Mood:  loud

F*ck me have I really been away that long...mind you them wankers at Arsenal still haven't managed to score since my last entry.

Anyway, what have I been up to...not much. I went to Krautland to see if I could get Benny out of the jail...but he's gone underground and apparently enjoying his new life as a station assistant. I've also done a stint as an advisor to the Royal Bank of Scotland's chairman...the c*nt didn't take any notice of me and invest in building companies on the Gaza strip...serves him right as to what happened since. Of course my fellow yids have held an election...my role in that will have to remain a mystery until I'm gone.

When I get more time I'll type some more.

 Shalom

Mood:  happy

So back to work today, and it's been a bit unusual. First off I've had my Uzi taken away from me, which now means I only have my hand to hand combat skills to protect me against angry patients. Then I find I've been allocated a new trolley, my modified one with the kevlar armour plating, the sports wheels, and the go faster stipe down the side has been placed in storage, so now I have one of those shitty bog standard NHS ones, and the c*nting wheels like a Lidl supermarket trolley have a mind of their own, I've rammed at least three patients into a wall so far today.

Got a message from Benny, he is hoping to get bail today and be released from the Bavarian hellhole he has been banged up in. He reckons alleged sausage worriers get a hard time of it in Kraut jails, as the sausage is of course regarded almost as highly by them as the Bagel is by us Jewboys, so I bet he hasn't even showered since he's been in there...although that'll be nothing new for him...reckons he's saving the planet by saving water...smelly bastard.

The big match yesterday was a bit of a disappointment wasn't it. Still a draw was a fair result from what I could see, which wasn't much as the house opposite - that has SKY - didn't properly open their curtains so I was a bit limited on what I could focus on with my Israeli Army binoculars, although I'm not sure they are the real deal, unless our glorious forces have annexed part of China.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

I write this from the basement of the safe house. It seems I may have upset one or two people for some reason, can't put my finger on it, I'm always diplomatic and polite, just ask those who know my true identity although if you do ring Tel Aviv, they get pretty pissed off if you reverse the charges.

Same old crap today, sneaked out to pick up a dozen bagels. Didn't bother with the reunion last night as I noticed there was one of those classic movies starring Shirley Temple...had a bit of a crush on her when I was younger, but I was only three then, so don't accuse me of being anything like Gazza Glitter. The Good Ship Lollipop is one of my all time favourite songs. I find it sums up the current state of the Israeli Navy nicely, it's been drifting a bit in recent years, ever since I gave up the job of Grand Admiral to deliver Milk Tray.

I'm going to settle back later and watch Fulham/Chelsea take on Maccabi Tel Aviv. I always get divided loyalties when this game is on, but I guess deep down my heart will be with the Stamford Bridge Cottagers...and NO, not that sort of cottager! What are those c*nts going to do once plastic bags have been abolished? I think some research into that is long overdue.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

OK, just a quickie to show I'm still alive and with it. I got word that I'll be allowed back to work on Monday as it looks like that bloke I shot will live. Lucky it happened at the hospital I suppose, the f*cking time it would take for an Ambulance to arrive is shameful...unless I'm driving it that is.

The council seemed to have backed off a bit too, after I explained that I put the remains of the illegal who'd been cutting my grass into the appropriate recycling container...they're happy now, I think they were worried I'd put him out with the glass and plastic stuff.

Not much else to say which is unusual for me, tonight I might venture out into the old East End. There's a reunion of the Krays firm down at the Blind Beggar, and I think I'll drop by at the scene of one of my favourite memories. I'd never cycled down the Whitechapel Road as fast as I did that night, plus then it wasn't like a f*cking scene out of the f*cking audition for Miss Muslim 2008, what'll be the f*cking point of ID cards with them eh, all you can see is their eyes, and if it happens to be sunny the c*nts would be wearing sunglasses...wouldn't happen if I was in charge let me tell you.

Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

You know, just after I posted that thing up on here yesterday I remembered that I'd been threatening to do that for a while. So to any dodgy Russians/Nigerians or any other c*nt who's reading...LEAVE MY F*CKING E-MAIL ADDRESS ALONE!

Anyway I'm a bit pissed off today as I got chucked off of that training course. Not that it was up to much anyway, poncing about sticking plasters and blowing into dolls, if I wanted to do that I can do that in the privacy of my own safe house with a nice little model I picked up on my last trip to Tooting...mind you some of the leaks could probably do with sorting out so the plasters will come in useful. The crunch came though when my instincts took over...not my fault they used one of the Arab maintenance guys as a demonstration piece for a head bandage...my training kicked in and I thought I was back at an airport again so I whipped out my Uzi and let him have it...I'm out of practice though so the bullet just glanced his head...now the HR geezer has suspended me until he can work out why I keep an Uzi in my underwear although I told him I've always kept a weapon in there...that mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it might have to make an appearance.

I heard from Benny, not that I'm proud that one of my old Army mates is in trouble for sausage worrying, but he's a mate none the less. He reckons the Krauts will let him out soon and probably ship him back here. Great, the dozy twonk can come and sort out those dodgy links on the page...it's not good for my reputation you know.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

I can't be arsed to write anything today...but I will post this e-mail from a kind African gentleman who has offered to make me a millionaire. I don't need the money as I have a Mossad sponsored bank account, but if anyone else wants to take advantage of this wonderful offer...well read on and you too can make someone rich.

Mood:  irritated

When I was working undercover on an Underground railway somewhere in London, one of the things that always pissed me off was the fact I never got to go on any training courses. OK that's not strictly true, I did get a chance to give everyone the benefit of my experience by sharing my stories of building and blowing up pipelines in the Middle East but that's another tale.

Anyway, today I finally get some much needed NHS`training in. Due to staff shortages, us trolley pushers are being called in to help out all those highly paid Doctors and Nurses and do some of the more basic stuff in A&E like amputations. Now you lot who actually take the time to take your laptop to the bog and read this crap, will know that I am no stranger to the operating theatre, I got plenty of practice in when I was in the MASH unit during the six day war, so I'm hoping we go beyond sticking a plaster on someone and maybe get into advanced organ transplantation. Always fancied having a crack at something like a Kidney transplant, and as I carry my Israeli army knife around with me at all times, I know I'll always be fully prepared.

Did you see that c*nt Boris Johnson at the Olympics...what a twonk...has he never waved a f*cking flag before...maybe next time he should ask me for a few lessons before 2012...I am always remembered in the homeland for single handedly raising the Israeli flag above the Edgware Road in 1975...those Yank bastards will have you thinking that they did it first at Iwo Jima...don't you believe them.

Shalom

Mood:  crushed out

Did you see the closing ceremony of the Olympics? With all those fireworks it looked like a Saturday night down on the Gaza strip. Happy memories for me.

Sometimes I wonder what you c*nts who read this are smoking. Sure ain't an ordinary Benson I should imagine...in fact if I were to take a guess it might even be illegal. I got an e-mail yesterday from one of you telling me that as suggested he'd asked for Moshe at Woolworths but just got a blank stare...what should he do now as he is really interested in becoming a covert operative with an elite Jewish security agency. Well listen up you twonk...your first mistake was going to Woolworths ...come on have you ever spoken to a member of their staff and got anything other than a blank expression? That fleet of mustard coloured buses doesn't line up outside the place without a reason. Your second mistake was asking for Moshe on a Saturday. He's a f*cking red sea pedestrian so of course he doesn't work Saturdays! Your third mistake was listening to me in the first place...do you really think I'd tell you how to apply to join this elite agency...next thing you know they'd be a f*cking thousand Polish plumbers trying to join...do some f*cking research...Goggle is a wonderful search engine.

In other news, my good mate Paul Gadd has asked me for some assistance, seems he wants to buy a new laptop but the c*nts in Currys and PC World won't sell him one. Well while I have access to all sorts of aliases and dodgy accounts, they are reserved solely for my contacts with the makers of Pepsi Max and Milk Tray, and with mr Gadd's dubious background, I'm more likely to be asked to help him out at an airport if you know what I mean...which if you're an avid reader you will do.

Shalom

Mood:  lyrical

Lots of you want me to shut the f*ck up about Gary Glitter. A R. Etard from the USA wrote to me with this observation.

"I have checked the video of The Glitter Band from the 1970's as you suggested. Not only is there nobody standing behind the guy with the Star shaped guitar, but not one of the band are wearing the made to measure suits you keep on about. I think you're full of bullshit!"

Well you c*nt, maybe you yanks get different Top Of The Pops from us, and what the f*ck makes you think I'd wear my made to measure airport security outfit...just for the occasion, I had glitter sprinkled on it so I'd fit in...f*cking Americans...I'm going to do some digging around on Youtube, I'll prove you wrong...c*nt.

I haven't been to the Synagogue for a while, and I couldn't be arsed today either...place is full of w*nkers making out they've got religion, and since that c*nt started parking his bus out there, there has been nowhere to chain my bike. I don't know what they did about the Rabbi situation, and that's possibly the only reason I'd go back.

One other little thing, seems I've pissed off the council by laying the odd landmine in my garden and they want me to remove them. All because some illegal who was cutting the grass stepped on one. I did give the dope the map so he could avoid them, not my fault the c*nt couldn't read hebrew!

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Just a quickie today as I'm off to Fairoaks to pick up someone and I suspect it's going to take a while.

Didn't go down the pub in the end, decided to use the local corner store instead where Mr Patel will sell you anything you want for a price. I am a regular in there, so he always has some Pepsi Max and Milk Tray on ice for me, and even better he always puts aside the copy of the West Bank Times so I get to read it before anyone else. He hasn't said it, but I bet if I asked for a couple of Uzi clips he'd get them out from under the counter. Mind you he is a thieving bastard when it comes to the price for a packet of fags, are they really 10 quid a packet now? Just shows you how lucky I've been with all the duty frees I've been getting.

I will answer a query from someone who is obviously an avid reader of this crap. I was asked if I really picked up a Mossad application form in Woolworth's, and if so, how come they don't do them now. Well I'm not going to give away too many secrets, but you need to head into the 'pick n mix' section and ask for Moshe...although whether he still works there now or not I don't know...he was an old c*nt back then so he's probably a stiff by now...but even if he's not, I'm sure it'll be worth it watching the 16 year old school leaver who got nine GCSE's at grade A dig around the toffees...she'll probably think they're like Werther originals or something...the choice of every self respecting kiddie fiddler going...and talking of that I'd better hit the road.

Shalom

Mood:  loud

Not long after I finished tapping away yesterday I heard that the Glitterman was on his way to Hong Kong. Cool I thought, f*cking good duty free shopping there, I wonder if he'll pick up 200 Benson for me. Well no chance of that, as the dozy kiddie fiddling c*nt didn't even make it to the duty free shop...twonk. So looks like I'll have to sneak off down the pub in the minute to see if anyone has done a booze cruise lately. I hate going down the f*cking pub, unlike the days when I went out with The Krays and the Richardsons, I can't really handle my booze anymore, one Shandy and I'm all over the f*cking place. It's times like that I'm glad I have the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it.

Some of you have pointed out that some of the links don't work on the page. Well if that w*nker Benny hadn't got caught Sausage worrying in Germany, I'd get it sorted. As it is, you'll just have to put up with them for a while longer, I'm too busy saving the world and breaking into women's bedrooms with boxes of chocolates to give a shit about some linking bullshit!

OK, I'm out of here. I won't tell you which pub I'm going to, sort of give away where the Safe House is, and don't think because there's a VW Beetle in the car park that's where I'm at...I might use my undercover car.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

So what do you lot think of this Gary Glitter malarky then? I was on standby to go out there and bring the kiddie fiddler c*nt back, but El Al don't fly from Fairoaks to Bangkok and no way are Mossad stumping up for British Airways. There is also a conflict of interest as well, because back in the 70's me and Gazza were drinking buddies. I've never told anybody before, but I was actually in the Glitter Band. Think back to Top Of The Pops in the 70's...see the geezer in the back with the Star Shaped guitar...well I'm just behind him to the left. Thinking about it now, I think the paedo bastard was just using me to get his pictures developed with no problems. Mossad have a no questions asked policy, so probably thought we were getting the photos done to stitch up some Arab politician or something, although with those greasy bastards pictures of Donkeys would be more useful. Anyway, he sort of lost interest when we outsourced that stuff to Truprint, and even declined my computer expertise when his laptop went on the blink...I bet the c*nt wishes he'd taken me up on this offer now eh...teach him to use PC World!

Of course another trip would have been useful as I've been pretty busy behind the bins and need some more fags. The Olympics have a couple more days to run...wonder if they've had the Bagel tossing yet...better call Tel Aviv and find out.

 Shalom

Mood:  irritated

F*cking 'ell, got a call on the Tel Aviv hotline, Mossad needed someone in Georgia pronto, they are a bit concerned about there top secret stick on beard shop being taken out. So I ring up the Mossad travel agent in Tottenham, and he gets me on the first flight to Georgia. All I can say is C*NT! I thought something looked a bit odd when I landed, all those planes with Delta written on the side. It was only when I got out of the airport I realised that the dozy Twonk had sent me to Georgia alright, but the f*cking one in the USA...now I know Atlanta is a bit rough, but it's not that rough...well as far as I know they don't have any ruskie tanks driving around the streets.

Anyway managed to evade all the CIA geezers knocking around the place and got myself on the same plane back to Fairoaks. I suppose the good thing is that I clocked up a few airmiles, and got some duty free in...I'll be a popular bloke round by the bins for the next few days I can tell you although I think they're only in it to ponce fags off me, and I had enough of that when I was working for the Underground railway somewhere in London.

OK, short and sweet today, I've got to ring Ali the travel agent and call him a c*nt...no f*cking idea of world geography these blokes, but he's cheap so I guess that's why Mossad use him.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Now I'm finally back in the real world, I have the chance to catch up with some of the crap you reprobates have been e-mailing me. Now believe it or not, among the Nigerians, Russians, and Penguins from Antartica who have all been trying to catch me out with their very kind offers to make me a millionaire, there is the odd little gem which makes me go into my bombproof office here in The Safe House, and dig out a file from my safe which is of course standard Mossad issue and is shaped like a big carton of Bensons. One such question came from someone asking about Jill Dando.

I remember this case perfectly. At the time I was working undercover on an Underground Railway somewhere in London. I happened to be on rest days that week, and I guess it was natural for the Law to think it was a professional job, so they did come knocking on my door...working undercover means you try and fit in with everyone else...I even stopped wearing black for a while. Anyway I refused to talk to anyone but MI 6, and I was forced to show the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it to some wet behind the ears copper. Shit scared he was when he realised who he was talking to, but I put him at ease with my tales of drinking with The Krays and Frankie Fraser down the Blue Oyster in Ramsgate. To cut a long story short, I persuaded them to focus on the local oddball and pervert, but in the end they went after some geezer called Barry George, bet they wished they'd listened to me eh. Who did kill Jill Dando? I haven't a f*cking clue, I had to go back on nights and sort of lost track of events but it was good to see it all come back in the news recently...I haven't watched Crimewatch since though.

 Shalom

Mood:  don't ask

A few of you herberts asked me why I'm not in the Olympics this year, well I thought I'd made that clear to you c*nts yesterday...I have to let other people have a chance at gold. Anyone who is as deadly as me with a gun, or a bike, shouldn't be allowed to compete. As for that Michael Phelps character...even with my habit of 50 Bensons a day I'd still beat him easily...although I do have the distinct advantage of being able to walk on water. I must admit though I am impressed with his achievement, those f*cking ears of his must really screw up his aerodynamics. In seriousness though I probably won't compete until Trolley pushing is an olympic sport, I'm already in training for that.

As I'm hooked on the Olympics it was an early trip down the Bagel Bake this morning...I'm beginning to feel a bit out of place down the Bethnal Green Road these days, lucky I have the ability to communicate fluently in 250 different languages...Mossad really prepare you for the real world. Still I'm looking forward to the 24th century, if Star Trek is to believed, everyone speaks English, although it will put a few language teaching c*nts on the dole...tough shit...that's progress.

Someone else was kind enough to suggest that maybe I should write in to one of those home makeover shows for the Safe House. I'm not sure that's a good idea. First off everyone will know where I live, which defeats the purpose of a Safe House in the first place, and second I'm having no dizzy tart telling me where to shove my floral curtains. I'm happy where they are thanks, plus they hide my Uzi collection.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

I know, I know, I don't need you c*nts to tell me. I've been a bit lacking in the updates for a while. My so called mate Benny was meant to do it for me, but the dozy bastard finally got caught doing obscene things with a Bratwurst on a trip to Nurnberg. The Krauts have locked him up for a while and I'm not going to get him out, I've got better things to do.

You may have noticed that I'm not in the Israeli/Swiss/GB team for the Olympics. I guess I thought it was about time I let some other c*nt win a few medals, there are only so many Platinum medals you can win, I didn't even take part in the Tour De France, I'm getting a bit pissed off wearing yellow all the time. Instead I've spent the summer honing my trolley pushing skills and doing some part time work as Gordon Brown's PR man, and you can see how successful I've been at that...I'm really in demand on that front, Mugabe and the Chinks are also interested.

The new safe house is coming along nicely although B&Q and Homebase didn't come through with some of the stuff I asked for...I mean what sort of shitty organisation doesn't let you buy razor wire and landmines online. Still being an international man of mystery means I've got a few contacts in the industry if you know what I mean, so woe betide any c*nting burgalar who tries to step on my newly laid lawn...I just hope that if it ever happens though that the wanker is an Arab.

Anyway it's the start of the Football season today so I'm off to watch Fulham/Chelsea/Leyton Orient start their Premier League campaigns, then I'll be of to do some boat watching on the Thames. A Spanish mate of mine reckons that the Chinese Aircraft Carrier - the Mao Tse Tung - is going to be sailing down the Thames and they've got to raise London Bridge to let it park outside Parliament...this is classified info by the way, so keep it to yourselves.

 Shalom

Mood:  mischievious

Well my updates are few and far between at the moment, NHS cutbacks are limiting me, we only have a couple of Internet capable PC's in the place now. They discovered that the staff had been searching for Porn, people with large ears, and some c*nt had been trying log into the network of an elite Israeli security agency...wonder who that was?

Anyway, the Tel Aviv hotline rang during the week, and they wanted me to head out to Washington to do a bit of pre-security for the Pope. Now you lot might think this bloke is a Catholic, but have you seen that skull cap he wears? Definitely means he's Jewish in my opinion, that's why Mossad do a bit of undercover security for him. I must admit I was surprised, I didn't know the Pope was up in Geordieland, but when my plane tickets arrived I realised it wasn't the Washington up north, but some place in America. Glad the bastards put me on El Al too, didn't fancy British Airways, they might have lost my Uzi.

So here I am, sitting in some hotel in Washington called The Salvation Army. Don't think much of the other guests to be honest, not sure they're all kosher, but there's an office building across the road that has a wi-fi connection I can tap into, I guess that's why Mossad picked it, free Internet access. I'm going to hit the town later on, won't need to worry about eating though, this place lays on an edilble meal three times a day, and it's all included. I need to do check out all the routes the Pope is going to use...more later.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Apologies for going missing for so long. Benny couldn't tell you where I was because I was on an extremely sensitive mission, that required not only tact and diplomacy, for which I am world famous, but also required the use of all the blades on my Israeli Army knife...yep I've been helping out counting the votes in Zimbabwe. I did think about running there myself, would have been easy to slip myself onto the ballot paper and grab a couple of million votes, but I don't like the f*cking weather there, it's too hot, plus you can't grab a decent Bagel. Also walking round the streets, it reminded me of a recruitment drive for train cleaners, I swear I'd seen some of those blokes before.

It's nice to be home, and even better the weather is great ain't it? I love snow as it gives me the chance to show off my skiing ability, although I did get the odd look as I sped down Tooting High Street this morning on my way to the Bagel Bake. It was a bit frustrating in parts though, as some c*nt had obviously tried to clear the piste a bit too much. Why can't the f*cking councils train their staff properly, you need a nice layer of ice on the road to make skiing easier.

Anyway later on I'm off to carry the Olympic torch, I really couldn't give a f*ck about Tibet so I'm looking forward to it. It's great that someone actually recognises the fact that I won the only Platinum medal ever awarded back in 1966 at the Tel Aviv winter olympics. All those c*nts I work with think I'm making it up because they can't find it in the record books, not my fault that nobody else showed up because they all went to f*cking Japan a couple of years earlier. Carrying the torch has the added bonus of me not having to try and ponce a light off of anyone when I fancy a fag. So if you want to cheer me on...make your way down to Motspur Park, I'll be the one in the black outfit and the Uzi.

Shalom

The Mossad censors will still not allow me to tell you what our man is up to, but I'm sure you all read the papers and know what's going on in Gazza. Once it's all sorted out, I'm sure we'll have some exciting new tales to hear, plus he'll have a supply of duty free fags to get through so will have plenty of time to hang around by the bins regaling people with them.

Until then I shall take the odd five minutes away from washing shirts of a brown colour to keep you up to date as much as I'm allowed.

Heil Hilter

Benny

Mood:  not sure

Well unfortunately, just like that famous scrounger from the Royal family who has just returned from an all expenses paid hoiliday in Afghanistan, the Mystery Man is also away on an operation which cannot be spoken about in Newcastle...which is probably rougher when you think about it. So it falls to me - Benny - to keep things ticking over while he's gone.

Now not being as verbose as our Man, I'm sitting here racking my brains for something to say that won't offend Jews, Muslims or anyone else...well I've been hitting the Schnapps so that's a waste of my time. I am expecting radio contact at some stage today so hopefully will be allowed to fill you in with some of the operational details tomorrow.

Heil Hilter

Benny