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Twins
Copyright 2012 Christina M. Guerrero
They told me I might have twins.
For about a month they were convinced of this.
And then ... suddenly ... there was only one baby.
I remember thinking, “How weird. And how sad. I wonder what happened.”
But nothing else. I was busy. I had a new job, a new place to live, a baby on the way and lots of other stuff that needed attention.
Nine months later, I had to pick a name for my baby. For some reason, even though I had promised myself if I ever gave birth to a girl I would name her Hayley (after English actress Hayley Mills), I could not. The name wasn’t there ... as if it had vanished. I chose a different name that fits my daughter well.
Back at home one night, I noticed something odd that I can’t exactly describe because it’s ... well ... kind of gross. I told my doctor, who listened, but I can’t remember the advice he gave me.
Then I got busier and didn’t think about almost having twins for a long time.
Not until early 2011, when I was doing research about twins for a short story and a novel.
During the research I discovered something called “Vanishing Twin Syndrome.” Twins form in the womb, but for various reasons one will thrive and the other will vanish. Sometimes there is evidence in the form of dead tissue, which usually emerges during birth.
I read with fascination ... and then sorrow.
I felt sad because I remembered the doctors being excited about the possibility of twins. I remembered finding what I believe was evidence that there was a twin. And I remembered finding it impossible to name my daughter Hayley.
It’s kind of silly, and an odd fantasy, but I think that if there really were twins at some point, and if one had vanished, it was a girl whom I would have named Hayley, and that she had probably visited me for a short time, and then left, and that was why the name seemed to be unavailable.
Some grief finally came, so many years later.
I watched twins with interest after all of this, smiling, wondering what it would have been like to have two babies; watching them growing up; going to school together; and everything after that.
I told my daughter, and she found this enchanting, and we still talk about Hayley a lot. We joke about whether she would have been a girly-girl or a tomboy. We joke about whether my suspicions are correct and if they are, someday arriving in Heaven, and seeing a strange girl running toward us, calling our names, and the two of us saying, “Who is that?” and the girl saying, “It’s me, Hayley.”
It will be a wonderful reunion.
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