Undercover operations
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bananas in pyjamas
Not much time to write today, got a call that the Duty Trolley Manager needs me for some sort of undercover thing. At last my talents are being recognised! I have no idea what it's about...ok I don't have any idea about lots of things...but this coupled with the little chat I'm going to be having with Rabbi Goldberg later in the week certainly means that it's back to business and a chance to show off those polished skills I have developed over the years.
My packing is completed for the Iran trip with the exception of my washbag which I'll pack at the last minute by cycling down to Mo's and seeing what I can get on the cheap. I'll need some touch up black paint that's for sure as the paint job I'll do on the special ops plane probably won't last for long if I actually wash from time to time. So it's all coming together, the last really big obstacle is the El Al check in desk at Fairoaks. It's always chaos when El Al check in, everyone is trying to get upgrades or last minute discounts, some are even angling to get bumped and get a nice bit of compo in the guise of a fistful of Shekels (Yes I know that's the title of an Israeli western), but I really need to be on that flight so I'll be setting off nice and early. You can't check in online with El Al, frequent flyer or not.
I don't leave until Thursday afternoon, but Benny has promised to try and leave you all a little something on a daily basis while I'm away which will be nice of him. I am hoping to set up a clandestine radio link with him from Tehran so I can keep you up to date with my trip, we'll see how it works. That won't happen if I can't nick the gear off of the special ops guys though.
So for once going to work looks like it might be exciting. It's very unusual for the DTM to call you in like that so it's obvious I've been specially picked for the task in hand. I don't really know him that well, we've sort of had a falling out after he caught me trying to dismantle his telephone. He really got the wrong end of the stick, and accused me of trying to play a joke on him by shoving cardboard in the mouthpiece so no one would be able to hear him. He was way off though, as I was actually trying to fit a bugging device in there, but those bloody cheap and nasty Tandy things didn't fit in there. That'll teach me for buying in their sale.
Ok, well I'd better be going, I'm off down the bank first to get some of that Iranian money, Khomeni's B&B don't take cards and charge 5 shekels a day for the privilege of staying there. A rip off if you ask me, I'm sure if I booked it myself on Expedia or something I'd have got it cheaper but as I'm not that good doing this online stuff I left it to the experts in Tel Aviv. Then to work and my undercover operation, can't wait.
Shalom

Special Projects
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Mr Benn
Well yesterday was pretty uneventful after Synagogue. My mind was racing with what Rabbi Goldberg has in mind as a special project. I have no idea what he means as I haven't been tapping his phones recently, but it's not a term he would use very often so it must be serious. He said he'll discuss it with me just before I go to Iran so maybe it's to do with that.
Talking of Iran, I'll be zipping off there this week, and I'm getting really excited about it. I'm going to do some packing today, and the first thing is my parachute as they've told me they don't have any spares in Tel Aviv. Probably won't leave much room for much else as El Al are pretty tight fisted about their hand luggage and I like to carry the thing with me in case of hijackings or anything. I'll be taking a couple of black outfits and of course my newly made Hare Krisna robes on the grounds that they are not too keen on Jews in that part of the world for some reason. Sadly I'm not going to be able to take any Milk Tray or Pepsi Max with me, I just don't have the room.
Of course when you go somewhere different, people want little souvenirs. I've already told you that councillor Liebeman wants some nice pictures of the new Mosques. Benny wants me to nick a rug from one of them, and one of the other guys has given me a challenge to fly an Israeli flag from the top of the oldest mosque in Qom. Don't know if I'll get time to do that. When I asked my mates at work if they'd like anything special, a couple of them piped up that they'd like to see me come home in a box. I was planning to fly back, but I'll check the postage costs, might be able to save myself a few dinaris, plus I can save some wear and tear on my bike if I get posted directly to the hospital. Maybe that's what Rabbi Goldberg wants to talk to me about, he wants something special from the duty free shop or something.
There are times I hate quiet weekends, you can only polish your weapon so many times. So this weekend I decided it was time to give the DVD a run out again. I haven't been watching much TV lately what with everything going on, so I decided to go down the Kosher rental store and see what I could find. I picked up a nice little box set of 'Love Boat' as I've had dreams about ships all week so I was hoping this would help me get them out of my system. Once again the title is very misleading as I thought it would be all about boats, but no. It's some crappy American thing about a cruise ship. It's a real let down let me tell you and I had to watch a few of the DVD's just to make sure, you know how sometimes they do a 4 or 5 part special about one particular boat and that's what I thought I was watching. I was hoping to learn about that Chinese Aircraft Carrier I mentioned the other day which must be pretty unique to have the only Spanish captain in the Chinese navy. I haven't been able to find out about that anywhere, so maybe it's a very hush hush alliance. I'll mention it to my contacts and see what they say.
Ok, time to cycle down to the Bagel Bake, you can't beat a hot Bagel on a Sunday.
Shalom.

Reunion Night
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Postman Pat
Well managed to locate the necessary information to attend last nights little reunion. These events are always good fun, although I'm not really a regular as I don't like to be away from the Tel Aviv hotline too long and sometimes the venue might be as far away as Stockwell. To an outsider these events would look odd. Conversation doesn't seem to be flowing, but that's because we all talk in code and you always need a few seconds to decipher what the other guy has said. Also to the uneducated it would seem as we're at a Funeral or something because we all wear the necessary black outfits. Well you don't want to be spotted lurking around the rooftops as you try to get in. I used my normal method of entry...shaped charge on the door and bang. As I mentioned yesterday this sort of thing pisses off the owners of the venue so we have to have a whip round to pay for the damage. I was really impressed with one guy last night though, he'd found a way through the sewer system and emerged from the bog! Found out later he has the nickname Faeces Man, and toilet operations are his speciality. There is a lot of one upmanship at this sort of thing too, as we all try to outdo each other with our latest gadget. I gave up on this a while ago as my deliveries from Israel aren't as frequent as they once was, I think the last thing I impressed anyone with was the number of uses you could find for Mossad issued Condoms. I didn't see anything particularly spectacular there last night but that's because I think we're all waiting for the next James Bond film to come out, that is normally pretty inspiring. It's always nice to see our much maligned industry get a glamorous boost.
Sometimes Benny accompanies me to these things, but he couldn't make it last night, said he wanted to play with his scanner. I've known Benny long enough now to realise that the old rascal is up to something, I have no idea what he's up to but I'm sure I'll discover over time.
A bit later penning this today as of course it's Saturday. Now many years ago I would have said that Saturday is Tiswas day. But my memories of Chris Tarrant and Sally James have now been blotted out by Saturday is Synagogue day. Somehow Rabbi Goldberg and Golda Liebeman (The wife of the councillor) just don't have the same attraction, and I find the whole thing quite boring. Where are the buckets of water, and even more where is The Phantom Pie flinger or whatever he was called. I know most young males used to fantasise over Sally but the Phantom Flinger was my favourite, could have had something to do with his black outfit. Anyway Rabbi Goldberg has said he wants to talk to me over the next few days about a special project. For once I'm quite interested as special projects normally mean I get the chance to dust off my gear and do some real work. I'll keep you posted.
Shalom

The glorious twelfth
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Fingerbobs
Had a bit of an awkward situation with the ginger haired geezer's quack yesterday. Apparently he was a bit upset about something someone had told him I wrote in this thing. I was impressed anybody even read it but there you go. Anyway he wanted me to make clear that the reason he has a brand new Ferrari is not because he takes backhanders writing dodgy sicknotes for Random Limp Syndrome or Variable Bad Backs, but he happened to win it at a local WI meeting. It wasn't even first prize, that was a years supply of cake mix apparently. Only too happy to set the record straight doc, and I hope he has fun at that Civil War re-enactment, don't know whether he'll be a Roundhead or Cavalier, but it's nice to know that he keeps an eye on his patient's activities.
That aside it was another uneventful day down in outpatients, but it's also one of our busier ones. Thursdays is the day they round up all the old 'uns to take them down the post office and pick up their pensions. As part of a cost cutting drive, they now drop them off at the hospital so they can be ignored by the doctors for a few hours then they pick them up. I get a bit fed up wheeling them around listening to their war stories, compared to me what they've done is small fry. I don't even know what there is to boast about in some cases, so they had a day out at the beach back in 1944...big deal.
When I got home there was a letter from Khomeni's B&B on the doorstep. Nothing dramatic, just letting me know in advance of some of the rules and regulations of the place. That's a nice touch. It tells me I'm expected to bring my own prayer rug - although I can hire one while I'm there - and expected to read from the Koran or something before I tuck into breakfast. I'll have to go down Smith's and see if I can find that on the magazine rack. Maybe it's an Iranian version of 'Hello' magazine. One thing I didn't like was the rule about removing my shoes before entering the breakfast room. Mossad issued footwear is hard to come by and I'm not having some thieving Arab run off with them. Could be a problem there. Maybe I can claim some sort of cultural difference. Anyway I'm looking forward to my stay, and I'll let you know more about it in the next few days.
Tonight is the monthly secret agent reunion, don't know where it is yet, apparently they've left the instructions in a 'dead' letter box in Tooting High Street so I'll be stopping off there on my way home. It's always nice to meet up with some of the lads, but I'm never happy about the whip round at the end to pay for broken items. We got banned from one place who wanted to know why we couldn't use their front door instead of crashing through windows, and blowing off doors. Some people just don't understand.
Shalom

A quiet day
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Bagpuss
Yesterday was quiet, very quiet, it was if everybody had got better and there was no need for a hospital anymore. Well I always take the opportunity of quiet days like these to hone my secret agent skills. I may have been one of the best that Mossad has ever had, but that doesn't mean I don't need to practice. So I spent a couple of hours trailing people, and even more time trying to tap a few phones. Then I went on the roof and made sure I'm still flexible enough to adopt those awkward sniper positions. I'm getting on a bit you know so they're getting no easier. Why didn't I spend the day with my feet up in the canteen chatting with my mates you may ask. Well I don't like to get too friendly, you never know when you're going to get the call to "take one out" and I don't mean to the pub.
After work I cycled home and stopped at Mo's discount store to see if he's got in that black paint I ordered. It's dawned on me that the weather isn't going to be good enough for me to get a nice dark tan before I go away, so I need to help the process along. Mossad scientists have developed this stuff which would be the envy of any woman looking for an instant suntan, and Mo has the right connections to get it with no questions asked. However it's not in yet, Mo said he'll give me a call when it falls off the back of a military transport...whatever that means.
I was a bit disappointed by that, stopped off at the Kosher Fried Chicken house for a takeaway, and made my way home where I polished the fastest VW in the west to kill some time. It's got a lovely paint job, although I was a bit annoyed at the large number seven someone put on the bonnet. The geezer who did it told me that he was only recognising the fact that it was the only VW Beetle to win not only the Monaco Grand Prix, but also the Indianapolis 500, so I sort of decided to stick with it. Sometimes though it seems the car has a mind of its own.
Then I went round to Benny's place. He's out of Stella now so we're drinking some stuff called 'Barbican' or something which he found down the back of his shed. He said the last owner of his house must have left it there. Can't say I'm too bloody surprised, it tastes awful and doesn't have much of a kick to it. I like to have a bit of a buzz about me when I drive home if you know what I mean, the only place this crap gives me a buzz is in my guts or maybe that was the Chicken. Anyway me and Benny spent some time going through some old pictures that he has somehow managed to get hold of. You may have already seen some of these pictures but Benny wanted to make sure I didn't have a problem with him using them. I think he's concerned about revealing my identity. There's one that takes me wayyyy back. I won't say anything as I don't want to spoil your fun, but Benny reckons he'll have time to sort them out in the next week or so.
After that I went home and had a strange dream about a Chinese Aircraft Carrier called the 'Mao Tse Tung' that had a Spanish captain. I think there's a message there somewhere.
Shalom

This Is Your Life
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Andy Pandy
You know something, that Benny is a real sneak. Once again without letting me know he's quietly slipped a new page onto the website called Pictures. He must know someone who works in the photo department at Boots as a couple of the pictures are from my private collection. At least he had the good sense to apply some security precautions before posting them. Anyway with any luck you'll all suffer those "technical difficulties" which Benny is so fond of and get those nice little red boxes with a cross in them where the pictures should be.
I slipped upstairs to the psycho ward yesterday to see how my old mate Bananaman is getting on. He seems to be doing better now, he's out of the padded cell, and they've given him a train set to play with, and according to the Ward Sister he spends all day playing with it. She says it's so sweet, he reminds her of the Fat Controller, and he's always going on about "making up the service", "we need to get that one to Golders", and "has the exam report generated yet". She doesn't have a clue what he's talking about but it keeps him quiet. One of the things that has helped in that respect is some new gear I got them to enhance security there. Some experts I know have developed some super sensitive electronic sniffing equipment, allegedly to detect explosives, I merely tweeked it a bit to sniff out Bananas, so everyone going within 100 yards of the psycho ward now has to pass through the Banana screener. It's upset a lot of people who have complained to the hospital management about a Banana ban. I'm surprised nobody's told the press yet.
Back down in Outpatients I spotted someone who looked familiar, but once again I couldn't quite make out where from. Big ginger headed geezer, has trouble with his W's or something. Anyway I had to ask one of the quacks what was wrong with him as he looked pretty fit to me. He said he has Random Limp Syndrome which is pretty hard to detect as it only strikes him within sight of Railway train yards. The Doctor concerned has been treating him for years and only recently had him on the books for a variable bad back. This particular ailment only struck him when certain items were shown to him, the Doc even showed me one of the things and it looked like a long bar to me. I thought he might be some sort of nut job, but the quack dismissed that saying he's been treating such things for years. Later I saw the same quack get into a nice top of the range Ferrari, how he can afford that I don't know, maybe he's been doing some private work.
Anyway better get going, Benny's just called and he has some more pictures he wants me to clear for public viewing.
Shalom

Mission Impossible
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Muffin The Mule
Well as hopefully you've all spotted, Benny was busy yesterday putting a guestbook thingy up on the site. He did this after I complained that I couldn't always see the comments you lot were leaving for me. Hopefully it works ok, I'm just waiting for someone to take the plunge and leave a message. Even better it gives Tel Aviv another way of leaving those coded messages asking me to save the world or Israel or something.
Talking of the world, someone reminded me at work that the World Cup of Football is taking place this year. Now as you may have read I have very fond memories of this tournament after my antics in 1966, and I'm looking to get involved this year too. Problem is my main team - Israel didn't make it so cheap tickets are not an option. I was thinking of touting the Swiss connection, but those tight fisted gits won't give me any freebies. Still in my line of work you have connections and I'm hoping that my regular helicopter pilot gets that summer job he's after with German TV, ok I'll be about 3000 feet above ground, but it'll be for free. Maybe I could cause a stir at the Final by sliding down a rope onto the pitch, done it thousands of times with the Milk Tray in my hand.
Khomeni's B&B replied to my e-mail, and I must admit to being a bit disappointed by their reply. They said they know nothing about high tech Mosques being built. You'd think they would know what's going on in their own country if even I'm aware of it. I think I'll do them a favour and take a few pics for them to put up on their walls. Be better than what they've got up already from what I've seen, some miserable old bastard in a turban and beard.
Work was pretty humdrum yesterday, I spent the day wheeling old grannies around who wanted to tell me about their grandkids and pet cats. May I say now I don't give a f***, and the only reason I don't say anything is I need this job for cover, and for somewhere to stash my Uzi. Listening to them prattle away is like listening to Bananaman but not so funny. Talking of Bananaman, I'm going to pop up and see him today, rumour has it he's almost recovered and may be released. This would be a tragedy as he's raised quite a bit of money for the hospital with his performances. Still if one psycho leaves another will take its place, and maybe laughing at these characters will prove a good earner for the hospital and save a few jobs. Failing that I'll be forced to instigate the protection racket again, you know if you don't pay up we won't change the bedsheets, some lessons from Ronnie and Reggie will never be forgotten.
Shalom

UPDATE FROM BENNY
I have started putting a link onto every page for a new guestbook feature which will allow our man's fans to interact a little. Just click on the link you'll find either at the top or bottom of the page to access it. On the Blog page you'll find it at the left hand side.
This will be on all pages by the end of the day.
Sorry about the pop up advert you'll see when you first go to it, but hey this stuff is all being done on the cheap...OK it's all free.
I also hope to have the East End page working correctly some time today, plus some new pictures which have come into my possession.
Thanks for your patience

BENNY

Monday moaning
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Woodentops
Well another week back at the old grindstone. I'm not working casualty this week, I'm down in outpatients wheeling old grannies around to quacks who have their pens poised over death certificates. I hate outpatients. It's noisy, I can hardly hear myself talk, and you don't get nothing dramatic down there either as everyone is capable of being sent back home, or in the case of the really old ones, being left out like the rubbish until someone remembers they're there. At least I'll be able to nip up to the psycho ward and see how old Bananaman is getting on. I missed him last week.
So yesterday I dragged myself down to Mo's discount store to see if I could get a clip on ponytail to make me look like one of these Hare Krishna types. Mo's helped me out with my disguises before, but even he is struggling with the black man with a ponytail one. All he had was blonde ones too so I guess I'll have to paint it a different colour. Someone suggested I should nip down Oxford Street during the week as there is a Hare Krishna procession down there everyday so I can really get a feel for them. Seems a good idea, and now I've managed to work out how I can get that line about Harry Rama in, it's all systems go.
Since he started to put my exploits up on the internet I've had frequent contact with Benny. He's really put out by the problems he's having with the pictures and blames the cheap software he's using. This is what happens when you buy from a stall in Brick Lane. I've promised to get him something special from Tel Aviv when I'm over there. OK it might only be a soft cheese Bagel but it'll be good. Anyway Benny reckons he'll get it sorted as he's working on something else to go up there and it won't take much effort to put things right. I hope not, I don't think he realises how much damage he is doing to my reputation. I am known worldwide for my attention to detail, look at the amount of effort I'm putting into this Iran trip, and my record for delivering boxes of Chocolates is second to none, I've never had a return yet.
No reply yet from the B&B about the new Mosques. I bet they're putting a little package together for me. You would think the Iranians would be pleased to show off their state of the art Mosque technology, but they're treating it as some sort of state secret. Still with my highly trained nose I'll be able to sniff them out from miles around, and besides I'm told that the locals flock to these things pretty regularly during the day so I'll just follow the crowd. I'm very good at blending in and making myself look invisible, I did it for years in my previous job.
One final word about the comments you may leave. It seems the system doesn't always work and I can't read all of them. If you want to make any comments it's probably easier if you e-mail me at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk or just click on the contact link on any of the pages. Maybe I should just get Benny to put up a guestbook for people to sign, that may be easier.
Shalom

More technical difficulties
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Mary, Mungo, and Midge
Yesterday was Synagogue day of course, and while there I was chatting to Benny, who told me he's been getting reports that one of the pages isn't working too well and not showing pictures. Now he knows about the problem, he'll be dealing with it during the week. Just as well because one of the pictures concerned is one of my all time favourites when Ronnie, Reggie and me were drinking buddies.
The rest of the day I was fitting myself up for the orange gear I'm going to wear in Iraq. I've had a smart idea with that by the way, to save luggage space, I'm going to incorporate the outfit with my parachute for my HALO jump when I get dropped off over Iran, smart eh? Still debating about the hairstyle though, as I'm not sure I can generate enough hair for the ponytail. Maybe I can get one of those stick on ponytail things, I'll go down to Mo's discount shop and see if he's got any in stock. Also a bit of a spanner has been thrown in the works with regard the old Hare Krishna song. I've now been told there is actually a second line involving some geezer called Harry Rama. Where he gets into all this stuff I don't know, but it means I've got to go back to the drawing board as far as learning the song is concerned. Life is so confusing sometimes. Why couldn't they sing an Engelbert Humperdinck song, I know all the words to The Last Waltz. Anyway I've still got a few days to learn the words, maybe if I imagine it as some code it'll come easier.
I also received a little postcard yesterday from Khomeni's Bed and Breakfast in Tehran, advising me that they don't do a Kosher breakfast, but would Halal Bacon be ok. I prefer Danish Bacon myself but if they want to use the cheaper stuff that's ok with me. Not too pleased with the check out time either, after first prayers, what the bloody hell does that mean? Don't tell me it's some sort of crazy religious place. Not sure I could handle that. I'm going to e-mail them back as well as my request to the Tehran tourist office for some information about their new Mosques seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Maybe the B&B will know something.
One thing I noticed this morning that a couple of comments were posted at the bottom of the page yesterday. All comments are welcome, and if need be I'll reply to them in future entries, maybe when things are running a bit slow. So to those who left them yesterday, thanks, and feel free to leave more. It's nice to know someone's reading this stuff.
Ok, I've got some e-mails to write and I'll harass Benny to sort out his problems.
Shalom

Weekend warrior
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Chigley
Well last shift ended at the hospital and I can now take a well earned rest. Pushing those trollies about isn't easy you know. They can be a bugger to steer, especially if you get the one with wheels like a supermarket trolley. All my experience from doing this job means I can spot the ones at Tesco's that ain't much cop. People look at me like I'm some sort of weirdo as I get down and check the wheels, and it costs me a fortune in pound coins as I have to release them to be able to do a test drive, and some people are only too happy to take my rejects. Of course I'm also making sure the trolley hasn't been tampered with in any way and isn't rigged to go off if I put a pound of frozen Peas in a certain place.
As I'm a man of leisure this weekend I thought I'd go and share some kosher beer with Benny last night. He is much more relaxed as he managed to retrieve most of the election junk for councillor Liebeman so his costs have been minimal. We were looking at some old pictures which he recently found and decided that if you want some insight into my past we should put them up on the website. Benny does need to apply some security measures on them first though but it shouldn't take him long so hopefully you'll see them in the next few days.
Talking of councillor Liebeman he's now given me the ok to publish the election result as the necessary formalities have been taken care of and the cheques have cleared.

NORVENTIA DISTRICT COUNCIL (MERTON WARD EAST)
Result of election held on May 4th 2006

Liebeman, Ben Gurion, The Likud party candidate 1987
Merciless, Minge The, Alien Alliance 45
Umbongo Umbongo They Drink it in the Congo, Commie-Tec 98
Error, Typing, UJF 0
Machkenna, Heinrich, National Socialist, 967
Compass, Captain, Lost Party 154

Spoiled Ballot Papers 1674

Ben Gurion Liebeman is hereby elected councillor for the above mentioned ward.

As you can see a comfortable victory for our main man, and as I mentioned yesterday most of the spoilt papers were the result of some election manipulation by Commie-Tec that was uncovered by the Likud party security team. Bit worried about that National Socialist result, I remember that guy, I told you that one of the candidates had prattled onto me about the Sudetenland and Poland. He gave me the creeps for other reasons too, like the black outfit with the old skull and crossbones on the lapels, and those polished black jackboots. I think I've seen that outfit somewhere before.
I was going to try out my old ground to air missiles today, but instead I'm working on the orange bedsheets I got down the market to get them ready for my holiday. So I'd better get working.
Shalom

Election Night Special
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Camberwick Green
So election night has come and gone, as expected councillor Liebeman breezed home. Over the years he has seen his majority reduced, he can always depend on the Jewish vote, but with all the new corner shops springing up in the area his power base has been undermined somewhat. There was a bit of a sensation last night though as initially it was thought he had lost. Then after closely examining the votes everyone realised that Commie-Tec may have been guilty of some election fraud and it is suspected that the same guy voted 1576 times. I was a little concerned too, looking at the ballot papers I was worried that people might think it was me, after all they all had my signature on them. So councillor Liebeman is there for another 4 years, I would publish the result but a couple of areas haven't declared yet and I've been told to wait.
Everyday I always check Benny's website and much to my surprise he's posted something new on there. The rascal, he never told me. It's one of my favourite memories, those days when Ronnie, Reggie and me would go and smash up pubs, betting shops etc just for fun. I learnt a lot from them two before they went off the rails a bit. By that time I was getting ready for a career in Mossad, but I'd applied some of their techniques in a dealing with a guy called Arnold George Dorsey over a rent issue. He became quite famous apparently.
Benny himself is quite glad the election is over, although he has the task now of going to retrieve all the election material that was dished out. As I've explained before, in his own way the councillor likes to look after the environment and recycle his material, some of the posters must be 40 years old. Benny is sort of dreading doing it as people have a tendency to throw the stuff away, and if he comes up short he'll have to pay for replacements (councillor Liebeman keeps a record of this sort of thing). Following his recent losses at Easter he doesn't need that. So if you're in my neck of the woods and see some geezer diving down dustbins, it's not a tramp, it's probably Benny looking for an election leaflet of two.
Last shift today, and all in all it's been a very quiet week, but with all the election excitement I haven't needed to down any planes to generate some work. Instead I've passed the time trying to learn the lyrics to "My Sweet Lord" in preparation for my Iran trip in a couple of weeks time. One of my mates at work thinks I'm wasting my time and should just chant Hare Krishna over and over again if I'm stopped, apparently if you do it in London people look at you as if you're crazy, he thinks the same thing will work in places like Tehran and Qom. It's an idea and it would be a lot easier to learn that than this George Harrison song.
Shalom

I wanna be elected
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Trumpton
So Benny came up trumps after all, I thought he was too busy doing stuff for councillor Liebeman but as he told me, he already had the base for the page just needed to adjust it a little. After all the election stuff dies down after today, he already has plans to get the next story down.
Talking of elections I popped into the polling station and cast my vote, no surprises who my signature went against although I'm not happy that you have to sign against the name you're voting for. Surely it's not a secret if they can tell who you vote for. Anyway I always find it amusing to look at the other candidates and in my area you always get a few oddballs, but enough about the Lib-Dems. I noticed that one of the parties used the abbreviation UJF although I think there was a typing error for the guys name. Then there was a party called Commie-Tec, I think they are extreme left wing, apparently their candidate had been struck off after it was discovered he was standing in three areas at the same time and didn't have the right documentation to be in the country anyway. we didn't have a Hamas candidate this time around but I'm sure they'll pop up at the General Election. I might even give it a go myself, but then again that would blow my cover so maybe not.
The fastest hospital trolley in the west seems particularly easy to push around today. I'm really pleased that Benny has got that Fairoaks story up and running. That incident was one of the highlights of my colourful career, which will begin to emerge over the coming months as Benny gets down in words what I've put on tape. Benny calls them the greatest stories ever told. I'm inclined to agree with him, better than that thick book which they dish out in churches that also claims the same title.
Long day today, I'm providing security at the election count later and depending on turnout I may not get to bed until 10:30. Councillor Liebeman reckons the result is a formality. He normally does a little sweepstakes on how many votes he is likely to get. It's uncanny how he always gets the winning ticket, plus how accurate he always is. That's an experienced politician for you.
Shalom

UPDATE
Benny tells me that the link to The Fairoaks Airport Massacre should now be working. He's put up a modified version of the page but without all the pictures he was going to use, although I noticed there is one on there.
Good old Benny, he's come up trumps again!

Technical difficulties
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ivor The Engine
I think first things first I'd better pass along an apology from Benny. The more keen eyed among you would have noticed a link to The Fairoaks Airport Massacre has appeared on the site. Indeed Benny tells me he did actually attempt to post a new page, but in his haste to do it between election campaigning for councillor Liebeman, he hadn't actually tried it out properly and he found that none of the pictures materialised when you viewed the page. So he has taken it down for the time being and hopes to get over that problem later today. Of course the klutz had updated all the other pages with the new link. So patience Mossad fans, the waiting is almost over.
I checked with the Iranian embassy yesterday and they don't really have a problem with me bringing Milk Tray into the country, although they seemed a bit too concerned about my religion. When I mentioned this to one of the more intelligent people at work, he told me that I might be better off telling them I'm one of those Hare Krishna people rather than Jewish. Now that's interesting and I might have to change my approach to my holiday. I think they've got a job lot of orange bedsheets on sale down the market, and I'd better learn the old Hare Krishna song. The same guy suggested that if I can sing George Harrison's 'My Sweet Lord' I should be ok. Oh, and he also told me I need to shave my head and leave a little ponytail on the back. With the ID I've been given that could prove tricky, how many Ugandans have you seen with a ponytail? Still I didn't rise to the top of Mossad without being able to improvise.
Those conversations aside it's still pretty quiet at the hospital, the temptation is there to bring down an airliner or two to create some action , but when I checked out my missile collection I found that they were passed their use by date so I'm not sure if they'll work properly, might go and try one out at the weekend at the local airfield. Well these weekend pilots are always crashing so nobody will be too surprised if a couple of them fall out of the sky. Of course I could always volunteer for overtime on a Friday or Saturday night, same thing really.
Anyway better get down and see if I can get hold of those bedsheets and that George Harrison record, need to start work on that pretty quickly.
Shalom

I like my job
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Magic Roundabout
Well back to work for my favourite shift, yep I'm down in casualty for the week. I've already told you why I like it so much down here, but it also has the added bonus of my being able to practice the ancient Israeli art of self defence - Hava Nagida - on any drunken yob who happens to stagger through the door. You may never have heard of it, that's because it is taught only to a few Jews selected at birth. It makes karate and kung fu look like kiddies games by comparison. It's not a physical art by any means, some of it involves only me opening my mouth, you'd be amazed how effective it is.
Still much as I like it down here, when it's slow like today it's a bit like any other shift pushing around trollies. To get really involved I need something major like a plane crash to happen. I think if it carries on at this pace, I'll dust off a couple of ground to air missiles I've got hanging around my living room just to liven things up a little.
My plans for my trip to Iran took a slight knock when I was told that Pepsi Max is a forbidden substance there. Yep, you can get Heroin, Crack etc but they are so worried about people drinking the stuff and throwing themselves off of Mosque towers that it's a controlled substance and possession is punishable by stoning. Don't see decorating someone's house as punishment myself but different things for different cultures I guess. I'm gonna take the risk anyway, me without Pepsi Max is like John Prescott with a brain cell, just unimaginable. I suppose I'd better check out that Milk Tray can be carried openly as there are only so many hiding places on my body.
You can tell that elections are coming up as last night got a knock on the door from some politicians. My vote is already decided so these guys are wasting their time but it's always fun to have a debate with them and see what they'll promise to get my vote. I got one of them to agree that the art of sneaking into houses and leaving a box of chocolates should be added to the school curriculum. The other guy didn't seem too interested, he went on about annexing the Sudetenland and then starting on Poland. Wasn't too sure why, I think he's probably unhappy with the new Dustmen we've got but I believe they are from Estonia not Poland. Still easy mistake to make I guess, they are pretty close to each other, but I think to carry out his plan would increase the council tax and that I don't like.
Didn't speak to Benny last night as he's working for Councillor Liebeman, but I'm hoping that he'll take time off from recycling leaflets and do some work for me. After all when I come back from Iran he's going to have more tales to record and I don't want him getting swamped.
Shalom

The wheels of the trolley go round and round
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Tales From The Riverbank with Hammy Hamster
A quiet day yesterday, trying to decide what to pack for my trip to Iran later this month. I'm a bit limited on space seeing as for part of the journey I'll need a parachute, plus I need room for boxes of Milk Tray and some Pepsi Max, and you know these special forces guys I'll be flying with don't like clutter.
I'm also trying to make sure I look the part as a Ugandan, now my geography isn't great - we used to receive briefing packs so there was no guesswork - but I think it's in Africa. I was going to ask the cleaners at work, but they got replaced by a load of Eastern Europeans the other week. Now my experience is that I need to wear a load of loud shirts etc and switch to a dodgy diet of rotting meat and elephant dung. Doesn't sound too appetising but I've had worse, you ever eaten in the hospital canteen. Also where do you get this stuff, someone suggested Ebay but I've never had much luck on there, they never seem to have spare parts for Uzi's or any military hardware of any description. Still I might give it a look, I'll just type in Loud shirts and see what comes up.
I'll be popping in to the hospital later to do a couple of hours. Well the holiday pay will come in useful, and it's not normally busy on a Bank holiday so I can just sit in a corner and doze. Calm before the storm though as later in the week I'll be pulling on my scrubs and helping out in Surgery, these NHS cutbacks are getting worse, they are lucky to have someone with my experience available.
Tomorrow Benny and I will be getting together to discuss progress on my stories. Not sure how much time Benny will have to devote to working on them though, as councillor Liebeman wants some payback for helping Benny out and he may get roped into knocking on doors and getting the Jewish vote out on election day. I did do it for the councillor once, but he didn't like my technique of lobbing a stun grenade through the window and forcibly dragging the voters to the polling station. Said it probably cost him a few votes, plus a couple of his posters got damaged and he had to pay for them to be replaced. Benny is much more subtle and is less likely to use force. My argument is though that voting is a duty and if you won't do it voluntarily then you need to be persuaded. Maybe next time round I'll do a little campaigning I've certainly got the gift of the gab, and anyone not voting will pay for it afterwards.
Shalom

Weapons of Mass Destruction
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: The Birdie Song
I don't know why I bother heading off down the synagogue every Saturday. It's not as if I'm religious or anything, and I find all that chanting and praying stuff really tedious. I believe my mind would be better off breaking the code in that judge's ruling which captured everyone's imagination for about two hours the other day. Code breaking of course comes easy to my highly tuned Mossad trained mind, and it is a little know fact that my great uncle Abraham was actually the guy who stumbled across how to break the Third Reich's enigma code while punching the holes in some bagels. He didn't tell anyone of course, that's why there's no mention of him in the history books.
Actually the real reason most of us Jews head down the Synagogue is to keep up our contacts and do a few deals. I'm finding councillor Libeman more interesting by the day. Talking to him over the salt beef bagels yesterday he told me that he could do me a deal on some parachuting gear which I need for my trip to Iran next month. He didn't go into too many details, but it was too good an offer to refuse and he's promised to drop the stuff off after the election count later this week.
Benny's looking forward to getting some work done after the problems of the last few weeks, and some time this week we're going to crack open the last tin of Stella and get creative. This means not only will there finally be some movement on the website, but it means we'll need to do another booze cruise run in the near future. I'm in no rush to tell the truth as I'm hoping to come back with loads of duty free stuff from Iran. I don't know what sort of fags they smoke there, but it must be pretty potent stuff judging by some of the things that are said over there.
I'm looking forward to going to work this week. I'm down for duty in Casualty, and that's always great fun and I get a chance to hone my surgical skills. It's so busy down there that nobody really knows what's going on so I can slip on the white coat and show those other quacks down there a thing or two. It's another little known fact that the first Heart Transplant was not carried out by that South African geezer, but was performed by me and a sergeant in the 3rd Kosher division during the six day war on the battlefields of Egypt. Ok, we didn't really know what we were doing, and the bloke died, probably why there was no publicity...actually thinking about it, all I did was stick a band aid on his finger but that's close enough to surgery for me.
So if you end up down my neck of the woods this week rest assured you'll be in great hands...as long as I'm not around.
Shalom

I'm a fool.
Now Playing: Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
My little trip to Iran is coming together nicely, I managed to book a Mule called Pedro at a good rate, even better it comes with a free supply of carrots so that's one thing less I have to carry. I was a bit miffed though that I couldn't use my frequent flier miles to upgrade. As you know, as an international traveller I get lots of these miles, what's the use if I can't use them. Apparently if I'd used British Airways or someone they would have taken them, but for some reason El Al and US Air Force miles aren't too popular out in Iran. I'll be finding out why in the next few weeks, I may have to switch my allegiance.
That Benny's a card, he had me going about that scanner thing. I really thought he had a medical scanner, he even had me sit on the thing then tell me that my brain was fine. He said he wanted to keep the joke going, but he couldn't keep a straight face any longer. Turns out the damn thing is for paper and pictures. What a moron eh. He reckons it'll be a big help with my website once he's worked out all the little things it can do. Some of my old pictures for instance are either missing or for some reason have had my head cut off. He says he'll be able to reproduce them now. That's good, there are so many stories in them
Bad news about Bananaman. He's had a relapse. One of the dopey staff in the psycho ward thought they'd put on a Harry Belafonte album to cheer the patients up. All was well until the Banana Boat Song came on. It sent him over the edge again and he's back in a padded cell. Looks like to me the hospital need to create a new post of music censor to prevent this sort of thing from happening.
Well if it's Saturday it must be synagogue time. Benny is coming to pick me up in the Trabant shortly, I'm still waiting for my contact to come through with that cheap fuel for the fastest VW in the west, and until he does it's off the road. I don't even have enough to get to the nearest US air base to top it up. I would cycle to the synagogue but I don't want to get there too quickly, you know how I feel about the collection plate. Anyway better go and fix on my Skull cap, the angle at which you wear it says a lot about you, bet you didn't know that.
Shalom

Benny's scanner
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Worzel Gummidge
Brushed off the Tandem last night. I've never told you I had a fleet of bikes among other things. The Tandem isn't something I ride very often, and has historical significance since that night in Whitechapel with Ronnie Kray, but I'm sure in time Benny will get around to telling you about it. Anyway talking about Benny I popped round to see him last night to see how he has coped with all the problems he's had lately. I also wanted to take a peek at his new scanner. Well either Benny's managed to get a state of the art MRI machine or he's been conned, I mean you can just about fit a piece of paper on it so I've no idea how he's going to scan body parts. Benny seems to be happier now those crazy Jesus freaks are leaving him alone but his living room is full of those crosses they rejected at Easter. I'll take a few of them to Iran with me and see if I can get him some overseas interest. We also chatted about getting a few more of my tales online, and hopefully he'll get something new sorted out next week, especially now I have some new pics he can use.
I'm fine tuning my arrangements for my Iranian trip next month and have been trying to book a donkey for my trip from Teheran to Tel Aviv. Looks like a busy part of the year for donkey bookings, apparently it clashes with the season on Blackpool beach so I may have to slum it and go by Mule instead. I'm not too pleased about this as a man of my standing normally gets first class treatment all the way, but of course the Iranians don't know this. Maybe if I use some of my El Al frequent flier miles I'll get an upgrade.
Popped in to take a look at Bananaman who is looking better than he did a week or so ago. The head honcho of the psycho ward has told them to stop using the Banana scented air freshener and to make the tea using a dusty old bag of LT Teabags they found in a cupboard. This has proved more effective than the most powerful drugs, but if you've ever made Tea using LT Teabags you'd know that they are something that science could do wonders with. During the six day war I ditched my army issued first aid kit and used a bag of these teabags instead. Didn't save any lives as they proved pretty ineffective at reattaching limbs and the like, but when you made a cup of Tea man you thought you could take on the world...well at least Egypt.
Ok, better book the mule then double check my baggage allowance on the Israeli special forces flight.
Shalom