THE FAIROAKS AIRPORT MASSACRE

Now one of the most infamous tales from our mystery man, the time he foiled a plot to wipe out an entire planeload of passengers whilst they were checking in at Fairoaks International Airport in the United Kingdom. As usual we'll let our man take up the story.

"Well I thought it was about time I made one of my many international trips, you know I was running low on cheap fags, booze, and spy gear. So there I am in WH Smith's thumbing through the magazines and reading them for free when I noticed a copy of The West Bank Times sitting on the bottom shelf. I don't normally pay the paper much attention, after all Smith's seemed to have had the same copy in for ages, they never seem to be able to sell it, and besides there's always some Jewboy reading it, hey we don't like paying if we don't have to. Anyway my eyes are drawn to the headline on the front page 'New Budget Airline to start at Fairoaks'. I thought that looked interesting so before anybody else can, I pick up the paper and read the article. Seems like this new airline - Brianair -are planning to run trips to lots of places you've never heard of like Munich, Berlin, Prague, what's more you can do it for only half a Dinari (Plus any taxes or fees). Wow I thought, this is for me.

So I sent off my reservation to their office in downtown Jerusalem, and much to my delight a few weeks later I get my tickets and a book telling me how to fly the plane, man this was certainly low budget I thought but no problem, in my spare time I was the Israeli air force's sole ace pilot, flying passengers should be a breeze. I was interested to note that there was no destination stated on the ticket, you obviously went wherever you fancied. I knew then that this was the airline for me.

As we approached the airport it was strangely quiet, no traffic about and no planes moving. Of course at the time Fairoaks was new in the international air travel market, so maybe word was slow getting round, which was surprising as I know The West Bank Times is a must read newspaper for Jews. As I looked onto the airport I saw the plane, it had fresh paint on the side and my first reaction was that those bloody graffiti vandals had got in and 'done' the plane. Then as I focussed I realised that Brianair was a new airline and must have just taken delivery of the thing. Efficient I thought, getting their Logo on straight away.

As we cycled up to the departure area it was still strangely quiet. I was expecting loads of taxis and buses to be dropping off excited passengers. Maybe I was just early, which was good as the earlier you check in on these budget airlines the more likely you are to be in the first scramble for seats, and I was really keen to fly the plane. As I walked into the check in area something hit me. No it wasn't a door, but the feeling that something terrible was about to happen, then I saw him in the shadows and recognised the signs immediately. I could make out the towel he was wearing on his head, and I saw the rifle barrel in his hands. As my training had taught me, I rolled under a bench noticing that at that time my Chauffeur was bringing in my saddlebags. Blimey these guys would do anything for a tip I thought. As he entered, he stopped and looked at the man in the shadows, he seemed to freeze. At this instance the Raghead raised his hands, as if he was about to take aim. I shouted to the Chauffeur "Throw me the gun, I can get a head shot from here" however the coward that he was he just put the bags down and ran. I had no option now but to use the Israeli Army bagel I always carried for emergencies. In one movement I took it out of my pocket and aimed it at the Raghead's head. I was an ace shot with the bagel, I didn't win the Ben Gurion Trophy for bagel throwing for nothing. The Raghead dropped to the ground as my bagel found its target. I rushed over to disarm him and gloat over his body. As I got nearer I realised I may have acted in haste, in error I had taken out the airport's seikh cleaner who was mopping the floor......Hang on.....Benny.....turn the tape recorder off......this ain't right....."

So there you have it, the passengers at Fairoaks had been spared the fate that befell those at El Al check in desks at Rome and Vienna due to the quick thinking of our mystery man. The cleaning company awarded our man The Golden Duster for saving them some money in redundancy pay, as they'd been looking for a way to get rid of a long time employee on the cheap. Brianair never did take off, not many people who booked were willing to fly the plane, and in an oversight they'd forgotten to put that in their conditions of carriage. It cost them at least 50 shekels in refunds and sent them under.