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Douchebag of 2005 |
I am glad you have joined me today as we examine who the douche bag of 2005 is. There were a lot of nominees and we will be getting interactive for this journal because I would like to know who you believe should be the douche bag of 2005. Now let me share with you the list of nominees I have here.
TOM CRUISE
Now here is an obvious choice. First of all, here we have a forty something year old man who is kicking it with a girl half his age, who isn’t even all that cute. I mean really Tommy, if you are going to go for someone that young, make sure she is hot. For real. Then of course because he popped the girl’s cherry and made her accept Ron L. Hubbard as her personal savior, he jumps up and down on Oprah’s couch. What a maboose. Then he rips on Brooke Shields about her antidepressant use, and thinks he is a doctor as he explains why he feels anti depressants are bad. Grant it, we are becoming a medicated country, but really Mr. Cruise, isn’t there another movie where you can dance around in your underwear or pretend to go crazy and ask who is going with you? Let me say this, you may have had Katie at hello, but you have the rest of us changing channels and going to other movies because lately, all of yours suck and we all know MI3 will not be much different. Focus on making killer flicks like Magnolia and less on judging people who don’t give a fuck if you live or die and have a nice day dickhead.
TERRELL OWENS
The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback was a bad case of drama if I ever saw one. From his attitude during training camp to his asshole comments that found himself earning a suspension from the team, Owens may be a great wide receiver, but he does have some kind of ego problem. He wants to bitch and moan that the Eagles didn’t do enough to recognize his 100th TD catch or some other meaningless statistic. Dude, you are part of a team and 100 anything isn’t anything worthwhile to celebrate. We could all say we admired TO for making his way into the Superbowl, but this athlete needs to focus more on the team and less on himself. To say, “I think we need Brett Farve rather than Donovan McNabb as a quarterback” is just horrible. No wonder all the people of the city of brotherly love are ready to put this man through a world of hurt.
MARTHA STEWART
Mrs. “oh I am so much better than everyone else because I can paint a fucking wall better than you.” Here we have an ex con who stole money and broke the rules, and then America puts here on pedestal when she gets out why? Because she can fold a damn tablecloth in a way to make women sweat in their panties? When she gets out, she talks about how some fellow prisoner makes her a parka, and she gives out the design. I am sure she wouldn’t give one fucking penny to this person. Then she violates house arrest and gets a slap on the wrist because of who she is, and tries to do her own version of the Apprentice and sucks out loud at it. I think that Martha needs to be anally intruded by Ron Jeremy and catch an STD and we all can be happy that justice was served.
MAJOR LEAUGE BASEBALL AND SOME OF THE STARS THAT APPEARED BEFORE CONGRESS IN MARCH 2005
Just to think that the home run chase between Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa was bullshit because of the fact these two men had a leg up on the competition by taking steroids. Jose Conseco turns everyone in to feed his ego and pocketbook. Rafael Palmiero says he is only taking viagra but no steroids but in the end, we find out he is full of shit. After hitting 500 home runs, he goes down in history as a victim in the governmentally fueled steroid hunt. And the worst part of all this bullshit is the fact the government even had to get involved. We want less federal interference in our life, but because sales went up, Bud Selig looked the other way. When guys like Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield started pounding away, ticket sales were back up. Now once again, many are upset with MLB. Thank God in Chicago we have a kick ass team like the White Sox who win a World Series (lowest rated World Series as far as Nielsen ratings go) and don’t have any steroid abusers on their team.
THE SIMPSONS (NOT THE CARTOON, THEY’RE ALRIGHT)
First let’s start with Ashlee. Mrs. Lip sync herself. Instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she blames everything on her house band. Then she looks like an idiot at the Orange Bowl and gets booed for, well just being her. Now she is going for a new image. She wants to not have her “wanna be Avril like” punk persona, and instead wants to follow in her sister’s footsteps. That would mean acting like you’re stupid and getting bank for it. And damn all the drama surrounding her and Nick Lachey. Who gives a flying fuck? Is there some reason anyone should give a damn about their marriage? Maybe she can play a game of finger cuffs with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Mangera now for a Jackass reunion. Not the show, just Jessica the jackass being fucked by one while blowing the other. Maybe it could become a huge porno like Pamela and Tommy Lee, or that one night in Paris bullshit, and father Joe can ride that all the way to the bank like her dreams of his daughter riding him. After all, as he pointed out in GQ regarding Jess’s tits, “she has double D’s and those suckers keep popping out.” Ahh what a role model and a great Christian as well.
HOWARD STERN
OK we can all agree that Howard helped start the whole shock jock movement. Good for him. We can all agree that he got fucked by the FCC like most other controversial jocks by getting fined twice, and that he has more fines than anyone else. We can all agree that Howard ruled the 90’s with his brand of radio. And you what else we can agree on? Howard is a dinosaur that needs to retire because he is truly not funny anymore and you can say that the man is bringing him down all you want, but what can this man do at Sirius that he hasn’t already been done and is he really worth the hundreds of millions of dollars that Sirius is going to pay him? Oh I know, he can say fuck, shit, God Damn, cocksucker, motherfucker, and other creative swear words. Oh boy. He calls this bullshit move to Sirius a revolution. Please. It is called Howard doesn’t have it in him to fight the good fight and selling out so he can send his kids to college. If Howard Stern was really concerned about his listeners, would he really make them pay to hear him? Radio is free and that is one of the cool things about it. Does radio need some improvements with their content control? Yes it does. Is leaving the answer? I don’t know. If you would ask people like Mancow and Michael Savage, two people who have been blasted on for things on their show, they would say no. In order to create a revolution, you need to stay in the field that you are on. Stern’s idea of a revolution is bullshit and a fallacy. This is like saying that the people of the thirteen original colonies needed to go to England and fight there to win the right to their land and create the Declaration of Independence. The battle against the media manipulation by the government needs to be fought in mainstream media, and until they go after satellite, Mr. Stern’s so called crusade is nothing but an attempt to disguise the fact he sold out. I really truly believe the novelty will wear out soon. Yes people have been predicting the demise of the so-called “king of all media” for years and it hasn’t happened. He likes to brag about that too. Well, my man don’t cash checks your ass can’t cash, oh wait a minute, you are making a shit load of money now. Maybe you can buy the FCC now and straighten them out, but what do you care? You’re on satellite now, right?
Honorable mentions that we won’t even waste time voting on for obvious reasons. Paris Hilton, Scott Stapp, George W Bush, Sean Penn, and anyone else you can think of. I want to hear want you think. Give me some feedback and a vote as well. In the meantime, happy New Year and I look forward to talking to you all in 2006.
MJ
