RECENTALTERNATIVE ROCK GIGS
I havebeen to every gig there has ever been and I know all about music.So the editors of The Mandrill asked me to review some recentalternative rock gigs. So I went to some , and I wrote down whatI thought, which was quite a lot, seeing as I have been to everygig there"s ever been ever, and know all there is to knowabout music. And now you're reading these things that I thoughtabout the alternative rock gigs I saw and heard using my sensesthat live in and around my head. And I got into all of them forfree, which you probably didn't, you lot had to pay to get inTOSSMEISTERS! And all the ladies there fancied me, and wantedto get off with me and look at me in the nude, 'cause I am thebest at looking at bands playing music and writing down what Ithought of it afterwards. SEE NOW YOU'RE JEALOUS!!! NOW YOU REGRETBEATING ME UP AT SCHOOL AND CALLING ME NAMES!!! 'CAUSE I'M A MUSICJOURNALIST AND WHAT DO YOU LOT DO, YOU SACKS OF SHIT?!! YOU CLEANTOILETS WITH YOUR TONGUES FOR A LIVING ! FUCKING WASTREL, TICKET-PAYING-FOR, NO-NAME, NOT-ON-THE-GUEST-LIST SEX CASES!!!! READ MY WORDSAND CRY ALONE IN YOUR CRUSTY UNDERWEAR WITH KNIVES TO YOUR WRISTS!!!!
TENSE PUMA, GOUT - London Kentish Town Forum - 19/12/1999
The moment Liverpool dirge rockers GOUT hit the stage, poised like wet hairnets, the audience know they were present at some kind of performance involving music, although no-one could correctly guess which note would be the first played when they did a song. They needn't have worried, it was an F. Tearing through a blistering set taken from the forthcoming LP "Wet Hairnet", taking in the already classic 'I Don't Know You, But I Could Accurately Guess your Shoe Size' single, Gout won over the mainly foetal crowd with the searing harpsichord drama that has become uniquely their own.
Headliners TENSE PUMA have also garnered much attention of late, more for their singer's nine-foot wingspan than their subtle flute tinged punk folk. Opener 'Read The Papers, Zorro' led seamlessly into the nine-minute triangle based ballad 'If You Can't See Me From There, I Recommend Opening Your Eyelids (This Often Helps Matters)'. Disaster struck mid-set, however, when bassist Wazz Pomphrey coughed up a hairball twice the size of his face and collapsed with fright. Perhaps the live Puma experience is best enjoyed through beer goggles, or at least a gin helmet.
SPIT FARM, HEN MASK, I'M THIRSTY - Swindon Bob-A-Job - 02/01/2000
SPIT FARM, a kind of cross between Pavement and a wet gun, are Swindon boys, and recieve a healthy reception. On reflection this is entirely undeserved, Their singer makes no effort to carry a tune, preferring instead to hum everything while looking for a Polo mint in his jacket pocket. The rhythm section slops around in the background, bass player doing scissor-kicks inbetween songs and sobbing uncontrollably during, and a drummer attempting to play his kit with a cello bow. Provincial arse, best left unspanked.
Things look up when HEN MASK take over. Camberwell's lo-fi heroes have impressed with the recent 'Where Are My Keys? You've Eaten Them Haven't You?' EP, but dissappoint live. The verve and swagger that colour such tracks as 'Pisswendy' on vinyl, are lost due to the muddy venue PA and the family of coypus living in the guitarists amps. A letdown
The real shocker, however, is the non appearance of I'M THIRSTY. Singer Dave Truman has apparently issued a statement to the effect that by playing gigs and making records and being in a band he is selling out, and has resolved to retain his artistic integrity by sleeping in an old tea chest full of snakes instead. So the rest of the band are left to bang on the tea chest with cricket bats so as to wake him up.