Lifes a bitch then you die, doesn't seem hardly fair. Ok as if you dont know, my good friend Jared Burchett died on April 25th, and I can't hardly stop thing of how much I was a asshole I was to him. And what I wish to take back. I wish everything ive ever done to him could be taken back, and he could be alive, and God could take me instead. Why can't I be that lucky? I just wish this would all go away, but evertime I look in the mirror i see another asshole on the loose, I wish I could just pull away, and give it all up. With nothing to live for, why did God take him? The one person I knew wanted to live the most. Why could you have tooken me who doens't want to live. Im bottled up inside, lost in the memmory of myself. Nothing to care about inside, why does everything seem to shift against me. Im going insane. I think about all the times I knew Jared and all the times we had that were good and bad. But evertime I think about it, he was the freind...not me. How should I feel about that? A humongous asshole who doens't know how to be a good freind. I wish I had something to live for, but im lost in the mistake of life. My body is becoming numb. im loosing control of everything I am. Everything that happends to me ends up cutting me in two. How much longer can I stay together. I wish I would of known him a little better than I did. But now I sit here and wonder, with a stiff throut and wonder how hard it is to let go. Maybe tomorrow I could say good bye, as for the last time it was see you later. Those were my last words to him, "see you later". Later comes pretty short. I dont know if I relaly want to live after that. At his funeral, I will layout all the sorry's, all the good byes. And everday on April 25th, I will come to his grave, regaurdless of everything. I will sit next to his grave and lay down int eh grass and ponder. About everything. Why must everything be this way? Why must I feel this way? Standing on the edge of the cliff, Im falling down to find nothing. Yet I cant stand up. This may be the begining of the end, its coming near for me, I can feel it. I just hope I know what to say when my death comes near. Hopefully you will wait for me to get back or i'll be lost in another day. I'll try to hold on for the ones who do like me. But when the time comes accept it. i dont want no memorial. im not worth all that unlike jared was worth more. I just want to be let go away from it all. Its over soon, im already getting short of breath.

-Ben
5/1/2003