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Book Review:
Vous n'aurez pas ma haine
by Antoine Leiris
Copyright 2016 Christina M. Guerrero
DEDICATION
This is for My Love who died too soon,
and this is also for all who have lost the loves of their lives.
STORY BEHIND THE STORY
I was making dinner one evening in May 2016 when I suddenly thought,
"What happened to the French gentleman who wrote that note?"
Shortly thereafter I found out that the note had been turned into a book.
ABOUT THE DRAFTS
Draft Number Three: Mostly pleased with this.
Full disclosure: It was difficult to write an objective review of this book. After twenty attempts at starting this review, each attempt moving further away from what I really wanted to say, I decided to begin with the first words that occurred to me upon finishing the last page of Mr. Leiris’ book, and go from there.
As a parent, as a journalist, and as someone who has lost the love of my life to the inevitable destiny of death, I was eager to read Vous n’aurez pas ma haine by Antoine Leiris, hoping to find words of comfort from this French gentleman who has gone through similar experiences.
I was so eager to read this book that I purchased the French version back in May, upon discovering the book available at the iTunes store on my phone, and I spent the next three hours reading -- in my not so good French -- how Mr. Leiris survived the first twelve days after his wife, Hélène, died at Bataclan Theater in Paris on November 13, 2015, along with 88 other people.
Mr. Leiris begins his story with how he really does not like the type of text message that “says nothing.”
And with those few words, I smiled a bit and began to feel comforted. Humans want to connect with whom they share things in common, even if that means words on a page or on a screen. I think that text messages serve a great purpose, but not all of them are necessary. Mr. Leiris had my attention, and I continued, now more than eager to see if he would at least validate things that I have felt and experienced since my own loss a few years ago.
And he did. In his book, he describes how he is deeply concerned about his son, Melvil, and making sure his little boy’s life continues to have meaning and structure and beauty. Mr. Leiris is also mindful of maintaining his son's schedule. He is also thinking about the sad and inevitable conversation that must occur. In an interview with CNN’s Hala Gorani he said, “We do not pretend we are not sad ... devastated ... we are.” My thoughts exactly. We must work through our grief, not avoid it. And I believe that as parents, we must take care of our children and make sure they understand they are loved and cherished, even when we are heartbroken.
As he adjusts to the demanding schedule of being a single father, Mr. Leiris describes the search for his wife, and then finally being allowed to view her. He is permitted time alone with Hélène. He describes her beauty, even in death, reflecting on the first time they met. For anyone mourning a loved one, these are painful words to read. I felt as if I were intruding upon this moment, yet also felt the kinship of a shared experience.
There arrives the conversation Mr. Leiris must have with his son. Little Melvil, only seventeen months old, understands, and cries “as he never has before.” Mr. Leiris comforts his son as any good Papa would do: hugs his child and cries with him, keeps him on a schedule, makes sure he gets to school, bathes him, gets him to bed on time ... and indulges the child when food is not to his liking. Even to those who know only basic French, the anecdotes about the mashed-food soup will be amusing.
Melvil is a source of inspiration and energy and comfort to Mr. Leiris in the days ahead and the work that must be done. There are clothes to pick for Hélène; Mr. Leiris not only looks through them, but also reflects upon her makeup and perfume and her other belongings that are still a part of his life. As he chooses, he describes their meeting at a concert, and how he felt unworthy of her because she was too many things, including “too Parisian.”
And then, there it was. I thought I was the only one. He wants to slip into the coffin with Hélène and be with her for eternity. I had expressed similar thoughts about my own loss to a friend -- wanting to break into into my beloved’s casket and sleep with his bones -- and encountered only silence. Here was a similar view of a deceased loved one; I did not feel quite so odd about my own longings..
Mr. Leiris alternates the subject of his chapters between life with Melvil, and the tasks that go with the death of a loved one, using few yet poetic words to describe this period in their lives. As a journalist he understands the importance of brevity; as a writer he understands the importance of description.
As many know, even though the loves of our lives are gone, we still have responsibilities. Mr. Leiris describes holding back sobs, and how his son knows the grief that is there, without needing an explanation. There are meals to make, and nap times, and meeting with family and officials and friends and not having words to speak. There are times alone in the dark with memories. There are good souls who want to help. And yet again, he arrived where I had been: he writes about his choices: choosing not to go on, choosing to go on; choosing to take up smoking and drinking; not indulging at all; choosing to date and choosing not to date at all, and so many other choices. I nodded while reading this, remembering that phase of my loss.
There are other things he wrote about that I read in wonder, but those will be for you to read and perhaps find comforting.
In conclusion I believe this short book may someday be a classic, to be referred to by those who are grieving in general, those who have lost a love, those who have lost a parent at a young age, those who have lost a wife.
In describing his loss and how he is handling it, Mr. Leiris says the people who know him would not describe him as a “Super-Papa,” just a “Simple-Papa.”
But it takes someone Super to stand up and say: This is me, and this is my son, and this is what has happened, after the death of our Hélène.
Sources:
CNN Youtube video. “Husband of attack victim: I will not succumb to hate,” November 19, 2015. Interview with Hala Gorani and Antoine Leiris. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jB7f7iaxz2U
Leiris, Antoine. Vous n’aurez pas ma haine. Librarie Arthème Fayard, 2016.
Leiris, Antoine. You will not have my hate. Penguin Press, 2016.
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