good-bye to this year...
and here it is, the last day of this 2003 solar year. I feel somewhat melancholy. I woke up this morning with high hopes for this time, to have the end of this be wonderful and full of joy- and yet, I've been disappointed.
I know that my brothers don't find this day to be as special as I do, and that they don't feel the same need to finish everything up. To have one's affairs tied up and put in place, to be ordered and at peace; at least, that's how I feel from observing the Kabigon. -maybe, it's just in his nature to be easy-going, and yet I see how fleeting the day is- I lament all my wasted time.
-sigh-
I wish more to have no more regret for the rest of my life- I know that is quite unrealistic, but having regrets causes too much heartache.
I would like a peaceful year.
...there's a lot that I would like actually.
-it's been said that "want" is the cause of a lot of the troubles in this world, and while that may be true with regards to many things- wanting what is truly good is not a troublesome thing...
I want things to be better.
I'm so tired.
I'm sorrowful.
and still, I have high hopes in the Lord
and still, I will trust Him with my joy
and I will still smile
even though I feel almost dead inside.
help~
****
I don't know what to do,
I feel like I've been discarded
that within my family
there is little love for the person that I am
little patience with regards to my mistakes
little mercy with regards to things I do not intend to do
love that goes toward things (from other family members) rather than towards me or others
I wish I could make this clear
I wish I could make this stop.
I will leave for now...