Oh my aching head
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: John Craven's Newsround
Bit of a wild session with Benny last night, we must have polished off at least two cans of Carlsberg, then I got stopped by the Police while cycling home. No problem there though, one sight of my mysterious ID card and I was waved on my way.
My head feels like the Hindenburg when it blew up, I was once the best drinker in Mossad, I could handle a can of Special Brew without showing any obvious effects, but those days have gone now and it doesn't take much to send me over the edge. Also means that I struggle to get out of bed after a session, hence the late update to this.
So what did Benny and I discuss last night? Well as I said yesterday he has been approached by a rather controversial clothing company to design a new fashion collection. Apparently Benny had sent them some sketches he'd drawn, and they liked the stripiness of it. They've decided to call it the "Auschwitz Collection", and they really thought the way it could be customised to suit certain social groupings with symbols like yellow stars and pink triangles was really cool. Now call me a fool if you like but I think Benny got the idea from somewhere else, he does have a rather worrying taste for 1930's German history so maybe he drew his inspiration from that.
We also talked about his lack of progress on the website, I really thought he'd have got my holiday pictures up by now, but as he said he has been busy lately. Anyway he has said not only will he get the holiday pictures up this week, he'll also have a bit of a surprise for me. I can't wait, Benny's surprises are always something special.
Whilst there I thought I'd quiz him on his kosher DIY book he'd mentioned the other night as it was the first I'd heard of it. He said it was a brand new idea, and changing the light bulb was the first project he was working on. Other chapters will include 101 things you can fix with a stale Bagel, and more importantly how you can get these Bagels for free.
Talking of Bagels I'm going to have to cut this short as I'm late getting in my Sunday Bagel ration. The Bagel Bake has reopened after last weeks crime, and I figure they owe me big time for solving the case so quickly, regardless of what the top brass back in Tel Aviv think.

Shalom

Dressed up to the nines
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Tweenies
So last night off I skied to the residence of Rabbi Goldberg for the first meeting proper of the Production team for Israel's answer to Danny La Rue. I must admit I am a little uncomfortable with the whole idea, all my research hasn't uncovered anything all action about this French bloke at all. It doesn't even look as if he's ever delivered a box of Milk Tray, let alone drink a can of Pepsi Max. In fact from what I can tell, the geezer's a raving poof who dressed up in women's clothes. Still when you think about it, it's a fantastic cover and it was obviously never broken which says a lot.
So yesterday Mrs Goldberg wanted to discuss the outfits. Now with my Hollywood background I would have thought we should work out the storyline first, then do the wardrobe bit later, but she was adamant. When I talk to Kirk (Douglas) later on I'll have to see what he thinks. Anyway she pulled out a load of dresses and asked me to try them on. Now in my time I've had to wear lots of disguises, but I've never been done up as a woman, but I guess when you're portraying one of France's most successful spies you have to look the part. The ladies seemed to love it, and I swear there was the flash of a camera at some stage, but it could also have been some sort of sniper's aiming device - there are a lot of people out there who would like to put a bullet in me. Mrs Liebeman made a comment that my legs were a bit too hairy and that I'd have to shave them. Strangely enough I wouldn't find that a chore, I used to keep them shaved when I was doing the Tour De France, Tour of Spain that sort of thing, reduced the wind drag. Do you know I was the first Jew to be King of The Mountains? I admit though that I got a bit scared when she said I'd have to be fitted for a corset. My good old Mossad issued Jockey shorts are fine by me. The whole evening was great fun for the ladies, and at the end of it I was told that next week we'll work out the material. At last I'll finally find out what acts of international daring this bloke actually did. Maybe councillor Liebeman has been digging into some files to which I don't have access.
As I left I bumped into Benny and I was surprised to see him there. He said he had just popped round to change a light bulb, but when pressed as to why he had his camera with him, he admitted he was working on a kosher DIY manual and was taking pictures of the whole process step by step. He has been busy lately so he was probably just taking the opportunity while it was there. Apparently some other group has now been in touch with him and want him to design a clothing line after seeing his tee shirts, but he would tell me more about it later as he had to get home and process the pictures he'd just taken. We're going to meet up after Synagogue tomorrow and share a drink. It'll be nice to do that, and I'll find out what progress he's making with my holiday snaps. I could have had them done at Boot's quicker but Benny is cheaper.

Shalom

Air Strikes
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Rainbow
Well yesterday was not a total success as i got a couple of ticking offs. First off I got a phone call from some general in the homeland who told me that the days of framing Arabs for crimes that didn't commit are over. I was amazed at this, my investigation of the Bagel Bake theft met all the usual Mossad standards. He then told me that as Israel enjoys such good relations with the UK, my suggestion of Air strikes on the Edgware Road, parts of Newham and Tower Hamlets was regarded as not very intelligent. These bloody officers are going soft, in the old days he would have ended up with a bullet in the back of his head if you know what I mean. Anyway it looks like the Bagel Bake thing is over as they found the documents behind a sack of flour in the Bakery.
How's this for gratitude on the part of the hospital. The Duty Trolley Manager called me in and accused me of skiving off work for the day. Clueless these people. He reckons that if I had Ebola I'd probably be dead by now. What does he know, I told him that I had that 24 hour Ebola that had been going around, and if we didn't employ so many bloody Africans then we wouldn't have that problem. Looks like I might be in trouble for that remark, he says he is going to send me for special training, and it's not the sort of special training I'm used to. F***ing pen pushers, got no idea what it's like to be on the front line.
Spoke to Benny last night too. Apparently the Auschwitz Tee Shirts went down a storm at the local BNP rally, and Benny has been offered an honorary membership of the branch if he can produce some more like it. I told him to get in touch with that candidate from the local elections last month, I'm sure he would be very helpful in that department. He was also complaining about the plumber he'd hired from the classified ads. Kept getting the Gas and Water pipes mixed up. Benny admitted he'd been a bit worried when he saw the glasses the geezer was wearing, like the bottom of bottles he said. That's one thing about Benny, he does like to help out the more disadvantaged of society, in this case a half blind plumber. It also helps that they normally come dirt cheap.
Tonight I have to go and see Mrs Goldberg and Mrs Liebeman who if you remember want me to do a show as the famous French agent Danny La Rue. They want to discuss my material and show me some of the outfits I'll be wearing. As long as there is a nice little black number among them I won't mind. Black is a particularly fetching colour on me, at my last workplace one of the women in the office used to droll whenever I wore it.

Shalom

The Brick Lane Bagel Bakery Heist.
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Crackerjack
Sorry about the one day break, but everything happened so quickly that, as I said, I didn't have time to get hold of Benny to fill in for the day.
The seriousness of this crime cannot be underestimated, I did work at the Bagel Bake myself during the 1960's so was picked for this mission as I have the necessary inside knowledge of the place. Hospital was a bit pissed off as I called in sick with Ebola or something, looked good in the medical dictionary and it means I can take the rest of the week off sick.
I was picked up by helicopter at Fairoaks and flown up to Tower Hamlets. We used the landing pad on the roof of The Royal London Hospital which was a bit of luck really as it was discovered that my jabs weren't up to date, requirements for visiting Tower Hamlets are quite strict, it has an exotic feel in more ways than one. After injecting myself with the necessary vaccines it was onto the specially arranged racing bike and off to Brick Lane. If you haven't been to this part of the world recently it really is a shock, and I thought initially that I'd ended up in Southall. But seeing the Blind Beggar - the scene of that famous night with my mate Ronnie - I knew I was on the right track. The Bagel Bake has been in the same spot for years though and as I approached the junction of Brick Lane and Bethnal Green Road I saw it all lit up (It's open 24 hrs you know). Some of the locals seemed a bit miffed about the tape with Hebrew writing on it that was blocking their path, but this was a crime against the Jewish State and Mossad weren't about to let a load of Islamic extremists sully the evidence. Flashing my strange - but powerful - ID card I entered the shop and saw a very tasty looking Salt Beef Bagel in the cabinet there and realised I hadn't had breakfast so picked it up and while chewing away scanned the scene for clues. Now you lot might have seen the Yankee programme CSI with all their fancy gadgets and wearing those paper overalls, silly paper slippers etc. Us down in Mossad don't go in for all that crap. We are so highly trained we can just look at a scene and know what evidence we'll find, we don't need to document it either, we all have photographic memories. OK most of the photographs involve some sort of Arab but that's not the point. I immediately worked out what had happened. For some time we have had evidence that Hamas have jealously coveted the Bagel Bake and have wanted their own branch down on the West Bank for years. It's a widely held belief that for all these years they have wanted Palestinian independence. However those of us in certain circles know this is Bullshit. In reality they have wanted their own Bagel Bake and the Israeli government have always refused to give in. They had obviously broken in and stolen the recipe so they could set up their own independent shop. With the motive so obvious, the whole thing was now a piece of cake, (or a piece of Bagel as we like to say) so I began to plant the necessary evidence. Now why would I do that you may ask. Well some of these criminals are experts and don't leave much lying around so we have to recreate the scene for them. I always carry around a few PLO/Hamas cards, and maybe a scrap of a Palestinian flag for such an occasion. All we had to do now was round up a couple of Arabs, make sure they had the recipe in their pockets, and the case was solved. Using the phone from the Bagel bake I contacted Tel Aviv, told them to order a couple of air strikes as revenge, and satisfied with my days work could make my way home, as some of the lower minions will get their hands dirty down the Edgware Road to find a couple of Arab looking geezers to bump off for the crime.
As I cycled back I really wondered why it had been left to me to sort out. It was all glaringly obvious and could have been left to a more junior operative. Maybe they think I needed the practice. Anyway because I'd sorted it out so quickly I can go back to work earlier than thought. That'll look good, only one day off for Ebola, what a trooper I am.
Shalom

A phone call from Tel Aviv
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Noel's House Party
Late last night the phone rings, much to my amazement it's the Tel Aviv hotline. I am to call in sick at work, make my way to Fairoaks and board a specially chartered plane to a secret meeting. Apparently someone has stolen the secret recipe used at the Brick Lane Bagel Bake.
This is serious stuff, and is being done at such short notice that I haven't even been able to contact Benny and ask him to look after things here.
I'll be back on Thursday - which I believe is June 1st - with the next update. I hope to be able to report more about the Bagel Bake theft then.

Shalom

Danny La Rue
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Dora The Explorer
Spent yesterday doing some research on this French geezer that Mrs Goldberg and Mrs Liebeman want me to play in the synagogue production and may I say I am not happy one little bit. Seems this particular spy dressed up in women's clothing and used to give out his coded messages in song. "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep" what the f*** is that about? I've checked through all the code books and still can't decipher it. So while I think he might have batted for the other side so to speak, I have great respect for his unbreakable code so will swallow my pride (although I'm sure Mr La Rue has swallowed less desirable things than that) and agree to perform the part of this master spy. If I can persuade them not to dress me up as a woman all the better though, that might damage my image.
I have finally passed on all my holiday pictures to Benny who is hoping to do some work on them later this week. Benny has been pretty busy in the last couple of weeks though as that new film "The Da Vinci Code" has got all the religious freaks worked up and is creating a bit of a boom in the religious souvenir tat world as they all look to show how much they love Jesus. From Benny's point of view it's a double blessing as he can now get rid of all those old Last Supper prints where a misprint had put Madonna sitting next to Jesus. The non religious types apparently think Learnado Da Vinci was passing on a secret message. Sometimes I think Benny's business can be a little tasteless though, he recently sent a job lot of Tee Shirts over to Poland to coincide with the Pope's visit there. I found the "I Survived Auschwitz" and "Auschwitz Survivor number 666" in particular bad taste. It was only a copyright thing that stopped him producing Tee Shirts with the logo of that American reality show on them.
I know today is a day off for most of you reprobates, but for us hard working individuals in the NHS it's just another day. Actually Bank Holidays are a bit quieter and I intend to polish my trolley and maybe fit new tyres to it. I tend to wear out the tyres on my trolley quicker than most as I try to burn other trolleys off at the lift door, preferably leaving a trail of smoke. Must admit it doesn't always work though, the patients get a bit scared and leave a trail of something else. Still not my problem, we have illegals to clean that sort of thing up. My big decision of the day, Pirellis, Goodyear or should I fit the cheapo ones I found in the skip outside Kwik Fit. Always big decisions for a man of my stature.
Shalom

A LAughing Stock
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Scooby Do
Yesterday was one of those days you just want to forget. When I got to the synagogue yesterday everyone was pointing at me and laughing away. Benny tells me that Coucillor Liebeman has been telling them that I think Glasgow is part of Iran, and even he thinks I might be wrong. To tell the truth I don't give a f***, I know where I went and that's all there is to it.
Anyway to compound my misery I had to meet up with the wives of the Councillor and Rabbi to discuss their special project. They've been giving the whole thing some thought since I've been away, and have had to change their original idea as doing a stage production of James Bond is thought to be too expensive due to the cost of gadgets, even though we have a cheap source of used ones from Tel Aviv. So now they're thinking about a more family orientated and obviously cheaper production. In fact it will be a one man show and I'm the one man. They've decided to do a thing based on some geezer called Danny La Rue. Now as you know I am no fan of the French, I don't even speak the language, so the whole idea doesn't thrill me at all. I've been given a few websites to look at so I can research my new role, but it's clear from my search of a certain database in Tel Aviv that this guy must have been some sort of master spy as Mossad don't have a file on him. What makes Mrs Goldberg think I'll find him on the Internet is another thing but I'll give it a try.
Good to see the lads in the Israeli Air Force doing something for the holidays and getting some practice in. I would have been down there with them but I knew I had this pressing engagement at the Synagogue. You may have seen the pictures of me on Benny's website and it is true that when I wasn't creeping around on rooftops, trying to get pictures of prominent politicians in compromising positions for blackmail purposes, I did fly a mission or two, took out three Egyptian fighters with one bullet once, a record nobody has been able to better since.
Anyway better see what Mrs Goldberg wants me to do

Shalom

A disagreement with Councillor Liebeman
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Magpie
Spent yesterday evening with Councillor Liebeman and by the time I left my ears were ringing. It turns out he wasn't too pleased with my report back from Iran, in fact he reckons I never made it to Iran at all but merely ended up in Glasgow. I strongly disagreed with him, after all it was me who had to contend with the language difficulties, the different culture, and the strange food. I don't like to criticise such a powerful man like the Councillor, but how would he know what Iran is like, he's never been there. It seems he's another one of these people who believe what they read in books and newspapers, I've had first hand experience and am also well travelled around the world, did you know I've visited more than 100 countries?
Anyway once Benny gets his act together you can judge for yourself, once you've seen the pictures you will see that the place I went to was so backward that there is no way it can be in the UK, and unlike me who always speaks the truth, the Councillor is talking out of his arse.
Yesterday I remember telling you that I was going to seek out those mosques - the pictures of which were eagerly awaited by people back home. Well from asking around I discovered that unlike other parts of the Muslim faith who worship on Fridays, worship here is done on a Saturday, and whilst Sunni and Shi'ite are the most well known differences in the religion it appears that in the Qurbals there are radically different splinter groups which are easily identified. If you belonged to one group you wore a distinct white and green top, if you belonged to the other it was blue. Any attempt at trying to work out the difference was normally met with aggression and due to the language barrier I decided not to get involved. One strange thing did happen though, as I walked down the street chanting my Hare Krishna song I always generated a small procession of individuals. They did follow me around for a while until I popped into a McDonald's for a Big Mac (I was opting for safety in the food department). I also managed to get pictures of the two main mosques, and it is these that have upset the Councillor.
The trip sort of petered out from there, so I won't write much more about it, but thinking about it some of the guys at work made the same remarks as the Councillor which just tells me how deep rooted ignorance is about that strange land.
Saturday as you know by now is Synagogue day and I'm dreading going as if you remember I'm being roped in to some sort of production the wives of Rabbi Goldberg and Councillor Liebeman are putting together. I don't mind acting having rubbed shoulders in the past with such names as Kirk Douglas, Sophia Loren and Ena Sharples. I was also special advisor to George Lazenby when he appeared in that James Bond movie he did. His whole role was based on an old Israeli spy I knew and George played it to perfection. Unfortunately it was just too realistic for the producers who if I remember correctly got some Scottish geezer to do the role next. Typical Hollywood, they hate realism. Anyway I'll learn more today about what I'll be expected to do, I guess because of my background I'll be playing the suave, sophisticated agent in black.
OK, Benny's outside with the Trabant better go.
Shalom

Fried Mars Bars
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Hector's House
Made it back to work yesterday, and I've got the post holiday blues. After the events of the last week pushing a trolley around hospital corridors just doesn't cut it. I really need a world crisis to break out so I can truly use my talents, I know you lot all think that being a secret agent is like being James Bond but I have to tell you he is a little exaggerated, we don't all get Aston Martins to play with, for instance one of my recent Mossad issued cars was a Renault, great for undercover work but not very glamorous.
Anyway let me continue with my holiday tale. Things were not going to plan, I'd been pushed out of the plane over a different part of Iran than was scheduled, and had managed to book my self into the Hotel Teflon. My main concern that night was that I'd lose my deposit not only for Khomeni's B&B, but also for my pre-booked Donkey as it was obvious I wouldn't need them here. I settled into my room, not too bad, at least it had a sink and a mini bar which was not very imaginatively stocked, mainly Gin with a few Scotch Whiskys. I was surprised as I thought the Iranians didn't drink so you do learn something new everyday. I decided that it was important that I got to know the area so I scurried off into the street, feeling uncomfortable in my orange robes but not looking too out of place. Iran is remarkably British you know, must have something to do with the old colonial days. The people in the Quarbals speak a form of English although it is with a heavy accent. I was stunned to see what looked like bars on every corner and made up my mind to sample one of them during my stay. Tonight though I had to check out the local cuisine, and while I was expecting sheep's eyes and all sorts of weird stuff, it turns out that in this part of Iran they still enjoy good old fashioned British food. I could get a Cod and Chips among other things. I decided to try a local delicacy a fried Mars Bar. The shop owner did get a bit upset when I tried to use the Iranian cash I'd brought with me, but he calmed down a bit and offered to give me a Glasgow kiss, something I declined as I'm not gay. In the end he settled for British cash, which I figured he would change later on on the black market. All the time I was noting things down in my fine tuned brain, all this was vital intelligence I was gathering, and apart for a few stares, the disguise was working brilliantly as nobody had worked out I was Jewish. So my first day in Iran wasn't turning out too badly, tomorrow I'd go hunting for the Mosques.
Well I'll stop it there for today, don't want to overdose you too much, plus I have been summoned to see councillor Liebeman as he wants to hear all about my trip and see my photos and I'm well known to be more than happy to tell all. It's nice to know someone is interested, my mates at work cleared the room when I started to talk about it.
Shalom

Late Today
Now Playing: Vision On
Bit late doing this today, spent last night with Benny telling him about the trip and explaining the communication failures. Still had some fun going through the pictures I took, and hopefully Benny will find time to put some of them up on the site over the next few days.
Anyway let me continue on with my tale of the trip, I think I got to the point where the Special Ops guys pushed me out of the plane.
As I said the whole thing took me by surprise, I normally have lightening quick reactions but I reckon I was tired from the long day, plus I was concentrating on putting on my black make up for my disguise. It didn't take me too long to get my bearings though and go into HALO mode. As I plummeted towards earth a couple of things struck me. Firstly that I wasn't as high as I'd expected to be, and secondly that Iran was more brightly lit than I remembered from a trip I made many years ago. Thinking back now there were signs that maybe I'd got on the wrong plane, after all the Special Ops blokes were wearing White outfits which I thought strange for desert operations. At the time I assumed they were trying out some new style uniform. Anyway I made a perfect landing as always, I was top of parachute class five years running, and another thing struck me. This was definitely not the outskirts of Tehran or if it was then things had got a hell of a lot greener. I disposed of my parachute as per the manual, donned my orange robes and found a road into the nearest town all the while trying to remember the Hare Krishna song. Iran has come a long way as I noticed they have made the effort to put all the road signs in English. No doubt this is to help out the Yanks should they ever invade. They also drive on the same side of the road as in the UK which certainly was a pleasant surprise. The nearest town could be seen from the distance and a number of high rise buildings came into view. They weren't marked on my pop up map of Tehran so I stopped a local to ask for directions to Khomeni's B&B. Credit where credit is due, the guy made a very passable attempt at speaking English although I had to listen carefully. Apparently I could find it in an area called the Qurbals, which also wasn't on my map. He merely pointed toward the east and staggered off. Made sense I suppose, that's where all the mosques would be so off I yomped. I never did find it though and ended up at some place called the Hotel Teflon which was run by another face I found vaguely familiar whose English was also passable. Something didn't add up.
OK, well there'll be more tomorrow as I have to make my way back to work today and I know the guys can't wait to see what souvenirs I've bought them.
Shalom

It's good to be back
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: GARY GLITTER'S GREATEST HITS
Well I finally made it back to Fairoaks yesterday after a trip that did not go entirely to plan. Anyway being the highly trained specialist that I am, being able to adapt is one of my talents.
Things started smoothly enough with a speedy trip to the airport, Benny can sure handle the Trabant, and he had no trouble outpacing the kid on the bike who tried to race us down the road. On arrival at Fairoaks check in went pretty well for El Al. They only tried to bribe me once, and while I was tempted - after all 50 Shekels buys a lot of bagels - I didn't want to waste all the careful arrangements that had been made for me.
As Benny suggested the duty free shop was out of fags and this was very upsetting as I wasn't sure if you could get B&H in Iran, they didn't even have any booze either, and as for security...boy is that tight, first time I've ever been cavity searched before boarding a plane, and if you ask me the guy doing it seemed to enjoy it a bit too much. He looked vaguely familiar. For privacy reasons these guys badges only have their initials on, his were TW, I'd better look that up. He even found the two cans of Pepsi Max I had shoved up my backside to smuggle into Iran.
Plane was packed, it was the annual Fat Bastard convention in Jerusalem and they had virtually chartered the plane by the looks of it. We were late taking off, and I'm sure the extra weight slowed things down a bit. The upshoot of all this was I was late making my connection to the special Ops flight at Tel Aviv.
These guys are the so called elite of the Israeli army, but compared to my day these geezers are wimps. When I was in training we weren't allowed to use parachutes for the first three jumps, it was designed to toughen you up. Talking to these guys I learned that parachutes are now compulsory, talk about gay! Anyway while I was putting on my black make up, I proceeded to tell them all about my exploits and generally making sarcastic remarks about their abilities which were dwarfed by mine. For some reason that pissed a few of them off a bit, and they tossed me out of the plane in the middle of nowhere. Took me by surprise to tell the truth and I didn't have time to use Hava Nagida to defend myself.
Anyway that's where things started to go wrong, and as I want to pace myself I'll write more about it next time. I'm now off to Benny's to start processing some of the pictures I took. Benny's services are cheaper than getting them developed at Boot's or Tesco's for that matter.
Shalom

He's Coming Home
Now Playing: Carry On Blowing Up Arabs
Well good news, last night my lights started to flash and I worked out that it wasn't my electricity on the blink, but was in fact Morse code. Our Man is alive and well and is scheduled to arrive back at Fairoaks today.
I think the next few days on this blog will be dominated by his tale of survival in a hostile environment, so be prepared for action on a scale not witnessed since John Prescott became this country's answer to Casanova...John F*****g Prescott, how low this country has sunk if he is the best we can offer these days, we'll be taking 17 year old kids to the World Cup next.
Anyway I've got to go and attach a trailer to the bike as I'm hoping he's come back laden with goodies. Normal service should be resumed tomorrow with the beginning of our Man's tale of his trip to Iran.
This is Benny Slibowitz thanking you for your patience over the last few days, I hope it hasn't ruined your appetite.
BENNY

UPDATE
Now Playing: Carry On Spying
Well with no news from our man again today it seems that we either have a breakdown in communications or he has converted to Islam which is the sort of thing he would do if he was desperate enough for some fags.
I do know he didn't make it to Khomeni's B&B as I managed to make contact with the establishment. At first they didn't know who I was talking about, then I remembered his disguise so I asked them if they'd seen a black geezer with a Pony Tail wearing orange robes. It wasn't until I told them that he talks a lot that they were able to confirm his non arrival.
So our mystery man is creating a whole new world of mystery around him, and it looks like there will be some good tales emerging from this little episode, I just hope he got some pictures, I'm sure he will have as if there is one thing he never forgets is his camera. I should know, I've spent many an evening looking at his holiday snaps, that and all the stories that go with them. Jesus the prospect of more is making me think of slitting my wrists.
Till tomorrow
BENNY

DAY 3
Now Playing: The A Team
No message last night so I've no idea what's going on. I'm sure all will be revealed when he gets back on Thursday so no worries. My main concern is that he missed out on his rental donkey so he has transport problems. Still I'm sure he's getting some great pictures of the new Mosques, and finding the Iranian people all very friendly, as they are noted for being very liberal and tolerant.
Hopefully we'll get an update soon.
BENNY

MYSTERY MAN HOLIDAY UPDATE DAY 2
Now Playing: Our Man Flint
A very garbled transmission last night so not too sure what to make of it.
"Wrong drop, no room, help"
Sounds like they pushed him out of the plane at the wrong place, I can understand that as he can go on a bit and those special ops guys were probably jealous of all his achievements. So he may not be in Tehran.
If he's not in Tehran then he's probably lost his room at Khomeni's B&B. Now while he has superb survival instincts and has the ability to be able to survive for an entire week on a box of Milk Tray this is still a problem as if you remember he wasn't able to take any Milk Tray with him. I'm sure he'll cope, I think he squeezed a couple of cans of Pepsi Max in his luggage.
As for the last part of the message, well he is a big Beatles fan so to make light of his current situation he probably started to sing a song, what a sense of humour eh?
BENNY

MYSTERY MAN HOLIDAY UPDATE
Now Playing: The Man From Uncle
Ok, first update from our man, and it seems things are not going so great, I got the message "No Smoke, tight fit late again" which isn't a reference to a group of one hit wonders from the 1980's but actually tells me a lot about how the trip is going.
Basically the first major upset was the lack of fags available at the Fairoaks Airport duty free shop. Now I know that this was scheduled to be the highlight of his trip so I can imagine he's a bit pissed off.
The flight was full, and my guess is he got that crappy middle seat that airlines insist on having and was probably stuck between a couple of Sumo wrestlers. Apparently there is a big Sumo tournament in Tel Aviv this weekend, not that our man would be scared of them, his mastery of Hava Nagida is legendary in Israeli military circles.
Finally as per usual El Al was late and this means he might miss his connecting Special Ops flight to Tehran. Now that would not be good as Khomeni's B&B don't allow late check in, I'm sure he'll be on the phone to them as I type.
OK more tomorrow hopefully.
BENNY

IRAN -DAY 1 - BENNY UPDATE
Now Playing: Grand Theft Auto
Hi everyone, this is Benny with a brief update as our man has now left the country for a short break to that fun palace called Iran.
I dropped him off at Fairoaks about 6 this morning, even though his flight wasn't leaving for about another 5 hours, as he said he wanted to "get in the queue for El Al before all those other jewboys". I'm pleased to report that he checked in OK, and actually resisted a cash offer of 50 Shekels to wait until the next flight because as per usual El Al had overbooked. I have no idea why they do that, other airlines might experience people not turning up and losing their cash but come on...when was the last time people of a certain religion did that?
So the last I saw of him was going through security and I imagine his first stop would be duty free to get some fags.
The arrangement for trying to do these updates is that he'll transmit a message to me at some stage everyday, as he doesn't want to get caught using a dodgy radio they are only going to be brief and in code. I'll decipher them and put them up here for you to read. Now I know our man likes to talk, but these updates will probably be quite brief until he gets back as unlike our man, I don't have such an all action life to pad things out. My next major job will be to put his holiday pictures up on the site, as I'll be too busy deciphering code to do much more while he's away.
So please keep dropping by every day, there will be something new to read but it won't be as long as usual.
BENNY

No Rabbi, No
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Swap Shop
Well my excitement about what Rabbi Goldberg's special project is has died down a fair bit since I learned what it was going to be about. Went round to his place last night, and instead of being introduced to a group of young toughs as their new leader, I was instead confronted with the Jewish equivalent of the WI including councillor Liebeman's wife. The Rabbi explained that the ladies want to produce a kosher version of "The Invisible Man" and with my talent for disappearing I was felt to be the ideal choice for the lead role. My first thought was that I don't want to appear in an Orson Wells play - one of the ladies said it was HG Wells but I know better. Then I thought that if they want me as the star I can make demands, after all it was the sort of thing Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren told me they used to do. So I've told them I'll do it on certain conditions. I get a case of Pepsi Max in my dressing room. I can wear black, I get the opportunity to take out a member of the audience with a head shot, and finally the invisible man character is actually a Milk Tray delivery guy, this will allow me to combine this crap with something I do as a hobby.
The ladies were a bit taken aback, but have said they'll see if the play has the flexibility to take these changes. They'll let me know when I get back from my break.
I'm getting very excited about my little holiday now, my bags are sitting in the hallway and I've one more working day to go, then I can let my hair down, or more importantly I can attach my Hare Krishna ponytail to it. I won't be applying the black paint tonight though as I've still got to get through Fairoaks and Tel Aviv and my fake ID might not cut it there. I've made arrangements with Benny to come and pick me up in the Trabant, I was going to cycle but the bike rack at Fairoaks isn't that secure, and they object if I attach Booby traps to stop anyone from thieving it. That's one thing I will say for the old Muslims, they know how to deal with thieving Arabs...chop their bloody hands off.
I'm getting a lot of stick at work about the bed sheet cover thing, and even worse, someone gave that poof the office phone number and he's called about three times to check up on me. While it is very considerate of him, I don't need any help with my sore bits, and I'm certainly not getting in the back of his van so he can take a look. I did try the Pretzel thing but it wasn't very successful and it tasted a bit funny afterwards.
Ok, well I'm off to see Benny now to fine tune our communication efforts while I'm away. Benny is going to be in charge of this thing while I'm gone, and he is a man full of surprises so it'll be interesting to see what he gets up to.
Shalom

Stunned
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Play School
Well as you all know, I was asked to go in for a special undercover operation yesterday. So I packed all my electronic surveillance stuff (OK an old Kodak and one of those cassette recorders) into my saddlebag and of course my best black outfit and gleefully rode into work. Unusually the DTM himself met me at the door with a big smile on his face, and told me that he'd found something perfect for me to do. When he told me what it was though I wasn't too happy, although I was quite relieved I wasn't to investigate who's leaving the floaters in the bogs, I hadn't brought my toilet watching gear. No, the hospital is looking at replacing the standard NHS bedsheets with something a little different for the clients. So while it was true I was spending the day undercover, it was actually under bed covers. Now you might think that was right up my alley, but spending the day having to slip into a bed and give my opinion to some poof standing in the corner (I was worried he might want to get up my alley) is not my idea of fun. His questions like "how does that feel against your skin ducky?" are not what a highly trained brain like mine are used to dealing with, although I had to admit the 400 thread count ones from Mohammed's Mattresses were quite nice. There was the humiliation factor too as all my mates from work found an excuse to wheel past at some stage during the day...Bastards! After all this I couldn't wait to get away, some of the stuff was pretty rough, like sliding into sandpaper, and my guess is that as the NHS is a cheap operation - except where manager's paypackets, cars and luxury parking bays are concerned - they'll go with those ones. I think someone has worked out that you don't want people being too comfortable otherwise they'll never leave.
Because some of the stuff was rough I'd got a bit sore in certain places, the poof was quite willing to help me rub something in but I declined his kind offer. Us Mossad men are made of tougher stuff than that, we're not like the yanks for instance. Anyway I needed to do something so I decided to try an old Israeli cure for soreness shown to me by an old wise Rabbi when I was in basic training all those years ago. All you need is a salty Pretzel and some privacy as rubbing a Pretzel over your body is not something you do in public. Does it work? Probably not but you do get something to snack on afterwards.
Still I do have something to look forward to later, as I'm popping round to Rabbi Goldberg's place to discuss his special project. He hinted that I'll be playing a significant role in his plan, so it looks like I'll be leading a crack team of Jewish avengers, probably putting some of my old East End skills to use, and sorting out a few of the corner shops around here. I know that deep down the Rabbi has been alarmed by the reduction in Jewish shopkeepers in our area as they have been replaced by a bunch of Islamic extremists, so maybe he's decided to do something about it. I hope so as the price of fags in some of these places is extortionate and flashing my mysterious ID card doesn't get me a discount anymore. I can hardly wait, and it'll be interesting to see who'll be joining me. This looks like something Benny could come in handy for.
Shalom

Undercover operations
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bananas in pyjamas
Not much time to write today, got a call that the Duty Trolley Manager needs me for some sort of undercover thing. At last my talents are being recognised! I have no idea what it's about...ok I don't have any idea about lots of things...but this coupled with the little chat I'm going to be having with Rabbi Goldberg later in the week certainly means that it's back to business and a chance to show off those polished skills I have developed over the years.
My packing is completed for the Iran trip with the exception of my washbag which I'll pack at the last minute by cycling down to Mo's and seeing what I can get on the cheap. I'll need some touch up black paint that's for sure as the paint job I'll do on the special ops plane probably won't last for long if I actually wash from time to time. So it's all coming together, the last really big obstacle is the El Al check in desk at Fairoaks. It's always chaos when El Al check in, everyone is trying to get upgrades or last minute discounts, some are even angling to get bumped and get a nice bit of compo in the guise of a fistful of Shekels (Yes I know that's the title of an Israeli western), but I really need to be on that flight so I'll be setting off nice and early. You can't check in online with El Al, frequent flyer or not.
I don't leave until Thursday afternoon, but Benny has promised to try and leave you all a little something on a daily basis while I'm away which will be nice of him. I am hoping to set up a clandestine radio link with him from Tehran so I can keep you up to date with my trip, we'll see how it works. That won't happen if I can't nick the gear off of the special ops guys though.
So for once going to work looks like it might be exciting. It's very unusual for the DTM to call you in like that so it's obvious I've been specially picked for the task in hand. I don't really know him that well, we've sort of had a falling out after he caught me trying to dismantle his telephone. He really got the wrong end of the stick, and accused me of trying to play a joke on him by shoving cardboard in the mouthpiece so no one would be able to hear him. He was way off though, as I was actually trying to fit a bugging device in there, but those bloody cheap and nasty Tandy things didn't fit in there. That'll teach me for buying in their sale.
Ok, well I'd better be going, I'm off down the bank first to get some of that Iranian money, Khomeni's B&B don't take cards and charge 5 shekels a day for the privilege of staying there. A rip off if you ask me, I'm sure if I booked it myself on Expedia or something I'd have got it cheaper but as I'm not that good doing this online stuff I left it to the experts in Tel Aviv. Then to work and my undercover operation, can't wait.
Shalom