Dear Darren,

I would first like to add to why a totally scrumptious he-hottie (your words, not mine, I’m not ‘gay’, it is still possible to be flamboyant, stylish, witty and ‘gay’, without being homosexual, I’m not anything other than just plain ODD so I’m told – i.e. a person who doesn’t have shops to shop in and helplines to phone, but who feels as alienated and persecuted as any ‘Gay’) like you is not only still single, but will most likely remain enshrouded in solitude for the remainder of your existence

So without further adieu, the following list explains WHY DARREN IS NOT HOOKED UP AND IS CLEARLY NEVER GOING TO BE AGAIN, what I otherwise like to call - TEN TIPS ON FINDING A BRIDE - a list of the best methods for seducing women.

Establish a career for yourself. This should be your highest priority. A woman likes to see a flash porsche to go with your smile. It shows her you are genuine. It reveals that you are prepared to sacrifice your entire life for the sake of a woman’s well-being.

Learn to be unconscious, like a boy. Women hate consciousness in a man: it immediately implies he is against her. A man who continually removes himself by way of reflection clearly shows that he is capable of independent action and is therefore not to be trusted.

Learn to cultivate a violent disposition. Woman love violent men and mastering them. If you can manage to be aggressive towards everything in the world except the woman you love, you can be sure she will regard you as a good man. If you can then manage to be aggressive towards her as well, she will be yours forever.

When approaching a woman for the first time, don’t worry overly much about your “opening line”. The words you use are far less important than the messages given out by your body language. A woman is not so much interested in a man’s linguistic dexterity as in his ability to promise a rosy future.

Always remember that the first thing a woman looks at in a man is his shoes. She thinks: Is he reliable? Will he be able to pay the bills? Will he be a good father to the kids? Or is he just a self-serving creep? All these questions are assessed and resolved within the first moment of the initial introduction, so if she accepts your offer of a drink, you could well be on the brink of a long and loving relationship.

Learn how to make women laugh. This more than anything could ensure your success in winning them over to your side. The trick is to appear harmless, like a clown.

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. In the matter of seducing girls, persistence always pays off. Always be ready to flatter. Tell her how beautiful she is. Lie if you have to - a woman will always take it as a compliment.

If in doubt, buy her flowers. Flowers are magical pieces of vegetable matter capable of totally overwhelming the female mind and producing in it strong feelings of goodwill to the man who gave them to her. The man may have recently confessed to being a multiple murderer and serial rapist, but in her eyes he is the sweetest man in the world. All of you should take note of this marvel.

Having captured her, the next task is to keep her.

The perfect husband is a chameleon, capable of adapting to the ever-changing moods of his wife. He is, alternately, a provider, protector, stud, little boy, wife-beater and girlfriend - depending on what her needs are at each particular moment. Therefore, you would be well-advised to shed your own personality completely. This is but a small sacrifice and not as painful as you might think.

The reasons above are also go in some way to explaining why I myself “will most likely remain enshrouded in solitude for the remainder of my existence”, other reasons being that I am very gangly and sharp-faced, have excessively long fingers (when are we going to get past this unrelenting focus on narrowly-specified conventional concepts of beauty and the visual cliché that cowardice, cruelty and a servile attitude are indicated by ugly and elongated faces and fingers that are excessive in length – whilst such features are possible signs of various diseases being present in the physical body such as tuberculosis, paralysis, and cardiac problems, generally they also belong to the philosopher and the intuitive person, showing that the subject is painstaking and loves detail… living in a society where wealth and power are admired, film and comic heroes regularly beat up and kill others, and the weak and sick are often despised, is it no wonder children have learned to imitate t hese issues; but I digress…), I no longer have way thick Coke bottle glasses on my nose, oh I forgot, I’m now blind so that makes me asexual (make personal note: remember personal mantra “beauty is in the blindness of the believer”). So, not only do I now miss out on my previous favourite pastime of reading and enjoying super-hero comics (thankyou so much for the comments in your Martian Vision article on ‘Why Childish Is An Insult In Our Society’, the theme of my life, well that along with the ‘blog’ comments on your general performance and demeanour from high school – whoa, timewarp), I also miss out on the sexing with the ladies.

Other reasons may include that woman feels she does not exist if man treats her as a thinking being. But you have to remember, it cannot be said that the movement known as the Women’s Liberation shows any real recognition of the conditions actually necessary for any sort of genuinely intellectual activity. What appears to be the issue is that it is recognised that the position of man has not, in the changing social situation, deteriorated as radically as that of woman, and the solution envisaged appears to be to see that it does. The women concerned appear determined to demonstrate as thoroughly as possible their identification with precisely these psychological attitudes which have always prevented women from ever achieving anything. Women are like sane people in general – you can’t imagine how they can bear to be like it but the last thing they want is to be told how to stop. Woman’s philosophy: I wear see-through, therefore I am.

Ach, now that I’ve gotten that off me sunken chest, let me get back on my knees, face Cydonia, and pay further tribute to John Jones, Martian Master and Visionary, for his intelligent and piquant commentary on Life, the Comics Universe and Everything. After finding one of your articles, it was like crack. I just had to have it. I fed on the words, the more bizarre the better, feeding and excreting. Bizarre, better. More and more all the time. Delirious I became, addicted to wilder and wilder comments on the comic industry. Addicted beyond all hope of redemption now, unable to stop, ready to split and transform just to get MORE.

But seriously, I have also noticed you get unwarranted flack from the fanbase (muchas gracias Kurt). The discourse within your articles proves not only that you are a person who thinks, but also causes others to think. Hence why the unwarranted criticism – if you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you. If you really make them think, they’ll hate you.

Your comments on the Vision’s origin went along similar lines to mine (what with Volton; hadn’t factored in Human Robot, however). One thing I don’t know if you noticed or not, which you may find interesting, was how it was also with the help of the Cotati, not only Immortus, that Vision learns of his origin as the original Human Torch. Why was it so important that the Scarlet Witch meet and fall in love with a synthezoid? We know Immortus made a deal with the Cotati, using his resources to help educate Mantis on the history of the Cotati and the purpose they have for her, in exchange for the Cotati helping him with his plan for the Vision. You might also remember that in the past the Cotati were not entirely nice-and-trustworthy allies of the Avengers (say Fantastic Four #323-325 – as the CM Saga was initiated by Steve, and these issues were also his work, I’d say this was no coincidence). It was this plant-race who arranged for the preparation of three women to be can didates for Celestial Madonnahood, and then made off with the child bred from the successful Madonna. To me, the Cotati are more ruthless than they seem – and that’s saying something for a bunch that reanimate the dead Swordsman to impregnate Mantis (sensitive moment there, guys). What part do the Cotati play in the random destruction of Heather Douglas' family by Thanos which led to her being taken for “training” by the Mind-Priests on Titan? Or in the strange and convoluted tragic history of the Scarlet Witch (more missing children, by the way)?

On with the Vision. I have this further theory that the Vision’s density-changing powers somehow link him with Aarkus’ smoky dimension in the same way that Pym’s particles tie him in to Kosmos, in that he is shunting his mass into the mysterious extradimensional plane which Aarkus the Vision from the 1940’s originated from. If this is the case, however, wouldn’t it also make sense that he should be able to become intangible enough to pass through dimensions? Maybe, Maybe not…any thoughts? I still expect to see the golden age Vision somehow linked to the modern day one, because the coincidences are otherwise too broad. I also think there’s a way to solve this without ret-conning Byrne’s Avengers West Coast revelation where Professor Horton showed up declaring that the Vision was not his work, it was the work of his partner, James Bradley (I know you hate Byrne, as did I hate this run, however, while you may fault me for using his arc, it *did* happen, and I felt I should make it work).

Remember, it is still unknown, even today, as to the reason why Ultron chose to use the name and costume colours of another Golden-Age hero though – the original Aarkus the Vision. Also, although Simon’s own brother, the Grim Reaper was drawn to the conclusion that the Avengers had murdered him, it seems pretty obvious that the world was not too sure what happened to Wonder Man in Avengers #9. Ultron was in possession of one of Hank Pym’s old laboratories at the time. He may have had access to the Avengers files there. The Wonder Man brain patterns could not have just been “lying around”. Further, Hank made a point of recording Simon’s brain patterns as he was dying, and since then there has been no satisfactory explanation given as to what he thought he was going to do with them at the time. It’s a bit of a stretch that he had some intuitive feeling that Simon might still come to life, or that he just collects encephalo-grams the way some of us collect autographs.

Also, whilst many may criticise the Crossing, myself included, I for one loved the fact of the Vision being able to save the young Tony by merging with him, as this seemed to link continuity-wise to back when he used his powers medically, way back in Avengers #140 where he had saved Hank, and awhile before (in #111) when he had merged with Magneto’s Piper to the extent of effectively possessing him.

Must also add that I loved your monograph on Pym. For your interest I have come up with my own particular theory on keeping Pym’s scientific disciplines straight, perhaps going in some way to reconciling Roy Thomas’ addition of artificial robotic intelligence to Hank’s previous background as a biochemist, hypothesising that he was an expert in nanotechnology (an alternative explanation for his ability to, quite in defiance of the laws of conservation of matter, change weight in a matter of minutes, i.e. he has nanobots in his blood and DNA, for nanobots could “build” a small OR large body out of the air and surrounding material within a matter of seconds). How’s that?

Also in relation to your ideas around Hank’s behaviour, I feel it began in Avengers vol 1 #13, where Janet Van Dyne is particularly bright and perky. At the end of that issue she is shot and almost dies. #14 features the Avengers hunting for a cure for her injury, with Hank pretty much on the edge of his sanity. A few issues thereafter Hank and Jan quit the team. Whilst Avengers #14, in which the Wasp lies close to death from a gunshot injury, is used as evidence for Hank’s mental instablility, since Giant-Man is in turns despairing, petulant, and angry, even going so far as to seize up the doctor treating Jan and threaten him, I contend that Jan may have been pregnant at the time of her injury and lost the child as a consequence of the shooting. I speculate that this may have led to Hank’s subsequent mental problems and feelings of inadequacy (still, I would prefer to relate it to a totally normal reaction of a caring man toward the woman he loves being shot). In orde r for this contention to fly, one would first have to go with the assumption that Hank and Jan were having pre-marital sex (not as much of a leap however as Hank being a psycho, I might add). Secondly, I am having trouble convincing myself that the subject has never come up in the couples’ traumas so far. On the other hand, I believe the event fits well with the mysterious creation of Ultron as a surrogate child, and with Immortus’ obsession with removing Avengers’ children. Whilst I think it would be a really great explanation about Ultron and Hank’s mental state, the following problem’s need ironing out: a) Hank would’ve mentioned it in a previous confrontation with Ultron; b) how pregnant Jan was at the time; c) and how Hank could have possibly copied a dead fetus’ brain patterns, and why their child goes insane 3 seconds after it’s “born”, tries to kill its parents, the Avengers and eventually destroy an entire country? The kid would probably have been Stewie from t he “Family Guy”. Oh, I also recall Pym had his first breakdown when Maria Troyova was killed, before he was even Ant-Man. Reflect on this, and let me know what you think.

I found it a wonderful gesture that you have a tribute to your friend Jeff Webb on your site; I’m just sorry I can’t visually appreciate his work. I also lost a friend some eleven years ago to suicide (I was 17). He was also an artist of great talent – I was able to appreciate his talent before my sight blinked out. We used to collaborate on our own home-made super-hero comics here in Australia (when we both lived in Queensland) between the ages of fourteen and fifteen-and-a-half. Anyway, I must make a confession that like Jeff, I too was a fan of Gruenwald’s early Captain America run. Hey, I was only about twelve at the time, and it was a nice change to see a change from Cap illuminating the problems with fascism/conspiracy-type tyranny, and turning that light back upon other political sources, what with Madcap’s nihilism, Flag-Smasher’s anarchism, the Power-Broker’s oligarchic approach, and Super-Patriot’s Machiavellian cult-of-the-hero republicanism/”patriotism”. An d a side-note on Madcap – the guy’s origin and powers are basically the same as Bruce Willis's in Unbreakable – except that Bruce gets a nice explanation for what happens to him, courtesy of “fragileman”, while Madcap has to make do with the idea that there is no reason for his survival...

Also, one redeeming quality about Gruenwald’s Cap run was that he used Dadaism long before Grant Morrison ever did in a comic, which has got to count for something. Madcap was just your basic Dadaist, prancing around in a clown-suit and living off of maxims like “Reality is a junk concept. A mass-produced, mass-marketed product that people use everyday then throw away. To heck with junk! To heck with reality! To heck with heck!”. (he might as well have said “to heck with Original Sin” and “to heck with incompleteness and the subject/object relationship”). Beat that, Grant!

One consolation is that I think just about everything on your list in Countdown to Senility was dead on. Sandman was great, but my sight evaporated before I got the chance to see the whole story through. What’s 1602 like by the way, are you enjoying it? Also in agreement with you over Daredevil’s “Born Again” storyline, great variation on the Oedipus myth. Pity the movie sucked, when are comics and film ever going to get the portrayal of someone blind RIGHT! Marvel should just deed that book over to me. I have the same complaints with this book as I did with Buffy, which you also highlighted brilliantly in your articles on Whedon. Pity the Hyborian Age missed out making the list however.

So wow, I’m disabled. If you asked me what mattered about myself, I’d tell you that I am a bit of a hothead (well okay, more than a bit), technically adept, artistic, love philosophy (particularly ethical issues created by modern biology, disability ideology), love promoting effective social justice and progressive community change in anti-oppressive ways, am crazy about music, love cats, am a compulsive reader, have an independent streak a mile wide, am ambitious, and like to save money. I’d run through a long, long list of qualities that I possess before I ever thought to say that I also have Marfan Syndrome. God, I’m going off on tangents so extended they’re bound to meet the tangents of Martians coming the other way.

Englehart… what can I say, the man is a genius. Thanks for the interesting tidbit about him having a hand in the creation of Ghost Rider. Pity he didn’t write it as well, he could have saved the concept from becoming a constant failure. I heard about a Bucky mini that he was writing. What ever happened, any details about its content? Would loved to have seen him further explore government influence on Cap III and his Bucky (Nomad), and whether this went all the way to the beginning of the super-soldier programme. It would have been interesting to see the super soldier programme revealed as a Nazi project hidden within the US government, coming out of the German-American Bund going on before WWII, much like the Manhattan Project even. Cap’s blond-Aryan look always seemed a bit suspiciously close to Hitler’s dream.

DITTO ON THE MATRIX. Reminds me of Vietnam, and how in order to save the village, we had to burn the village. I mean, in order to save the human race (and if an Agent can enter any human still plugged in and unaware), the Resistance would have to be up against those they’re trying to save. I swear the CIA/military-industrial-media-googolplex writes these scripts: “If you’re not one of us, you’re one of them”. We’re always creating an enemy in order to have an antagonist (Starship Troopers ’97) a perfect example), instead of looking at corporations, the oil companies (those sending us), and what they’re doing to us as individuals and communities, we let them for money. Guess that’s why I loved your articles: Sorcerers, Swamp Things, Sandmen, And Sophie_ The Stream of Consciousness Running Through Four Occult Superhero Comics. Again, I’m just sorry I never got to sit Sandman out, or see Alan’s return to super-hero’s. Still, I did the chance to appreciate the work of the father of occult comics, i.e. Stainless Steve Englehart.

On Wolfman, I loved how you made the connection of Superman causing Crisis as a result of saving the Kents, an idea I skirted some years ago. Apparently, so did Morrison. I guess that’s where Hypertime was going, and the whole idea of the Guardians of the Multiverse. My ultimate idea for Smallville is a vampire wishing to become Lord of Transilvane, setting about to drain Superman’s blood, but forgets that Superman’s powers are solar-powered, so...

I think that making the Eternals part of the Marvel Universe was not fitting. I think it weakened the Eternals concept by sticking it into a context that already had plenty of hidden races and evolutionary oddities, and it hurt the Marvel Universe by imposing a cosmology on it that didn’t fit terribly well. I still think it doesn’t fit all that well, but here’s a possible explanation for how Kang returned from the dead in the Marvel Universe. Remember how Odin vowed to the Celestials a millennium ago that he would restrict Asgardian contact with Earth. Well seeing his son Thor from Asgard in the late 1880’s in battle with Kang (Avengers #143), culminating with Thor killing Kang, would have concerned Odin since he had banned interference from any Asgardian on Midgard as a result of the above vow. In fear of what the Celestials would do should he break that vow, he either snatched Kang away at the last moment and used his power to fool Thor into believing Kang dead, or he altered time, but in fact caused several alternate worlds to form, creating the seed of all the alternate worlds leading to events like the Crossing and alternate Kangs running about everywhere. If so, Odin now needs to rectify this problem.

I empathise with you on the call-centre front (among those dark satanic mills, ay). Been there, done that. Better than being unemployed and broke, which I am, since call centres don’t appear to make their systems accessible for screen-readers. I could keep putting in complaints re: equal opportunity, but if I did, I wouldn’t be doing anything else. Every job I go for they tell me that although I am the applicant of the highest standard, that I am unsuccessful in acquiring the position because they can’t see how the workplace will be able to accommodate me. Or they won’t let me show my computer skills on the laptop I have hired for the interview with my speech programme loaded onto it, instead expecting me to use their type-testing programmes, etc at the interview loaded onto their laptops with no speech programme. Everyone knows the keyboard layout for most laptops is vastly different, but they say they are the rules (definition: discrimination). As I said, I could ke ep putting in complaints, but when you have to constantly be adversarial to get anything changed, you think back in your mind about litigation and its elongated process playing a large role in the natural history of psychological symptoms and disability among… victims. I already have enough multiple disabilities to last me a lifetime thankyou. Another one might be the straw that breaks the camels back. Although, as Alan Moore once said, “madness is the emergency exit”.

I could be onto something. I already took out a complaint against my local university here in Tasmania two years ago, which hasn’t even gotten to mediation yet. Despite the shit that went on there I managed to come out with a BA with majors in Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology (getting in the top 5% of graduates), and 3rd-year Bachelor of Social Work, which lead to me finally taking out the complaint. But I digress again…

Have you considered submitting a proposal to any Australian comic companies? This could be a possible way of getting through the back door of the American market. Arthur Suydam did it, Hugh Fleming, Eddie Campbell, Gary Chaloner to name a few. Let me know if you’d like some contact details.

I had better sign off for now, as my back is killing me from sitting too long – damn bone density and my inability to efficiently absorb nutrients in my food. You’d think I was a postmenopausal woman.

Cheers,

James.

P.S. Sorry, I’m broke at present otherwise I’d help you by donating to Paypal. So much so, I’m even having to use the ‘net at the local library online access centre, as I don’t have access at home. But if there’re any electronic books you’d like for free, just spell it out to me. I’m on a few blind-lists and we come across recent contraband (our own little Napster bookmarket), plus I’ve scanned a few novels in order to read them myself. I currently have some works by Steve Aylett if that interests you at all, and a few contemporary philosophical works. Again, please let me know.