Mood:  not sure

Apologies for going missing for so long. Benny couldn't tell you where I was because I was on an extremely sensitive mission, that required not only tact and diplomacy, for which I am world famous, but also required the use of all the blades on my Israeli Army knife...yep I've been helping out counting the votes in Zimbabwe. I did think about running there myself, would have been easy to slip myself onto the ballot paper and grab a couple of million votes, but I don't like the f*cking weather there, it's too hot, plus you can't grab a decent Bagel. Also walking round the streets, it reminded me of a recruitment drive for train cleaners, I swear I'd seen some of those blokes before.

It's nice to be home, and even better the weather is great ain't it? I love snow as it gives me the chance to show off my skiing ability, although I did get the odd look as I sped down Tooting High Street this morning on my way to the Bagel Bake. It was a bit frustrating in parts though, as some c*nt had obviously tried to clear the piste a bit too much. Why can't the f*cking councils train their staff properly, you need a nice layer of ice on the road to make skiing easier.

Anyway later on I'm off to carry the Olympic torch, I really couldn't give a f*ck about Tibet so I'm looking forward to it. It's great that someone actually recognises the fact that I won the only Platinum medal ever awarded back in 1966 at the Tel Aviv winter olympics. All those c*nts I work with think I'm making it up because they can't find it in the record books, not my fault that nobody else showed up because they all went to f*cking Japan a couple of years earlier. Carrying the torch has the added bonus of me not having to try and ponce a light off of anyone when I fancy a fag. So if you want to cheer me on...make your way down to Motspur Park, I'll be the one in the black outfit and the Uzi.

Shalom