Star Wars Merchandise You Might Mave Missed
Without a doubt, 1999 proved to be an excellent year for the Star Wars collector, what with the phenomenal success of Episode 1, and the continuing additions to the range of toys and merchandise from both the new and old trilogies. But even the most ardent collector can't find out about everything that comes out. Even if, like me, you camped outside Toys'R'Us for THREE WEEKS in the vain hope of a glimpse at a double-ended lightsabre, which was then put in the shop window with a big sign reading 'DISPLAY ONLY - NOT FOR SALE', only to be handed out to some snivelling little ten-year-old pizzle to "have a go on" and then break!!!
So here is a brief list of the items you might have missed in the shops or were being handled by a child at the time...
DARTH MAUL COWARDLY ROBBER KIT
Includes authentic Darth Maul costume and mask, a hefty looking double-ended lightsabre that looks like you mean business and a range of notes to hand to bank tellers in authentic Sith Lord handwriting on authentic Sith Lord headed paper bearing the following demands:
' I, Darth Maul, demand the sum of (fill in sum and currency)from this bank/store/building society/school Xmas fund (delete where applicable), or I shall use my dark Sith powers on you and your staff. Rest assured that I am Darth Maul, and not just someone dressed up as Darth Maul...'
'I, Darth Maul, for I am Darth Maul, I really am, demand that this plane/taxi/school bus (delete where applicable) be diverted from its current course and head instead for (fill in hijacking destination), lest I get pre-Cambrian on your asses, which I can, being the actual, 100% genuine Darth Maul, and not some titty face in a costume...'
'I, Darth Maul, yes, that Darth Maul, the hard bastard from Episode 1, demand entrance into this church, and the right to wave this samurai sword at the congregation, screaming obscenities in the nude, for this is the sort of thing that Sith Lords such as myself, which I am, I bloody well am, do when not fighting the Jedi.'
Also useful for frightening children in Toys'R'Us.
TALKING WICKER JAR-JAR BINKS EFFIGY
A four - feet high wooden effigy of everyone's favourite Gungan twat. Just dry enough to burn, with enough room to place an errant, toy breaking, collection wrecking, hope shattering, life destroying child inside.
Three authentic Jar-Jar Binks phrases include:
"Meesa Jar -Jar Binks!"
"How Wude! Jar -Jar on fire!"
"The child must PAY!!!"
Great fun for barbeques, barmitzvahs or display outside Toys'R'Us.
BOBA FETT 'SLAVE-1' INNER SHED
Authentic replica of the shed inside Boba Fett's Slave-1 spacecraft, as used to transport the carbon-frozen Han Solo to Jabba The Hutt. Includes exact copies of the plants Fett tends to in his spare time, authentic Manadlorian 'adult' literature, and a little cubby-hole you can hide from the police in... (possibly too much information, there).
Well that's all for now. To close, a few words on preserving your collection of Star Wars items, doubtless alphabetised, and on prominent display in your apartment. They are NOT toys. They are precious religious artifacts. DO NOT let meddling, stupid, cack-fisted, IDIOT CHILDREN ANYWHERE NEAR THEM, LEST THEY PAY!!!! LEST THEY PAY IN A BURNT OFFERING TO LORD LUCAS (Peace be upon his beard)!!!!
That's all for now,
Keep Collectin',
Carl Potter
About the author: Since filing this article with The Mandrill, Carl has disappeared following a mysterious fire near his South London home. Locals report a strange, black cloaked loner haunting the area.