Benny's scanner
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Worzel Gummidge
Brushed off the Tandem last night. I've never told you I had a fleet of bikes among other things. The Tandem isn't something I ride very often, and has historical significance since that night in Whitechapel with Ronnie Kray, but I'm sure in time Benny will get around to telling you about it. Anyway talking about Benny I popped round to see him last night to see how he has coped with all the problems he's had lately. I also wanted to take a peek at his new scanner. Well either Benny's managed to get a state of the art MRI machine or he's been conned, I mean you can just about fit a piece of paper on it so I've no idea how he's going to scan body parts. Benny seems to be happier now those crazy Jesus freaks are leaving him alone but his living room is full of those crosses they rejected at Easter. I'll take a few of them to Iran with me and see if I can get him some overseas interest. We also chatted about getting a few more of my tales online, and hopefully he'll get something new sorted out next week, especially now I have some new pics he can use.
I'm fine tuning my arrangements for my Iranian trip next month and have been trying to book a donkey for my trip from Teheran to Tel Aviv. Looks like a busy part of the year for donkey bookings, apparently it clashes with the season on Blackpool beach so I may have to slum it and go by Mule instead. I'm not too pleased about this as a man of my standing normally gets first class treatment all the way, but of course the Iranians don't know this. Maybe if I use some of my El Al frequent flier miles I'll get an upgrade.
Popped in to take a look at Bananaman who is looking better than he did a week or so ago. The head honcho of the psycho ward has told them to stop using the Banana scented air freshener and to make the tea using a dusty old bag of LT Teabags they found in a cupboard. This has proved more effective than the most powerful drugs, but if you've ever made Tea using LT Teabags you'd know that they are something that science could do wonders with. During the six day war I ditched my army issued first aid kit and used a bag of these teabags instead. Didn't save any lives as they proved pretty ineffective at reattaching limbs and the like, but when you made a cup of Tea man you thought you could take on the world...well at least Egypt.
Ok, better book the mule then double check my baggage allowance on the Israeli special forces flight.
Shalom

Memories
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Lavender Hill Mob
Well first of all thanks for the suggestions about how to give myself an instant suntan. Can't say many of them were very practical. Someone suggested I go and stand in the cold storage at Tesco's for a few days with only my head exposed. That way it would get frostbitten and turn black. Couple of problems with that idea, firstly they normally amputate frostbitten parts and I'm not too keen on that thought. The major stumbling block though is that I won't be able to get enough time off of work prior to leaving. Another guy who wants to remain anonymous - let's call him Keith - suggested a slightly different approach and said rather than shoving my head in a microwave, maybe I should use a gas oven. He even sent me instructions on how to do it, problem is I don't read german, so Keith if you can send me an English or Hebrew translation I'd be grateful. If all else fails, I've decided to try and wing it and if questioned just say I'm feeling a bit off colour.
Someone else sent me some old pictures of me in action. Man they brought back so many memories for me, I'd even forgotten some of those events. I'll forward them to Benny and see what he can do with them. Talking of Benny, I actually got round to talking to him yesterday. He says it seems that councillor Liebeman must have done something as the phone calls have stopped. He has also been busy playing with his new scanner. I didn't think Benny's house was big enough for one of those MRI things, but he was talking of building an extension to his kitchen so maybe he's done it. Nice to see him helping out the NHS too. I may go around and check it out if I can get some petrol for the fastest VW in the west. The price of petrol has started to spiral out of control a bit, but I have a mate at one of the airports who has offered to siphon some out of the tank of a 747 for me at a very good price. In my line of work you build up contacts everywhere and you never know when they'll come in useful.
Meanwhile at the hospital things are very quiet. I've cleared out the vegetable patch so I can now sit back and relax a bit. Someone suggested I go and empty the bins or something, but I'm not qualified for that. Popped by to see Bananaman who is coming to a bit. His ravings have subsided somewhat but he is now demanding to know what has happened to his mug. I told him he looks the same as when he came in, but he must still be a little mad and doesn't understand what I'm telling him.
Anyway better pump up the tyres on the tandem and go and see Benny.
Shalom

A distinct lack of excitement
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Brokeback Mountain
After the excitement of the previous day, this was a real case of after the Lord Mayors show. No phone calls from strange councillors, no phone calls from Tel Aviv, not even anything exciting going on at the hospital. Having spent the last week doing the graveyard run, this week I'm doing the veggies - those people who are basically not with us anymore but technically still alive. I can talk to them at least, and - unlike the doctors - I get a response, normally they flatline just after I open my mouth. The doctors love it when I'm up there as their workload goes down a bit. Not sure about the guy who takes over the graveyard run though, he's busier than normal. Normally by about Thursday I've cleared out the Vegetable plot as it's called here so I can start doing my own thing. For those of you concerned about Bananaman, he's still with us but locked away for his own safety. The word is he is recovering very slowly so I'm sure we'll hear more about him soon.
Still no word from Benny so I don't know what's going on with him, I told you yesterday that councillor Liebeman was going to sort out the Jesus Jockeys who've been bothering him, but until I hear more the trail has gone cold...a bit like some of the patients at the hospital after they meet me.
Tonight I slipped a new DVD into the player called 'Bareback Mountain' or something which one of the guys at work told me was a good western and would appeal to a macho bloke like me. I think I'll take it back to Blockbuster though as it appears they've given me the wrong film. I was expecting some sort of John Wayne epic, but these cowboys are a little too friendly with each other for my liking so I think there's been a mix up and I've been given something from the gay porn section. Wouldn't be the first time, maybe I need to teach them a lesson. Still I'm moving ever closer to finally being able to stomach that Mossad movie so something good is coming out of it.
The only other thing that I'm working on is trying to figure out how I'm going to look like that Ugandan businessman my travel documents show me as. I'm not sure doing the tanning studio run is going to work, and accelerating the process by sticking my head in the microwave isn't on either as I can't get the door closed at the same time. The old favourite is boot polish but I've always been a bit allergic to the old Cherry Blossom. Maybe some black enamel paint from B&Q will do the trick. I did ask them for another form of ID but they told me that as mine is a budget trip it's the best I'll get. Well I didn't get where I am today by not being able to improvise when the pressure's on.
Shalom

That's the way to do it
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Brief Encounter
Exciting night last night, the Tel Aviv hotline rang and it was councillor Liebeman telling me to get round to Benny's street quick as his specially hired hit squad were about to deal with those demonstrators outside Benny's front door. Well I hopped on my bike - parking is a problem down Benny's street - to see what was going on. It was a polished operation, these guys were obviously trained according to the training manuals I have written. Due to the parking situation they had opted to use a helicopter and a few stun grenades and it worked a treat. The layabouts dropped their posters and run. It did disturb Benny's neighbours a bit but I don't think the problem will arise again. Just a pity we couldn't turn our Uzi's on the lazy bastards but councillor Liebeman was adamant about that.
So one problem is over for Benny, but the Jesus Jockeys are still giving him a hard time on the phone, so much so that Benny has unplugged it. The councillor has said he will trace the calls and those people will also be dealt with. So hopefully Benny can get back to business as usual and finally get the Fairoaks story up on the site.
Not much else going on. I did check the hospital newsletter to see if I'd received rave reviews for my role the other night, but there was no mention of it. Some people just don't appreciate talent. I'd have also changed the plot a little bit to make it more realistic, that scene on the balcony I'd have set at an El Al check in desk, my line would have fitted in better then I think.
Got my schedule for my forthcoming trip to Iran. I've got to say that the local travel agents are not so fast in confirming arrangements but the Tel Aviv one does things differently anyway. Not only do you get tickets etc, but you are also provided with a false passport and other dodgy ID documents. I'm using an alias in Iran, apparently I'm a Ugandan businessman called Idi. I'm a bit concerned about the picture in the passport and may have to go and do some sessions down the local tanning salon to look a bit like it but that's all part of the fun.
Shalom

Late today
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Rambo
Sorry I'm a bit late today, the hospital were a bit short so I had to help out in the theatre for a while. Strange for a hospital to have a theatre but needs do as needs must these days, thankfully I didn't have many lines to learn, in fact so as not to overload my head with info they gave me the line "Throw me the gun I can get a head shot from here". Can't remember that ever being in Romeo and Juliet but they do say Shakespere was ahead of his time. I am of course used to working in different types of theatres, those of war and the operating ones. I keep offering to help out the hospital in both of these areas but they reckon it would breach their agreement with the union plus they don't want to have to allocate a special parking space for the fastest VW in the west.
Had a very relaxing day yesterday watching "Love Story". Now I know they'll be those of you wondering why an all action type of guy like me watched it. Well I'm just psyching myself up to get used to these types of films so I can watch that "Mossad" one. I know the other week I sounded very annoyed by the fact that it wasn't an all action film. However if it has Mossad in the title there is a chance that one of my exploits might receive some sort of mention. I like watching Hollywood or whoever interpret my life, even though they don't seem willing to splash the cash in my direction.
Benny has barricaded himself into his house and unplugged his phone. This is the fault of those long haired layabouts who have camped outside his front door, and the Jesus Jockeys who just won't let this dodgy cross thing drop. He said he'd give them their money back, but it seems they want more. The layabouts won't be a problem for long as I believe councillor Liebeman has assembled a crack squad of council officials to sort them out. I wasn't aware the council had an elite group trained in the art of cracking skulls, but apparently he's hired them in from Israel for a couple of days. I'll give a report when I find out what's happened. As for Benny and his updates...well until I can get hold of him I don't know what's happening. I'll send out a carrier budgie tonight, hopefully that'll get some response.
Shalom

Ain't Carrots expensive
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Love Story
So went off shopping yesterday to get a few things for my forthcoming trip. I was stunned by the price of Carrots, what's going on, is there a world shortage or are other people planning the same trip to Iran? I even thought about nipping into the hospital kitchen and nicking a few, but decided against it, I think they have the Veg storage area under CCTV watch. In the end I've decided to wait and see if the price comes down, if worse comes to worse I could always smuggle them out of Tesco's one at a time.
Before shopping of course it was Synagogue day where I made a point of making sure councillor Liebeman knows I'm off to Iran. He seemed very interested in it, and told me to make sure he gets a copy of all my holiday snaps. It's nice to know our elected officials take such an interest in our mundane little lives. He did ask me to make sure I noted where each picture was taken, although as an old hand I knew that already. Still the councillor is a stickler for detail that's for sure.
Poor Benny looked a bit harassed, not only is he getting loads of those cross things returned, the old Jesus Jockeys are now knocking on his door and giving him a hard time. They are not happy by all accounts as it sort of ruined last week for them. On top of that he now appears to have a scruffy load of students hanging around on the pavement outside his house claiming that Benny exploits disabled asylum seekers. They won't be a problem for too long though, councillor Libeman doesn't like these sort of things on his patch and has promised to sort it out. Benny has also been reminded that he should go back to exploiting slave workers in the far east like everybody else.
Anyway today I'm looking forward to some rest and relaxation, and will spend a pleasant couple of hours polishing the shaft of my Uzi while watching Love Story.
Shalom

Iran it is!
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Where Eagles Dare
Well that's my holiday arrangements made, and Iran it is. Checked in with my old mate at a special travel agents in Tel Aviv, he's booked me onto an El Al flight to Tel Aviv, there I'll join up with some Israeli special forces blokes and then they'll push me out of the plane somewhere over Tehran so I can do a HALO drop. Then a few nights in Khomeni's bed and breakfast before making my way back to Tel Aviv by Donkey. I can't wait it has everything I need for a break. A hostile environment, no Americans, interesting architecture - particularly those new Mosques they are building, and if things get a little sticky a chance to use some weaponary. I even get a 20% refund if I come back with some pictures of the new Mosques...what a deal! So this weekend I'll be doing a little holiday shopping, although I have to pack light because I'll have a parachute on for some of the way. First stop I think will be to get some Carrots for the Donkey. I hear they're pricey in Tehran.
Work hasn't been interesting this week, then again pushing stiffs around isn't noted for being exciting. Bananaman hasn't been seen this week, I asked one of the nurses on the Psycho ward and he told me he's still in the padded cell. They daren't let him out until all the Banana scented air freshener has been used up, and seeing as they bought a job lot off a stall down the market that could be a while. Apparently he is a gibbering wreck although I don't know how they tell the difference. That's one field I don't have much training in, well you can't kill someone with psychiatry, give me an Uzi any day.
Benny still hasn't put the Fairoaks story up so I called him to find out what the problem is. He says it's nothing technical, just work related. He had a load of the crosses he made up for that big church shindig last week returned, they were all falling apart in the middle. He says it's the last time he employs a load of blind Albanian asylum seekers at 50p an hour. He got a better job buying them in from China. So much for trying to keep the industry at home eh.
Better go to Synagogue today, don't want to upset Rabbi Goldberg anymore than I have to, plus I know councillor Libeman will be there. I figure it's best to try and keep in with these people at the moment, especially the councillor. I've even put up an election poster for him in my bedroom window. He's a shrewd git, he uses the same posters every election, makes sure we put them up with Blu-tack, and comes around and collects them all when the election's over. Saves on expenses, he's only had to pay out once. Mind you he could do with getting some new ones in my opinion, people think they're voting for some 25 year old geezer and he must be almost 60 by now.
Ok, better go, and with any luck I've avoided the collection plate going around.
Shalom

Holiday 2006
Now Playing: The Longest Day
Better day yesterday, I'm happy now I've got the fastest trolley in the NHS back. Also wasn't too busy so plenty of time to leaf through the intelligence reports I get from a contact who lives on the West Bank in Stamford Hill. I used to have them faxed to the hospital, but since that window cleaning bloke was in here last month, there has been a clampdown on fax use, apparently an audit showed one of the machines as missing.
Anyway it seems I have a wide range of places to choose from. As I said yesterday, Iraq is out because it's too popular with the Americans. I don't mind the yanks as a rule, but when I go away, I want to be able to take in the local culture without bumping into large people with those Rupert The Bear style trousers and a camera around their necks. Baghdad is probably full of them this time of year. A couple of places in Africa do look interesting, Sudan, Chad and even Zimbabwe have nice dictatorships which does a lot to keep out the riff raff. However my mind drifts back towards the middle east, and Iran is very appealing. No Yanks there, plus as a Jew it presents the added challenge of breaching their security to get into the country in the first place. There were some interesting snapshots in the report showing some new buildings that are going up. The Yanks reckon they are something to do with Nuclear power or something, but I believe the Iranians when they say they are building Mosques with an eye to their being able to withstand any natural disaster. So my mind is almost made up, I'll make a call to my travel agent in Tel Aviv to set it all up. Be pretty cheap too I reckon. If not it may be back to Benidorm which is enough like a war zone to keep me happy.
Called Benny again last night. I keep checking but still no sign of the story about Fairoaks. He tells me to be patient, it's coming, it's just taking a little longer than he thought, plus his computer got a bit screwed up when he downloaded some dodgy stuff off of the internet. He says it's all sorted out now so it's back to work.
Another weekend is coming up, and for me the last day on the graveyard run. So plenty of time to make sure I'm getting my holiday arrangements the way I want them, the good thing with intelligence reports over holiday brochures is that they are always up to date, sadly for the common man he doesn't have access to them, being associated with Mossad does have certain advantages.
Shalom

Benny
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: A Bridge Too Far
Tracked down my trolley yesterday, good to see all this Mossad technology works well. Apparently hospital management weren't too happy about the advert on the side, but were also very annoyed about my Star of David badge on the front. Said it would upset all the f****** non Jewish patients. I was none too pleased by this, and if this sort of thing had happened years ago, I would have taken care of the problem using methods which even those so called experts in that CSI TV series couldn't have worked out.
So for the majority of the day yesterday I was in a bad mood so it's just as well they have me on the graveyard run. I think if I'd been giving anyone wearing a towel on their head to push around I would have been tempted to think it was the late sixties all over again, you know what I mean. I can't even go and amuse myself by watching Bananaman, he's been moved to a padded cell since someone put Banana scented air freshener in the Psycho ward bogs.
So last night I had to talk to someone, and as I'm still in Rabbi Goldberg's bad books for skipping synagogue a couple of times recently, the whole thing falls on Benny's shoulders. Benny and I go back a fair way, although he wasn't in Mossad, he wasn't good enough for that. But he demonstrated a flair for technology which I've found useful. Thanks to him I can now record one programme on the TV while I'm watching another channel. He's a good listener - well he needs to be - but always shrewd enough to make sure it's not his phone bill being run up. He tells me the Fairoaks airport story should be up on my website by the weekend, as it's going to be a highlight of the site, he's trying to make it a little more detailed than previous efforts. I can't wait to see it, I'm sure he'll do this tale justice.
Started to look at some intelligence reports so I can decide where to go on holiday this year. Iraq has the weather but I've a feeling the nightlife isn't much good and it's full of Americans I'm told. Man they get everywhere don't they. Maybe somewhere in Africa then. I don't know, so much stuff so little time to do it. I'll keep ploughing through them until I find something interesting.
Shalom

Dead boring
Mood:  lazy
Well the week has not started very brightly. Got back to work and found someone had nicked my customised trolley. Just like the fastest VW in the west, I'd modified my trolley to be quicker than anybody elses. It simply glides down the corridors. Shouldn't be too hard to find as I'd stuck a little homing device on it, problem was I'd left the tracking equipment at home so I won't be able to do anything about it until my next shift. It does have other identifying features as well like a big Star of David on the front, and it's also the only one with an advert on the side "Eat at Abe's" it says. Anyway I'll deal with that later.
Councillor Liebeman called me last night just to make sure I'd lost interest in my anti tank ditch project. I'm scared of him now as he has skills and knows people that I can only dream about. I always thought that as I wrote Mossad's training manuals that I was one of the most feared Jews on the planet. I know I still have the ability to scare, as it's amazing how quick our little room at the hospital clears out when I enter. I think my mates are so in awe of me that they just don't feel comfortable in the same room.
After the councillor's call Benny rang me to clarify a few details about the Fairoaks Airport Massacre. He has a picture of the airport and wanted me to highlight where the El Al check in desk was. Benny can get confused sometimes, I wasn't flying El Al that day, I was doing one of those budget airline things, you know anywhere in Europe for a half a shekel, I think the airline was called Brianair. They're not in business anymore, the Fairoaks incident did for their public relations what Lockerbie did for PanAm. Mind you from what I could gather they were never going to be successful, their choice of destinations was questionable, but a cheap flight is a cheap flight at the end of the day and anything cheap is alright by me, I love saving money.
Talking of travel reminds me it's time for me to check out where I'm going to be holidaying this year. Because of the stress of my job, I get loads of time off, I know I did the North Korea thing last month but that was a weekend away. Better start checking out the intelligence reports to see where the 'in' destination is this year.
Shalom

A Night with Benny
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Tour De France
Well eventually made it around to Benny's last night, I was a bit late as I'd got a bit carried away listening to Englebert. "The Last Waltz" always brings a tear to my eye, I remember it was being played on the PA system at Fairoaks airport on the day of the massacre, so it always brings back pleasant memories of death and destruction, but even better an opportunity I had to use my highly sharpened marksmanship skills that day.
Anyway, more of that later, Benny and I cracked open a can of Stella and discussed a few more things we can now release to the great unwashed as their secrecy clauses have now lapsed. The Fairoaks Airport Massacre was one of them, and Benny has promised to make that a priority, we did discuss my dealings with East End gangsters, Hollywood celebs and my other sporting achievements. Let's just say Benny has a lot to go on, and is going to be extremely busy if he's going to get them online.
I never did get a phone call from Tel Aviv asking me to deal with their latest difficulties, I guess they have got a local operative to sort it out, I did get a message from Hassan's Army Missiles And Supplies apologising for a small slip up in the delivery of some items but they must have got the wrong bloke as I haven't ordered anything from them for ages. They blamed transport problems. Still some poor sod isn't going to get their gear.
Back to work today, and this week I have got the graveyard shift. No it's not nights but I'm in charge of transporting the stiffs down to the Morgue. I hate this part of the job, your clients aren't very talkative, but at least it's clean and you get the same trolley for the week. As the weather isn't bad shouldn't get too many old'uns dropping off so it won't be too busy either. I'll probably get time to sort out my Mountaineering gear. I have to be ready for anything and old OBL is meant to be hiding in the mountains somewhere. I reckon they're giving the Yanks time to find him, but eventually they'll have to turn to Mossad, we can find anyone.
Anyway, keep an eye out as Benny has promised to try and get some new stuff up this week.
Shalom

Council pressure
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Englebert Humperdinck's Greatest Hits
Another slow bank holiday. Could have gone to work and pushed a few trolleys about but decided against it. I'm not that much in need of the overtime, and besides looks like things have taken off a bit in Tel Aviv, so I've pumped up the tyres in my bike, dusted off the bike clips and I'm ready for the call.
I might have to hold off on the anti tank ditch. Councillor Liebeman came round last night, and said that he wasn't sure it would be approved by the planning committee on the grounds that it might be hazardous for the local kids. I started to make the usual noises about getting some subtle pressure put on the relevant people, but he stopped me in my tracks. He said the watch tower was fine as he didn't mind me making a few dinaris from the mobile phone towers placed on top, but on this one he'd have to oppose me. He then shook my hand, and in a moment I knew he wasn't to be fooled with. The handshake he gave me is known only by an elite few, and the last time someone shook my hand like that he was wearing an eye patch (I'm sure you know who I mean). This means I won't need to do any mail order from the Gaza strip, but I couldn't get through to them anyway. They have one of those systems where you have to press a number to pick the option you want, you know the sort of thing, press one for made to measure suicide belts, two for Semtex by the pound. I couldn't be bothered to wait.
So with the demise of the anti tank ditch, I'll probably put a few hedges and some Pansies down there instead. Pity but sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. I'm shrewd enough to know when I'm beaten.
Benny also called yesterday, and told me that now Easter is over he may well have time to get some more of my tales up on the internet, he just wants to know which ones. I said I'll call round later and we'll discuss it.
Ok, got to jet off to Tesco's for some much needed supplies, then listen to my Englebert LP before hopping in the fastest VW in the west and spending the evening with Benny. May even share a can of Stella with him.
Shalom

The Last Waltz
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The Tony Blackburn Show
Disappointing trip down to B&Q yesterday. Turns out they reckon there isn't much call for landmines and barbed wire at their store. The spotty faced oik I spoke to reckoned I'd be more likely to find that sort of stuff at one of their branches in Baghdad, or on their website. I must admit I was a little stunned by the initiative shown by B&Q to actually branch out into Iraq, the whole place is having to be rebuilt and I'm sure the Iraqis' are into DIY as much as anybody, and if their record building IED's is anything to go by they would be pretty good at it. So looks like I'm going to have to go back to my mail order place which I think I may have mentioned was based in Jerusalem but has now moved to the Gaza strip. I used to get regular mailings from them, but I must have dropped off their mailing list since the move. My sources told me there has also been a change of management and my old mate Yassar is no longer there. I don't really like dealing with them - they have this thing about liberating Palestine - but they are pretty reliable although their shipping is a little erratic, and they don't deliver to your door, instead you have to go and pick up an unmarked box in a disused building somewhere, and as for returning faulty items...well forget it, it's not like dealing with Amazon.co.uk I can tell you. That's the problem with these specialty stores.
As I was a little down I thought I'd stop off at the discount music place and pick up something to listen to. Well in the bargain bin I uncovered a real treasure trove, some recordings of The Tony Blackburn Show, and a well worn copy of Englebert Humperdinck's greatest hits. I am no fan of either one by the way, but I've had dealings with both in the past and like to make sure they can count on a few shekels heading their way from time to time. I've seen Tony on the TV a few times although he doesn't seem as keen on tennis as he once was. He had a unique style let me tell you...hang on I remember now...that was him at the hospital last month, good to see he hasn't forgotten his effective backhand.
Today I'm going to sit back and listen to my new purchases, then I'll sort out my order for the anti tank trench.
Shalom

Do you know the way to Golders Green
Mood:  loud
So, spent the day watching videos in preparation for my legal action I'm taking against the major Hollywood film studios. I know they are going to try the line of "the events in this film are nothing like what you did" but to me that's not the point. How would they have come up with "The Great Escape" if nobody had told them the story of the mass break out of 3 prisoners from an egyptian prisoner of war camp during the six day war. Then they had the cheek to set it about 20 years earlier, can you see why I get annoyed. Some of the film titles are dead giveaways. "The Railway Children" obviously based on my time administering one of the world's largest railways (although I admit I haven't seen the film yet). I'll be touting my case round lawyers soon.
The Easter Egg hunt flopped as the moment the Banana Phobic guy dressed as a rabbit set foot out of the Psycho ward with a basket full of painted hand grenades panic broke out and someone called the Police. Are some people so touchy or what. I managed to calm things down by flashing my mysterious ID card with the Hebrew symbol on it, but we had to lock Bananaman away, and the Easter Eggs were shipped off elsewhere for disposal. Probably turn up at the house of some fancy politician who'd forgotten to get eggs of his own.
So with all this idle time I'm looking to do a little overdue landscaping. Last year I put up a 30 foot tall watch tower to keep an eye on my house. This year I'm thinking of either putting up a 12 foot wall or installing an anti tank ditch complete with barbed wire and minefield. If it sounds a bit like the Berlin wall you'd be right, that's the effect I'm trying to create. The council were a bit touchy about my plan last year, but a flash of the mysterious ID card, and a few strategiclly placed menacing black cars and phone calls soon put them at ease. This might prove a little more difficult but we'll see, it's election year and the local councillor needs my vote so maybe he'll pull a few strings to make sure he gets it.
So without further ado I'm off to B&Q to do some pricing up for my little project.
Shalom

Good Friday
Mood:  loud
Well for most of you lazy gits, this is a day you can put your feet up, and dream of those DIY projects that the missus wants you to do, but you have no intention of doing. Not the same for me. I'm a like a cat waiting to pounce, not only am I on call for the hospital, but I'm sitting by the Mossad hotline in case Tel Aviv should call. When you're in my line of work you just can't relax for a second.
What's with all the religious crap on TV today, is it some sort special occasion. Anybody would think it was Christmas as I saw the Queen giving away money on the news last night. About time she started to spread it around a bit. She does discriminate though, looks like you have to be old and decrepit plus go to church to qualify for a hand out. What about us old Jews? I don't see her popping down the synagogue to dish out the cash. I would write to my MP, but I don't know who he is.
I've decided that because I'm high alert, as always, I can't drift too far away from the phone. So I stocked up on Bagels, and some videos for this weekend. I'm working on the lawsuit I'm going to bring against the major Hollywood studios for telling my life story without asking me. I've told you about this before, and it seems I can't flit around my Sky Digibox without seeing one of my stories on it. Last night I come across "The Long Good Friday", which while it doesn't mention Ronnie, Reggie and me by name, and the events are nothing like what we got up to, still the inference was there.
Big easter Egg hunt tomorrow at the hospital, and I'm providing security, it's pretty convenient as I'll be doing the synagogue gig first. I guess if Tel Aviv call during that time they'll have to leave a message.
Shalom

Passover
Mood:  chatty
Well people, sorry about a slightly later update today, but for all you uneducated idiots out there it's the first day of Passover so I had to nip down the Bagel bake and get my supplies in before they get all religious and close.
You know I can't keep up with all these holidays us jews can have. There's this one, Hannukah, and of course the most famous one of all, Moshe Dyan appreciation day. I'm sure I've missed one somewhere, and that it's tied in with some sort of event back in the sixties, have to check my diary and see if I can work it out.
I did pop by and see how Rabbi Goldberg was getting on, and it looks like he's been hitting the can of Stella that Benny had to give him. He kept rambling on about how the collection plate never has any money in it, and how he keeps having this vision of someone in black crashing through the window of the Synagogue with an Uzi blazing. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd caught me in the middle of one of my training exercises, although I should stress the Uzi did have blanks in it.
Apparently it's also a bit of a shindig for the Church of England this weekend, and lots of you will be celebrating by going to worship at B&Q and Wickes. Me, well I'll be setting up an Easter Egg hunt at the hospital. I come across this old box of Hand Grenades which I've painted nice colours with pictures of rabbits on them. I don't think we'll have any problems as the grenades are meant to be duds. We'll try them out in the psycho ward first just in case.
Talking of the Psycho ward our Banana phobic friend has been dressed up as the Easter Bunny and has been set loose on the wards like Rolf Harris at Christmas. I think everyone is a little wary of him though, and some of the wards made it very clear he wasn't welcome by hanging a bunch of Bananas in the doorway. His babblings are a little strange, and the word pussy seems to come up a lot. Better keep him clear of the kiddies ward, don't want any misunderstandings.
Ok, time for the first Bagel of Passover.
Shalom

Crisis...what Crisis?
Mood:  loud
I've been sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, surely with Sharon out of the way some sort of crisis in Israel should be about to flare up, requiring me to take some sick leave and jet out to save the world?
Instead I'm on some crappy course - Advanced Trolley Management - which has been set up by the Health and Safety people. Apparently there have been reports of trolleys blocking fire exits and narrowing corridors so we have to be told how to park them. With my background this is all second nature of course, when you have been responsible for parking the trains on a major mass transport network you know you could run the course.
It's not all about where to park your trolley. Some of the lads have been accidently running over peoples' feet so we are also being taught how to push them in a straight line and steering techniques. Once again I find this obvious, and as designated defensive driving instructor for Mossad I can do a handbrake turn with a hospital trolley.
The great bar code experiment is on hold, following the incident with the Newcastle fans, they tried it again. In one area they found the computer had logged 3 prepared Caesar salads and a tin of beans. It was picking up on the nurses bringing their stuff back from Tesco's!
Anyway I could ramble on but I've got to go and do my practical exercise and negotiate my trolley round some traffic cones in the car park.
Shalom

A day off
Mood:  lazy
Well after a few hectic weeks I felt like taking a sickie, so today I'm lazing about doing nothing, which some will say is nothing new.
Picked up my nice new black outfit yesterday to replace the one that was ruined at the cleaners a few weeks back. The tailor tells me it's made to measure but I had to ask him why there was a tick shaped symbol on the chest. He told me it was his trademark. Well I have to say he must have been really busy as I see it everywhere. Good to see I'm in with the "in" crowd at the moment.
So what else am I doing today. Well I'm recharging the batteries in my night vision goggles, and just making sure my kit is ready should I get the call. Now the Tour of Cricklewood isn't going to happen this year, my training regime has sort of suffered. The bike is currently gathering dust next to the fastest VW in the west.
One of the other reasons I'm taking the day off is that I'm expecting a job lot of Milk Tray that they couldn't sell on Mother's Day to arrive. Which reminds me, I need to get some of those cards made up to leave lying around. Also some geezer from Pepsi Max called so all in all it could be a busy day rather than a quiet one, we shall see.
Benny called last night, tells me that Rabbi Goldberg has heard he managed to sneak a six pack of Stella back into the country and wants the syanagogue's share. These bloody religious freaks miss nothing do they. I told him that as he has been rumbled he has no choice but to send him a tin. Apparently the Rabbi was very pleased about our dealings with the couple of Iraqui's though.
So looks like another Israeli PM has bit the dust. Ever since the Rabin incident they've struggled to get a decent one. I remember the Rabin incident well, must get onto Benny and get that one down on tape.
Shalom

Take 'em out
Mood:  chatty
Looks like the froggies didn't take my advice after all. Typical of the lily livered bastards. I told 'em all they had to do was take out a few of the long haired layabouts and they would be ok. Look at how us Israelis handle the bloody Arabs, don't see them parading around on strike do you.
Extremely disappointed with 'Highway To Heaven' which wasn't about Israeli secret service agents taking out suicide bombers with headshots, but rather about some goody two shoes doing good deeds all over the place. Bloody liberals, it's the likes of them who cause all our problems. I've added the star of the show - some geezer called Michael Landon - to my hit list. I think he could do with a lesson in real life.
Bananaman as we've called him, is pulling in the crowds, they're more people lining up to see him than there is in the casualty department on a Saturday night. He did escape over the weekend, but someone trapped him in the corridor with a bunch of Bananas and forced him back to the psycho ward. There should be a video about somewhere.
Spoke to Benny last night and he reckons he might be a bit too busy this week to knock out some new tales but he will try. Apparently he's going to be too busy making crosses or something. Someone tells me it's a bit of a big week for the old Jesus jockeys, and it's one of Benny's big money making times of the year.
Ok, just got a call, my new made to measure black outfit is ready, later people.
Shalom

Didn't we have a loverly time the day we went to Calais
Mood:  lazy
Well back from my little trip to France. Ok I told you it was a booze cruise, but really I was helping the French Government try and solve their problems with those lazy workshy students of theirs. I advised them to use plenty of teargas, a few baton charges and if they really wanted to get the message home a few rounds from an Uzi wouldn't go amiss.
Anyway it didn't all go to plan, I got stopped trying to get behind the controls of the train, only my highly secretive ID card with the Star of David on it stopped me being nicked. I ended up with Benny and his Trabant with all the other members of the great unwashed.
Got to the hypermarket at Calais for my top secret rendezvous with some guys from the French Intelligence service - Force Regionalle Operation Grande or FROG - whilst stocking up on booze we discussed lots of things which I can't go into here. After 10 minutes we were done and I could go wild in the aisles as Dale Winton used to say. Found a very nice line in black gear which being french is much trendier than the normal stuff - Mossad by Calvin Klein, can you believe that?
Unadventurous journey back apart from a knocking noise underneath the car which we later discovered to be a couple of Iraquis trying to sneak into Britain, a couple of Mossad death grips dealt with them.
So did we get what we wanted? Well I'm ok for fags for a couple of weeks, and Benny managed to get a six pack of Stella on the back seat so it was well worth it.
Back to work tomorrow, I can't wait. In the meantime I'm gonna relax and watch those 'Highway to Heaven' DVD's I borrowed. Looking forward to seeing some mad muslims go to meet their maker.
Shalom