The actor Johnny Depp, star of Tim Burton's 'Sleepy Hollow', has allegedly gone in for some bizzare plastic surgery. Depp has reportedly paid a surgeon to tuck both buttocks in such a way as to give the impression of having a seperate arse on each buttock. He is rumoured to have remarked to friends that he's wanted this done since childhood. "Everyone will think I've just the one butt", he is alleged to have told US chat show host Jay Leno, " but I'll know that I've got three."
Rumours of romance between Matt Damon and his right hand were this week given further credence when the pair were seen out together at a charity Buckaroo contest in Los Angeles. In interviews Damon has insisted the relationship was strictly platonic, but according to witnesses they were inseperable all evening, and left together in a taxi.
Soul singing sensation Michael Bolton eats brass and wears a dog costume in an attempt to be treated by a vet rather than visit a normal human physician. Bolton has booked himself in to be spayed in April 2000.
Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher are to be immortalised in frozen seals milk, when a new sculpture is unveiled at a gala ceremony in Manchester, England. The statue, entitled 'The Persistance Of Lumbago', depicts the bad boy rockers wearing fixed grins and giving the 'thumbs-up' to a child's drum kit. It was commissioned by Manchester City Council to reflect their hopes and wishes for the new millenium.
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld reportedly caused a furore at a swanky New York restaurant when his knife and fork were laid out at a 'frightening' angle. Seinfeld, a known sufferer of Perpendicular Cutlery Display Disorder, was said to have dropped to the floor in a foetal position and screamed for his mother at the sight of a perfect right-angle formed by a soup spoon and a dessert spoon. Seinfeld's aide commented "He's fine with an 89 degree or 91 degree angle, but never 90 degrees. That's when the demons arrive." A waiter, hitherto unaware of the mirthmaker's crippling psychological ailment, quickly corrected the arrangement, and offered to put the whole meal on the house as compensation. Seinfeld reportedly ate the meal calmly, but was suspiciously quiet when leaving, looking haunted and apprehensive.
Thank you for the many letters you have sent me since my last column. I don't actually believe that any of the people who wrote to me exist, i doubt that the letters you wrote me exist, since reality is a myth, and I am alone with the collection of hallucinations that constitute my perception of a world that probably doesn't exist. The wheel of cheddar I recieved was most appreciated.
Of course, the big Hollywood stories of the past couple of months have concerned the forthcoming marriage of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones. But what most of the papers failed to pick up on is the immense size difference between the two. Douglas, born normal height, has swelled to an enormous 23' 6", after corrective surgery on a genital ulcer backfired. Catherine has refused to acknowledge the problem, choosing to look at her pelican-jawed fiancee through a backwards telescope and remark at what a normal sized man she is with.
Matt Damon was spotted throwing a tizzy in an LA stationery shop when the string he ordered wasn't sexy enough. His face in an horrific mewling grimace, he was said to stamp his feet and bawl like a spolied child, demanding sexier string "or I'll go right here in the store, all over the floor!"
Ex Monty Python star John Cleese has reportedly gone on the game. The lanky funnyman, famous for his "I Am Doing A Funny Walk" sketch, and his catchphrase "This is a parrot, look, he has died!", can be seen touting himself around the King's Cross area of London, and is said to specialise in 'O' and 'A' level, correction and jibbing.
Writer Will Self has collaborated with the ghost of Bruce Lee on the Hackney Empire's Christmas 2000 pantomime, an adaptation of the Marquis de Sade's 'The 120 Days of Sodom'. The project, directed by some tramps with sticks, is said to feature at least seven words that no-one understands, and that are suspected to have been included solely to make Self look really clever. Lee's ghost is on board to play drums.
American illusionist David Copperfield is suing the corpse of Charles Dickens for stealing his name. Copperfield, famous for making the word 'slinky'disappear from the English language, then reappear as a Russian adjective, is demanding $45 million of the Victorian author. "That asshole obviously had a time machine, and he went into the future and he saw me, and thought 'Now he's a grade-A guy, I'll use his name', goddamn Limey scumwipe!". Copperfield has a long history litigation, and recently tried to sue a wand manufacturer for not packing enough magic in them, leading to the breakdown of his relationship with pig-faced supermodel Claudia Schiffer.
Finally, Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder is in pursuit of a ninety-foot sex bat AND MUST BE THWARTED!
then sell the dung to MARY WHITEHOUSE to keep the old prune happy...