So This Is Christmas
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Father Christmas
Ho f*cking Ho, if I have to say that one more time when some f*cking obnoxious little brat throws up on me I'll think I'll go berserk in the local shopping centre. This morning the Duty Trolley Manager thought it'd be a nice touch for one of us to do the Rolf Harris bit on Christmas day and dish out a little Christmas cheer while dressed up in some dodgy red outfit. My name came out of the hat apparently (I wasn't there so I can't be certain it wasn't fixed), so I've spent the morning trooping around the corridors go ho f*cking ho every five minutes and laughing every time somebody tugs at the false beard I've been given. I was also given a lot of plastic tat to dish out to the kids.
This Christmas lark has always bothered me. First off if this Santa geezer is so secretive why the f*ck does he dress in a bright red outfit, that's not the way clandestine operatives work. How the f*ck does the fat bastard get down chimneys and through air conditioning systems? Where's he get all the money to pay for all the crap he gives away, and last but not least how the f*ck does he get reindeer to move that fast? Mossad have missed a trick or two here let me tell you, maybe instead of trying to infiltrate anti Jewish organisations and bumping off prominent Arabs and ex Nazis, the talents of Mossad would be put to better use working all of this out. Solve this mystery and we could rule the world plus take a healthy cut of the profits.
Also all this fuss for some Jewish geezer's birthday? Don't remember anyone going to all this extreme to celebrate mine, but thinking about it that's not a bad idea. It would be easier to work out who I am if there were banners everywhere marking the occasion, and for a secret operative like me, keeping low is for the best.
Anyway, even though I've not always been a good boy it's still nice that Santa still thinks of me. This morning when I leapt out of bed to shove a Bagel in the microwave, I found he'd left me a brand new clip for my Uzi, a Kevlar helmet, and an old PLO codebook signed by Yassar Arafat.
So for those of you not stuffed with Turkey and booze, have a happy Christmas, and don't end up in casualty as I'm in a bad mood and I can't guarantee your safety. Ho f*cking Ho.

Shalom