christinamguerrero.com ~ the official site ~
FOR CALEB: RE-RAISING OUR CHILDREN
Copyright 2018 Christina M. Guerrero
DEDICATION
This is for my children
STORY BEHIND THE STORY
Being a parent
ABOUT THE DRAFTS
Draft One: First draft: This is a true first draft,
with all the accompanying typos, inconsistencies, etc.
First of all: There might have been ten of us.
There are not.
But because there might have been, I will usually refer to my little family by “we,” “our,” “ours,” “they,” and other plural pronouns.
So ... there came a time when we had to re-raise our children.
Why?
Because they were not thriving.
The children were robotic, and going about their lives in listless ways. They were not completely happy. They were picking up on things that were harmful to them: that they were to be treated like objects, not like fully formed human beings with emotions, thoughts, social needs, spiritual needs, and recreational needs. They spoke about these things in a roundabout, evasive way that made us angry.
That made us angry and they were not thriving, so we got them back on a loving, healthy schedule that was designed to help them thrive if they wanted to, and to provide comfort and support if they did not.
We reminded them of many things, including the following:
We reminded them that it’s okay to confide in us, yet they also have a choice not to confide.
We reminded them that they are loved, and are always put first in the parent-child relationship. Always.
We reminded them that they are not expected to parent us. Additionally, we explained that we parent ourselves, or we find professional counselors or age-appropriate peers or other adults to help us with our needs.
We reminded them that no matter what we are going through -- up to and including dying or dead, failure or success, bad days or good days, feeling uncomfortable or fine -- that they have the right to be treated with respect and love and consideration at ALL times, not when we “feel” like doing so.
We reminded them that we always think highly of them, and that anyone who does not -- without a valid excuse -- needs to be considered with wariness and doubt.
We reminded them that anyone who focuses too much on one aspect of their life or person, should be considered with wariness and doubt, and that healthy people see other people as full and complete human beings, not as a single idea or object.
We reminded them that nobody needs to know everything about them. Nobody. Not even us. And that they are allowed to have privacy. Especially in the bathroom, in the bedroom, and with their thoughts and emotions.
We reminded them that no matter how much trouble they could possibly get into, that we are here for them, even if only as active listeners. Additionally, that some types of trouble must be gone through alone, but that if such things should ever happen, we would do our best to be nearby to at least be good active listeners.
We reminded them that they are not here to impress us. We reminded them that the mere fact that they exist is all they need to do to impress us.
We reminded them the same thing about our love: that the mere fact that they exist merits our love for them. They don’t have to do anything for us to love them: they don’t have to do us favors once or a million times, or earn a certain amount of money, or own property, or have a fancy car, or have a certain type of job. We reminded them that we loved them before they were born, and that we took care of them while they were forming, and that our love is always there for them, and that they don’t have to fight for it, or beg for it, or remind us that we love them. We just do.
We reminded them that we don’t love one of them more than the other. They are all our children and we love them equally. And that if they ever feel anything is unfair, to talk to us so we can get to the bottom of whatever is brewing.
We reminded them that we don’t play them against each other, and to let us know if they think we are, so we can figure out what the problem is.
We reminded them that our relationships with them are built upon trust and love, and that if they feel we are ever violating either of those, to let us know, and we will confront them as well, if we have the same concerns.
We reminded them that they have free will, to do what they want when they want, and to mind the consequences of all their actions, which is a responsibility that goes along with free will.
We reminded them that those who take care of them need to be good caregivers, and that if they feel uncomfortable with anyone who is assisting them or caring for them, to speak up or leave or call the police or whatever is applicable. We reminded them we will not stand between them and those whose company they appear to enjoy, but to always remember that if they are out and about with someone else, and feel uncomfortable and want us to come and get them, to let us know, and we will take care of the the situation as soon as possible.
We reminded them about, and demonstrated, the pros and cons of a balanced life with a healthy routine and good food and rewarding fellowship of one’s fellow men and women.
We reminded them about different lifestyles, and to be mindful of all types of people and cultures.
We provided a bit of re-education, with re-schooling.
We told them that they are allowed to do things at their own pace, without fear of being abused in any way: verbal, physical, emotional, social. We told them that they are in charge of their lives, with some guidance if they need it. We told them that they are the primary decision-makers about everything in their life, and that if they are confused, to simply ask for help.
We reminded them that they are allowed to have a healthy, balanced life with plenty of good food, work, exercise, sleep, and fun, if they so choose do any of these things, and that they are allowed to do these things in their own way without fear of punishment or abuse of any kind.
We reminded them that they are allowed to take their time in the bathroom, take their time eating, take their time making decisions, and take their time doing a lot of things. And we reminded them that sometimes quick decisions need to be made, and that it might be stressful, but it is sometimes necessary.
We reminded them that they don’t have to touch us, and vice versa, and that touching is a consensual matter. We reminded them about consent, and about what to say when they feel uncomfortable about this matter, or any matter. We don’t force them to touch us; we don’t beg them to touch us; we don’t make comments about the frequency of touching; we don’t make fun of their willingness or unwillingness to touch us or anybody; we don’t spread stories about these issues; and no one else should be doing those things, either. We reminded them that their bodies are personal and under their own rule, and are not objects to be used. We reminded them that they, and only they, decide what happens to their bodies. We reviewed what healthy touching is, and what it is not.
We reminded them about a lot of things, and we ate good food, and we got some good exercise, and chatted about a lot of things.
And in the end, we reminded them what this is all about: we are their parents, and they are our beloved children.
R.I.P. Caleb. The days are long without you.
And thinking of Hayley, Garance, Christopher, Carter, Martin, and The Others. I love all of you. Love, Mom.
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