-it's been too long.
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Daiko at the moment...
(and now I don't even know how to say what it is that I want to say properly...)

<sub>-not to mention that I've gotten so used to deviantART that I was about to format this the same way that I do over there... ^^;

ah well, the nice thing about Angelfire is that they have stuff online "forever" -never mind, that may not really be a good thing at all.</sub>

Anyway, I am obviously alive since I am able to type up a new entry and post it here and my mind is full of things that I'd like to convey as per usual, but it has been awhile since I've been here and I wonder how I should phrase things...

I still enjoy playing with syntax so much -sigh-

...the fact that I am currently somewhat ill is probably contributing to the fact that I can't seem to gather and output my thoughts here in a coherent manner -gh!- -.-; ...

ee-yeah, I should probably get off the internet...
_-sigh-

be back sometime soon.




-Daiko~
_{(seems to have caught a cold somehow.)
(wonders exactly how long Lycos' multiple services such as Angelfire will continue to exist? x.x; ...)}

test entry
-I've been trying hard to update this blog of mine since earlier this week on July 5th but I haven't seen my posts go through which is a bit perturbing to say the least.

Anyway, if this goes through then I'll see if I can also add the entry that I wanted to put here previously- it's no longer as timely, but this is where I originally wanted to put it so I will keep trying.


****
life now: ah, as for myself... I'm pretty much going to be offline as I need to focus and get things done- also, it's summer where I am and it's best to spend that season having fun and being with people so I'm cutting down (out actually) a great deal of computer time (if not completely ;)


...so much has happened since April of this year...
I am so happy to have met Cheryl, and to have become part of the Home of the Mother- we have Catholic fellowship meetings once each week (lately, that's been every Wednesday...) and I feel that through these discussions that I've been learning and remembering a lot.

-thing is... I really REALLY wish that the other members of our group would add more to the discussion oftentimes, I feel that it's me mostly who puts a lot of words out and really wants to talk through whatever the topic is... the others seem so reluctant to share for fear that they won't be able to express their thoughts well in a way that we can understand- but while comprehension is important, it is moreso of importance [to me anyway] that they at least TRY! -things don't happen if one doesn't put forth enough effort and... I don't want to be "the speaker that everyone else listens to" I want to be just one of many who has words to say- I don't want to be the only one sharing my thoughts, I already know what it is that I think and I have a hard enough time getting it out of me as it is. *Daiko sad*

and well, besides that there are other things going on within the group that I am not happy to see but they aren't anything that I can't handle with God's help...

waah! I've let so many days go by un-chronicled... and yet, maybe I can write them out well now since a great deal of the passion of those days have gone by.

ah~ I am glad to be alive
I've been struck with small bouts of sadness and even had one yesterday, and still though those things do hurt me and I get taken down by them somewhat I can see now that that happens in response to my spiritual growth or rather, are even a part of my maturing- my emotions may be attacked, but I am to stand firm despite them and even grow and become stronger though others might be against me~

-life calls me, I'd love to continue this entry but this is meant to be a quick test- there's lunch to prepare and a floor to sleep SWEEP! (I wonder why I made that mistake -.-; ...) as well as LOADS of unfinished artwork that could use my hands so I am off going to get offline!


****
EDIT: darn it... why did this entry post, but not the other one? -is it because I took so many online quizzes and wanted to post the results? *doesn't know*



-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(please be well- take care of yourself.)

Come fire of Heaven!
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Northern Lights -403 Forbiddena
Topic: wondering where I stand
alternately titled:
-forward movement-


****
DISCLAIMER!

this is a LONG and SERIOUS journal entry from Daiko's DA journal- something that would be normally posted in a similar format to one of a few other blogs, but I consider this so important that these words will remain here and be cross-posted in as many other areas as I can reach in the near future. I am aware that this is a break from my usual style of posting, but it's self reflection and taking stock of who I am- me being myself, sometimes you'll see things like this [from me].

You are -absolutely free- to completely ignore this and do what it is that you would like with regards to whatever it is that you have planned- I'm just getting a few things out of my heart and into the air... since it is HARD to read things like this from others (due to the fact that there is quite a fair ammount of Heavy content regarding someone that you may not know well personally) I understand that it'd be a burden to even expect others to read this completely with attention for detail- I'm not asking for help or for comments... I'm just trying to discern the state of my soul and how to go about fixing what's broken in me and do that well!

yes, I even think it would be best if there are NO comments on this journal entry at all so please leave this [entry] as it is... (unless you do wish to comment- if you want to, then I won't prevent you from taking that action)

-this is in keeping with the goals that I set for myself during Lent- and while that season is long over, the task of doing these things is definately not so I am continuing on in that line of thought albeit with quite some differences this time around...

****

-Work in Progress!-
posted at such an atypical time for me since the subjects importance MERITS it- I can't procrastinate on something like this nor do I wish to hence, this is posted early Pentecost Sunday morning '06 -I may add more to this or edit later so be aware that the content of this journal entry is declared "Subject to Change"


I don't want my worries and my fears to dominate me any longer... others have said before that if one wants to really be virtuous, that they should practice and act out that virtue until it becomes a permanent part of their character. I want bravery and courage- that ability to go forward even when times are hard, or the outcome seems bleak- I want to just move past that and grow instead... -sigh-

I've been blessed to see the people in my life grow and change- to mature and improve in such a short time... I've allowed myself to hold back, actually... I have just stagnated and not moved on much from who I used to be- I know that I have changed, and that comparing oneself to others isn't always the best way to look at things, but my friends have illuminated the shortcomings in my life and it's up to me to fix them and to accept help in fixing them.

I've seen this one guy who when I look at him seems so brave and forward (too much so at times, but that's quite a forgiveable sin in my eyes...) he doesn't have the same hesitation that I have in my heart and that intrigues me and scares me- that fear isn't really that appropriate, and I want it gone from me... I can see this virtue in someone else and I want to cultivate it so that Bravery will be a real and solid portion of who I am, and maybe in taking a cue from my friend I can find a way to be rid of this fear in me- the paralysis that I have since I don't want to make mistakes, that paralysis that keeps me from moving forward and making changes in my life -sigh-

I... don't consider myself very capable of anything, and while humility is a good virtue to have, I know in my heart that in declining all the compliments I recieve from others with regards to the skill that I display that I am not acting in the real spirit of humility but in self-depreciation instead- this isn't right! -when I see someone else put themself down, I hate it... and yet with regards to myself, I allow and even enjoy and condone this behavior- so hypocritical... it's definately time for me to put a stop to that. So... if someone compliments my art, instead of replying with a cry of, "I can't draw" or some other similar and hurtful ephithet I'll accept the compliment, but I'll be honest and say that I am not yet at the skill level that I wish to be... and yet, I don't want to be boastful either, but being thankful... saying, "Thank you" when someone honestly says something kind to me... that is the right thing to do...

-there's so much that I want to say, and at the same time there has been so much internal pressure for me to keep quiet about my thoughts, experiences, and desires but if I keep these and other things to myself, I'm not really being honest- it's like saying, "I'm okay!" when I'm really not -on the other side of the coin though (or maybe not) there are somethings that I DO indeed need to restrain within myself (like random comments- I should be patient enough to wait 'til the right time to voice them if they're necessary) especially since... I don't want to add a needless burden to others- I don't want to cause extra suffering if it's not needed- I don't want to impose or to crush others with the weight of my own ego (ego in this sense not only referring to "arrogance" but with regards to "self") I mean that I don't want to annoy other people by being too much for their senses- a proper and refined lady would take care to be kind and gentle with others- I know that I am not yet there, but I long to be... I want to be that way, a good person with self-control and sensitivity to others- I don't want to keep pressing myself HARD on other people and earning their resentment or disdain- and not even just for the fact that I don't want others to hate me... I don't like seeing that sort of selfishness in others, so I want to root it out of myself entirely.

I want to do these things and more- a part of me asks, "how can I do this? I've been doing things in a certain way for so long... can I really permanently change for the better?" and my answer to myself is, "YES" because I have been changing and growing (albeit slowly...) and with God all things are possible [so there's no need to let all my fears get the best of me]. I want to grow and change- exchange this pathetic self for a truly good person who is able to do what they need to do with quickness and excellence (as well as with efficiency...) -there are people who have chosen to love me, to care about me... wonderful people who I really don't deserve to have the company of... I want to give them a good friend, I want to give them someone who can really return their love- someone who will actually listen! and be steady and there for them... I have always wanted someone like that to always be there for me, if I ask this for myself then I should be able to become what I'm longing for to make my thoughts reality

I don't want to waste my time crying over the fact that I'm not getting anywhere and that I don't deserve anything- I may not be able to control how I feel some of the time, but I can change how I react to my emotions- I can choose to do the right thing regardless of my sentiments or the situations that I find myself in- the will to be good and to do good I can cultivate it in myself... it may be true that I am pathetic, and that I deserve nothing but even if those things are facts that doesn't mean that I must always be this way... there's hope always- for me, and for everyone else (it's just that it's so much easier for me to see and realize the hope that there is for others and think that my situation is so bleak...)

I might not know how to deal with things, and I'm afraid of what will be in the days to come, but I don't need to die or to run away (figuratively or literally with regards to many senses and in different ways) because of this... I need to go forward. I want to go forward and with this resolve in my heart, I will take action (and do my best to execute the right ones and not waste too much time in foolishness)


in short:
I want to do more and do it well- I want to be braver and move forward in my life even if it will cost me, even if there is pain and strife and sadness to go through- the people who have befriended me are wonderful and I want to be a true beautiful and good person who can love them back without hurting them needlessly- my desire to be a great lady is still alive, and I will myself to go forward.


how will this impact my art?:
Well... I will be experimenting more and possibly, submitting more (here on DA and in my LiveJournal as well*) with less care in regards to my artwork being icily perfect -I don't wish to spam my watchers, but I do want to be more active as an artist and grow so that may mean a temporary increase in my submit rate over quality... please don't mind it and I will see about scrapping the really unsavory experiments so bear with me

Also! that means that I am definately not giving up on doing Commissions and want to do A LOT OF REALLY GOOD ONES despite how it may cost me- I want to be a better artist since that is tied up so tightly with who I am as a person... spiritually, emotionally, mentally- I may not have this as my calling or even as a steady career, but this art burns me [having an artist's soul] so I have to do something with it... it almost hurts me having this and not doing anything with it even though I'm not a fully-fledged professional (I'm a chick!** :))

I want to make more art- to get things I want to express OUT of me! and to add some beauty to this world somehow...


*maybe even on PGN also, but it's not as easy and familiar for me to put up works on my account over on PortalGraphics.Net...

**"Chick" as in female as well as a hatchling - a fledgling is a young bird that is almost ready to fly off on their own and is mature in comparison to a new hatchling -by what I said, I mean that I am not a mature out and out professional with several years experience doing many things withing the field of Art- I'm someone who is familiar with quite a few things that some pros in the field may know since I am deeply interested in art and finished out two years of Commercial Art in technical school- in short, I'm definately not :devartgerm: but I can understand and do a few things that someone like him is capable of~


about this entry:
Yes, this was really VAGUE and I made quite a few allusions to things that I don't feel fully comfortable speaking openly about- but that was all done purposely since this is something that I've posted on the internet and sometimes one's over open-ness can bring about one's downfall online- it's also something that I do often (if that wasn't obvious already^^; ) when I'm writing things about others since I don't want to disrespect their privacy.

-sigh- it is hard for me to know what to say and to say it rightly...

and yet... I WANT TO SAY AND DO SO MUCH MORE!

this flame in my heart burns like an Advent Candle
I think that it's about time that it becomes enhanced with Fire from Heaven like the flames that the Apostles recieved at The Pentecost

yes...


-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(Please be well.)

Saints I investigated today...
Now Playing: (the song that asks for the Saints' intercessions...)
(it seems that I've been bit by the "update your sites & blogs bug" as of late. o.o! -it's fun though^-^)

-because of this entry that I found in "Confessions of a Hot Caramel Sundae" I found myself exploring another blog and discovered a saint who fights against procrastination (it seems that St. Expeditus lends his aid to those who live by deadlines and need to submit their work on time- so I'll try requesting the Lord's help with regards to that matter with his assistance *doesn't know if there are any specific prayers to go about this though*)

After I looked through 's page for a bit, I looked at the front page of the site and ended up happily browsing through a great reference on many saints♥

such as these:
Saint Catherine of Siena
Saint Maria Faustina
Saint Raphael
Saint Benedict
Blessed Columba of Rieti
Saint Denys

there are so many things to look at on the Patron Saints indexed Topic List that I'll probably come back again some day in the future...

-man I need help in getting all my work (especially for school) finshed and completed well to be turned in on time -sigh-

HELP ME St. Expeditus, please!~
...


****
EDIT: silly me, I can't believe that I left that HTML mistake on this entry for so long (originally, I forgot to put a space between the link for St. Maria Faustina and St. Raphael's link)



-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(please be well~)

Kindness with Purpose
Mood:  hug me
I found another gem from Boundless today...

"[T]here are gifts that hold more power and impact than random good deeds.
These acts of kindness tell someone that you know them.
They communicate that you've noticed their needs.
They demonstrate that you've made a sacrifice on their behalf."

the practice of real intentional love is what I want to do...
true love beyond our highest understanding- that lovely seemingly unreachable goal- let's aim for it more and more


-Daiko~
(pray for me...)

a little on Daiko's current status
Now Playing: various songs in my head, but Sanctus Real's
I can't seem to find an emote here on this blog that conveys my status too well or maybe I'm more used to LJ's multiple emotes that are customizeable? hn, still thought that may be true, I say that Angelfire really could use a "sleepy" emote...

disregard the stuff under the cut, it's something I posted earlier that's still relevant for today, but not of great interest... (that is, unless you're interested in [del.icio.us])
Read More...

Hey... Angelfire! I'm getting tired of the way that there's been a delay in displaying my recent blog posts- it makes it look as if I update less than I do in reality!

~cut due to length~
Read More...

I posted earlier this month [March] and was hoping to see my recent blog post first on this site- now that I think about it, it could just be me and something browser-related on my side of the computer screen, but I doubt it since a similar situation as this one has occurred before.

(-gah! maybe I should move these "Angelfire-ranty-musings" to my alternate Planet-based blog on here... which I don't like and just got on a whim -sigh- there should be REAL discussion on these topics though, I'm not alone- and those who found themselves dissatisfied with this service moved away from it quickly enough *wonders how long Angelfire will be around if they keep up these practices* some of them were blogging friends that I met on here who are now on [Blogger] and on [Xanga] respectively. :( ...)

I wonder, will this blog post be viewable after I post it? (-and if so, then exactly how long will it take to get to that once common and easily-reached state?)

*hopes to get her Angelfire hosted things in order...*


****
-sigh- I've been looking around and taking in so much stuff online, nothing bad but I have other things that require my attention: schoolwork to do (two assignments T-T') as well as a room that needs to be cleaned... with stuff to be organized, clothes to be put away, artwork to categorize, ideas on scraps of paper that should be transfered to a notebook and expanded upon for my archival and recall purposes- general tidying to make my room look nicer wouldn't be amiss either ;_;

Also, there are those personal projects that I would like to get to- yet I allow myself to be distracted by the content of others online, by viewing the things that have been created already on the internet- I have stuff to add too!

and work to do offline of course. -sigh-

Pray for me...
(I have work due next Monday! Help! o.o)


-Daiko~
(please be well and take care.)

it's that time again
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: "My Savior Loves" (Spirit fm- radio in background)

it's that time of year again where Daiko takes to Lent, and Lent takes to Daiko

-the theme that I have set for this year is:
Lent- Take Action!

as I look into being more disciplined and doing what it is that God wants me to do

-in accordance with that, when I went to my church's healing mass yesterday my prayer was that I would have my will be strenghtened, to know exactly what it is that God wants of me, and to do the best and right thing quickly

I want to take flight and get going! ^_^

-anyway, before I go to finish my paper and take care of things around the house, I'll put up the links to the sites I looked through for my Lenten research:

What Catholic.org had to say about Lent
Google search: Catholic fast days
Catholic Encyclopedia: Fast (entry from NewAdvent.org)
some special duties of Catholic Christians

-I'm off now!~

(have a good Lent... full of solemnity, discipline, and austere joy~)


-Daiko~
(pray for me)

My Funny Valentine
Now Playing: so many good songs.

ah, my funny valentine (what can I say to you on this day?)

...

You've been there for me always
no matter what.

-even when my friends can't see
what's in my heart
You know what's really there inside of me
even when I am happy it doesn't penetrate
through all the depths of my soul, and yet there
You are

all I have is Advent
when everyone else is around me
celebrating and observing days that are special to them
it's not the same for me
my heart is out of tune

St. Valentine's means more to me than they could know
the candy makers, the flower cutters
I used to wish when I was younger,
when I was a little girl

that a boy would come to my house
with flowers and candy just for me
(sunflowers, I used to think in that daydream)

but I let that dream die.

Years have gone by and it's only recently that I have the strength to

dream again- silly things like that

things that I thought a person such as myself was unworthy of

thinking, and doing and dreaming

for so many years I thought that way
have thought in this way
fight not to think that way
that there could be romantic love for fools like me
who have hearts full of longing for so many things

for holiness, for peace of mind, for strength
for the will to live when things are hard
for the will to live when things seem so pleasant on the surface but

aren't
for the will to live and enjoy the times that are really good and sweet

for someone who'd [love me] in the way that I want to be loved, in the way that I believe that [love should be...]

and yet, though I'm slowly gaining the courage to dream of things like that again

I'm still thankful for
grateful for
kept alive and sane by

people who love me in other ways

though, I'm really poor at reciprocating that
though, I'm not as loving a person as I want to be
though, I'm really, REALLY weak and pathetic and sometimes annoyed- when people think that I'm this great smart person that I'm not-

...

St. Valentine's means more to me NOW than that little girl that I was could ever know then.

because...

I know his story now.

the one of the man, imprisoned for his faith
in the past when to live as a Christian openly
was to ask for your death
by so many unpleasant means

the one of the man, who was already in prison
who gave a young man who loved God
to a young woman who also loved God
-he gave them to each other
they married as Christians,
he died as a Martyr.

Rather than live this life set before me,
for so long, I had much rathered
that my life would be something more akin to his...
to live, to help a holy couple find each other
and to die for their sake

but... that's not exactly what I'm meant for, is it?
I am not another Saint Valentine.
and if I come home to Heaven
and join the Saints
those lovely Blessed

I would be... Saint Dinah
instead.

but, I'm definately not at that point yet
because it's my time to live and be loving and show
Your love- even though it hurts me (sometimes, since it's so fiery~)

but...
but,

You are always there for me,
My funny Valentine

if You are willing to sacrifice Your life for me,
I will gladly sacrifice my life for You.

if You are willing to talk to me
to talk me out of those darknesses that my soul feels trapped in
then I will bear my soul to You
I will talk to You

if You see something in me,
something good
in this lonely, broken, sad, pathetic person
then I am something beautiful to You
even if I don't feel beautiful

if You are willing to take all my tears
(even those several secret tears that I can't seem to talk about)
then I will give You my smiles as well
wholeheartedly.

I love You, My funny Valentine
and I am blessed that You love me as well.

(help me to give that love to the people around me too...)



-Daiko~
(pray for me, and please be well dear readers...)

so I am a golden key?
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: "My Savior" then Newsboys' "We are Free..."
Topic: Daiko at the moment...



You're a little gold key, and you unlock other people's hearts.

Your kindness and willingness to be there
for those you care about lets people open up
to you knowing they will be accepted.

People will rely on you, but be careful
not to give more than you have.

What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla


a cute little quiz, and I think it to be pretty accurate so I liked this~

(got this off [Rannsama's LiveJournal] -I would have posted this to [my LJ] but I already have another interesting quiz posted there, so I put my results up here instead. ^^; ...)


****
Anyway, what's going on with me?

hm... not too much really, at the moment I'm kinda wondering where certain people have went since I haven't been keeping up with their journals (eh heh he, kinda bad of me, huh? -I could do beter than that... and I think that people who are trying to follow this journal are having a hard time since I haven't been updating it as much as I have in past years -sigh- but life offline is important- people still live and breathe and work even when and especially they don't blog about it ;)

Read More...

With regards to the rest of games that I've been playing recently, I finished playing the game "My Diamond Baby" and [posted a few thoughts about it] not too long ago. Read More...

and... I've been looking over things like art from [Pu-sama of DA] and after seeing her recent sketch of Squall, and from hearing things from my friends about FFVIII, and from not being able to play the game but wanting to for so long! -I want to play Final Fantasy Eight (but not at the risk of my grades though... what to do?)

-man! I understand why I don't update here as often as I used to... it's too easy for me to get distracted when I'm online browsing around looking at /for things. -sigh-

ooh! I just found this awesome [line artist at deviantART] from [HOON's recent work] wows! I want to color Inkthinker's excellent line works too!♥

-gah, multiblogging... and trying to get all my work done- hard! (so, I'll leave you guys with this incomplete entry for now, forgive me~! T-T; ... -sigh-)


-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(Please be well)

go Daiko!

Today was really blargh- I mean, it wasn't horrible, and I didn't get up late (yet not that early either) but I mostly spent my time on the computer T-T; I did do some good things- and I learned how to make chicken fingers today (they were really good and I should go make more for dinner tonight) but I don't think that spending so much time online (or so many hours on DA) is healthy- I think- no I want to limit my time on DA if I let it, it would eat like at least 20 hours in a week! *very bad*

I feel like I'm being forced into things? I don't know, it's just that at 4:44pm today my grandma was insistant that she give me this over-wayoversized skirt that she's going to alter- it was a nice thought, but I really don't want it. I let her know that and I think that she understands, but I wonder who the skirt is going to end up being for now...

I'm so out of time. I'm still online even though I should be getting my brother ready (dressed) to go to the Winter Jam concert- we need to get there really early so that we can find some good seats (first come first serve and all...). grara! I should have cooked the chicken fingers earlier!

I want to tell the world to pray for me since I need help with using my time wisely and being a good Christian who prays often and hears clearly from God everyday- I wish that I was better... at so many things *has really high standards that she loves*

I am kinda slow with updating my journal T_T *wonders if it's cheating since she's using a form to help her out* I love this form thingy for it's ease of use- for some reason, it really inspires me and I never end up picking those strange options (they don't fit me properly anyway :)

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! I would like to say that, but no- I didn't and I didn't get one for my birthday either- s'okay though, I'd much rather have me a tablet. (more time to get things done actually would be better for me...)

hah hah, I really like the portion on this thing that says "I want to thank" and has all these interesting options... this option: "the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go." reminds me of someone I know, and I wonder if he'd ever make a fake journal entry using that. (-obviously, I probably wouldn't) ...if I felt that way, I would probably ammend that to be more Daiko-like (all reserved and what not. ^^; ...)

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with the fact that I found this option interesting too, I'd pick it but I don't need you to do that last part ^_^ "this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful" tee hee.

Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
Powered by Rum and Monkey

I'll be back- sorry for the quickie tidbit, just that I need to take care of important things, like school and cooking meals (and cleaning up afterwards T_T -sigh-)

see you!


-Daiko~
(pray for me)
(please be well.)