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Slander
Copyright 2014 Christina M. Guerrero
DEDICATION
This is for Carter and Martin.
STORY BEHIND THE STORY
I have not encountered slander often in this life,
but it has been often enough
that it’s time for a combination impact article/letter.
Although this focuses on professional slander,
it also applies to the other situations.
Also: this is about happily sharing my reality with others
who want to happily and joyfully share it with me.
ABOUT THE DRAFTS
Draft Number Four:
Ready for an editor.
DISCLAIMER
I am not a lawyer.
This is my experience and my opinion.
When I discovered that my professional reputation was being slandered ... I was confused.
What I had shared with others about my professional life -- which had been dumbed way TF down so it was simple and easy to understand -- and what I heard being said about me ... were two different things. This was confusing. I had a reasonable expectation to hear what I had shared with others, not something different.
First of all, more than one mouth said the same slanderous things. Secondly, each mouth that repeated the offensive things, referenced those original offensive words as “evidence” that I was supposed to be 1. receiving derogatory and rude text messages, 2. “accepting” and “tolerating” anger, assault, battery, hatred, hostility and rejection when I was approached in person, and 3. receiving rude and loud judgements and threats during phone conversations. Really? I’m going to be brutalized for wanting to be spoken about in a kind, pleasant manner? In the United States of America? Well. Prostitution is legal in only a few states, the Emancipation Proclamation was passed in the 1800s, and assault and battery is illegal. The constitution says no to all threats.
Thirdly, when I asked what had happened to merit the ugliness, the offensive words were repeated, verbatim by each mouth, as the “reasons” why 1. my peace was being disturbed; 2. why I was being harassed; and 3. why I would “continue” to be harassed even though I had made it clear I did not want to be.
The slander was so wrong and so devoid of truth, and so thoroughly clownish and curious and disturbing, in addition to being so offensive. And it was not anything new: I already knew that my fellows could turn on me on a dime and run away ... in a different direction ... for any reason or no reason at all ... at any time. Been there ... done that.
Now, as a brief aside: There have been times when I have discovered the truth being spoken about me -- whether positive or negative -- and I am usually okay with confirming the truth as long as it does not involve compromising my (or others’) safety or security or legal rights. Also: are there people and cultures and societies and entire countries that rejoice in slander? Yes. Does that mean it is okay to slander? That depends. If all parties involved enjoy that kind of thing ... great, and go to it. For me: No. I’m not into that kind of thing. Find someone else to play with.
After explaining that I did not want these things being said about me, because those things made me feel bad and look bad, I waited to hear the following: “This is not about you at all. At all. These things are not true and never should have been communicated at all, in any way, shape or form. What can be done to make you feel better, and assure you that this will NEVER happen again?”
I waited to hear those words. But I did not hear them.
Chances were offered to turn this around. I offered chances for time to be turned back to before the slander began. That would have been possible by, again, words like these: “What happened, had nothing to do with you. Nothing at all. What can be done to assure you that this will never happen again? And what can be done to compensate you for your pain and suffering?”
That did not happen.
So the truth needed to be restored and maintained.
Here are some of the truths of life that should have been acknowledged by 1. the absence of the slander, 2. maintaining the peace and enjoying life, and 3. others not even bothering to speak about or refer to things that were no one’s business except my own.
People age 18 and over are adults and are free to do as they please. Naturally, in some cases, there may be undesirable consequences related to doing WHATever you want WHENever you want, but adults are still free to do as they please. I had a right to do any old thing I wished. Anything. In the United States, I have a constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and to enjoy living a happy and peaceful life without the threat (or reality) of being cruelly and unusually punished. If I care to go about my life in a peaceful manner, I have a reasonable expectation of being treated in a peaceful manner. And I have a reasonable expectation to ask for, and receive, an explanation and justice and compensation when I am being treated in a cruel and unusual manner.
I had (and have) a right to work where I wanted, when I wanted, whenever I wanted, without being asked any questions about those activities. Every job I have ever had, has included a stipulation about confidentiality. To have heard unsolicited words about my professional activities -- from NO ONE DIRECTLY INVOLVED in those activities -- was confusing, because ... those activities are between me and my clients, or me and my employers. Not between me and anyone else. And I do not have to talk about any of it. Ever.
My activities were not affecting anyone’s ability to go about their day. My activities were not affecting anyone else’s freedom. My activities were not affecting anyone else’s choices, or their constitutional rights.
This is how human beings communicate: When I tell others how my day is going, or what I am doing, or how I am feeling, or what I think ... whether past, present, or future ... we build our world upon MY words. I ... tell ... YOU ... what is going on in my life. I ... tell ... YOU. And vice versa: you tell me about your life. And we build ... and we build ... and we BUILD upon MY words when we are talking about me, and we create a legacy of loyalty. YOU ... DO NOT ... DETERMINE FOR ME what I am thinking or feeling or doing. I TELL YOU those things. And you share with me about your life. When I tell you what I am thinking and feeling and doing, and you refuse to build upon MY words, we are not having a healthy relationship. That would be many things, but it is NOT a healthy relationship.
Now, there are times when casual phrases are part of what I call “The You’re/You’re Not Game” in a healthy, well-adjusted relationship ... and imagine this ... it doesn’t have to be a game! It can be kind and pleasant! For example: “You haven’t given that option much consideration” or more kindly phrased, “I think you haven’t given that option much consideration. When remembering something: “You were so pleased that day.” An opinion that isn’t vulgar or violent (unless of course both parties agree to be unpleasant): “You’re so silly!” or “You’re fun to be around.” A reminder: “You’re going to be busy Monday.” (which sounds a bit short, and might be more lovingly phrased “You said you would busy Monday.”). We need to remember the difference between 1. lovingly REFERRING to what someone has shared about what they are doing, feeling, and thinking, and 2. rudely/violently/loudly DETERMINING for someone else what their actions, feelings and thoughts are, and then “threatening” or “punishing” them for not going along with what is NOT their reality.
I was not interested in being randomly, or selectively, or in any way at all, confronted about my reliability and trustworthiness. Once trust is established, there are few instances where it needs to be challenged in a healthy relationship that is based upon love and acceptance and tolerance and joy. Repeatedly and loudly and rudely doubting another’s trustworthiness is not life-affirming, or joyful, or part of a healthy and happy relationship of any kind. You either trust someone or you don’t, and anything in between is a childish game. Is there anyone out there who likes this kind of thing? Maybe. They can do that to each other. Not to me. If we go through the long difficult task of establishing trust, and suddenly you’re randomly challenging my trustworthiness with violent words and actions, then we don’t have a connection. That’s a nasty, ugly, different kind of thing altogether, that I’m not interested in.
It’s a small world. My resumes were all over the place. What if a client or potential client, or a boss, or a hiring manager, or a former co-worker heard what I heard? Of course, anyone with a negative opinion of me might have been delighted. But to those who have positive things to say about me? They might have wondered what was going on, and why these things were being said about me, and might have changed their opinion of me. I might have missed out on opportunities. I don’t know, and may never know.
I was saddened at the dichotomy between my confidence and joy and satisfaction in my professional endeavors ... versus the words I heard. When I considered the vast difference between what I was experiencing and what others were saying about me, I wondered what it must be like to hear: “Hey! It’s so great to be spending time together! I can see you are happy and joyful in your life and are not comfortable talking about professional matters, so let’s talk about something else,” or “I heard someone saying weird things about you, and told them not to say those things, because I know you’re not like that,” or “So-and-so said something vulgar about you and I told them to stop and to apologize to me and I told them to apologize to you, too. Did they?” What is that like? I wonder. I may never know.
Professionally: I was moving along the path I wanted to be on, and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I was doing this silently because I was not ready to share. And had the right not to share anything at all: not then, now now, not ever. No one else had, or has, the right to determine whether or not I want to talk about these things. Only I do.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: What I had stupidly and trustingly shared with others -- which had been dumbed wayyyyyyy down so it was simple and easy to understand -- and what I heard being said about me ... were two different things. This was confusing, and I had a reasonable expectation to hear exactly what I had shared with others, not something different.
There came a day of the ‘perception’ issue: that “others’ perceptions define your reality.” No. My reality is my reality. Your perceptions are your perceptions. Two different things. You can go to a room by yourself, or with others who share your perceptions, and go to town with your perceptions, on your own or with others, but not with me. Either we can interact in a calm, peaceful manner about my reality exactly the way I share it with you, or you can go away. Pick one.
I never gave anyone my permission or my consent or my approval to find me, disturb my peace, and harass me about things I had NEVER EVER said ... versus what I had ACTUALLY said with my own mouth using my own words. I had not consented. Did I actually say anything that made this crystal clear? YES. Could I have made it more clear? NO. I made it clear the first time, and that should have been enough. NO MEANS NO. That is what it means. Nothing else needed to be said. There was unwanted, unsolicited, and unnecessary contact, and I needed it to stop, preferably before it began.
When I heard others were determining what I was doing, feeling and thinking ... which did not match up with what I was doing, feeling and thinking ... that was weird. And when others would reference their own determinations, and admit that they were viewing me in a negative light because of their own determinations -- instead of referencing and celebrating and being joyful with what I was actually doing and feeling and thinking -- it became slander.
It was not, and still is not, and never will be, the best economic or professional climate to be slandering anyone.
At any time, there are people who are doing exactly what they want to do professionally, or who are perhaps in a job they feel is not the best fit but are doing their best until they can find a better fit somewhere else, or who are out of work, or who are underemployed, or who are transitioning into a new career.
Slandering any of these groups is not supportive or kind or loyal, and could cause a loss of future wages, professional status, and valuable on-the-job experience.
There are those who would like to think that SOME of the unemployed or under-employed, or similar groups, are refusing to do anything at all. This is prejudice and intolerance. Haven't we gotten past that kind of thing, yet? Will we ever? There may or may not be such things happening. If they are, the actions of SOME of these groups do not describe ALL of these groups. Sounds like every example of discrimination this planet has ever experienced. Put a filter on your minds and your mouths. It’s not about being perfect or without fault. It’s about being cruel to those who welcome it, and being kind to, or leaving alone, those who don’t welcome it. Learn the difference.
After making these truths clear, I also made it clear that the rumors/slander/words were unsolicited. I had never asked anyone what they thought about my professional activities, so the unsolicited rumors and words and slander were unsolicited, unwanted, a nuisance, and harmful to me and my household and my future.
I am still confused about why those things were said to me by so many mouths. And about why I was mocked by one of the mouths about how much the slander was bothering me. It went way beyond bothering me. My rights were compromised, and I was confused and unhappy. No one I know wants to be happy and thriving and looking forward to more happiness ... and 1. suddenly TOLD they are not (this is weird thinking and crazy making and gas-lighting), 2. or viewed in an unprofessional manner, 3. or to receive nasty dirty text messages including foul language specifically targeting them, 4. or to be called “sh*t” in public, 5. or to be threatened with violence if “you don’t stop refusing to take this.” Does it makes sense that I don’t, either? And consider number five (5) above. Why am I being threatened with violence? All I did was express happiness and fulfillment in my professional endeavors. What a sad story this is.
Just in case the point of this article is still not clear: If you spread false allegations or information, or if you reveal you are assuming things without getting the facts (one perpetrator fully admitted this), or if you admit to agreeing with another’s allegations but not validating the facts (another perpetrator admitted this), what do you hope to accomplish and bring about? Warmth and good cheer and happy relationships? Probably not. More like disapproval, disappointment and rejection.
I remember feeling confused and disturbed throughout this situation, and wondering why I was always the only one celebrating the joy I was feeling in my professional life. When I think about that time in my life, I still wonder why.
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