In these modern times, the consumer has more choice than ever of what stuff they want to waste their poppy on. The consumer of the 1950's would have to swim across

the Atlantic to buy something as simple as bread or squeezy mustard. Now, items such as tallow or buttermilk aredelivered direct to your home by helicopter. But

WATCH OUT! Spivs andne'er-do-wells still stalk the corridors of commerce, attempting to offload their shoddy wares on the unsuspecting housewife. DUDWATCH is here to

advise what not to buy, and how to assert your few rights as a consumer...

SOCK PERIL

AVON and Somerset Police are currently trying to trace the whereabouts of a job lot of defective socks,

currently being sold by stall holders in Wells Market. The socks, according to Trading Standards Officers,

shrink around the wearer's foot on contact with skin, thus horrifically crippling them. If you see any socks

near Wells or the Street/Glastonbury area, please contact HTV West headquarters and

ask them if they want a fight.

VIOLIN TERROR

A consignment of violins, imported from Egypt, has been seized by HM Customs officers at Dover.

Officers explained, at a recent press conference, that the violins were imponded on supsicion that they

are made out of people's nans. "This is just the tip of the iceberg," according to Chief Inspector Roberts,

"Millions of these items have flooded the UK market already. We will adopt a zero-tolerance policy on all

imported Egyptian musical instruments, with the exception of the dog-flute, which I'm rather fond of, truth

be told..."

The Violins are said to be offered for sale at roadside cafes and 'Truck Stops" in and around the

Peak District. If you are offered one please call the local constabulary.

HANDBAG ALERT

Word reaches DUDWATCH HQ of a batch of shonky handbags currently being sold by a Lancaster

firm called Love Magic Ltd. Police advise that these handbags are way too sexy, and might get you thinkin'

about makin' lurve to a lady. On closer inspection, the handbag is said to contain fragments of Tony Curtis'

dandruff, a reknowned and illegal aphrodisiac responsible for the forthcoming wedding of Michael Douglas

to Catherine Zeta Jones. Police regard any substance this mind-warping to be a danger to public health, and

seek to impound all handbags on sale and behead any one involved in their production. If you own one of

these items, take it straight to your local police station, where they will be put in a big bowl and fed to

Sexy Tim, the biggest police dog in the world.

THIS MONTH'S ALLERGIES

Substances we will be allergic to in March/April 2000 include:

Do you have a consumer issue you wish to air? If so, send it here.