie appeared once more. "Give me that!" She exclaimed,
snatching the wand from his hands. "The 'Star Power Wand
of Power' is MINE!!" She cradled the star wand to her
chest, stuck out her tongue, and disappeared.
Nephrite pouted, and left.
The Senshi cautiously returned--well, all but Ami, who
had mysteriously vanished and was nowhere to be found--
and the party continued as more guests arrived.
* * *
(Next morning:)
Zoisite and Kunzite woke up to a scream.
"What was that?" Exclaimed Kunzite, "That sounded like
Jadeite!"
Zoi rolled over and muttered, "Who cares. Go back to
sleep."
They did.
* * *
Jadeite backed away from his assailant.
She was clad in scanty leather clothing, holding a whip.
"I am the purveyor of love and bondage, exotic warrior
Mistress Sarel! Neffy's paying me alot, so I'm here to
kidnap Jadeite!. In the name of B&D, prepare to be
puni--er, kidnapped."
Jadeite nervously grabbed at the nearest available
object...what was left of Makoto's cake. He flung it at
Sarel with all his might.
It missed her by several feet and landed on the floor.
"Uh..." Jadeite giggled and mumbled something completely
incoherent. He began to run from our "Bondage Queen."
Sarel cracked her whip, and it caught him around the
legs.
Smiling darkly, she informed him, "Neffy said I could
use whatever means necessary to capture you..."
He stared at her in utter horror.
"Please...no!" He shouted, to no avail. Sarel pulled the
whip tighter around him, until it dug into his skin,
drawing blood.
"There, will you cooperate NOW?" Sarel asked him, finally
releasing him from the hold of the leather whip.
He nodded weakly. He was going to be sore for days.
Mistress Sarel smiled, and teleported both of them to
Nephrite's castle.
* * *
Nephrite laughed evilly. "He's mine now!" He shouted
triumphantly. But then he noticed the welts on poor
Jeddy's body. He glared at Sarel.
She smiled innocently, and waved at the camera.
Julie-chan whispered something in her ear, and they both
edged away slowly, never looking away from Nephrite.
"RUN FOR IT!" Julie shouted, and they did.
Nephrite gently stroked Jadeite's hair, and a weird-ish
glow surrounded them. When it disappeared, Jadeite was
fully healed, and Nephrite's energy was nearly completely
drained.
He shrugged, and yawned. He fell asleep. Little did he
know that he had accidentally triggered the earlier
spell that he hadn't finished casting, due to a plot
hole the size of Antarctica.
* * *
...and both of our bishonen slept for a hundred years,
(or at least a few days) until a radiant maiden would
come to wake them up with a kiss.
* * *
"Hey! You can't do this!" A random reader from the
audience shouted. "It's called 'Sleeping JADEITE!' "
Julie-chan whacked the person upside the head with her
"Star Power Wand of Power," knocking him unconscious.
"Now, where was I...?" She asked.
* * *
Oh yes. Anyway, on a dare, Zoisite kissed Nephrite and
woke *him* up, because the spell mistook him for a
girl.
But we won't get into that, or the immediate effects
this event had on our poor Kings.
Jadeite, however, was still asleep in the topmost tower
of Nephrite's palace. Though fan-girls from far and wide
came to have a chance to kiss Jeddy, Neph-kun wouldn't
have *any* woman so much as *touching* his Jadeite.
And so the poor guy remained locked in sleep for several
months, until one fateful winter morn... (meaning
morning, not mourn. ^^)
* * *
Rei pounded on the door. "Come on! It's cold out!"
Nephrite opened the door wide, smacking the Senshi of
Mars in the face. "What do YOU want?" He asked sourly,
not bothering to hide the obvious disdain in his voice.
"Nephrite, I'm here to wake up Jeddy." She announced.
"Go away," Nephrite pronounced, pointing to a spot
far, far of on the horizon.
Rei pushed past him. "Neffy, let me just do this.
Otherwise this bad fic will never end, and Sailormoon
won't stop harassing me."
"I thought it was Princess Serenity in this fic."
Rei rolled her eyes. "The plot hole, remember? Anyway,
where is he?"
Nephrite solemnly led Rei up a creaky set of stairs, all
the way up till the room Jadeite was in.
"There he is," Nephrite whispered, hearts in his eyes.
Rei strode over to the sleeping man quickly, kissed him
on the forehead *really* fast, and announced, "Okay, I'm
done!"
Jeddy didn't wake up.
Of course, the author wasn't going to let poor Rei and
Jadeite out of this without a big, romantic kiss.
Rei refused to do so, however, and left in a fit of
rage and humiliation.
* * *
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?" Nephrite begged.
"Oh, fine," Sighed Zoisite, "but you owe me." He grinned.
"You have to clean out the youma stables from now on,
you have to go shopping for Beryl, and you have to..."
He shuddered. "...do the Queen's pedicure."
Nephrite was completely disgusted, but, having no
other option, accepted the offer, simply glad that
Zoisite hadn't come up with worse tasks.
"Oh Juuuuuliiiiie-chaaaan!" Zoi-kun called.
Julie appeared. "What?" She asked irritably.
Batting his eyelashes sweetly, Zoi answered, "Can you
change the spell so that Neffy-baka can wake up Jadeite?"
Julie went all starry-eyed and replied, "O-okay!"
Nephrite strode over to where Jadeite lay and kissed him
passionately on the lips. Jadeite wrapped his arms around
the other man, returning the kiss.
They continued to make out, and Julie decided to leave.
* * *
Epilogue:
Jadeite had known about Nephrite's devotion to him while
he slept, and so fell head-over-heals in love with him.
And all the Jade/Neph fans out there rejoiced.
And all the Jadeite/Rei fans tried to kill her.
And--(a hand is clamped over Julie-chan's mouth
so she can't continue talking)
THE END
--Julie-chan
