Mission Impossible
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Muffin The Mule
Well as hopefully you've all spotted, Benny was busy yesterday putting a guestbook thingy up on the site. He did this after I complained that I couldn't always see the comments you lot were leaving for me. Hopefully it works ok, I'm just waiting for someone to take the plunge and leave a message. Even better it gives Tel Aviv another way of leaving those coded messages asking me to save the world or Israel or something.
Talking of the world, someone reminded me at work that the World Cup of Football is taking place this year. Now as you may have read I have very fond memories of this tournament after my antics in 1966, and I'm looking to get involved this year too. Problem is my main team - Israel didn't make it so cheap tickets are not an option. I was thinking of touting the Swiss connection, but those tight fisted gits won't give me any freebies. Still in my line of work you have connections and I'm hoping that my regular helicopter pilot gets that summer job he's after with German TV, ok I'll be about 3000 feet above ground, but it'll be for free. Maybe I could cause a stir at the Final by sliding down a rope onto the pitch, done it thousands of times with the Milk Tray in my hand.
Khomeni's B&B replied to my e-mail, and I must admit to being a bit disappointed by their reply. They said they know nothing about high tech Mosques being built. You'd think they would know what's going on in their own country if even I'm aware of it. I think I'll do them a favour and take a few pics for them to put up on their walls. Be better than what they've got up already from what I've seen, some miserable old bastard in a turban and beard.
Work was pretty humdrum yesterday, I spent the day wheeling old grannies around who wanted to tell me about their grandkids and pet cats. May I say now I don't give a f***, and the only reason I don't say anything is I need this job for cover, and for somewhere to stash my Uzi. Listening to them prattle away is like listening to Bananaman but not so funny. Talking of Bananaman, I'm going to pop up and see him today, rumour has it he's almost recovered and may be released. This would be a tragedy as he's raised quite a bit of money for the hospital with his performances. Still if one psycho leaves another will take its place, and maybe laughing at these characters will prove a good earner for the hospital and save a few jobs. Failing that I'll be forced to instigate the protection racket again, you know if you don't pay up we won't change the bedsheets, some lessons from Ronnie and Reggie will never be forgotten.
Shalom

UPDATE FROM BENNY
I have started putting a link onto every page for a new guestbook feature which will allow our man's fans to interact a little. Just click on the link you'll find either at the top or bottom of the page to access it. On the Blog page you'll find it at the left hand side.
This will be on all pages by the end of the day.
Sorry about the pop up advert you'll see when you first go to it, but hey this stuff is all being done on the cheap...OK it's all free.
I also hope to have the East End page working correctly some time today, plus some new pictures which have come into my possession.
Thanks for your patience

BENNY

Monday moaning
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Woodentops
Well another week back at the old grindstone. I'm not working casualty this week, I'm down in outpatients wheeling old grannies around to quacks who have their pens poised over death certificates. I hate outpatients. It's noisy, I can hardly hear myself talk, and you don't get nothing dramatic down there either as everyone is capable of being sent back home, or in the case of the really old ones, being left out like the rubbish until someone remembers they're there. At least I'll be able to nip up to the psycho ward and see how old Bananaman is getting on. I missed him last week.
So yesterday I dragged myself down to Mo's discount store to see if I could get a clip on ponytail to make me look like one of these Hare Krishna types. Mo's helped me out with my disguises before, but even he is struggling with the black man with a ponytail one. All he had was blonde ones too so I guess I'll have to paint it a different colour. Someone suggested I should nip down Oxford Street during the week as there is a Hare Krishna procession down there everyday so I can really get a feel for them. Seems a good idea, and now I've managed to work out how I can get that line about Harry Rama in, it's all systems go.
Since he started to put my exploits up on the internet I've had frequent contact with Benny. He's really put out by the problems he's having with the pictures and blames the cheap software he's using. This is what happens when you buy from a stall in Brick Lane. I've promised to get him something special from Tel Aviv when I'm over there. OK it might only be a soft cheese Bagel but it'll be good. Anyway Benny reckons he'll get it sorted as he's working on something else to go up there and it won't take much effort to put things right. I hope not, I don't think he realises how much damage he is doing to my reputation. I am known worldwide for my attention to detail, look at the amount of effort I'm putting into this Iran trip, and my record for delivering boxes of Chocolates is second to none, I've never had a return yet.
No reply yet from the B&B about the new Mosques. I bet they're putting a little package together for me. You would think the Iranians would be pleased to show off their state of the art Mosque technology, but they're treating it as some sort of state secret. Still with my highly trained nose I'll be able to sniff them out from miles around, and besides I'm told that the locals flock to these things pretty regularly during the day so I'll just follow the crowd. I'm very good at blending in and making myself look invisible, I did it for years in my previous job.
One final word about the comments you may leave. It seems the system doesn't always work and I can't read all of them. If you want to make any comments it's probably easier if you e-mail me at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk or just click on the contact link on any of the pages. Maybe I should just get Benny to put up a guestbook for people to sign, that may be easier.
Shalom

More technical difficulties
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Mary, Mungo, and Midge
Yesterday was Synagogue day of course, and while there I was chatting to Benny, who told me he's been getting reports that one of the pages isn't working too well and not showing pictures. Now he knows about the problem, he'll be dealing with it during the week. Just as well because one of the pictures concerned is one of my all time favourites when Ronnie, Reggie and me were drinking buddies.
The rest of the day I was fitting myself up for the orange gear I'm going to wear in Iraq. I've had a smart idea with that by the way, to save luggage space, I'm going to incorporate the outfit with my parachute for my HALO jump when I get dropped off over Iran, smart eh? Still debating about the hairstyle though, as I'm not sure I can generate enough hair for the ponytail. Maybe I can get one of those stick on ponytail things, I'll go down to Mo's discount shop and see if he's got any in stock. Also a bit of a spanner has been thrown in the works with regard the old Hare Krishna song. I've now been told there is actually a second line involving some geezer called Harry Rama. Where he gets into all this stuff I don't know, but it means I've got to go back to the drawing board as far as learning the song is concerned. Life is so confusing sometimes. Why couldn't they sing an Engelbert Humperdinck song, I know all the words to The Last Waltz. Anyway I've still got a few days to learn the words, maybe if I imagine it as some code it'll come easier.
I also received a little postcard yesterday from Khomeni's Bed and Breakfast in Tehran, advising me that they don't do a Kosher breakfast, but would Halal Bacon be ok. I prefer Danish Bacon myself but if they want to use the cheaper stuff that's ok with me. Not too pleased with the check out time either, after first prayers, what the bloody hell does that mean? Don't tell me it's some sort of crazy religious place. Not sure I could handle that. I'm going to e-mail them back as well as my request to the Tehran tourist office for some information about their new Mosques seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Maybe the B&B will know something.
One thing I noticed this morning that a couple of comments were posted at the bottom of the page yesterday. All comments are welcome, and if need be I'll reply to them in future entries, maybe when things are running a bit slow. So to those who left them yesterday, thanks, and feel free to leave more. It's nice to know someone's reading this stuff.
Ok, I've got some e-mails to write and I'll harass Benny to sort out his problems.
Shalom

Weekend warrior
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Chigley
Well last shift ended at the hospital and I can now take a well earned rest. Pushing those trollies about isn't easy you know. They can be a bugger to steer, especially if you get the one with wheels like a supermarket trolley. All my experience from doing this job means I can spot the ones at Tesco's that ain't much cop. People look at me like I'm some sort of weirdo as I get down and check the wheels, and it costs me a fortune in pound coins as I have to release them to be able to do a test drive, and some people are only too happy to take my rejects. Of course I'm also making sure the trolley hasn't been tampered with in any way and isn't rigged to go off if I put a pound of frozen Peas in a certain place.
As I'm a man of leisure this weekend I thought I'd go and share some kosher beer with Benny last night. He is much more relaxed as he managed to retrieve most of the election junk for councillor Liebeman so his costs have been minimal. We were looking at some old pictures which he recently found and decided that if you want some insight into my past we should put them up on the website. Benny does need to apply some security measures on them first though but it shouldn't take him long so hopefully you'll see them in the next few days.
Talking of councillor Liebeman he's now given me the ok to publish the election result as the necessary formalities have been taken care of and the cheques have cleared.

NORVENTIA DISTRICT COUNCIL (MERTON WARD EAST)
Result of election held on May 4th 2006

Liebeman, Ben Gurion, The Likud party candidate 1987
Merciless, Minge The, Alien Alliance 45
Umbongo Umbongo They Drink it in the Congo, Commie-Tec 98
Error, Typing, UJF 0
Machkenna, Heinrich, National Socialist, 967
Compass, Captain, Lost Party 154

Spoiled Ballot Papers 1674

Ben Gurion Liebeman is hereby elected councillor for the above mentioned ward.

As you can see a comfortable victory for our main man, and as I mentioned yesterday most of the spoilt papers were the result of some election manipulation by Commie-Tec that was uncovered by the Likud party security team. Bit worried about that National Socialist result, I remember that guy, I told you that one of the candidates had prattled onto me about the Sudetenland and Poland. He gave me the creeps for other reasons too, like the black outfit with the old skull and crossbones on the lapels, and those polished black jackboots. I think I've seen that outfit somewhere before.
I was going to try out my old ground to air missiles today, but instead I'm working on the orange bedsheets I got down the market to get them ready for my holiday. So I'd better get working.
Shalom

Election Night Special
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Camberwick Green
So election night has come and gone, as expected councillor Liebeman breezed home. Over the years he has seen his majority reduced, he can always depend on the Jewish vote, but with all the new corner shops springing up in the area his power base has been undermined somewhat. There was a bit of a sensation last night though as initially it was thought he had lost. Then after closely examining the votes everyone realised that Commie-Tec may have been guilty of some election fraud and it is suspected that the same guy voted 1576 times. I was a little concerned too, looking at the ballot papers I was worried that people might think it was me, after all they all had my signature on them. So councillor Liebeman is there for another 4 years, I would publish the result but a couple of areas haven't declared yet and I've been told to wait.
Everyday I always check Benny's website and much to my surprise he's posted something new on there. The rascal, he never told me. It's one of my favourite memories, those days when Ronnie, Reggie and me would go and smash up pubs, betting shops etc just for fun. I learnt a lot from them two before they went off the rails a bit. By that time I was getting ready for a career in Mossad, but I'd applied some of their techniques in a dealing with a guy called Arnold George Dorsey over a rent issue. He became quite famous apparently.
Benny himself is quite glad the election is over, although he has the task now of going to retrieve all the election material that was dished out. As I've explained before, in his own way the councillor likes to look after the environment and recycle his material, some of the posters must be 40 years old. Benny is sort of dreading doing it as people have a tendency to throw the stuff away, and if he comes up short he'll have to pay for replacements (councillor Liebeman keeps a record of this sort of thing). Following his recent losses at Easter he doesn't need that. So if you're in my neck of the woods and see some geezer diving down dustbins, it's not a tramp, it's probably Benny looking for an election leaflet of two.
Last shift today, and all in all it's been a very quiet week, but with all the election excitement I haven't needed to down any planes to generate some work. Instead I've passed the time trying to learn the lyrics to "My Sweet Lord" in preparation for my Iran trip in a couple of weeks time. One of my mates at work thinks I'm wasting my time and should just chant Hare Krishna over and over again if I'm stopped, apparently if you do it in London people look at you as if you're crazy, he thinks the same thing will work in places like Tehran and Qom. It's an idea and it would be a lot easier to learn that than this George Harrison song.
Shalom

I wanna be elected
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Trumpton
So Benny came up trumps after all, I thought he was too busy doing stuff for councillor Liebeman but as he told me, he already had the base for the page just needed to adjust it a little. After all the election stuff dies down after today, he already has plans to get the next story down.
Talking of elections I popped into the polling station and cast my vote, no surprises who my signature went against although I'm not happy that you have to sign against the name you're voting for. Surely it's not a secret if they can tell who you vote for. Anyway I always find it amusing to look at the other candidates and in my area you always get a few oddballs, but enough about the Lib-Dems. I noticed that one of the parties used the abbreviation UJF although I think there was a typing error for the guys name. Then there was a party called Commie-Tec, I think they are extreme left wing, apparently their candidate had been struck off after it was discovered he was standing in three areas at the same time and didn't have the right documentation to be in the country anyway. we didn't have a Hamas candidate this time around but I'm sure they'll pop up at the General Election. I might even give it a go myself, but then again that would blow my cover so maybe not.
The fastest hospital trolley in the west seems particularly easy to push around today. I'm really pleased that Benny has got that Fairoaks story up and running. That incident was one of the highlights of my colourful career, which will begin to emerge over the coming months as Benny gets down in words what I've put on tape. Benny calls them the greatest stories ever told. I'm inclined to agree with him, better than that thick book which they dish out in churches that also claims the same title.
Long day today, I'm providing security at the election count later and depending on turnout I may not get to bed until 10:30. Councillor Liebeman reckons the result is a formality. He normally does a little sweepstakes on how many votes he is likely to get. It's uncanny how he always gets the winning ticket, plus how accurate he always is. That's an experienced politician for you.
Shalom

UPDATE
Benny tells me that the link to The Fairoaks Airport Massacre should now be working. He's put up a modified version of the page but without all the pictures he was going to use, although I noticed there is one on there.
Good old Benny, he's come up trumps again!

Technical difficulties
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ivor The Engine
I think first things first I'd better pass along an apology from Benny. The more keen eyed among you would have noticed a link to The Fairoaks Airport Massacre has appeared on the site. Indeed Benny tells me he did actually attempt to post a new page, but in his haste to do it between election campaigning for councillor Liebeman, he hadn't actually tried it out properly and he found that none of the pictures materialised when you viewed the page. So he has taken it down for the time being and hopes to get over that problem later today. Of course the klutz had updated all the other pages with the new link. So patience Mossad fans, the waiting is almost over.
I checked with the Iranian embassy yesterday and they don't really have a problem with me bringing Milk Tray into the country, although they seemed a bit too concerned about my religion. When I mentioned this to one of the more intelligent people at work, he told me that I might be better off telling them I'm one of those Hare Krishna people rather than Jewish. Now that's interesting and I might have to change my approach to my holiday. I think they've got a job lot of orange bedsheets on sale down the market, and I'd better learn the old Hare Krishna song. The same guy suggested that if I can sing George Harrison's 'My Sweet Lord' I should be ok. Oh, and he also told me I need to shave my head and leave a little ponytail on the back. With the ID I've been given that could prove tricky, how many Ugandans have you seen with a ponytail? Still I didn't rise to the top of Mossad without being able to improvise.
Those conversations aside it's still pretty quiet at the hospital, the temptation is there to bring down an airliner or two to create some action , but when I checked out my missile collection I found that they were passed their use by date so I'm not sure if they'll work properly, might go and try one out at the weekend at the local airfield. Well these weekend pilots are always crashing so nobody will be too surprised if a couple of them fall out of the sky. Of course I could always volunteer for overtime on a Friday or Saturday night, same thing really.
Anyway better get down and see if I can get hold of those bedsheets and that George Harrison record, need to start work on that pretty quickly.
Shalom

I like my job
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Magic Roundabout
Well back to work for my favourite shift, yep I'm down in casualty for the week. I've already told you why I like it so much down here, but it also has the added bonus of my being able to practice the ancient Israeli art of self defence - Hava Nagida - on any drunken yob who happens to stagger through the door. You may never have heard of it, that's because it is taught only to a few Jews selected at birth. It makes karate and kung fu look like kiddies games by comparison. It's not a physical art by any means, some of it involves only me opening my mouth, you'd be amazed how effective it is.
Still much as I like it down here, when it's slow like today it's a bit like any other shift pushing around trollies. To get really involved I need something major like a plane crash to happen. I think if it carries on at this pace, I'll dust off a couple of ground to air missiles I've got hanging around my living room just to liven things up a little.
My plans for my trip to Iran took a slight knock when I was told that Pepsi Max is a forbidden substance there. Yep, you can get Heroin, Crack etc but they are so worried about people drinking the stuff and throwing themselves off of Mosque towers that it's a controlled substance and possession is punishable by stoning. Don't see decorating someone's house as punishment myself but different things for different cultures I guess. I'm gonna take the risk anyway, me without Pepsi Max is like John Prescott with a brain cell, just unimaginable. I suppose I'd better check out that Milk Tray can be carried openly as there are only so many hiding places on my body.
You can tell that elections are coming up as last night got a knock on the door from some politicians. My vote is already decided so these guys are wasting their time but it's always fun to have a debate with them and see what they'll promise to get my vote. I got one of them to agree that the art of sneaking into houses and leaving a box of chocolates should be added to the school curriculum. The other guy didn't seem too interested, he went on about annexing the Sudetenland and then starting on Poland. Wasn't too sure why, I think he's probably unhappy with the new Dustmen we've got but I believe they are from Estonia not Poland. Still easy mistake to make I guess, they are pretty close to each other, but I think to carry out his plan would increase the council tax and that I don't like.
Didn't speak to Benny last night as he's working for Councillor Liebeman, but I'm hoping that he'll take time off from recycling leaflets and do some work for me. After all when I come back from Iran he's going to have more tales to record and I don't want him getting swamped.
Shalom

The wheels of the trolley go round and round
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Tales From The Riverbank with Hammy Hamster
A quiet day yesterday, trying to decide what to pack for my trip to Iran later this month. I'm a bit limited on space seeing as for part of the journey I'll need a parachute, plus I need room for boxes of Milk Tray and some Pepsi Max, and you know these special forces guys I'll be flying with don't like clutter.
I'm also trying to make sure I look the part as a Ugandan, now my geography isn't great - we used to receive briefing packs so there was no guesswork - but I think it's in Africa. I was going to ask the cleaners at work, but they got replaced by a load of Eastern Europeans the other week. Now my experience is that I need to wear a load of loud shirts etc and switch to a dodgy diet of rotting meat and elephant dung. Doesn't sound too appetising but I've had worse, you ever eaten in the hospital canteen. Also where do you get this stuff, someone suggested Ebay but I've never had much luck on there, they never seem to have spare parts for Uzi's or any military hardware of any description. Still I might give it a look, I'll just type in Loud shirts and see what comes up.
I'll be popping in to the hospital later to do a couple of hours. Well the holiday pay will come in useful, and it's not normally busy on a Bank holiday so I can just sit in a corner and doze. Calm before the storm though as later in the week I'll be pulling on my scrubs and helping out in Surgery, these NHS cutbacks are getting worse, they are lucky to have someone with my experience available.
Tomorrow Benny and I will be getting together to discuss progress on my stories. Not sure how much time Benny will have to devote to working on them though, as councillor Liebeman wants some payback for helping Benny out and he may get roped into knocking on doors and getting the Jewish vote out on election day. I did do it for the councillor once, but he didn't like my technique of lobbing a stun grenade through the window and forcibly dragging the voters to the polling station. Said it probably cost him a few votes, plus a couple of his posters got damaged and he had to pay for them to be replaced. Benny is much more subtle and is less likely to use force. My argument is though that voting is a duty and if you won't do it voluntarily then you need to be persuaded. Maybe next time round I'll do a little campaigning I've certainly got the gift of the gab, and anyone not voting will pay for it afterwards.
Shalom

Weapons of Mass Destruction
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: The Birdie Song
I don't know why I bother heading off down the synagogue every Saturday. It's not as if I'm religious or anything, and I find all that chanting and praying stuff really tedious. I believe my mind would be better off breaking the code in that judge's ruling which captured everyone's imagination for about two hours the other day. Code breaking of course comes easy to my highly tuned Mossad trained mind, and it is a little know fact that my great uncle Abraham was actually the guy who stumbled across how to break the Third Reich's enigma code while punching the holes in some bagels. He didn't tell anyone of course, that's why there's no mention of him in the history books.
Actually the real reason most of us Jews head down the Synagogue is to keep up our contacts and do a few deals. I'm finding councillor Libeman more interesting by the day. Talking to him over the salt beef bagels yesterday he told me that he could do me a deal on some parachuting gear which I need for my trip to Iran next month. He didn't go into too many details, but it was too good an offer to refuse and he's promised to drop the stuff off after the election count later this week.
Benny's looking forward to getting some work done after the problems of the last few weeks, and some time this week we're going to crack open the last tin of Stella and get creative. This means not only will there finally be some movement on the website, but it means we'll need to do another booze cruise run in the near future. I'm in no rush to tell the truth as I'm hoping to come back with loads of duty free stuff from Iran. I don't know what sort of fags they smoke there, but it must be pretty potent stuff judging by some of the things that are said over there.
I'm looking forward to going to work this week. I'm down for duty in Casualty, and that's always great fun and I get a chance to hone my surgical skills. It's so busy down there that nobody really knows what's going on so I can slip on the white coat and show those other quacks down there a thing or two. It's another little known fact that the first Heart Transplant was not carried out by that South African geezer, but was performed by me and a sergeant in the 3rd Kosher division during the six day war on the battlefields of Egypt. Ok, we didn't really know what we were doing, and the bloke died, probably why there was no publicity...actually thinking about it, all I did was stick a band aid on his finger but that's close enough to surgery for me.
So if you end up down my neck of the woods this week rest assured you'll be in great hands...as long as I'm not around.
Shalom

I'm a fool.
Now Playing: Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
My little trip to Iran is coming together nicely, I managed to book a Mule called Pedro at a good rate, even better it comes with a free supply of carrots so that's one thing less I have to carry. I was a bit miffed though that I couldn't use my frequent flier miles to upgrade. As you know, as an international traveller I get lots of these miles, what's the use if I can't use them. Apparently if I'd used British Airways or someone they would have taken them, but for some reason El Al and US Air Force miles aren't too popular out in Iran. I'll be finding out why in the next few weeks, I may have to switch my allegiance.
That Benny's a card, he had me going about that scanner thing. I really thought he had a medical scanner, he even had me sit on the thing then tell me that my brain was fine. He said he wanted to keep the joke going, but he couldn't keep a straight face any longer. Turns out the damn thing is for paper and pictures. What a moron eh. He reckons it'll be a big help with my website once he's worked out all the little things it can do. Some of my old pictures for instance are either missing or for some reason have had my head cut off. He says he'll be able to reproduce them now. That's good, there are so many stories in them
Bad news about Bananaman. He's had a relapse. One of the dopey staff in the psycho ward thought they'd put on a Harry Belafonte album to cheer the patients up. All was well until the Banana Boat Song came on. It sent him over the edge again and he's back in a padded cell. Looks like to me the hospital need to create a new post of music censor to prevent this sort of thing from happening.
Well if it's Saturday it must be synagogue time. Benny is coming to pick me up in the Trabant shortly, I'm still waiting for my contact to come through with that cheap fuel for the fastest VW in the west, and until he does it's off the road. I don't even have enough to get to the nearest US air base to top it up. I would cycle to the synagogue but I don't want to get there too quickly, you know how I feel about the collection plate. Anyway better go and fix on my Skull cap, the angle at which you wear it says a lot about you, bet you didn't know that.
Shalom

Benny's scanner
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Worzel Gummidge
Brushed off the Tandem last night. I've never told you I had a fleet of bikes among other things. The Tandem isn't something I ride very often, and has historical significance since that night in Whitechapel with Ronnie Kray, but I'm sure in time Benny will get around to telling you about it. Anyway talking about Benny I popped round to see him last night to see how he has coped with all the problems he's had lately. I also wanted to take a peek at his new scanner. Well either Benny's managed to get a state of the art MRI machine or he's been conned, I mean you can just about fit a piece of paper on it so I've no idea how he's going to scan body parts. Benny seems to be happier now those crazy Jesus freaks are leaving him alone but his living room is full of those crosses they rejected at Easter. I'll take a few of them to Iran with me and see if I can get him some overseas interest. We also chatted about getting a few more of my tales online, and hopefully he'll get something new sorted out next week, especially now I have some new pics he can use.
I'm fine tuning my arrangements for my Iranian trip next month and have been trying to book a donkey for my trip from Teheran to Tel Aviv. Looks like a busy part of the year for donkey bookings, apparently it clashes with the season on Blackpool beach so I may have to slum it and go by Mule instead. I'm not too pleased about this as a man of my standing normally gets first class treatment all the way, but of course the Iranians don't know this. Maybe if I use some of my El Al frequent flier miles I'll get an upgrade.
Popped in to take a look at Bananaman who is looking better than he did a week or so ago. The head honcho of the psycho ward has told them to stop using the Banana scented air freshener and to make the tea using a dusty old bag of LT Teabags they found in a cupboard. This has proved more effective than the most powerful drugs, but if you've ever made Tea using LT Teabags you'd know that they are something that science could do wonders with. During the six day war I ditched my army issued first aid kit and used a bag of these teabags instead. Didn't save any lives as they proved pretty ineffective at reattaching limbs and the like, but when you made a cup of Tea man you thought you could take on the world...well at least Egypt.
Ok, better book the mule then double check my baggage allowance on the Israeli special forces flight.
Shalom

Memories
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Lavender Hill Mob
Well first of all thanks for the suggestions about how to give myself an instant suntan. Can't say many of them were very practical. Someone suggested I go and stand in the cold storage at Tesco's for a few days with only my head exposed. That way it would get frostbitten and turn black. Couple of problems with that idea, firstly they normally amputate frostbitten parts and I'm not too keen on that thought. The major stumbling block though is that I won't be able to get enough time off of work prior to leaving. Another guy who wants to remain anonymous - let's call him Keith - suggested a slightly different approach and said rather than shoving my head in a microwave, maybe I should use a gas oven. He even sent me instructions on how to do it, problem is I don't read german, so Keith if you can send me an English or Hebrew translation I'd be grateful. If all else fails, I've decided to try and wing it and if questioned just say I'm feeling a bit off colour.
Someone else sent me some old pictures of me in action. Man they brought back so many memories for me, I'd even forgotten some of those events. I'll forward them to Benny and see what he can do with them. Talking of Benny, I actually got round to talking to him yesterday. He says it seems that councillor Liebeman must have done something as the phone calls have stopped. He has also been busy playing with his new scanner. I didn't think Benny's house was big enough for one of those MRI things, but he was talking of building an extension to his kitchen so maybe he's done it. Nice to see him helping out the NHS too. I may go around and check it out if I can get some petrol for the fastest VW in the west. The price of petrol has started to spiral out of control a bit, but I have a mate at one of the airports who has offered to siphon some out of the tank of a 747 for me at a very good price. In my line of work you build up contacts everywhere and you never know when they'll come in useful.
Meanwhile at the hospital things are very quiet. I've cleared out the vegetable patch so I can now sit back and relax a bit. Someone suggested I go and empty the bins or something, but I'm not qualified for that. Popped by to see Bananaman who is coming to a bit. His ravings have subsided somewhat but he is now demanding to know what has happened to his mug. I told him he looks the same as when he came in, but he must still be a little mad and doesn't understand what I'm telling him.
Anyway better pump up the tyres on the tandem and go and see Benny.
Shalom

A distinct lack of excitement
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Brokeback Mountain
After the excitement of the previous day, this was a real case of after the Lord Mayors show. No phone calls from strange councillors, no phone calls from Tel Aviv, not even anything exciting going on at the hospital. Having spent the last week doing the graveyard run, this week I'm doing the veggies - those people who are basically not with us anymore but technically still alive. I can talk to them at least, and - unlike the doctors - I get a response, normally they flatline just after I open my mouth. The doctors love it when I'm up there as their workload goes down a bit. Not sure about the guy who takes over the graveyard run though, he's busier than normal. Normally by about Thursday I've cleared out the Vegetable plot as it's called here so I can start doing my own thing. For those of you concerned about Bananaman, he's still with us but locked away for his own safety. The word is he is recovering very slowly so I'm sure we'll hear more about him soon.
Still no word from Benny so I don't know what's going on with him, I told you yesterday that councillor Liebeman was going to sort out the Jesus Jockeys who've been bothering him, but until I hear more the trail has gone cold...a bit like some of the patients at the hospital after they meet me.
Tonight I slipped a new DVD into the player called 'Bareback Mountain' or something which one of the guys at work told me was a good western and would appeal to a macho bloke like me. I think I'll take it back to Blockbuster though as it appears they've given me the wrong film. I was expecting some sort of John Wayne epic, but these cowboys are a little too friendly with each other for my liking so I think there's been a mix up and I've been given something from the gay porn section. Wouldn't be the first time, maybe I need to teach them a lesson. Still I'm moving ever closer to finally being able to stomach that Mossad movie so something good is coming out of it.
The only other thing that I'm working on is trying to figure out how I'm going to look like that Ugandan businessman my travel documents show me as. I'm not sure doing the tanning studio run is going to work, and accelerating the process by sticking my head in the microwave isn't on either as I can't get the door closed at the same time. The old favourite is boot polish but I've always been a bit allergic to the old Cherry Blossom. Maybe some black enamel paint from B&Q will do the trick. I did ask them for another form of ID but they told me that as mine is a budget trip it's the best I'll get. Well I didn't get where I am today by not being able to improvise when the pressure's on.
Shalom

That's the way to do it
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Brief Encounter
Exciting night last night, the Tel Aviv hotline rang and it was councillor Liebeman telling me to get round to Benny's street quick as his specially hired hit squad were about to deal with those demonstrators outside Benny's front door. Well I hopped on my bike - parking is a problem down Benny's street - to see what was going on. It was a polished operation, these guys were obviously trained according to the training manuals I have written. Due to the parking situation they had opted to use a helicopter and a few stun grenades and it worked a treat. The layabouts dropped their posters and run. It did disturb Benny's neighbours a bit but I don't think the problem will arise again. Just a pity we couldn't turn our Uzi's on the lazy bastards but councillor Liebeman was adamant about that.
So one problem is over for Benny, but the Jesus Jockeys are still giving him a hard time on the phone, so much so that Benny has unplugged it. The councillor has said he will trace the calls and those people will also be dealt with. So hopefully Benny can get back to business as usual and finally get the Fairoaks story up on the site.
Not much else going on. I did check the hospital newsletter to see if I'd received rave reviews for my role the other night, but there was no mention of it. Some people just don't appreciate talent. I'd have also changed the plot a little bit to make it more realistic, that scene on the balcony I'd have set at an El Al check in desk, my line would have fitted in better then I think.
Got my schedule for my forthcoming trip to Iran. I've got to say that the local travel agents are not so fast in confirming arrangements but the Tel Aviv one does things differently anyway. Not only do you get tickets etc, but you are also provided with a false passport and other dodgy ID documents. I'm using an alias in Iran, apparently I'm a Ugandan businessman called Idi. I'm a bit concerned about the picture in the passport and may have to go and do some sessions down the local tanning salon to look a bit like it but that's all part of the fun.
Shalom

Late today
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Rambo
Sorry I'm a bit late today, the hospital were a bit short so I had to help out in the theatre for a while. Strange for a hospital to have a theatre but needs do as needs must these days, thankfully I didn't have many lines to learn, in fact so as not to overload my head with info they gave me the line "Throw me the gun I can get a head shot from here". Can't remember that ever being in Romeo and Juliet but they do say Shakespere was ahead of his time. I am of course used to working in different types of theatres, those of war and the operating ones. I keep offering to help out the hospital in both of these areas but they reckon it would breach their agreement with the union plus they don't want to have to allocate a special parking space for the fastest VW in the west.
Had a very relaxing day yesterday watching "Love Story". Now I know they'll be those of you wondering why an all action type of guy like me watched it. Well I'm just psyching myself up to get used to these types of films so I can watch that "Mossad" one. I know the other week I sounded very annoyed by the fact that it wasn't an all action film. However if it has Mossad in the title there is a chance that one of my exploits might receive some sort of mention. I like watching Hollywood or whoever interpret my life, even though they don't seem willing to splash the cash in my direction.
Benny has barricaded himself into his house and unplugged his phone. This is the fault of those long haired layabouts who have camped outside his front door, and the Jesus Jockeys who just won't let this dodgy cross thing drop. He said he'd give them their money back, but it seems they want more. The layabouts won't be a problem for long as I believe councillor Liebeman has assembled a crack squad of council officials to sort them out. I wasn't aware the council had an elite group trained in the art of cracking skulls, but apparently he's hired them in from Israel for a couple of days. I'll give a report when I find out what's happened. As for Benny and his updates...well until I can get hold of him I don't know what's happening. I'll send out a carrier budgie tonight, hopefully that'll get some response.
Shalom

Ain't Carrots expensive
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Love Story
So went off shopping yesterday to get a few things for my forthcoming trip. I was stunned by the price of Carrots, what's going on, is there a world shortage or are other people planning the same trip to Iran? I even thought about nipping into the hospital kitchen and nicking a few, but decided against it, I think they have the Veg storage area under CCTV watch. In the end I've decided to wait and see if the price comes down, if worse comes to worse I could always smuggle them out of Tesco's one at a time.
Before shopping of course it was Synagogue day where I made a point of making sure councillor Liebeman knows I'm off to Iran. He seemed very interested in it, and told me to make sure he gets a copy of all my holiday snaps. It's nice to know our elected officials take such an interest in our mundane little lives. He did ask me to make sure I noted where each picture was taken, although as an old hand I knew that already. Still the councillor is a stickler for detail that's for sure.
Poor Benny looked a bit harassed, not only is he getting loads of those cross things returned, the old Jesus Jockeys are now knocking on his door and giving him a hard time. They are not happy by all accounts as it sort of ruined last week for them. On top of that he now appears to have a scruffy load of students hanging around on the pavement outside his house claiming that Benny exploits disabled asylum seekers. They won't be a problem for too long though, councillor Libeman doesn't like these sort of things on his patch and has promised to sort it out. Benny has also been reminded that he should go back to exploiting slave workers in the far east like everybody else.
Anyway today I'm looking forward to some rest and relaxation, and will spend a pleasant couple of hours polishing the shaft of my Uzi while watching Love Story.
Shalom

Iran it is!
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Where Eagles Dare
Well that's my holiday arrangements made, and Iran it is. Checked in with my old mate at a special travel agents in Tel Aviv, he's booked me onto an El Al flight to Tel Aviv, there I'll join up with some Israeli special forces blokes and then they'll push me out of the plane somewhere over Tehran so I can do a HALO drop. Then a few nights in Khomeni's bed and breakfast before making my way back to Tel Aviv by Donkey. I can't wait it has everything I need for a break. A hostile environment, no Americans, interesting architecture - particularly those new Mosques they are building, and if things get a little sticky a chance to use some weaponary. I even get a 20% refund if I come back with some pictures of the new Mosques...what a deal! So this weekend I'll be doing a little holiday shopping, although I have to pack light because I'll have a parachute on for some of the way. First stop I think will be to get some Carrots for the Donkey. I hear they're pricey in Tehran.
Work hasn't been interesting this week, then again pushing stiffs around isn't noted for being exciting. Bananaman hasn't been seen this week, I asked one of the nurses on the Psycho ward and he told me he's still in the padded cell. They daren't let him out until all the Banana scented air freshener has been used up, and seeing as they bought a job lot off a stall down the market that could be a while. Apparently he is a gibbering wreck although I don't know how they tell the difference. That's one field I don't have much training in, well you can't kill someone with psychiatry, give me an Uzi any day.
Benny still hasn't put the Fairoaks story up so I called him to find out what the problem is. He says it's nothing technical, just work related. He had a load of the crosses he made up for that big church shindig last week returned, they were all falling apart in the middle. He says it's the last time he employs a load of blind Albanian asylum seekers at 50p an hour. He got a better job buying them in from China. So much for trying to keep the industry at home eh.
Better go to Synagogue today, don't want to upset Rabbi Goldberg anymore than I have to, plus I know councillor Libeman will be there. I figure it's best to try and keep in with these people at the moment, especially the councillor. I've even put up an election poster for him in my bedroom window. He's a shrewd git, he uses the same posters every election, makes sure we put them up with Blu-tack, and comes around and collects them all when the election's over. Saves on expenses, he's only had to pay out once. Mind you he could do with getting some new ones in my opinion, people think they're voting for some 25 year old geezer and he must be almost 60 by now.
Ok, better go, and with any luck I've avoided the collection plate going around.
Shalom