Hair update :)
Since my hair comments bug someone ~nameless~ that much I decided on an update :)

I found a gelwax in the store today. It's doesn't make my hair so stiff and it washes out easy. But it still gives a great hold.

Anyway I was up at 7 am today and did my laundry. I love doing the laundry, the smell of newly washed clothes is wonderful. I often leave the hamper with the clean clotehs standing a while before I put the clothes away so the scent of fabricsoftner can spread in my appartment. Just looove it!!

//Jane

I am proud!
There is one acomplishment I am very proud over. The fact that I have lost a lot of weight. When I started out last year the scale said my weight was 91 kilos (about 200 pound according to Strengthcats kilopoundconverter). Today I have lost 27 kilos (59.5 pounds). I still want to loose another 10 kilos (22 pounds)and I will do so! I know I can do it too.

Live well!
//Jane

I dont recognize faces.
One of the thing about being slightly autistic is that I have problems recognizing people. I see a person I know, but it doesn't "click". I simply don't recognize them. Then I have two options. One is to say hi to everyone, even if I don't know them. That has shown to be an akward thing for me. It got me in to situations I couldn't handle very well. So I guess that is not a option for me.

The other option is not to do anything, but try to tell people about your problem when you talk to them. Now I don't want to tell people I don't know well about my disability. The reason is because not all people are nice and understanding. Manny people get mean whey are faced with someon who is a bit different. The problem if you don't say hi to people for what ever reason, the end up getting hurt or angry. And don't talk to you when you meet. So what am I really to do? It isn't by choice I dont recognize people.

So I just try live my life. But I do wish people would try to understand that not all people are the same. And if someone doesn't say hi when they meet you it just migt be a good reason behind it. But in this world we live in it seems like everyone must be and act the same. It makes me sad often, that the world I live in is not made for people like me.

Yesterday I got a comment in my blog. Someone asked what is up with me and my hair. This person is probably not interested in actually getting an answer. But for those who are, I can tell you that it is very hard for me to get used to new things. What ever it might be. So even if I was dead tierd of my hair and wanted a change. The new style actually where a bit of a chock to me. So that is what is up with me and my hair. If you don't like to read about then don't!

I can't get the stupid wax out of my hair!
My hair is turning in to a f*****g sequel!

Now I can't get the bloody styling wax out of my hair. I have washed it three times today and it still feels stiff. I give up. Sarah is right. It's just part of me and not all of me. (Thanks Sarah.) Besides it will grow back. I used to curse my quickgrowing hair, now I can't get it grow quick enough. :)

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I lay Tarotcards everyday. I can never get over the fact how rigth they often are. Yester day I got the 10 of swords. It means mental anguish. Sure enough I ran in to "V" and "S". they where standing on the sidewalk. I don't think they saw me, wich is good.
But I feelt completely destroyed.

Today the cards promised me a really good day and emotional serenity, I sure could need that.

The story behind "V" and "S" is that I had an affair with "V" for three months. He is 41 years old and a refugee from Kosovo. He is working for the guy who owns the appartmentbuilding I live in. That's how we meet, he was working there.

I don't have much experience with men and being slightly autistic I don't always see or understand things other people would. Well, sure enough it turned out that he was married and had five kids. One of his older daughters moved to the appartement above me. After a while he tried to get me to get a friend to sleep with his best friend. There was a lot of other stuff too. Emotional blackmail and other things. Anyway, we broke up after three months.

And suddenly, a few months later. My doorbell rings. Outside is a guy, "S". saying he just moved to my builing could I help him with the washing machine. I agreed. It didn't take long for him to invite himeself to coffe in my appartment. I foolshed enough agreed. The day after he came. We talked, he claimed he was from Bosnia. I guess any other person would have figured this out by now. But I didn't. Then he wanted to sleep with me, and he didn't give up even though I said no. Finally he got his way and left. A few days later I find out that they are related. "V" is "S" uncle. "V" used me and then sent his nephew. I am so angry, hurt and heartbroken. I really hate the two of them.

I hate my hair!
Yes I finally realized that I do hate my hair! I probably look ten years older.

I am bothered by everything right now. I know it's because I am to have my period soon. I hate everything and everyone including myself! I just hate. I have thougth that thought hundreds of times today. When I have meet someone I think to myself "I hate him/I hate her". As usually when I am about to have my period I gain weight. That makes me hate myself even more.

I realized today that I have to work on my eyecontact now. I was pretty good at it before. But after the thing with V and S. I stoped having eyecontact with people. Think it has to do with not trusting people anymore. There is people in the world who wants to hurt me. I do not want to see those people so I don't look at anyone unless I really must. Ofcourse, for me who is slightly autistic it's more normal and safe not to have eyecontact. But I wish for how I was before I got used and tossed away by those two men (V. and S.) I was more open to people. I miss that.

I honestly, hate V. and S. with all my heart!!!

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I have a lot of project going on. It's two crosstich projects and a crocheted christmas curtain. I also try to learn shuttle tatting. Then I got some DMC crosstich yarn and som Aida, so I can make my own patterns or download someting from the IInter. So what of theese projects am I working on? NONE! I guess it's to much. I can't choose. An autistic problem perhaps, I don't know.

There have been times when I went to a store to get a laundry detergent. I ended up leaving the store without any at all. I simply couldn't choose a brand. I have to make my mind up and stick to it.

Anyway everything sucks today. Hopefully I'll get my period tomorrow and get it over and done with!

Today I colored my hair!
Today I colored my hair bright red! I probably look like hell. But I wanted a big change and I sure got it. Don't know if I like it as much today as I did yesterday. What the fuck, it will grow back.

I have given up the viruschase! My father has virus on his computer and he does not want me to format the computer. The antivirus protection say there is virus but it wont desinfect and I am afraid to rename or delete because it might destroy som improtant files. Så my dad is stuck with his virus then. I could se that he had been checking out a lot of sexsites on the net. I just don't get it. What is so fun to look att women spreading their legs?

But for now I've given up. He can have it as it is now then until the computer shuts down because of the viruses. What can I do when doesn't want to?

Today I cut my hair!
It's really short now and for the first time in my life I will use styling products and wax daily. Don't know weather or not it suits me - I'mean if other people think it suits me. But I like it a lot.

Walking home from the bus I meet two of the people who live in my apartmentbuilding. We talked a bit. NO ONE mentioned my new hairstyle, but there is no doubt that they saw it. Just acted like it didn't existed. I know that I'm not like most people. But at least I know what is wrong with me and I try to act to make up for that, even if I don't always succed. In my opinion theese people are a lot more odd than I ever will be. They are just funny people, I dont get them at all! I don't like them very much, I stay away as much as I can. The ability to be alone is my greatest strength but also my curse.

One of the persons I meet today, gets my paper everyday. I pay 161 swedish krones each month for the paper and he gets it for free each day. I don't mind it. I've read it and he can use it. It's okay. The thing I didn't like was when he gave me a plant as thank you. It wasn't the flower itself but the big deal he made of it. Like I should be so greatful for it. No I don't get those people. I'm better of away from those people.

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I have a dentists drill in my soul. I have had it for a long time now. It's in there wibrating and hurting me all the time. I can't focus in on it. I can't really say what the anxiety is about. It just hurts. I am so scared about the future, about my life. I am so scared and it almoste make me apahtic. But I live in world made of wax, but I survive somehow and I don't know why. I think that is odd.

Blog day 1.
I live in a world made of wax. It it gets to hot it will melt. If it gets to cold it crumbles to dust. My life needs a constant balans. However most of the time my life is unbalansed and threatens to destroy me. But somehow I survive - and I really don't know why. I think that is really odd.