Shoot to kill
Mood:  chatty
Ok, Mossad lovers, just a quickie today as I'm off down to the park to perch in a tree and try out my sniping skills.
Briefly popped into the hospital today but the Barcode trial got cancelled. Apparently a busload of Newcastle fans found their way into the building and confused the hell out of the system.
The Tour of Cricklewood is looming large and this year an extra element has been added which is why I've gotta try out my rifle. We now have to take out three people with a headshot while on the move. There will be bonus points if you hit certain people. I'm looking forward to it.
Ok, time to don my bushy looking outfit.
Shalom

Friday
Mood:  loud
So it's finally the end of the week, at least for most of the lazy so and so's who read this. I will be busy pushing trollies around though, we're testing out the new barcoding thing this weekend.
I have been asked who are the Ronnie and Reggie I refer to from time to time. Well my answer is how many Ronnie and Reggie's have you heard of? To give you a clue my memories are of a smokey East London Billiard hall, pubs, protection rackets etc. One particular incident stands out when Ronnie and me went to some pub in Whitechapel, I'll leave that to Benny to detail on the forthcoming website. Also how do you think I got me tickets to the 1966 World Cup Final? Ronnie knew a guy who had a few spares, Bobby Moore I think his name was.
Got some more videos of my exploits to watch, it really is a pain that Hollywood have gone to such trouble to make movies of my life without consulting me. I've already mentioned Who Dares Wins, but there are others such as The Great Escape, Raid On Entebbe, and The Longest Day which is supposedly about D-Day but is really based on my single handed invasion of Egypt when I crossed the Nile on a LiLo. I'm sure Benny will mention that too.
Ok, got to clean my sniper's kit.
Shalom

Lies, Lies, Lies
Mood:  chatty
Enjoyed Who Dares Wins, ended up watching it about five times so a late night last night. As I said yesterday some of the best action movies are based on my exploits, although for the sake of protecting my identity lots of details - such as location, time, actual event - are changed.
When I got up this morning there was a programme on about the Walt Disney World monorail. I remember when I gave Walt the idea for it. I told him why spend money on two tracks when you can get away with just one. Canny people us Jews eh? He put me in charge of the project, so next time you go to Orlando, remember it was my idea. Walt did turn down a couple of my ideas though, egged on by my mates Ronnie and Reggie, I tried to convince Walt that Main Street USA would be more realistic if we could organise a protection racket down there. For some reason he didn't like that idea.
I think I spotted that window cleaning bloke again today in out patients. He didn't have his fax machine with him. He obviously decided that it probably wasn't so lucky after all. I've managed to sweet talk one of the girls in records to give me his details. Well with everything else I've got going on I don't have time to clean my windows.
Shalom

Three Wheels on my Trolley
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Who Dares Wins
Quiet day today, did some training for the upcoming Tour of Cricklewood and have also been digging through my treasure trove of memories...is that really me sitting there with Ronnie and Reggie? They were good times.
The trolley department at the hospital is still being restructured and I'm thinking about becoming a team leader (Trolley). I have vast leadership experience for that role, particularly when I won the Six Day War single handedly but they'll be more of that on Benny's new webpage, once the lazy git actually gets around to doing it.
Duty free fag supply is running low, I'll need to have a word with Benson and Hedges down the synagogue, I think they have a stash underneath the Rabbi's altar.
Ok, more later, got a video to watch now - Who Dares Wins - which I believe is loosely based on my exploits. I really need to get a good lawyer on the case, as this isn't the only example...Cockleshell Heroes, Raid on Entebbe, Munich just to name a few.
Shalom

Laptop Loving
Mood:  irritated
Slowly getting used to typing my own stuff, but at the speed I type, it's taking me all day to write these entries. Oh to be able to write this in code, just like those things I used to write in the past when I was in a shell hole in Korea. Maybe my mate Bill Gates will stump up for a few typing lessons.
Hospital life is downright boring compared to my all action past. You wheel one body down a corridor, you've wheeled hundreds. There is no scope for dealing with terrorists, mixing with gangsters and general hobnobbing with the great and good like I used to. Now I've got some smelly old bat to push around who wants to talk to me about her cat Tiddles, what the f*** do I care! So you may ask yourself, how did a super all action hero like me, end up in a place like this? I'll come to all that in time, but to learn that you'll need to read about my past. To this end, Benny Slibowitz is putting together a few pages detailing my life's story which he plans to post on a website in the next couple of weeks. Once it's up and running I'll let you know here.
I've also been asked if I can respond to questions which you may have, so there is now an e-mail address you can write to, it's mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk.If the information isn't classified, I'll share it with you.
Ok, my fingers are getting sore, this is bloody hard work, maybe I should let someone else do the typing.
Shalom

Technophobe
Mood:  chatty
Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, I managed to get myself a cheap computer at the Mossad surplus sale, so I've now decided to try and do this myself, even more so since I think my previous writer was prone to a bit of exaggeration.
Had problems at first, the computer said it was wireless, so imagine my surprise when nothing happened when I turned it on. Benny pointed out I should plug the power lead into a plug. So I've been conned by another ridiculous claim, how can it be wireless when you have to plug it in?
Benny - who is a bit of a whizz with computers - showed me how to update this thing myself. It's great, now I can tell you about my times with the Kray twins, World Cup 1966, etc without having to worry about some git putting in details just to dress up the thing. What you read is what happened.
So what else is new. Went to the Fulham-Chelsea match as the personal guest of that bloke who runs Harrods. He has been very nice to me ever since I taught one of his drivers some defensive driving skills. Shame he got into an argument with a wall in Paris. Now if I'd taught him advanced defensive driving, he would have been able to get away with a drink or two before setting out. Match was crap to tell the truth, but seeing as I support both sides I was always on a winner.
Another new thing at work, seeing as the trolleys are getting barcodes, the new boss has decided we should get them as well so our movements can be checked too. Seems a bit much to me, don't know why they can't use tattooed numbers like in the past. Still as he pointed out, this way we won't have to have an ID card dangling on our chest so it's not all bad.
Ok, my computer is making a funny noise, better get on to Benny and let him take a look.
Shalom

Supermarket Sweep
Mood:  chatty
Just a quick update. The fastest VW in the west was finally collected this morning. the much promised air filter arrived by the back of a van rather than the much promised cruise missle. Apparently the yanks sent it to an address in Baghdad by mistake.
Benny and I are off down the synagogue in a minute, we're not good jews but somebody says they've got a Mossad surplus sale going on, and I can't miss out on that.
Not much else to say, might go to see Fulham/Chelsea later on if I can find one of my film star mates to get me into the ground for free. Not sure if Sophia Loren or Kirk Douglas are in town. Time to get out my famous book of numbers and ring around.
Anyway Benny's just parked his Trabant outside so it's time to go. I'll see if I can get an update later.
Shalom

Bloody St Patrick's day
Mood:  chatty
Top O' The Morning to ya. Blimey am I sick of hearing that today. Why does everybody think they're bloody Irish or something today? Lots of people wearing green and wearing watercress on their lapels. One of the more intelligent guys at work says it's something to do with St Patrick's day. Who the bloody hell was he? Well I'll get my own back you'll see, wait until it's St Moshe's day, I'll make 'em all wear an eye patch for the day and go around saying shalom. We'll see how they like it.
The new boss here has shown us a new organisation chart. Apparently we are to become part of a new department called the Directorate of Movement Management Services or DMMS. They're are going to split us up into two grades, Trolley Mover (TM) and Advance Trolley Mover (ATM) for those who do the operating theatre run. The supervisor has a new job title Duty Trolley Manager (DTM). For some reason those abbreviations are familiar. My old brain must be slowing down, maybe all that top secret stuff and memories are clogging up my memory.
Not many plans for the weekend at the moment, but in my line of work you never know when you'll get the call either to push a trolley or carry out some sort of political assassination or just enforce a protection racket. Mind you I might strike it lucky in the raffle and win the latest Englebert Humperdinck album, "Songs to avoid paying rent by"
Anyway, if the battery in my phone holds out, I'll add more later

Off your trolley
Mood:  chatty
Well is it really Thursday already, time flies by when you're pushing these trolley things about.
That window cleaning guy from the other week is still bothering me. Someone said he was trying to steal a fax machine, it wasn't his lucky charm like he claimed. All I know is that claiming to be a window cleaner is the oldest trick in the Mossad housebreaking book, and that guy was no Mossad man let me tell you.
Took the fastest VW in the west for a service today, apparently they need a special oil filter and they have arranged for the US Air Force to drop one in on a cruise missle. Of course they're not totally daft, the missle will have no detonator.
The editor of this blog has asked me if I'd mind recalling some of my old stories as part of the blog. I thought my life was interesting enough without me having to dress things up. He also told me that there appears to be some interest as we are getting a number of page views per day. We'll be selling tee shirts next.
Anyway more later, I've got to look out for that cruise missle.

Dry cleaners
Mood:  chatty
Went and picked up my black outfit from the local dry cleaners. The gits had managed to damage it somehow, and the Mossad logo has fallen off the chest. Looks like they'll be some arguing about it now, but I've always the option of calling up a hit squad to deal with them should things get rough. My contacts with the old Kray organisation will come in useful.
Spent most of the day discussing this barcoding thing with the lads. Some of them think it's a big brother is watching you sort of thing. Once they've done it, I'm planning to take one down Tesco's and see how much a trolley costs. Knowing the NHS they wouldn't have bought a value item.
Gotta take the fastest VW in the West for a service tomorrow. Auschwitz Autos in Wimbledon always do a good job, and their customer service is fantastic, they always ask if you want a shower. How thoughtful.
Ok enough for now, gonna watch my video of "Cockleshell Heroes", yet another movie that brings back fond memories.
Til tomorrow

Back to work
Mood:  chatty
Well back to the hospital this morning, see what sort of mess they've managed to get things in since I went away. In my absence they'd appointed a new director of trolley operations, I think it's a pretty well paid job. I didn't apply though, I've always preferred being down in the trenches with the real men.He had us all together this morning and he has got some ideas to take trolley pushing to new heights.
All trolleys are going to get barcodes and will regularly pass little scanners so we can keep track of where they are and have been. In addition some trolleys are going to be fitted with GPS systems so we can navigate around the hospital more efficiently. All this information is going to be entered into a database called TOMAS which stands for Trolley Operation Management And Security. It's only going to cost a few million and will be paid for by getting rid of a few doctors and nurses. Anyway who needs them when I'm around.
The lads have been pestering me for a few souvenirs from my little trip, but seeing as they thought I went to Benidorm that's not surprising. How do I tell them that stuffed donkeys are in short supply in North Korea.
Anyway, need to go, got to pick up my black outfit from the dry cleaners, more later.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Well I made it back to Fairoaks airport in one piece after a pleasant weekend spent shunting with my old mate in North Korea. I must say airport security is pretty different these days, I much preferred it when there was a chance I could take a head shot at some terrorist, all these new measures have taken the fun out of it if you ask me.
I've been sworn to secrecy about the full details of my trip lest some slanty eyed git plant something in my kosher chinese take away,but it was an eye opener I can tell you. It was also interesting to visit one of their hospitals, now you might have thought the stories about them being backward were exaggerated. Well if their hospital trolley technology is a prime example of what they have achieved, well suffice to say they're no threat to anybody.
I see that serbian bloke I captured a few years back shuffled off this mortal coil. I knew it would happen eventually, especially after he turned down my offer to be his bodyguard. Anyway, just a quick update for now, got some duty free fags to smoke, plus I've got a bit of jet lag despite flying at mach 3.
Later

A NOTE FROM THE BLOG EDITOR
As I'm sure you realise, North Korea is a closed society, and our mystery man has been told he cannot take his satellite phone. This means updates to the blog are unlikely until he returns.
He is due to land at Fairoaks airport on Tuesday evening, and time permitting will make an entry then. Failing that look out for a new post on March 15th.
Until he returns, please feel free to leave a few comments, which I'm sure mystery man will take great pleasure in replying to.

Trolley dash
Well there I was yesterday chatting happily away to some old guy in a bed when I noticed something strange. Throughout the three hours I'd been talking he hadn't made any responses at all, I normally get at least a yawn. turns out he was bloody dead! My mates had put a stiff in the bed to see how long it would take me to notice. Ain't they funny?
Well I'm planning a little break this weekend. Turns out I'm not going hunting with Dick Cheney of America. I'm boarding a private flight to North Korea, and I'm actually doing a weekends shunting with North Korean intelligence chief Dik Chay Nee. benny Slibowitz really needs to get his hearing aid checked. It's those bloody Pound shop batteries.
It's going to be nice to get away from pushing trollies around all day, but you meet some characters down the hospital. That window cleaning bloke isn't one of them though. I don't know where he's gone, the bed was empty this morning but he left behind a dirty chamois. I'm gonna keep it, you never know when you need to clean your windows. I might even send it to the lab and get some DNA samples off it. His face still bothers me.
Okay, gotta polish the train keys, shine up me hi-vi and make me way to Fairoaks airport. Now there's a place that brings back memories, I'll tell you about it one day.
Later

It's good to talk
Mood:  chatty
Well managed to get away with nicking some free electricity to charge up me satellite phone. The street light was a little dim overnight, but I don't mind that. Nobody fell over the cable either so I don't think I'll get caught.
Got in this morning and there was chaos. A trolley had overturned in the entrance hallway leaving a gap too narrow for wheelchairs to pass. With my railway marshalling experience I soon sorted it out though. Amazing what I've learned over the years. It turns out that the trolley was moving someone with a tennis racket sticking out of their backside, and the racket caught on something overturning the trolley and the geezer. It's been a week where I think I recognise people but am not so sure. This bloke kept going on about Arnold and going woof woof. I think I met him at a party once. They must have been taking him to the psycho ward.
I'm told that there are people actually reading this thing. I can't say I'm surprised, wait until I really get going, then you'll read some fun stuff, tell all your mates.
Anyway, the microwave's just gone ding, my salt beef bagel must be ready. I have then specially flown in from Brick Lane, along with the parts for the fastest VW this side of Wembley.
More later

Keep on wheeling
Delicious Salt Beef Bagel, one of the best I've had for some time. This has been a good day for me as the hospital have been trying out a new scheme whereby for one day a week, selected members of staff are allowed to go and chat with patients who don't get many visitors. I volunteered for this and it's great to share some of my stories with those lonely people. The only drawback is that I never seem to get the same patient twice. I am obviously a success although some wag reckons that after a couple of hours with me they top 'emselves.
The mystery window cleaner is still here. I don't know what's wrong with him as I've not been able to talk to him since he arrived. Still once he's up and about maybe he can help out a bit and clean the windows on the ward, they're looking a bit shabby. I think I'll go and talk to the boss of the cleaners here - known as JJ - and see if one of his latest planeload of illegals might do some work.
Ok, time stops for no man, I've spotted a willing listener, now let's see which story do I start with first...

Conned!
Mood:  chatty
Well I cut short my phone call for nothing yesterday. Turns out the geezer who claimed he was in the SAS, used to work for some swedish airline out of Heathrow! There I was all ready to give him full blast with my exploits. Not many films been made about baggage handlers have there.
Skied to work today, I know it ain't been snowing but that just adds to the fun. I did get some odd looks from passers by, but I reckon they were just jealous that can't ski properly. I know they've been over for a while, but I need to say I was disappointed with the Israeli team's performance in the Winter Olympics. Things have really slipped since I won triple platinum in Tel Aviv in 1969.
That window cleaning bloke is still in the ward I pass by everyday, I think they made a mistake on his chart because everyone refers to him as the typing error. Digging through my copies of the West Bank Sun, I discovered he was the winner of the George Formby best kept Chamois award in 2005. Maybe that's why he is familiar.
Okay, batteries dying on my phone, better get off and find a lamp post to plug the charger into. Later all

Another day, another trolley
Mood:  chatty
Missed out yesterday, some sod had locked all the phones in the department so I couldn't call out. I had a dig around at home, found an old satellite phone underneath all my black gear, should be alright now. Luckily I know how to tap into my former employers account to make calls.
Not much going on really, been going through the files about this Dick Cheney geezer. Sounds like a tough nut to me, then again all those arabs kept telling me they were tough nuts in '67. Soon proved them wrong, and don't get me started about Ronnie and Reggie. That window cleaning bloke is really bothering me, I know I've seen that facial hair somewhere, just can't put my finger on it. There's lots of good things about my job that I want to tell you about, but I ain't got time now. One of the other guys here is spouting on about how he was in the SAS, and that's a challenge I can't refuse. More later

Another day
Mood:  chatty
Got talked into this, somebody reckons I've had such an all action life I should get it all down on the internet for everyone to see. Also there are a lot of people who want to know what I'm up to since my last mission ended. I know nothing about computers, so a good mate of mine overseas has volunteered to put my thoughts down in writing. It's gonna cost me a fortune in phone calls. So let's see, where do I start. Well it was a rough day down at the hospital today, first of all the window cleaner fell off of his ladder, for some reason he had a fax machine in his bucket. Then as I was pushing him to the operating theatre to perform the necessary surgery, the wheel fell off my trolley. I laughed so much I almost smiled. Benny Slibowitz from the secret agent club down in Tooting gave me a call, apparently he wants me to go out hunting with some guy called Dick Cheney. Never heard of him, although somebody reckons he's someone important down in America, although I'm not sure what part of London that's in, and in my life I've travelled around I can tell you. Anyway enough for now, before someone works out I've dialled abroad on a hospital phone.

More ramblings
Mood:  chatty
Gotta make this quick, sneaked into an office to make a call. That bloke who fell off the ladder and had the fax machine claimed the machine was his good luck charm, just like a rabbit's foot. I thought I recognised him but I can't be sure. I cycled to work today, good training for this years tour of Cricklewood. I won King of the Mountains in it last year, and I can tell you the Wheelchair ramp at IKEA is hell to get up. I found out who Dick Cheney is. He's a keen marksman by all accounts, well he's never come up against the Israeli Army's marksman of the year in 1968. I'll show him how to shoot properly. Ok got to go, I parked my trolley on a double yellow and I don't want to get clamped. More later.