Special projects
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Battling Tops
Strange day yesterday, dead quiet at work, I now have no interest in the World Cup so even the TV is out of bounds, and of course I popped round to see how Benny is getting on.
The first thing that struck me yesterday was the change in the appearance of Benny's house. For years it has looked like any other suburban two up two down or whatever you describe them as. You know the thing, small garden front and back. Well as I approached it yesterday a couple of things hit me. Firstly he has erected a flag pole in his front garden, and there is an old flag flying from it. There was no wind yesterday but it looked like it was red, white and black in colour, couldn't really make out the symbol. I made a mental note to ask Councillor Liebeman if Benny had got planning permission for that. There was also some bloke standing to attention by the front door, all dressed in brown he was, seemed most upset by my turning up, told me I could only use the back door. Now to get into Benny's from the back is a pain in the arse, but I figured I didn't want to cause a scene as my visit was to be low key so off I yomped to the back of the house. I don't know what building company he's been using but I want to know, obviously not the usual workshy layabouts you normally get. When I got there his back wall which had only been 5ft tall and therefore quite easy to get over has been doubled in height and has barbed wire on top of it to boot. I guess Benny has been having trouble with Graffiti vandals or something. Anyway as I didn't take my wall scaling gear I decided to give seeing Benny a miss, I'll try again today and this time I'll go properly equipped if you know what I mean.
OK back to the grindstone

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Battleships
Just a short update today, I have some business to attend to later on which requires some preparation, at the moment the nature of this business is classified, but suffice to say it is the result of a conversation I had with Councillor Liebeman. The conversation revolved around Benny's current activities, and I must admit it certainly raised my eyebrows. The Councillor is a shrewd git so he must know what he's doing.
Anyway I'm also a bit deflated by Trinidad and Tobago's sorry showing in the World Cup which means my shekels have gone to waste. I am extremely disappointed by their display, and I have a job lot of Pineapples and Caribbean themed stuff to get rid of. The Dustmen won't take most if it so it'll probably end up in the Hospital's Skip. Going to be tricky getting it all there on the Bike but I'm nothing if not creative, if there is one thing I'm not lacking it is an imagination.
Talking of the Hospital I'm staying well away from the Psycho ward, especially since I heard that the nurse who I shared my fag breaks with has gone sick with a nervous breakdown. From what I gather he's not the only one suffering because of our big eared guest, and the demands that Hospital management do something about him are growing every day. As killing him is classified as illegal - as well as unethical - I don't know what they can do. I bet all the quacks wished they hadn't taken that stupid oath now.
Anyway have to cut this short, I have to pop round and visit Benny as part of my new assignment, and it's not something I'm looking forward to. Can't tell you any more than that but I'm sure I'll be allowed to share it with you in the not too distant future.

Shalom

I'm having nightmares
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Mr Benn
Oh my god, I had a crappy night's sleep, and it's all down to the horrible sight in the psycho ward. All through the night every time I closed my eyes there they were, those f***ing great ears, that pathetic excuse for a beard, and the words Geezer Geezer repeating over and over again. I have been captured on more than one occasion and exposed to some forms of psychological torture but this is the worst I have ever encountered. If only I had the strength to smuggle him to Tel Aviv, we'd soon get the Arabs to crack.
With all this in mind I've managed to hide myself away whenever a call has come down from the Psycho ward for any assistance so one of the other blokes has to go up there and deal with it. Everyone who goes up there seems to come back a little different, it's as if we're all part of a great experiment. It's even stressing out the nurses. During one of my many fag breaks yesterday I was chatting to that male nurse from the psycho ward. he is a shadow of his former self, shaking almost emotionally drained and it's all down to this one patient. I discovered that the new arrival was originally scheduled for some Ear lobe reduction surgery a few weeks back, but they'd had trouble finding the right equipment, and a surgeon willing to do it. During the wait some bright spark decided that he was a "few trains short of service" as we used to say in my undercover days and put him in the psycho system. It's been downhill all the way from there.
Still at least I have the consolation of watching Trinidad progress to the next stage of the World Cup today. I might even go and place a bet on the game as Mossad intelligence has told me Pele is going to be playing up front for them. I thought he had retired but according to the report I've read Pele has all the qualities needed to ensure success in the game. Basically in a team full of black players nobody is going to notice if they slip a new bloke into the team as they all look the same anyway. By the way that is not my opinion, merely the view of the intelligence officer writing the report. Personally I think that particular way of looking at it is flawed and outdated.
It is though something Benny might go along with as he descends into what I regard as lunacy. He has had the sunroof taken out of his Trabant, and had a turret fitted instead, I got a call from his mum last night saying she was getting very worried about him. Last night she was woken up at 2am by the Police knocking on her door. Benny was with them and apparently he had been arrested for making a nuisance of himself by driving around the streets of Kennington with Deutschland Uber Alles blaring out of his car stereo. They were going to let him off with a caution as they'd confiscated the tape. Benny swore blind that it was German Rap music. I think the time is coming when I'll have to take him by the scruff of his neck.

Shalom

I don't like Mondays
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Buckaroo
Well here I am on a Monday morning wondering what I'm going to talk about today. It's really quiet at the Hospital, quiet in the homeland, and even quieter in Tooting.
Still all this silence means that I got a chance to pop up to the psycho ward and see the new admission. Actually I was lucky enough to be given an errand to run that involved going up there. A mystery package arrived, at first we thought it was a bomb, but after I noticed there were no red and blue wires in it, as I'm a former intelligence officer, I was given the job of working out who it belonged to. Well the extra large Romper suit, the gloves tied together with string so they don't get lost, and the semi naked pictures of Reg Holdsworth from Coronation Street gave me some clues. Our new boy has screamed out the name of Reg on more than one occasion so it had to be his. Getting up to the ward I approached my cigarette smoking mate, and asked him to point out the bloke who is causing in the grief. As soon as he pointed him out, I recoiled in horror, even more so than the first time I fired an Uzi when I was 4 years old. He is once again someone with whom I am vaguely familiar, there can't be many people with Ears as big as he's got. I didn't want to pursue the matter any further and pressed the package into the nurse's arms, made my excuses and left.
We all have a Nemesis (bet you lot think I don't know what that means, it's a crummy Star Trek film and yes I did buy the DVD), and while for many years his name was Yassar, toward the end of my undercover time on the Underground network his name was - censored for security reasons. Anyway I'm going to do more investigating before I confront him, accuracy and attention to detail have always been my watchwords.
Being the social climber that I am, I've been watching a lot of the World Cup on TV, and today I'm really looking forward to seeing my original country of birth - Switzerland - destroy those witch doctor lovers from Togo. Being multi lingual - as well as Jewish - I'll be able to scream insults at the TV in both Swiss, and some African language that I make up as I go along.

Shalom

Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Solitaire
Just a short one today, I'm feeling exceptionally lazy, in fact my mood reminds me of those heady days when I was working undercover on an Underground network in London. Those were the days, Wine, women, song, and just the occasional bit of work to distract me whenever I felt like it. Unlike now where I work so hard I'm changing the wheels on my trolley all the time because they've worn down to the metal after just three weeks of use. OK, that might be a rare piece of exaggeration from me but you get the drift.
Synagogue yesterday was a weird experience. The stand in Rabbi seems to have a very relaxed attitude to who can attend. Rabbi Goldberg has a very strict rule about who can attend, and that is you have to be Jewish. Rabbi Bin Laden is my sort of guy, he opens the door to everyone, and instead of one of those poles or whatever some of these religious types wave around, he waves an AK47. Yesterday for instance we even had some Arab looking types in there. Benny was there too with some of his new found friends, they stood out a bit as they were all wearing brown. One of them looked like that candidate from the recent election, and it looked like Councillor Liebeman was quite upset he was there. I suppose their insistence of singing in German, and some references to crystal or something didn't help. I didn't speak to Benny though, he seems to be really losing the plot a bit.
I'm looking forward to work tomorrow for a change as I have a bit of a free role so should be able to get up to the Psycho ward and take a look at the bloke who is causing all sorts of problems up there. I'll give him a bit of old fashioned Mossad style discipline if he gets out of his pram with me.
I'm still enjoying the World Cup, did you see what that bunch of cleaners did to the Czech mob? I particularly enjoyed one of the cleaners playing tribute to my little jaunt of 1966 and waving an Israeli flag around after the second goal and after the game. My influence is everywhere obviously.
OK, going to sit back and watch some more football, I don't watch it on BBC or ITV though. Jerusalem TV does for me.

Shalom

Oh What a Night
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Cluedo
Bit of a lazy day yesterday, as the week draws to a close the number of stiffs tends to drop off so I can kick back and do as little as possible and dream. Yesterday for instance I was dreaming that I was working for a debt collection agency, and was asked to go around to some house and get the rent we was owed. Well you could have blown me down with a kosher kipper when the address was none other than that of my old mate Englebert. Of course I tipped him off so when I got there no one was home, and the rest as they say is history. According to Englebert - who I spoke to later in the dream - he used his last pennies to catch a bus to Heathrow, bunked onto a plane to the US, and while waiting to get his passport checked broke out into song and was immediately picked up by a talent scout who was moonlighting for the US immigration department.
I was rudely disturbed at that point by the male nurse from the psycho ward who was due a fag break and has promised to keep me up to date with developments there. The new guy who has been causing problems still doesn't have a name - he is a John Doe as the Yanks would say. The staff on the ward have taken to calling him various names, none of which I can really repeat here, although from what I gather Wanker is very appropriate. To get around the problem of constantly changing his sheets, they've now got some of those that they normally use for incontinent geriatric patients which are made of plastic and rubber and they slide him out of bed in the morning. He spends his day rubbing his hands together - when he's not rubbing somewhere else - and has taken to calling all of the staff geezer - even the female nurses which they find odd. All in all he's just proving bloody annoying, although there is no doubt he is a mental case. Rumour has it he originally entered Hospital for some cosmetic surgery, and once they've tracked down exactly which Hospital he came from they'll know what he went in for. Bananaman seems to calm him down though so it's not all bad.
Picking up the papers you'd think England had beaten Brazil the other day, although Trinidad do come close to the African side in terms of football status. I see the bloody Argies cheated their way to a 6-0 victory, haven't seen it but I bet every goal was handball...cheating bastards.
OK, well I'd better get off to Synagogue, wasn't going to go but the Brick Lane Bagel Bake are doing a special presentation there today so there is the prospect of plenty of freebies. We have a stand in Rabbi while the Goldberg's are away, and he gave them special dispensation to bake on a Saturday. I must admit he strikes me as a little different from a normal Rabbi. He wears a turban for a start, and he doesn't have a Jewish sounding name, but it looks like Rabbi Bin Laden is doing a fine job. Rabbi Goldberg got him from Rent A Rabbi, which has been set up by an enterprising outfit using a PO Box in Afghanistan, must be for tax reasons is my guess.

Shalom

Lucky old England
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Snakes and Ladders
Did you watch that pile of crap yesterday? Talk about leaving it late, it looked like it would never come. Still congratulations to Sweden they were the better side overall. The big upset of the day was the mighty Trinidad and Tobago being beaten by some mob called England. My investment in the World Cup Sweepstake is looking a little shakey at the moment. The bastards better do the business in their next game, otherwise all these Pineapples are going to go to waste.
Things are more exciting at the Hospital as our latest psycho ward patient continues to cause major problems. The Hospital laundry has been put on overtime to cope with the increase in the use of sheets. The new guy has to have his constantly changed otherwise he'd get stuck to them. At least that's what one of the nurses was telling me during his fag break yesterday. Apparently this guy has been dumped on them from some nuthouse on the Kent coast, he was driving the NHS Trust there into bankruptcy with his constant demands. There was a major scene on the ward yesterday when he was given a bed bath. The nurse said he'd never seen a tantrum like it. He kept crying out for Matey and in the end one of the other nurses had to pop down to Tesco's and get a bottle. Out of their own pocket of course, our Hospital won't stand the cost for that. He then started to demand that he was let out so he could take his cat to the vet. The quack on the ward did his best to calm him down but in the end they did him with a tranquiliser gun. All quiet after that, but the nurse I was speaking to reckons that despite all of his training, it won't be too long before he's tempted to give him a smack. He was going to say give him a right hander but he might have enjoyed that if you catch my drift. One thing that is unusual though is that he has formed a special bond with Bananaman already. They spend a fair chunk of the day playing with the trainset on the ward, although there was a small argument when Bananaman asked the new boy to change the points. I'm looking forward to being able to get up to the ward next week and take a look at the new guy myself.
Well it'll soon be the weekend, I'm feeling pretty lazy at the moment so I may spend the time sitting around checking the batteries in all my gadgets. You never know when you're going to need that special bugging device that you put in the toilet bowl for instance. That's a particularly smart idea from Mossad scientists by the way. They worked out that if more than one trap is available for use, people tend not to want to use the one that has a "floater" in it. So they designed this bugging device that looks like a turd and can't be flushed. Smart eh? I knew someone who would have been very proud of that idea. It actually works very well although retrieving it afterwards can be a little stomach churning if the bog's been busy.

Shalom

The Nuremburg trial
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Monopoly
Well I can't wait for later today. The mighty T&T take on England. The only question on my mind is how many goals will be scored. Things look promising if the latest intelligence reports from Tel Aviv are to be believed. England's golden boy - Jimmy Greaves - won't be on the pitch at the start of the game. I can see the Shekels moving into my bank account right now.
Some people have asked me why I'm not in Germany cheering the boys on myself. Well a couple of reasons. Firstly the Germans are still a bit pissed that they got blamed for that little incident at the Olympics back in 1972. They reckon the Israeli security consultant they used didn't do his job properly. Well in my defence there was nothing in my plans about the athletes wanting to leave early, how was I to know they'd try and nick some helicopters in the middle of the night. The other reason is that I'm too tight fisted to actually buy a ticket. Why do that when you can watch it for free.
The Hospital has been put in a state of uproar by its latest admission. Remember I told you about that Ambulance from the Kent NHS trust. Well turns out they used the back entrance as he wasn't really supposed to be admitted here. The Hospital's attempts to get shot of this problem haven't been successful yet, and from what the staff tell me he is probably the most difficult patient they have ever had. They've put him in the Psycho ward for the time being as they're not sure what he's doing here. The nurses are griping though as they had to change the bedsheets five times last night, and he keeps crying out the name of Reg Holdsworth, and some other geezer named Tony. I'm sure over the next few days I'll learn a bit more about this new patient. Don't have any reason to go up to the Psycho ward at the moment as I'm looking after the stiffs but maybe next week.
OK, well time to dig out the Calypso tape I got yesterday, slip it into the new stereo system on my trolley and go and wheel another one down to the mortuary.

Shalom

General Hospital
Now Playing: The Queen's Christmas Speech
I've decided to leave Benny alone for a few days to see if he starts to come round a bit. I know he would do anything for a few Shekels, so hopefully his dedication to his current hobby is only to ensure he wins what he describes as a very lucrative contract, otherwise I might have to put out a contract on him if you know what I mean.
Meanwhile at the hospital, life goes on. It seems that the trolley sharing scheme is proving about as popular as the Metropolitan Police in a Mosque. Most of the guys still seem to be using their regular trolley, and because now the weather's pretty good we're not getting so many stiffs to deal with, I've decided to get my one fitted with a stereo system so I can blast out music while I'm wheeling things about. I figure it'll do the patients morale the world of good if they can join in with some Barbara Streisand or Motorhead when they're going down to theatre or wherever, plus to tell the truth it'd be better than that crap they broadcast over the hospital radio network. The hospital station was doing handstands the other day as they've managed to persuade "broadcasting legend" Tony Blackburn to do an hour or so once a month. I have no idea how they managed to pull that off. Thinking back he may have actually come through here a couple of months ago, Tony did some very distinctive things with a Tennis Racket, and I thought at the time it may have been a copycat. Anyway I look forward to meeting up with him again, those wild parties with Englebert and Tom Jones are still fixed in my mind. Maybe we can bring those days back again.
Hanging around by the bins on my fag break means I get to see some sights. Today I saw an Ambulance from the Kent NHS trust roll up to the back door. Now I thought maybe he was dumping some rubbish, not uncommon for everyone to get rid of their more unsavoury stuff in the hospital bins. Instead they had what the driver called "a special case" in the back. Couldn't really make out what was going on, but I heard someone complaining that they'd have to change the sheets again on the stretcher. They hurriedly rushed whoever it was into the hospital. When he came back - I told you it was pretty quiet - I asked the driver what was going on. He just told me to sit tight, I would know soon enough. This is very intriguing, my Mossad Radar was certainly sparked into life, and I'll let you know as soon as I do.
I've ordered a case load of Pineapples for tomorrow to help me get in the swing of T&T's next game. One of the lads reckons I'm guilty of stereotyping people. I honestly don't know what he means, our African cleaners seem quite happy when I call them Kaffirs, I think it reminds them of home. If only more people made the effort to learn some different languages the world would be a happier place. Look at me fluent in about 15 of them including Chinese, although I'm not so sure the bloke in the Chinese takeaway down the road understands me, always gets my order wrong or should that be Wong.

Shalom

Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: With myself
Well spent a fair bit of my time on the phone to the homeland yesterday telling them how to deal with their little railway problem, looks like my messages got a bit garbled though, or at least a crossed line. When I asked for some air support I meant that I wanted to see some pictures from a helicopter of the scene of the derailment, not take out a few Arabs on the Gaza strip. Anyway no big deal, all's well that ends well.
Controversy at the hospital as the new rule sharing trolleys comes into effect. I jealously guard my one has it has been heavily customised. If you ever visit you'll spot my trolley straight away. Chrome wheels specially imported from the US, a go faster stripe, and I had it painted with that stuff the Yanks paint their spy planes in so it's not so easy to pick up on Radar. All that plus an Uzi holder. I don't want one of those boring ones painted standard hospital Grey and nothing else. I've now resorted to taking it home with me, and I did get a few strange looks on the way home yesterday I can tell you. Some people thought I was doing a charity thing and kept throwing money at me, makes a change from bottles I suppose. Does slow me down a bit as well, as my specially designed racing bike wasn't really planned with towing a hospital trolley in mind.
Benny's behaviour grows ever more eccentric. I called round his place last night and his mum told me he was down the Library. Sure enough when I got down there he was sitting with a pile of books, apparently he had cleared out their Third Reich section. Now I'm all for Benny doing a little research into his latest clothing project, but I think he's getting a bit too wrapped up in this one. Even more disconcerting was the fact that he has taken to wearing a Brown shirt all the time according to his mum, although the main gripe from her is that he tends to throw it in with the whites and screws up her laundry. At least he is still respectful of the Library rules and was keeping his music to himself on his Ipod. When I asked him what he was listening to he said some geezer called Horst Wessel or something. Must be one of those Pop Idol contestants I've never heard of.
Because of this I missed the World Cup, but no problem as Trinidad weren't playing. I'm getting all psyched up for the big clash with Paraguay next week, although I believe they're playing England soon. I'm not too bothered about that match though as it'll be a walkover. Anyway must get going, got to polish the chrome on my trolley.

Shalom

Benny
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Doctors and Nurses
Strange day yesterday, sat back and watched some more of the World Cup. The more I see, the more convinced I am about my sweepstake team who I'm told will be playing England some time this week. Great, three more easy points for T&T and maybe the papers will shut up about Wayne and Co. It was too hot for the poor dears in Frankfurt, they should try cycling up a mountain when it's 100 degrees, or stake out an Egyptian foxhole wearing 100 lbs of kit when it's 120, then they can complain...f***ing fairies!
Got a phone call from Benny's mum last night and she is really worried about him. He got home about 8pm and was dropped off in what she claimed was a tank. So she asked me if I'd have a word. So I donned my best cycling clips, hopped onto my fastest bike and dashed around there. When I got there Benny was standing outside, drill in hand and looking at the front door of his house. His greeting was a little unusual too "Ah Der Juden" was how he said hello. I asked him what he was up to and he said he'd been away with a few friends of his to a little summer camp outside Bognor. He`really wants to win their clothing contract so he thought he'd find out what their tastes really are, that way he can come up with a winning design. He came back with a few souvenirs and he said he really liked this plaque and wanted to get it up straight away. "Arbeit Macht Frei" it said. Now Benny isn't the brightest Dinari in the pile, but even he should know that for a Jewish bloke that isn't really considered very tasteful. So I persuaded him not to put it up immediately, and have a drink instead. He apologised for having no Schnapps, but we found an old Watney's Party Seven in one of his cupboards and settled for that. What he told me alarmed me a little, more for the fact he seems to really enjoy their company. Turns out all Benny has to do is go down the local library and get out some books about 1930's Germany and he'll have all the designs he needs. He did wonder if Mo's discount store might have a few old patterns knocking about somewhere, but I told him probably not. Apparently the first big contract Benny looks like he'll get from them is for a case of stick on foreskins. His new friends don't want anyone to miss out on the fun, but this particular item is a requirement. Benny did invite me to their next get together - or rally as he called it - but I think I'll decline his kind offer. I need to keep a closer eye on him for a while that's for sure.
Back at the Hospital and all is very mundane. I've got the job of wheeling the stiffs down to the mortuary again this week, although the quacks have told my boss they don't want me anywhere near ICU or Geriatrics unless they need the beds in a hurry. They complain that all the extra paperwork that gets generated when I'm about stops them from doing what Doctors do best, namely drinking, smoking, and trying to get the new nurse into the linen cupboard for an internal examination. Understandable I guess, although not so sure why one of them tries it on with the male nurses. Maybe they have a sweepstake for that and he just gets unlucky.
Anyway better cut this short, my Star of David pager is going off, must be something up in the homeland.

Shalom

UPDATE: Seems there has been a train derailment back home, at last I can put my experience of covering things up to great use.

Trinidad and Tobago to win World Cup
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Cowboys and Indians
Well what did I tell you. The mighty Trinidad and Tobago took their first step to World Cup glory, and the 100 shekel sweepstake will be mine in a months time. I had a great time setting up the TV in my Operations centre at home just in case the phone from Tel Aviv rang. The Jacob Marley stuff booming out from my Ghetto blaster must have been like when the Yanks did that geezer in Panama with all that Bucks Fizz and Abba stuff all those years ago. All in all a great day, and what about England? Well that's three points next week for my lot no problem.
Tried to get hold of Benny yesterday, but his mum told me he has gone away for the weekend with his new friends. She said she is a bit worried about him as she has started watching these tapes of some bloke with a strange Moustache. All in black and white they are, and in a funny language. She knows it's not English, maybe it's something like Urdu or something. He has also started taking an extreme amount of interest in polishing the new footwear he has just got. Apparently he got them from a store called Jack's Boots or something. Never heard of it, maybe it's one of those trendy stores in Kennington that I've heard about. Anyway she wants me to talk to him when he gets back.
Today I'm going to sit back and watch more football, and dreaming of how I'm going to spend my winnings.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Rolf's Cartoon Club
Sorry for the late update today, Saturday is synagogue day of course, plus I'm planning to watch some of this World Cup stuff. When you've got money riding on something you like to watch where it's going.
I must say I was a bit upset and felt let down when I discovered that I didn't have two teams to watch. It turns out that Trinidad and Tobago can't rustle up 11 players each and have combined forces for their assault on the trophy. Alliances in Football, what next? I bet if Israel ever make the finals there would be an Arab alliance turning up just to make sure they didn't make it very far. Anyway I'm trying to get into the spirit of things. My Football knowledge is unrivaled, and I've learned that England, Sweden and Paraguay will be facing the mighty Trinidad and Tobago. Well England is three points in the bag, that big lanky streak of piss called Michael Owen won't present much of threat. I'm more concerned with Sweden and Paraguay to tell the truth. So after Synagogue this morning I popped down B&Q and got a couple of palm trees, then it was to Mo's discount store where I found some Jacob Marley Reggae stuff in the discount bin. I'm all set now although I'll draw the line at the funny fags, I'll stick with my trusty B&H.
The Goldberg's have gone on holiday which means I can drop the Danny La Rue stuff for a little while. I don't know where they've gone, so I'll be hacking into the Home Office computer later on to check up on them.
As for Bananaman at the hospital. Well it looks like the treatment is working as he seems to be losing his fear of Bananas. In fact the psycho people have got him used to calling them that "Bent Yellow Fruit" and it doesn't seem to worry him anymore. So there's a chance he'll be released soon. My only concern is who will plan the train service on the psycho ward train set if he goes. Probably do it myself, my previous undercover experience means I can do it blindfolded.
One notable absentee from Synagogue this morning was Benny. I'm getting more and more worried about him. I'll cycle round later on to see what he is up to.
OK, time to cheer on the mighty Trinidad and Tobago.

Shalom

World Cup Fever
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Jackanory
This week has been an extremely quiet one all round, and sometimes it's hard to find something to write about, even for someone like me who can't normally shut up.
I had a result in the World Cup sweepstake we've got going in the hospital. I drew Trinidad and Tobago which meant I got two teams for the price of one so my chances are much improved. I don't know why the other guys were so keen to get the likes of Argentina, Brazil or even England. Still when I get a chance, I'll be checking to see when Trinidad and Tobago are going to be on the box, hopefully their matches won't clash and I'll be able to watch them both.
Spoke to Benny last night. He's been really tied up with these clothing deals I told you about, and may I say has been spending time with some really dubious company. I learned that he's been out drinking with that Mach Kenna bloke from the election who reckoned they could make a killing on some retro stuff from the 1930's. According to this bloke, lots of people want stuff from that era, particularly from Germany. All Benny has to do is knock up a few old uniforms. The workmanship doesn't have to be too good - if they are falling apart it adds to the authenticity - which appeals to Benny as he can get in some really cheap labour. Mach Kenna will either tout it out on Ebay, or visit certain little get togethers around the country and sell it for a high price. Benny asked me if I knew what was meant by the colour SS black as that is the colour in most demand. I'm not sure I want to get involved in this, doesn't strike me as too legal, and while some of my activities in the past have strayed the wrong side of the legal line that has been in the defence of Israel/Switzerland.
I am a bit concerned as Benny seems to be neglecting the website because of all this stuff and told him so. Benny likes money like any person would, but I have an army of people who want to know more about me. So I extracted a promise from him that he'll get something new up in the next day or so.
Not much else to write about today, as of yet we've had no interesting stuff wander off the streets and into the hospital, still a few hours to go so maybe we'll get something nice and weird to wheel about.

Shalom

NHS woes
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Thunderbirds
Well I loved the story I heard on the radio this morning. One more of those Muslim cranks less. Looks like the advice I give the US Air Force (in exchange for cheap petrol for the fastest VW in the west) is finally paying off. I've been telling them for ages that if you want to deal with these people you have to use Jewish pilots, after all they know more about killing Arabs than anyone else.
The news did brighten my mood up a bit as things are not going so well down at the hospital. The NHS problems with money are all over the papers, and despite our importance, us trolley pushers are not immune to them. We all got summoned to a meeting when we got in, meant we had to leave people lying on trolleys in the corridor, but to be honest I think people like to have that happen to them, gives them something to bleat about to the press. Anyway looks like someone has been probing the expenses of our department and they don't like what they've found. We are going to have to explain a recent large order for Pepsi Max and Milk Tray which has been placed. Just goes to show how out of touch these blokes in management are. These items are not only essential in the world of secret agents. Pushing a trolley about is energy draining work and we need it to make sure we don't crash out on the floor. OK I get to take the surplus home, but that's a perk of the job. A little harder to explain was the bill for servicing a couple of Uzis. Now I kept a bit quiet there as I'm the only one who has that attachment on my trolley, but I might have to find another way of getting that done for free. Finally the hospital helicopter looks like it's been used for purposes other than transporting sick people about. Now I don't know about you, but that's a pretty expensive item that spends a hell of a lot of time sitting on the roof doing absolutely nothing, so I've been subbing it out to interested parties when things are slack. This though has caused problems as the maintenance and fuel bills are much higher than expected. I'm pretty glad they can't trace it back to me though, I might get in trouble. The upshot of this little exercise is that there will be cutbacks, and it looks like that instead of having individual, customised trolleys like we do now, we're going to have to start sharing them. This was a particularly alarming piece of news. As you all know I've put special wheels, an Uzi holder, and a go faster stripe on mine, and I'll be buggered if I'm going to share that with everybody else. So it looks like I'll have to start taking it home with me to make sure it stays in my hands. The other blokes didn't seem too bothered by the news though, but then they don't go in for customising as much as me.
I've been asked if Bananaman is still with us, and the news is that he is, but he is so doped up at the moment that he just sits in the corner staring into space. Apparently a couple of the political parties are showing an interest in him, as in his current state he would make an ideal MP. I must pop up there and see what they're giving him, it's not as much fun with him like that.
Anyway better get going and make sure I keep a close eye on the fastest trolley in the NHS.

Shalom

Football Crazy
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Play Away
Life is really slow at the moment. I did manage to reply to the "concerned Jew" complaint and hopefully that'll be the last I see of him, otherwise he'll find me tapping his phone calls, reading his e-mail, and building up a profile of his daily behaviour so I can take him out at my leisure. Of course if I find out he lives in the USA I won't bother, the CIA and FBI are probably doing it already.
Seems that the whole world is going football crazy at the moment. One of the lads at work got told off for flying an England flag on his trolley, apparently he put it in the slot where they like to hook up the IV drip thing so one of the quacks here complained. Miserable git, losing a couple of clients is no big deal, and it would all be forgotten about if England were to win. I of course am trying to remain above all of this stupidity. Mainly because Israel didn't make it, and despite all of their millions neither did Chelsea. I will be taking a passing interest in Switzerland though, as one of my passports claims that that is one of the many nationalities I have. Staying on the subject who is this geezer Wayne I hear everyone fretting about? My mates at work seem very worried about him, and the big news is he is having a scan done on his foot. Big deal, they do loads of scans at the hospital everyday and nobody bats an eyelid.
For those of you interested in history, today is the 25th anniversary of the day I bombed that place in Iraq. Now I know I mentioned it the other day, but I'm hoping that if I push it enough on here, I might get an invite to the big reception they're having in the homeland next month. Even if it's only pushing the drinks trolley about I'd love to be there and put everyone straight. Of course though this partly depends on the date, I might be getting ready to cycle around France by then. Benny has set up a cycling team - something to do with his income tax - called Team Benny. As I'm the only person he knows who can ride a bike he asked me to lead it. It'll be great to take on the best in the sport again, and show how good Israel can be at a sport if it puts its mind to it. I have after all been King Of The Mountains many years running in the Tour Of Cricklewood, and if I can handle the wheelchair ramps at IKEA, the Pyrenees and Alps are mere speed bumps.

Shalom

I have received a complaint
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: The Muppet Show
There I was yesterday laying on my trolley during a quiet spell at work when I thought I heard music. Sure enough it was the theme tune from "Schindler's List" which meant it was Benny on the phone. He seemed quite upset. He said he'd been working away on something new for the website, and while checking that the links worked he noticed a new entry in the guestbook. He said I'd need to check it out.
So after I got home last night I logged on to see what he was on about and there it was...someone has complained about the content of this blog. Now call me suspicious but it has all the hallmarks of a wind up but I could be wrong. I'm not going to use this blog to address this person's concerns, but I'll reply to them in the guestbook itself. If you want to know what I'm on about take a peek at the guestbook, and if you have any comments about it, leave them there or if you feel moved enough send me an e-mail.
Anyway I don't want to dwell too much on that, even though yesterday was a slow day as far as activity was concerned. I'm on general duties at the hospital this week which means I get to do a lot of wheeling about, one minute I'm taking someone up to X-Ray, next minute I've got to take some OAP to the bog because they've crapped themselves. Now you might think I enjoy the variety that this brings, but I don't. With my background in the secret agent business I like to be able to plan everything in advance, and this particular job assignment doesn't allow me to do that as I don't know where I'll be at what time. Even my fag breaks are disrupted although I've found a spot round by the bins where my hospital pager doesn't work, now all I've got to do is work out a way to stop the smoke rising and I'll be OK. Maybe I could get one of those blankets like that little geezer had in "Lord Of The Rings" you know the one that makes you invisible. I'll have to make some discreet enquiries, maybe Mossad are working on one, if they are it'd better be fireproof.
Mrs Goldberg called last night, and wants me to do some research on the songs of Danny La Rue. I'm not sure if she wants me to break the code he used, or just wants me to learn the messages off pat. The more I learn about this bloke the more fascinated I get about him. For years he pranced up and down a stage, done up like a woman, belting out his secret messages in public. That's a pretty brazen way to run an operation, and could explain why nobody ever got suspicious. I don't have much time for the French as you know, but this guy is a real hero. I'm going to start a campaign to get a statue of him put up somewhere.
OK, let me reread this complaint and probably reply to it.

Shalom

Memories
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: The Adventures of Morph
Back to work today, you may have noticed that I rarely work weekends, I manage to avoid doing that on religious grounds claiming that as an orthodox Jew I'm not allowed to work on Saturdays. Now some of my more jovial colleagues will claim that that is no different from any other day of the week, but as a lot of what I do is undercover how would they know. I bet none of them could have solved the Bagel bake case as quickly as me.
Scanning the Internet I came across something on the BBC news website that brought back some very fond memories for me. It reminded me that 25 years ago I bombed the crap out of some nuclear reactor in Iraq at some place called Osirak. I remember it as if it was yesterday. At the time I was working undercover on London's Underground system, I can't remember exactly what my cover was exactly, I seem to recall having these large things in my hand that someone said went against the wheels, anyway I got the call at work that I was needed to fly a special mission so could I pop down and do it for them. No problem, one of the good things about my Underground experience was that disappearing for a few days at a time didn't raise suspicion. So I made out I was blind or something, strapped on my jet pack and flew down to Israel. The exact tactics of the operation are still a great secret, but the story put out is that 8 planes were involved. I can exclusively reveal that that is not really true. I remember that in an attempt to keep losses to a minimum, and in an environmentally friendly move that was ahead of its time, we used a single hot air Balloon with a couple of water bombs hanging from underneath it. The Hot Air Balloon was self fueling, all I had to do from time to time was talk into a pipe. Just to make sure they knew it was us the Balloon was done up with a big Israeli flag. To cut a long story short I used the water bombs to deadly effect, from a height of 30,000 feet and just using my eyesight I successfully hit the nuclear power plants fusebox, shorting out the electricity supply to the place. We knew they'd never be able to repair the damage as they'd sent home the electrician the week before, and our intelligence told us that they couldn't afford the call out charge to get him back. Of course to make it seem like a success for the Israeli Air Force they maintain the place was truly bombed and have a reunion every year for the pilots involved, not many people know the truth, and I was sworn to secrecy
Anyway, fond memories indeed, I see the BBC are allegedly running a few stories about it this week, so I'll be keeping an eye on it, and will correct the story as necessary.

Shalom

Oh my aching head
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: John Craven's Newsround
Bit of a wild session with Benny last night, we must have polished off at least two cans of Carlsberg, then I got stopped by the Police while cycling home. No problem there though, one sight of my mysterious ID card and I was waved on my way.
My head feels like the Hindenburg when it blew up, I was once the best drinker in Mossad, I could handle a can of Special Brew without showing any obvious effects, but those days have gone now and it doesn't take much to send me over the edge. Also means that I struggle to get out of bed after a session, hence the late update to this.
So what did Benny and I discuss last night? Well as I said yesterday he has been approached by a rather controversial clothing company to design a new fashion collection. Apparently Benny had sent them some sketches he'd drawn, and they liked the stripiness of it. They've decided to call it the "Auschwitz Collection", and they really thought the way it could be customised to suit certain social groupings with symbols like yellow stars and pink triangles was really cool. Now call me a fool if you like but I think Benny got the idea from somewhere else, he does have a rather worrying taste for 1930's German history so maybe he drew his inspiration from that.
We also talked about his lack of progress on the website, I really thought he'd have got my holiday pictures up by now, but as he said he has been busy lately. Anyway he has said not only will he get the holiday pictures up this week, he'll also have a bit of a surprise for me. I can't wait, Benny's surprises are always something special.
Whilst there I thought I'd quiz him on his kosher DIY book he'd mentioned the other night as it was the first I'd heard of it. He said it was a brand new idea, and changing the light bulb was the first project he was working on. Other chapters will include 101 things you can fix with a stale Bagel, and more importantly how you can get these Bagels for free.
Talking of Bagels I'm going to have to cut this short as I'm late getting in my Sunday Bagel ration. The Bagel Bake has reopened after last weeks crime, and I figure they owe me big time for solving the case so quickly, regardless of what the top brass back in Tel Aviv think.

Shalom

Dressed up to the nines
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Tweenies
So last night off I skied to the residence of Rabbi Goldberg for the first meeting proper of the Production team for Israel's answer to Danny La Rue. I must admit I am a little uncomfortable with the whole idea, all my research hasn't uncovered anything all action about this French bloke at all. It doesn't even look as if he's ever delivered a box of Milk Tray, let alone drink a can of Pepsi Max. In fact from what I can tell, the geezer's a raving poof who dressed up in women's clothes. Still when you think about it, it's a fantastic cover and it was obviously never broken which says a lot.
So yesterday Mrs Goldberg wanted to discuss the outfits. Now with my Hollywood background I would have thought we should work out the storyline first, then do the wardrobe bit later, but she was adamant. When I talk to Kirk (Douglas) later on I'll have to see what he thinks. Anyway she pulled out a load of dresses and asked me to try them on. Now in my time I've had to wear lots of disguises, but I've never been done up as a woman, but I guess when you're portraying one of France's most successful spies you have to look the part. The ladies seemed to love it, and I swear there was the flash of a camera at some stage, but it could also have been some sort of sniper's aiming device - there are a lot of people out there who would like to put a bullet in me. Mrs Liebeman made a comment that my legs were a bit too hairy and that I'd have to shave them. Strangely enough I wouldn't find that a chore, I used to keep them shaved when I was doing the Tour De France, Tour of Spain that sort of thing, reduced the wind drag. Do you know I was the first Jew to be King of The Mountains? I admit though that I got a bit scared when she said I'd have to be fitted for a corset. My good old Mossad issued Jockey shorts are fine by me. The whole evening was great fun for the ladies, and at the end of it I was told that next week we'll work out the material. At last I'll finally find out what acts of international daring this bloke actually did. Maybe councillor Liebeman has been digging into some files to which I don't have access.
As I left I bumped into Benny and I was surprised to see him there. He said he had just popped round to change a light bulb, but when pressed as to why he had his camera with him, he admitted he was working on a kosher DIY manual and was taking pictures of the whole process step by step. He has been busy lately so he was probably just taking the opportunity while it was there. Apparently some other group has now been in touch with him and want him to design a clothing line after seeing his tee shirts, but he would tell me more about it later as he had to get home and process the pictures he'd just taken. We're going to meet up after Synagogue tomorrow and share a drink. It'll be nice to do that, and I'll find out what progress he's making with my holiday snaps. I could have had them done at Boot's quicker but Benny is cheaper.

Shalom