I guess that I'm not capable of going forward and backwards at the same time, huh?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: should be the contented silence that accompanies sleep*
Topic: wondering where I stand

*but it isn't- at least not for me, as I have decided to take this time to stay up and pull off an "all nighter" so that I can get some of my affairs in order

...

right.
-as it is now something like 2:25p here on my side of the globe (I live in the Eastern time zone) my plan really isn't holding that much water *irritated with self* (unless going through messages on deviantART would be considered a good and productive use of my time... I got rid of 200+ messages! ... -.-;; -sigh-)

I see and understand that I am not living up to my own standards, and that is irritating me (along with some other things- I don't like saying that though) no, I think that I worded that too harshly- let me explain: I mean, I wish I had done more with my time- I had been a bit lax for the past two days... I remember I had said to myself that I would use this Tuesday as time to get some house work done (laundry) but I didn't do what I had wanted to do (washing my clothes)

and...
I've let myself be too moved by things
-rrr- my Lenten resolution was to have a firm will and not to let myself be so emotionally moved by others- not to be angry because of silly things, I so want to be more... mature? er, disciplined?

I know that it's something like the two virtues I said, but I don't know if I have it really pinned down yet (and how can I achive a goal if I don't even know what it is fully? I don't get me... *sad*)

but hey,
if you are reading this and you are concerned that I could be depressed- don't be.

I know that I have let myself down
I know that I don't like doing this
but I also know that there is still hope for me
because I'm alive and I have the chance to do better everyday- and that cheers my heart every morning

now, if you'd pray that I won't miss out on opportunities and that I will master my time and give glory to God by my life lived properly and well ordered- I say that that would be best for me :heart:

and I would be most grateful
for I so need help. -sigh-

****
-I didn't intend to make this such a long entry, but the way it is with journals or diaries is that they tend to be rather episodic- at least, that's what I have seen myself... I don't seem to have the dedication to write something everyday in either here or in my physical journal/diary/sketchbook/whatever recording thing so here I am now, wanting to backtrack

I wonder if my wanting to hold on to the past and record it on my own terms has restricted me from really enjoying the present time and from looking forward to the future- it could be that I have had that effect on myself, yet I don't know exactly why it is that I seem to be so restrained

I say "restrained" in the sense that I have the ability to do things, but I end up not doing them- to make it more clear... I am in what I like to call an "art freeze" this is not the same as "writer/artist block" because I am still able to make use of my skills, but I just lack the drive to do so

-what am I thinking?
I am not that kind of person who is so dependent on a muse, or the kind of person who "waits for inspiration to hit"- what am I doing?

I tell myself and others that I don't have to wait to "feel like doing something just so something can get done" but is this the same? -I really don't have to wait for things to "feel right" there are actions I can take even if my heart is not "ready" or what not

I would like to understand this phenomenon more though -sigh-

so I'll keep writing.
I don't consider myself a writer though- I have been told that I can write well, and I really do enjoy the challenge and wonderful work that words can bring, but I am not a person who writes because they want to be a writer- I want to record and remember

would I be considered a journalist then?
-maybe in the literal sense I would be
-I don't really think of myself in that way at all (this is the first time this thought has been considered or even noticed really)

hmm...
should I ask, "what kind of writer am I?" then?
I wouldn't mind knowing...

let us pray for the improvement of our fellow man shall we? I so want to do more of that, I like thinking about other people, learning about them, helping them- it's why I want to be a nurse so badly.

I hope that I am going in the right direction
please God, guide me on to the right path
I just want to do the right thing
even though I am ... so awkward at times (I don't even know what to say here, hence the elipsis)

yet, I don't mind this though (especially since I know that this time will pass me by so so fast)

I'm glad that there's people out there watching me- and I didn't do anything to deserve that- is it okay for me to be happy about that? I wonder at times, but I am happy and grateful anyway (besides, God wouldn't be angry at me for appreciating other people- I don't want to be self-centered about that sort of thing though.)

-knowing me, I could go on all night, but I have some sleep to do (as well as some room cleaning)

I'll be glad to continue this tomorrow if I can
(and to start writing down some of my backlog of events in my "me and God" journal)- joy~

...good night and "good-bye"**
(**that is in fact, a corrupted form of this phrase: God be with you) -hee hee~!- ^_^


-Daiko~
(ah, you know... fill in something here?)
(has enough wishes to fill up a ranch- that is, if "wishes were horses" and all that)