Mood: on fire
Now Playing: Northern Lights -403 Forbiddena
Topic: wondering where I stand
alternately titled:
-forward movement-
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DISCLAIMER!
this is a LONG and SERIOUS journal entry from Daiko's DA journal- something that would be normally posted in a similar format to one of a few other blogs, but I consider this so important that these words will remain here and be cross-posted in as many other areas as I can reach in the near future. I am aware that this is a break from my usual style of posting, but it's self reflection and taking stock of who I am- me being myself, sometimes you'll see things like this [from me].
You are -absolutely free- to completely ignore this and do what it is that you would like with regards to whatever it is that you have planned- I'm just getting a few things out of my heart and into the air... since it is HARD to read things like this from others (due to the fact that there is quite a fair ammount of Heavy content regarding someone that you may not know well personally) I understand that it'd be a burden to even expect others to read this completely with attention for detail- I'm not asking for help or for comments... I'm just trying to discern the state of my soul and how to go about fixing what's broken in me and do that well!
yes, I even think it would be best if there are NO comments on this journal entry at all so please leave this [entry] as it is... (unless you do wish to comment- if you want to, then I won't prevent you from taking that action)
-this is in keeping with the goals that I set for myself during Lent- and while that season is long over, the task of doing these things is definately not so I am continuing on in that line of thought albeit with quite some differences this time around...
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-Work in Progress!-
posted at such an atypical time for me since the subjects importance MERITS it- I can't procrastinate on something like this nor do I wish to hence, this is posted early Pentecost Sunday morning '06 -I may add more to this or edit later so be aware that the content of this journal entry is declared "Subject to Change"
I don't want my worries and my fears to dominate me any longer... others have said before that if one wants to really be virtuous, that they should practice and act out that virtue until it becomes a permanent part of their character. I want bravery and courage- that ability to go forward even when times are hard, or the outcome seems bleak- I want to just move past that and grow instead... -sigh-
I've been blessed to see the people in my life grow and change- to mature and improve in such a short time... I've allowed myself to hold back, actually... I have just stagnated and not moved on much from who I used to be- I know that I have changed, and that comparing oneself to others isn't always the best way to look at things, but my friends have illuminated the shortcomings in my life and it's up to me to fix them and to accept help in fixing them.
I've seen this one guy who when I look at him seems so brave and forward (too much so at times, but that's quite a forgiveable sin in my eyes...) he doesn't have the same hesitation that I have in my heart and that intrigues me and scares me- that fear isn't really that appropriate, and I want it gone from me... I can see this virtue in someone else and I want to cultivate it so that Bravery will be a real and solid portion of who I am, and maybe in taking a cue from my friend I can find a way to be rid of this fear in me- the paralysis that I have since I don't want to make mistakes, that paralysis that keeps me from moving forward and making changes in my life -sigh-
I... don't consider myself very capable of anything, and while humility is a good virtue to have, I know in my heart that in declining all the compliments I recieve from others with regards to the skill that I display that I am not acting in the real spirit of humility but in self-depreciation instead- this isn't right! -when I see someone else put themself down, I hate it... and yet with regards to myself, I allow and even enjoy and condone this behavior- so hypocritical... it's definately time for me to put a stop to that. So... if someone compliments my art, instead of replying with a cry of, "I can't draw" or some other similar and hurtful ephithet I'll accept the compliment, but I'll be honest and say that I am not yet at the skill level that I wish to be... and yet, I don't want to be boastful either, but being thankful... saying, "Thank you" when someone honestly says something kind to me... that is the right thing to do...
-there's so much that I want to say, and at the same time there has been so much internal pressure for me to keep quiet about my thoughts, experiences, and desires but if I keep these and other things to myself, I'm not really being honest- it's like saying, "I'm okay!" when I'm really not -on the other side of the coin though (or maybe not) there are somethings that I DO indeed need to restrain within myself (like random comments- I should be patient enough to wait 'til the right time to voice them if they're necessary) especially since... I don't want to add a needless burden to others- I don't want to cause extra suffering if it's not needed- I don't want to impose or to crush others with the weight of my own ego (ego in this sense not only referring to "arrogance" but with regards to "self") I mean that I don't want to annoy other people by being too much for their senses- a proper and refined lady would take care to be kind and gentle with others- I know that I am not yet there, but I long to be... I want to be that way, a good person with self-control and sensitivity to others- I don't want to keep pressing myself HARD on other people and earning their resentment or disdain- and not even just for the fact that I don't want others to hate me... I don't like seeing that sort of selfishness in others, so I want to root it out of myself entirely.
I want to do these things and more- a part of me asks, "how can I do this? I've been doing things in a certain way for so long... can I really permanently change for the better?" and my answer to myself is, "YES" because I have been changing and growing (albeit slowly...) and with God all things are possible [so there's no need to let all my fears get the best of me]. I want to grow and change- exchange this pathetic self for a truly good person who is able to do what they need to do with quickness and excellence (as well as with efficiency...) -there are people who have chosen to love me, to care about me... wonderful people who I really don't deserve to have the company of... I want to give them a good friend, I want to give them someone who can really return their love- someone who will actually listen! and be steady and there for them... I have always wanted someone like that to always be there for me, if I ask this for myself then I should be able to become what I'm longing for to make my thoughts reality
I don't want to waste my time crying over the fact that I'm not getting anywhere and that I don't deserve anything- I may not be able to control how I feel some of the time, but I can change how I react to my emotions- I can choose to do the right thing regardless of my sentiments or the situations that I find myself in- the will to be good and to do good I can cultivate it in myself... it may be true that I am pathetic, and that I deserve nothing but even if those things are facts that doesn't mean that I must always be this way... there's hope always- for me, and for everyone else (it's just that it's so much easier for me to see and realize the hope that there is for others and think that my situation is so bleak...)
I might not know how to deal with things, and I'm afraid of what will be in the days to come, but I don't need to die or to run away (figuratively or literally with regards to many senses and in different ways) because of this... I need to go forward. I want to go forward and with this resolve in my heart, I will take action (and do my best to execute the right ones and not waste too much time in foolishness)
in short:
I want to do more and do it well- I want to be braver and move forward in my life even if it will cost me, even if there is pain and strife and sadness to go through- the people who have befriended me are wonderful and I want to be a true beautiful and good person who can love them back without hurting them needlessly- my desire to be a great lady is still alive, and I will myself to go forward.
how will this impact my art?:
Well... I will be experimenting more and possibly, submitting more (here on DA and in my LiveJournal as well*) with less care in regards to my artwork being icily perfect -I don't wish to spam my watchers, but I do want to be more active as an artist and grow so that may mean a temporary increase in my submit rate over quality... please don't mind it and I will see about scrapping the really unsavory experiments so bear with me
Also! that means that I am definately not giving up on doing Commissions and want to do A LOT OF REALLY GOOD ONES despite how it may cost me- I want to be a better artist since that is tied up so tightly with who I am as a person... spiritually, emotionally, mentally- I may not have this as my calling or even as a steady career, but this art burns me [having an artist's soul] so I have to do something with it... it almost hurts me having this and not doing anything with it even though I'm not a fully-fledged professional (I'm a chick!** :))
I want to make more art- to get things I want to express OUT of me! and to add some beauty to this world somehow...
*maybe even on PGN also, but it's not as easy and familiar for me to put up works on my account over on PortalGraphics.Net...
**"Chick" as in female as well as a hatchling - a fledgling is a young bird that is almost ready to fly off on their own and is mature in comparison to a new hatchling -by what I said, I mean that I am not a mature out and out professional with several years experience doing many things withing the field of Art- I'm someone who is familiar with quite a few things that some pros in the field may know since I am deeply interested in art and finished out two years of Commercial Art in technical school- in short, I'm definately not :devartgerm: but I can understand and do a few things that someone like him is capable of~
about this entry:
Yes, this was really VAGUE and I made quite a few allusions to things that I don't feel fully comfortable speaking openly about- but that was all done purposely since this is something that I've posted on the internet and sometimes one's over open-ness can bring about one's downfall online- it's also something that I do often (if that wasn't obvious already^^; ) when I'm writing things about others since I don't want to disrespect their privacy.
-sigh- it is hard for me to know what to say and to say it rightly...
and yet... I WANT TO SAY AND DO SO MUCH MORE!
this flame in my heart burns like an Advent Candle
I think that it's about time that it becomes enhanced with Fire from Heaven like the flames that the Apostles recieved at The Pentecost
yes...
-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(Please be well.)