(I wrote this after I had one of the hardest days of living I'd had in a long while...
also, before I had all these trials I suffered through, I'd had several others in the days preceeding this one.)
[written: 10:30p.m. -ish Monday-November 11, 2003]
It has been said that life is suffering.
While that phrase is somewhat Buddist in origin, it is still true.
Life is suffering.
The thing is, that people aren't always aware of this
especially me.
I have the all too human flaw that keeps me focused on the wrong thing:
myself.
I keep feeling and thinking that the most important thing is my own happiness
when that is the farthest thing from the truth.
Happiness is not a sin.
I am quite aware of that; it is not everything though.
The fact is, I can't rely on happiness to get me through this life
I need something stronger
something more solid
something less selfish
-happiness is fleeting, it's a good feeling
but it's not a constant in life
I need something that is.
Constant.
-I already have it, but my pride gets in the way
all the time.
Whenever I think of only myself: how sad I am, how bad I feel, how I wish someone would magically make me feel better...
there's more to life than that.
I have a family, and a life filled with people.
People who have souls that also have unmet needs.
People who hurt just as I do.
People looking for the peace and joy I tend to repress.
I need to share it, that's what I was put on Earth for.
My joy is not happiness in things that will pass away.
It is endless (when I'm not repressing it)
My peace is not something that occurs when everything is "okay"
it continues on, even in chaotic times.
I know the Christ.
I know the Lord of the Universe.
I know that if all the world were to turn against me
and if I were to have all living creatures hate me
I could bear it
for I know something sweeter
I know something more beautiful and real
moreso than anything this broken world has to offer.
I know who I am.
I know I am weak.
Yet, I know I can be strong.
I know I'm not invincible
but I know the One who is.
I have all that I need.
[-as God would have it, the readings for today's Mass really convicted me of this today. Interesting, isn't it? ^_^ ...]
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NOTE: this is also taken verbatim from yesterday, much like the entry below it- only this one occured first [in the series]