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FOR CALEB: GETTING MARRIED
Copyright 2018 Christina M. Guerrero
DEDICATION
For Caleb.
STORY BEHIND THE STORY
Us.
ABOUT THE DRAFTS
Draft Three: Nothing, yet.
Even in the best of circumstances, getting to know someone and experiencing that growing into fondness, and then into the once or twice or three-times-in-a-lifetime opportunity of possibly having met a soulmate, can be extremely stressful. It is a life-changing experience that affects the mind, body and soul, not to mention almost every other aspect of being human.
I realized this was the situation with Caleb within a few months of meeting him. At that point I decided to think carefully about how best to proceed.
As we continued to spend time together, I reflected upon everything we discussed, how I felt, and how he appeared to feel.
Within a few months, he began to say things I was thinking and feeling (but I was not sharing with him or with anyone else): hints about spending more time together, perhaps exclusively. There were also times when he sounded like he was interested in getting married ... several weeks after I had the same thoughts and feelings.
We needed to discuss this. That would be important. Since we had known each other for only a few months, I began preparing for potential endings to a definitive chat about the situation: 1. If he decided for whatever reason he was no longer interested (up to and including the possibility he was only flirting), 2. If I decided for whatever reason I was no longer interested, 3. If we decided we wanted to date and discuss other developments at another time, 4. If we decided marriage was most definitely the next step, and as soon as possible 5. If we decided marriage was most definitely in the future, after a brief courtship, 6. If we decided marriage was most definitely in the future, after a long courtship, and 7. If we decided we wanted to be a couple, defined by our own terms.
While I was figuring out what to do next, I lost him.
Sometimes I wonder: how did we get from those sweet conversations to me, by myself, writing about him? Reluctantly, memory fills in the gaps between these two eras of my life.
If there were no gap, and if we had continued to enjoy each others’ company, and if we had discussed how we felt about each other ... and had we decided it was not going to work ... well, that happens, and we would have moved on. We had both been on both sides of that situation before.
But I believe that we would have been in agreement about the next step, and that we would have been delighted to call ourselves a couple, and that we would have discussed marriage.
While going through this wonderful experience, I had asked myself many questions about what I expected from a marriage, a husband, a life together, and what the rest of my life might be like, if I were married.
I can not fully speak for him, but I believe he must have done the same at some point. He had started asking me questions in rather subtle yet sweet ways. I believe he was actually quite clear about his intentions, several times; and I wish I had said something definitive during one of those times.
Back then, we were flirting and giving each other hints that brought blushes to our faces. We were taking our time.
We were two grown adults, well past the age of majority, enjoying the possibility of love, of marriage, of bringing together the separate narrative of our lives into one.
We were taking our time, because we had been raised by Victorians who had rubbed off on us: who had taught us to enjoy the moments as they came, who inspired us to enjoy the social graces of friendship, who reminded us to enjoy the chase of potential romance, who showed us how to enjoy life in a measured and peaceful way.
We were on the verge of those conversations about being a couple.
And now he is gone.
R.I.P.
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