Assassination Squads
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Captain Scarlet
Well I'm in a good mood today, and the reason is something I heard on TV last night. While the rest of you lot make do with your ordinary Sky satellite dish, someone of my standing needs something a little more substantial, so I have one that can pick up Telstar and all the stuff it transmits. Anyway as I was scanning all the channels I come across this Yankee channel, and it so happens that the geezer on there was talking about this missing Israeli soldier. Well you could have knocked me down with a pickled herring when he started talking about Mossad's famed assassination squads. Now I have really fond memories of those, and it occurred to me that maybe I should pay more attention to the Tel Aviv hotline in my kitchen. You never know, I never been to Syria so here's my chance, I hear the nightlife in Damascus is pretty lively, especially when you have F16's flying overhead. So this morning I was flicking through the medical dictionary looking for something that could afflict me at short notice should I get the call. I did the Ebola thing last time so I need something new, maybe a touch of TB will go down well, nobody would be too surprised with some of the people we get at the hospital, and I'm referring to the staff!
At the hospital it's all very quiet, and that worries me. Even Big Ears is playing the game and behaving himself, although that might have something to do with him being tied up and gagged, something it looks like he quite enjoys actually. We even get away with showing episodes of Eastenders instead of Coronation Street but that's only because someone realised Big Ears has a thing for Dot Cotton, well at least she's female...I think...might be a bloke playing a woman I don't know.
One big piece of news is that Bananaman has been released. With his interest in railways we managed to get him some care in the community and some company that has something to do with trains has taken him on at one of their locations. I would like to say I had something to do with it, I have connections everywhere, but in this case it was one of the quacks, the same one who treats that bloke with variable bad back.
Anyway my watch is vibrating which means I have a high level call coming in, could this be the moment I've been waiting for.

Shalom

Go Get 'em
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Action Man
It's all happening down in the Homeland, see we've taken out a few more of those Arabs, that'll teach 'em to nick one of our soldiers. Of course I have experience of being captured back in the 60's when my one man assault on Egypt was halted when I stopped off at a Bakers near Cairo to get some Bagels. Bastards didn't have any so I kicked up a bit rough, by the time I left my tank had been clamped and the Egyptian Old Bill were already there. Still the whole thing led to The Great Escape which as you know by now Hollywood remade and turned into a second world war thing, never want to give us Jews any credit that lot.
The Hospital is surprisingly quiet, probably because everyone's watching the Tennis at Wimbledon although it's been banned from the Psycho ward. Apparently the sight of all those players bending over sent Big Ears into a state of delirium...god knows what would have happened if he'd been allowed to watch the women. Now despite all my sporting prowess, I never really got into Tennis, we did try and set up a court in our back yard in Cricklewood when I was a kid, but have you ever tried to play Tennis while wearing skis, f***ing hard I can tell you.
Not much else going on to tell the truth, the Gimp mask is doing its job wonderfully, and I must admit I'm quite enjoying myself up there now. I am getting plenty of chance to catch up on my reading material, I haven't been able to fully read "Mossad Monthly" and "Women's Own" for ages because I've been so busy, so I sit there in my chair just passing the day away, all I really do now is hose down the sheets in the morning, take regular fag breaks, and read. One bonus of fitting Big ears with the Gimp mask is that he can't smoke anymore, such a pity eh. Also I heard that my wallscaling gear should be back from the calibration people later this week so I can start doing covert operations at weekends again, it's all coming together quite nicely don't you think.

Shalom

I'm an idiot
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Who killed Bambi
Well yesterday was rounded off by me making a bloody fool of myself, which is a rarity it must be said.
I made the blunder I joked about...yep I forgot where I hid my trolley, and it was so well hidden it was dark before I found it. To cut a long story fairly short, after work yesterday I cycled off home to get one of my spare and highly secretive Mossad tracking device things to attach to the trolley. Well I decided to go back to the Hospital and attach it while the location of the thing was still fresh in my mind, however I got distracted by another bright idea of mine. As you know I am being driven up the wall by the antics of big ears in the psycho ward, so as I cycled back to the Hospital I decided to stop by Madam Sue's bondage emporium for some supplies. The thing I was looking for was a Gimp mask, now I must stress I know nothing about this sort of stuff, but I remember seeing one on the Internet. Anyway Madam Sue was helpful as always and pointed me in the right direction, and while I was there I decided to stock up on a few whips and chains, well you never know when you might get to torture someone for some highly sensitive information.
Having paid for all the stuff on my Bank Of Israel credit card, I continued on my way to the Hospital. Chaining my bike to the railings I set off into the Hospital grounds as I thought I'd get the device on the trolley first before I took the gimp mask up to the ward. Now it was getting dark, and my training had always told me that I should make sure my face had some of that camouflage cream on it. Not sure why we use it, but it makes us secret agents look tough. As I had none of it on me I thought I'd give the gimp mask a shot, does the same job essentially. So there I was staggering around the hospital grounds, looking for my trolley when much to my horror I got caught by security. I must have looked a bit of a sight in my outfit and they thought I was a rapist or something. Anyway once the police arrived, one flash of the mysterious ID card with the Star Of David on it was enough to halt all further questioning and I was allowed on my way. I found my trolley and have now tagged it, plus today I put the gimp mask on Big Ears and all is quiet. For some reason he kept screaming "Tony Tony, yes, yes" while I put the mask on him, seems just like me he is a Tony Blackburn fan and he must have been enjoying his show on the Hospital radio.
Of course those loudmouths in Security have been spreading round rumours that I'm some sort of bondage freak, and my masculinity is being called into question, all I will say that come judgement day they'll be among the first I'm dealing with.

Shalom

Psycho
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: My Little Pony
Grrrrr, I really do hate Mondays, just like that song by Israeli Folk singer Moshe Rubenstein. Of course it was shamelessly ripped off by some group in the UK, and I think even Engelbert did a cover version...or was it Rolf Harris...I can't remember.
Anyway as I told you, the Duty Trolley manager has seconded me to the Psycho ward for the week. He has decided that the ward needs a dedicated trolley pusher while we have that f***ing idiot from the Kent NHS trust staying with us, even though the psychos don't normally get wheeled around as a rule. I also think there is some petty revenge in his decision, last week I parked my trolley in his parking space while I went down into the basement to try out my Night Vision goggles, and he got a bit pissed off. Still the goggles work great so I can't complain. What has really annoyed me is the jobs I'm being given to do to pass the time. So far today I've had to hose down the plastic sheets we're putting on the idiot's bed, watch three episodes of Coronation Street (Actually so we don't have to screen the episodes we now show the same one with Reg Holdsworth over and over again, he hasn't noticed), and stand guard over the small collection of Barbie Dolls that are used by some of the shrinks in their role playing exercises. One of the nurses thinks big ears has been trying to rape them. On top of that, it turns out that he smokes and he has been following me downstairs on my fag breaks. The other guys are finding it all highly amusing, but if this job isn't shared around I'll be speaking to the Union about it.
I'm also worried about my trolley. As you know we are supposed to share trolleys now, but I don't want anyone to get hold of my customised one. Who knows what would happen if they started playing with my Uzi in Outpatients. So I sneaked it into the Hospital grounds and draped some Israeli Army camouflage netting over it so it can't be seen. That stuff is pretty good blends in very naturally, I'm pretty sure I can remember where I parked it but I think I'll stick some sort of tracking device on it just in case, I'd look bloody stupid if I couldn't find it at the end of the week.
OK, well I'd better be going, Big ears is due to wake up from his afternoon nap soon, so I'll probably have some more sheets to hose down before I can leave here today, I'm just praying I don't have to watch that episode of Coronation Street again.

Shalom

A conversation with Councillor Liebeman
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Mousetrap
Just a quickie today as I'm settling in to watch England get knocked out by Ecuador. I've got my Guinea Pig on the grill so I'm all set.
Had a short chat with Councillor Liebeman about the Benny situation. Apparently Benny was given his first chance to work undercover and get some much needed intelligence about the people he has now got involved with. I suppose the Councillor was looking at it from the point of view of a tax dodge or something but that's a different story. Anyway it seemed Benny committed the cardinal sin of any covert operative and turned native. I did point out that as I wrote the Mossad manual on covert operations he should have asked me to do it. He didn't seem to agree with me, said something about mistakes at airports whatever that might mean. I've now been given the job though of getting Benny out of the mess he has got in, so I not only have to extricate him somehow, but I have to get him right in the head too. No problem there, I am the master of psychological warfare, once I get going nobody can avoid my voice. I've been told that some of the equipment I need to do this job should be back from calibration this week. You see I'm such a perfectionist that I make sure all my stuff meets ISO standards, wouldn't want that rope to break while climbing a wall.
Still, it gives me something to look forward to, especially as the Duty Trolley Manager has told me I've been seconded to the Psycho ward this week, bloody big eared git, I'm not even there yet and he's ruining my life.

Shalom

Saturday shambles
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Tiddlywinks
Ahh Saturday at last, the chance for a well earned rest and an entertaining trip to the Synagogue. With Rabbi Goldberg coming back from his holidays next week, this was the last chance to see the stand in bloke - Rabbi Bin Laden. He has certainly brought in the crowds with his open door policy, but I doubt if many of them will stay on, mainly because they're not Jewish. As I mentioned last week, Rabbi Bin Laden is not your regular Rabbi. He doesn't wear a skull cap like the rest of us, and insists on keeping his tatty camouflage jacket on while he rants on about the USA. I am a bit disappointed in his choice of weapon though, an AK47, that's for girls in my opinion, should be using an Uzi, now there's a mans gun. Anyway I digress, this weeks sermon was about the evils of America once again, I don't know what this geezer has against the Yanks, I've always found them OK. He then rounded it all off by telling everyone that he'd managed to get hold of some discounted copies of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2004, and if anyone was interested to see him afterwards. He also mentioned some cheapo flying lessons so I took a look at the leaflet he was dishing out. The lessons were cheap alright, but they only mention how to fly the plane after it's in flight, nothing about landing it or getting it off the ground. Anyway I'm already a qualified pilot so I'm not too bothered, but there did seem to be quite a mob who were asking about it, not synagogue regulars by the look of it.
No sign of Benny today which was a bit of a disappointment as I'd been planning on speaking to him. Looks like I'm going to have to get in touch with him the hard way so I'll be checking out my black outfit when I get home. Councillor Liebeman also expressed his concern and is a bit miffed that I haven't been in touch with Benny yet. Doing something undercover requires careful planning though, and I'm not sure the Councillor is aware of all the extra building work that Benny has recently had done. I did ask him if Benny had applied for any planning permission recently, but he didn't know off the top of his head. I'll be pretty pissed off if Benny got permission, after all there's no difference to what Benny has had done and the anti tank ditch I wanted to build, or was it the guard tower...I can't remember now I lead such a hectic life.
Anyway I have stuff to check out, plus I need to chase up that mob about my wall scaling gear, I sent it off for calibration weeks ago and still no sign of it. It's holding up clandestine operations now.

Shalom

Friday Fumblings
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Operation
Thank god it's Friday, this week has been extremely slow all round. The Hospital has been dead quiet and I'm steering clear of the Psycho ward because of that new guy. They actually have a staffing crisis up there at the moment because a lot of the staff have gone sick, and are so desperate that they asked me if I'd do a bit of overtime this weekend as I have medical experience. I decided against it as I'm likely to end the weekend by taking the big eared git out. Then again maybe that's what they want me to do. He's costing us a fortune in Romper suits, and he's even wearing out the plastic sheets. Yesterday while out on a fag break I spotted a big van with Matey written on the side arrive and drop off a few boxes, then there were all the Coronation Street videos, somebody has been told to sift through them and only send the ones with Reg Holdsworth in up to the ward. If he's not in the episodes apparently Dumbo goes mad, bursts out crying and calls out for his mum. Now we know why that other place was so keen to get rid of him.
Meanwhile down in casualty they were clearing up after a gangload of spaced out hippies went berserk because they missed the Summer solstice as they were on an LSD trip or something. I'm not too convinced that was the case though, looking in their VW camper that was left in the car park there seemed to be a large number of KFC boxes, looks like they overdosed on the new spicy chicken wings.
I'm actually looking forward to Synagogue tomorrow, and no there's not another Bagel Bake thing going on. Rabbi Bin Laden has really added a new dimension to the whole worshipping thing, he includes such trendy new phrases such as "Death To America" in his sermons. Now whilst I'm no scholar, my intense studies of the Torah, or whatever that thing the Rabbi reads out of is called, doesn't actually mention America at all. He must be using the updated version. Anyway I really like his idea of setting up bomb making classes for the over 60's, and Chemical Warfare for beginners. It's a pity Rabbi Goldberg is coming back next week, I'm sure it'll be back to all that religious claptrap when he returns, and that is so boring.
I'm hoping that Benny is there tomorrow so I can get a chance to speak to him, been trying his phone but it isn't working. When I tapped up a mate of mine who works for BT he said that Benny had recently applied to have his number transferred to an exchange in Berlin. F***ing hell Benny, means I'll have to dial long distance whenever I call him now, inconsiderate bastard. I decided against going round to see him last night as my wall scaling gear is out for calibration and not available.
OK, got to go and drop my skull cap off at the cleaners.

Shalom

Special projects
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Battling Tops
Strange day yesterday, dead quiet at work, I now have no interest in the World Cup so even the TV is out of bounds, and of course I popped round to see how Benny is getting on.
The first thing that struck me yesterday was the change in the appearance of Benny's house. For years it has looked like any other suburban two up two down or whatever you describe them as. You know the thing, small garden front and back. Well as I approached it yesterday a couple of things hit me. Firstly he has erected a flag pole in his front garden, and there is an old flag flying from it. There was no wind yesterday but it looked like it was red, white and black in colour, couldn't really make out the symbol. I made a mental note to ask Councillor Liebeman if Benny had got planning permission for that. There was also some bloke standing to attention by the front door, all dressed in brown he was, seemed most upset by my turning up, told me I could only use the back door. Now to get into Benny's from the back is a pain in the arse, but I figured I didn't want to cause a scene as my visit was to be low key so off I yomped to the back of the house. I don't know what building company he's been using but I want to know, obviously not the usual workshy layabouts you normally get. When I got there his back wall which had only been 5ft tall and therefore quite easy to get over has been doubled in height and has barbed wire on top of it to boot. I guess Benny has been having trouble with Graffiti vandals or something. Anyway as I didn't take my wall scaling gear I decided to give seeing Benny a miss, I'll try again today and this time I'll go properly equipped if you know what I mean.
OK back to the grindstone

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Battleships
Just a short update today, I have some business to attend to later on which requires some preparation, at the moment the nature of this business is classified, but suffice to say it is the result of a conversation I had with Councillor Liebeman. The conversation revolved around Benny's current activities, and I must admit it certainly raised my eyebrows. The Councillor is a shrewd git so he must know what he's doing.
Anyway I'm also a bit deflated by Trinidad and Tobago's sorry showing in the World Cup which means my shekels have gone to waste. I am extremely disappointed by their display, and I have a job lot of Pineapples and Caribbean themed stuff to get rid of. The Dustmen won't take most if it so it'll probably end up in the Hospital's Skip. Going to be tricky getting it all there on the Bike but I'm nothing if not creative, if there is one thing I'm not lacking it is an imagination.
Talking of the Hospital I'm staying well away from the Psycho ward, especially since I heard that the nurse who I shared my fag breaks with has gone sick with a nervous breakdown. From what I gather he's not the only one suffering because of our big eared guest, and the demands that Hospital management do something about him are growing every day. As killing him is classified as illegal - as well as unethical - I don't know what they can do. I bet all the quacks wished they hadn't taken that stupid oath now.
Anyway have to cut this short, I have to pop round and visit Benny as part of my new assignment, and it's not something I'm looking forward to. Can't tell you any more than that but I'm sure I'll be allowed to share it with you in the not too distant future.

Shalom

I'm having nightmares
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Mr Benn
Oh my god, I had a crappy night's sleep, and it's all down to the horrible sight in the psycho ward. All through the night every time I closed my eyes there they were, those f***ing great ears, that pathetic excuse for a beard, and the words Geezer Geezer repeating over and over again. I have been captured on more than one occasion and exposed to some forms of psychological torture but this is the worst I have ever encountered. If only I had the strength to smuggle him to Tel Aviv, we'd soon get the Arabs to crack.
With all this in mind I've managed to hide myself away whenever a call has come down from the Psycho ward for any assistance so one of the other blokes has to go up there and deal with it. Everyone who goes up there seems to come back a little different, it's as if we're all part of a great experiment. It's even stressing out the nurses. During one of my many fag breaks yesterday I was chatting to that male nurse from the psycho ward. he is a shadow of his former self, shaking almost emotionally drained and it's all down to this one patient. I discovered that the new arrival was originally scheduled for some Ear lobe reduction surgery a few weeks back, but they'd had trouble finding the right equipment, and a surgeon willing to do it. During the wait some bright spark decided that he was a "few trains short of service" as we used to say in my undercover days and put him in the psycho system. It's been downhill all the way from there.
Still at least I have the consolation of watching Trinidad progress to the next stage of the World Cup today. I might even go and place a bet on the game as Mossad intelligence has told me Pele is going to be playing up front for them. I thought he had retired but according to the report I've read Pele has all the qualities needed to ensure success in the game. Basically in a team full of black players nobody is going to notice if they slip a new bloke into the team as they all look the same anyway. By the way that is not my opinion, merely the view of the intelligence officer writing the report. Personally I think that particular way of looking at it is flawed and outdated.
It is though something Benny might go along with as he descends into what I regard as lunacy. He has had the sunroof taken out of his Trabant, and had a turret fitted instead, I got a call from his mum last night saying she was getting very worried about him. Last night she was woken up at 2am by the Police knocking on her door. Benny was with them and apparently he had been arrested for making a nuisance of himself by driving around the streets of Kennington with Deutschland Uber Alles blaring out of his car stereo. They were going to let him off with a caution as they'd confiscated the tape. Benny swore blind that it was German Rap music. I think the time is coming when I'll have to take him by the scruff of his neck.

Shalom

I don't like Mondays
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Buckaroo
Well here I am on a Monday morning wondering what I'm going to talk about today. It's really quiet at the Hospital, quiet in the homeland, and even quieter in Tooting.
Still all this silence means that I got a chance to pop up to the psycho ward and see the new admission. Actually I was lucky enough to be given an errand to run that involved going up there. A mystery package arrived, at first we thought it was a bomb, but after I noticed there were no red and blue wires in it, as I'm a former intelligence officer, I was given the job of working out who it belonged to. Well the extra large Romper suit, the gloves tied together with string so they don't get lost, and the semi naked pictures of Reg Holdsworth from Coronation Street gave me some clues. Our new boy has screamed out the name of Reg on more than one occasion so it had to be his. Getting up to the ward I approached my cigarette smoking mate, and asked him to point out the bloke who is causing in the grief. As soon as he pointed him out, I recoiled in horror, even more so than the first time I fired an Uzi when I was 4 years old. He is once again someone with whom I am vaguely familiar, there can't be many people with Ears as big as he's got. I didn't want to pursue the matter any further and pressed the package into the nurse's arms, made my excuses and left.
We all have a Nemesis (bet you lot think I don't know what that means, it's a crummy Star Trek film and yes I did buy the DVD), and while for many years his name was Yassar, toward the end of my undercover time on the Underground network his name was - censored for security reasons. Anyway I'm going to do more investigating before I confront him, accuracy and attention to detail have always been my watchwords.
Being the social climber that I am, I've been watching a lot of the World Cup on TV, and today I'm really looking forward to seeing my original country of birth - Switzerland - destroy those witch doctor lovers from Togo. Being multi lingual - as well as Jewish - I'll be able to scream insults at the TV in both Swiss, and some African language that I make up as I go along.

Shalom

Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Solitaire
Just a short one today, I'm feeling exceptionally lazy, in fact my mood reminds me of those heady days when I was working undercover on an Underground network in London. Those were the days, Wine, women, song, and just the occasional bit of work to distract me whenever I felt like it. Unlike now where I work so hard I'm changing the wheels on my trolley all the time because they've worn down to the metal after just three weeks of use. OK, that might be a rare piece of exaggeration from me but you get the drift.
Synagogue yesterday was a weird experience. The stand in Rabbi seems to have a very relaxed attitude to who can attend. Rabbi Goldberg has a very strict rule about who can attend, and that is you have to be Jewish. Rabbi Bin Laden is my sort of guy, he opens the door to everyone, and instead of one of those poles or whatever some of these religious types wave around, he waves an AK47. Yesterday for instance we even had some Arab looking types in there. Benny was there too with some of his new found friends, they stood out a bit as they were all wearing brown. One of them looked like that candidate from the recent election, and it looked like Councillor Liebeman was quite upset he was there. I suppose their insistence of singing in German, and some references to crystal or something didn't help. I didn't speak to Benny though, he seems to be really losing the plot a bit.
I'm looking forward to work tomorrow for a change as I have a bit of a free role so should be able to get up to the Psycho ward and take a look at the bloke who is causing all sorts of problems up there. I'll give him a bit of old fashioned Mossad style discipline if he gets out of his pram with me.
I'm still enjoying the World Cup, did you see what that bunch of cleaners did to the Czech mob? I particularly enjoyed one of the cleaners playing tribute to my little jaunt of 1966 and waving an Israeli flag around after the second goal and after the game. My influence is everywhere obviously.
OK, going to sit back and watch some more football, I don't watch it on BBC or ITV though. Jerusalem TV does for me.

Shalom

Oh What a Night
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Cluedo
Bit of a lazy day yesterday, as the week draws to a close the number of stiffs tends to drop off so I can kick back and do as little as possible and dream. Yesterday for instance I was dreaming that I was working for a debt collection agency, and was asked to go around to some house and get the rent we was owed. Well you could have blown me down with a kosher kipper when the address was none other than that of my old mate Englebert. Of course I tipped him off so when I got there no one was home, and the rest as they say is history. According to Englebert - who I spoke to later in the dream - he used his last pennies to catch a bus to Heathrow, bunked onto a plane to the US, and while waiting to get his passport checked broke out into song and was immediately picked up by a talent scout who was moonlighting for the US immigration department.
I was rudely disturbed at that point by the male nurse from the psycho ward who was due a fag break and has promised to keep me up to date with developments there. The new guy who has been causing problems still doesn't have a name - he is a John Doe as the Yanks would say. The staff on the ward have taken to calling him various names, none of which I can really repeat here, although from what I gather Wanker is very appropriate. To get around the problem of constantly changing his sheets, they've now got some of those that they normally use for incontinent geriatric patients which are made of plastic and rubber and they slide him out of bed in the morning. He spends his day rubbing his hands together - when he's not rubbing somewhere else - and has taken to calling all of the staff geezer - even the female nurses which they find odd. All in all he's just proving bloody annoying, although there is no doubt he is a mental case. Rumour has it he originally entered Hospital for some cosmetic surgery, and once they've tracked down exactly which Hospital he came from they'll know what he went in for. Bananaman seems to calm him down though so it's not all bad.
Picking up the papers you'd think England had beaten Brazil the other day, although Trinidad do come close to the African side in terms of football status. I see the bloody Argies cheated their way to a 6-0 victory, haven't seen it but I bet every goal was handball...cheating bastards.
OK, well I'd better get off to Synagogue, wasn't going to go but the Brick Lane Bagel Bake are doing a special presentation there today so there is the prospect of plenty of freebies. We have a stand in Rabbi while the Goldberg's are away, and he gave them special dispensation to bake on a Saturday. I must admit he strikes me as a little different from a normal Rabbi. He wears a turban for a start, and he doesn't have a Jewish sounding name, but it looks like Rabbi Bin Laden is doing a fine job. Rabbi Goldberg got him from Rent A Rabbi, which has been set up by an enterprising outfit using a PO Box in Afghanistan, must be for tax reasons is my guess.

Shalom

Lucky old England
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Snakes and Ladders
Did you watch that pile of crap yesterday? Talk about leaving it late, it looked like it would never come. Still congratulations to Sweden they were the better side overall. The big upset of the day was the mighty Trinidad and Tobago being beaten by some mob called England. My investment in the World Cup Sweepstake is looking a little shakey at the moment. The bastards better do the business in their next game, otherwise all these Pineapples are going to go to waste.
Things are more exciting at the Hospital as our latest psycho ward patient continues to cause major problems. The Hospital laundry has been put on overtime to cope with the increase in the use of sheets. The new guy has to have his constantly changed otherwise he'd get stuck to them. At least that's what one of the nurses was telling me during his fag break yesterday. Apparently this guy has been dumped on them from some nuthouse on the Kent coast, he was driving the NHS Trust there into bankruptcy with his constant demands. There was a major scene on the ward yesterday when he was given a bed bath. The nurse said he'd never seen a tantrum like it. He kept crying out for Matey and in the end one of the other nurses had to pop down to Tesco's and get a bottle. Out of their own pocket of course, our Hospital won't stand the cost for that. He then started to demand that he was let out so he could take his cat to the vet. The quack on the ward did his best to calm him down but in the end they did him with a tranquiliser gun. All quiet after that, but the nurse I was speaking to reckons that despite all of his training, it won't be too long before he's tempted to give him a smack. He was going to say give him a right hander but he might have enjoyed that if you catch my drift. One thing that is unusual though is that he has formed a special bond with Bananaman already. They spend a fair chunk of the day playing with the trainset on the ward, although there was a small argument when Bananaman asked the new boy to change the points. I'm looking forward to being able to get up to the ward next week and take a look at the new guy myself.
Well it'll soon be the weekend, I'm feeling pretty lazy at the moment so I may spend the time sitting around checking the batteries in all my gadgets. You never know when you're going to need that special bugging device that you put in the toilet bowl for instance. That's a particularly smart idea from Mossad scientists by the way. They worked out that if more than one trap is available for use, people tend not to want to use the one that has a "floater" in it. So they designed this bugging device that looks like a turd and can't be flushed. Smart eh? I knew someone who would have been very proud of that idea. It actually works very well although retrieving it afterwards can be a little stomach churning if the bog's been busy.

Shalom

The Nuremburg trial
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Monopoly
Well I can't wait for later today. The mighty T&T take on England. The only question on my mind is how many goals will be scored. Things look promising if the latest intelligence reports from Tel Aviv are to be believed. England's golden boy - Jimmy Greaves - won't be on the pitch at the start of the game. I can see the Shekels moving into my bank account right now.
Some people have asked me why I'm not in Germany cheering the boys on myself. Well a couple of reasons. Firstly the Germans are still a bit pissed that they got blamed for that little incident at the Olympics back in 1972. They reckon the Israeli security consultant they used didn't do his job properly. Well in my defence there was nothing in my plans about the athletes wanting to leave early, how was I to know they'd try and nick some helicopters in the middle of the night. The other reason is that I'm too tight fisted to actually buy a ticket. Why do that when you can watch it for free.
The Hospital has been put in a state of uproar by its latest admission. Remember I told you about that Ambulance from the Kent NHS trust. Well turns out they used the back entrance as he wasn't really supposed to be admitted here. The Hospital's attempts to get shot of this problem haven't been successful yet, and from what the staff tell me he is probably the most difficult patient they have ever had. They've put him in the Psycho ward for the time being as they're not sure what he's doing here. The nurses are griping though as they had to change the bedsheets five times last night, and he keeps crying out the name of Reg Holdsworth, and some other geezer named Tony. I'm sure over the next few days I'll learn a bit more about this new patient. Don't have any reason to go up to the Psycho ward at the moment as I'm looking after the stiffs but maybe next week.
OK, well time to dig out the Calypso tape I got yesterday, slip it into the new stereo system on my trolley and go and wheel another one down to the mortuary.

Shalom

General Hospital
Now Playing: The Queen's Christmas Speech
I've decided to leave Benny alone for a few days to see if he starts to come round a bit. I know he would do anything for a few Shekels, so hopefully his dedication to his current hobby is only to ensure he wins what he describes as a very lucrative contract, otherwise I might have to put out a contract on him if you know what I mean.
Meanwhile at the hospital, life goes on. It seems that the trolley sharing scheme is proving about as popular as the Metropolitan Police in a Mosque. Most of the guys still seem to be using their regular trolley, and because now the weather's pretty good we're not getting so many stiffs to deal with, I've decided to get my one fitted with a stereo system so I can blast out music while I'm wheeling things about. I figure it'll do the patients morale the world of good if they can join in with some Barbara Streisand or Motorhead when they're going down to theatre or wherever, plus to tell the truth it'd be better than that crap they broadcast over the hospital radio network. The hospital station was doing handstands the other day as they've managed to persuade "broadcasting legend" Tony Blackburn to do an hour or so once a month. I have no idea how they managed to pull that off. Thinking back he may have actually come through here a couple of months ago, Tony did some very distinctive things with a Tennis Racket, and I thought at the time it may have been a copycat. Anyway I look forward to meeting up with him again, those wild parties with Englebert and Tom Jones are still fixed in my mind. Maybe we can bring those days back again.
Hanging around by the bins on my fag break means I get to see some sights. Today I saw an Ambulance from the Kent NHS trust roll up to the back door. Now I thought maybe he was dumping some rubbish, not uncommon for everyone to get rid of their more unsavoury stuff in the hospital bins. Instead they had what the driver called "a special case" in the back. Couldn't really make out what was going on, but I heard someone complaining that they'd have to change the sheets again on the stretcher. They hurriedly rushed whoever it was into the hospital. When he came back - I told you it was pretty quiet - I asked the driver what was going on. He just told me to sit tight, I would know soon enough. This is very intriguing, my Mossad Radar was certainly sparked into life, and I'll let you know as soon as I do.
I've ordered a case load of Pineapples for tomorrow to help me get in the swing of T&T's next game. One of the lads reckons I'm guilty of stereotyping people. I honestly don't know what he means, our African cleaners seem quite happy when I call them Kaffirs, I think it reminds them of home. If only more people made the effort to learn some different languages the world would be a happier place. Look at me fluent in about 15 of them including Chinese, although I'm not so sure the bloke in the Chinese takeaway down the road understands me, always gets my order wrong or should that be Wong.

Shalom

Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: With myself
Well spent a fair bit of my time on the phone to the homeland yesterday telling them how to deal with their little railway problem, looks like my messages got a bit garbled though, or at least a crossed line. When I asked for some air support I meant that I wanted to see some pictures from a helicopter of the scene of the derailment, not take out a few Arabs on the Gaza strip. Anyway no big deal, all's well that ends well.
Controversy at the hospital as the new rule sharing trolleys comes into effect. I jealously guard my one has it has been heavily customised. If you ever visit you'll spot my trolley straight away. Chrome wheels specially imported from the US, a go faster stripe, and I had it painted with that stuff the Yanks paint their spy planes in so it's not so easy to pick up on Radar. All that plus an Uzi holder. I don't want one of those boring ones painted standard hospital Grey and nothing else. I've now resorted to taking it home with me, and I did get a few strange looks on the way home yesterday I can tell you. Some people thought I was doing a charity thing and kept throwing money at me, makes a change from bottles I suppose. Does slow me down a bit as well, as my specially designed racing bike wasn't really planned with towing a hospital trolley in mind.
Benny's behaviour grows ever more eccentric. I called round his place last night and his mum told me he was down the Library. Sure enough when I got down there he was sitting with a pile of books, apparently he had cleared out their Third Reich section. Now I'm all for Benny doing a little research into his latest clothing project, but I think he's getting a bit too wrapped up in this one. Even more disconcerting was the fact that he has taken to wearing a Brown shirt all the time according to his mum, although the main gripe from her is that he tends to throw it in with the whites and screws up her laundry. At least he is still respectful of the Library rules and was keeping his music to himself on his Ipod. When I asked him what he was listening to he said some geezer called Horst Wessel or something. Must be one of those Pop Idol contestants I've never heard of.
Because of this I missed the World Cup, but no problem as Trinidad weren't playing. I'm getting all psyched up for the big clash with Paraguay next week, although I believe they're playing England soon. I'm not too bothered about that match though as it'll be a walkover. Anyway must get going, got to polish the chrome on my trolley.

Shalom

Benny
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Doctors and Nurses
Strange day yesterday, sat back and watched some more of the World Cup. The more I see, the more convinced I am about my sweepstake team who I'm told will be playing England some time this week. Great, three more easy points for T&T and maybe the papers will shut up about Wayne and Co. It was too hot for the poor dears in Frankfurt, they should try cycling up a mountain when it's 100 degrees, or stake out an Egyptian foxhole wearing 100 lbs of kit when it's 120, then they can complain...f***ing fairies!
Got a phone call from Benny's mum last night and she is really worried about him. He got home about 8pm and was dropped off in what she claimed was a tank. So she asked me if I'd have a word. So I donned my best cycling clips, hopped onto my fastest bike and dashed around there. When I got there Benny was standing outside, drill in hand and looking at the front door of his house. His greeting was a little unusual too "Ah Der Juden" was how he said hello. I asked him what he was up to and he said he'd been away with a few friends of his to a little summer camp outside Bognor. He`really wants to win their clothing contract so he thought he'd find out what their tastes really are, that way he can come up with a winning design. He came back with a few souvenirs and he said he really liked this plaque and wanted to get it up straight away. "Arbeit Macht Frei" it said. Now Benny isn't the brightest Dinari in the pile, but even he should know that for a Jewish bloke that isn't really considered very tasteful. So I persuaded him not to put it up immediately, and have a drink instead. He apologised for having no Schnapps, but we found an old Watney's Party Seven in one of his cupboards and settled for that. What he told me alarmed me a little, more for the fact he seems to really enjoy their company. Turns out all Benny has to do is go down the local library and get out some books about 1930's Germany and he'll have all the designs he needs. He did wonder if Mo's discount store might have a few old patterns knocking about somewhere, but I told him probably not. Apparently the first big contract Benny looks like he'll get from them is for a case of stick on foreskins. His new friends don't want anyone to miss out on the fun, but this particular item is a requirement. Benny did invite me to their next get together - or rally as he called it - but I think I'll decline his kind offer. I need to keep a closer eye on him for a while that's for sure.
Back at the Hospital and all is very mundane. I've got the job of wheeling the stiffs down to the mortuary again this week, although the quacks have told my boss they don't want me anywhere near ICU or Geriatrics unless they need the beds in a hurry. They complain that all the extra paperwork that gets generated when I'm about stops them from doing what Doctors do best, namely drinking, smoking, and trying to get the new nurse into the linen cupboard for an internal examination. Understandable I guess, although not so sure why one of them tries it on with the male nurses. Maybe they have a sweepstake for that and he just gets unlucky.
Anyway better cut this short, my Star of David pager is going off, must be something up in the homeland.

Shalom

UPDATE: Seems there has been a train derailment back home, at last I can put my experience of covering things up to great use.

Trinidad and Tobago to win World Cup
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Cowboys and Indians
Well what did I tell you. The mighty Trinidad and Tobago took their first step to World Cup glory, and the 100 shekel sweepstake will be mine in a months time. I had a great time setting up the TV in my Operations centre at home just in case the phone from Tel Aviv rang. The Jacob Marley stuff booming out from my Ghetto blaster must have been like when the Yanks did that geezer in Panama with all that Bucks Fizz and Abba stuff all those years ago. All in all a great day, and what about England? Well that's three points next week for my lot no problem.
Tried to get hold of Benny yesterday, but his mum told me he has gone away for the weekend with his new friends. She said she is a bit worried about him as she has started watching these tapes of some bloke with a strange Moustache. All in black and white they are, and in a funny language. She knows it's not English, maybe it's something like Urdu or something. He has also started taking an extreme amount of interest in polishing the new footwear he has just got. Apparently he got them from a store called Jack's Boots or something. Never heard of it, maybe it's one of those trendy stores in Kennington that I've heard about. Anyway she wants me to talk to him when he gets back.
Today I'm going to sit back and watch more football, and dreaming of how I'm going to spend my winnings.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Rolf's Cartoon Club
Sorry for the late update today, Saturday is synagogue day of course, plus I'm planning to watch some of this World Cup stuff. When you've got money riding on something you like to watch where it's going.
I must say I was a bit upset and felt let down when I discovered that I didn't have two teams to watch. It turns out that Trinidad and Tobago can't rustle up 11 players each and have combined forces for their assault on the trophy. Alliances in Football, what next? I bet if Israel ever make the finals there would be an Arab alliance turning up just to make sure they didn't make it very far. Anyway I'm trying to get into the spirit of things. My Football knowledge is unrivaled, and I've learned that England, Sweden and Paraguay will be facing the mighty Trinidad and Tobago. Well England is three points in the bag, that big lanky streak of piss called Michael Owen won't present much of threat. I'm more concerned with Sweden and Paraguay to tell the truth. So after Synagogue this morning I popped down B&Q and got a couple of palm trees, then it was to Mo's discount store where I found some Jacob Marley Reggae stuff in the discount bin. I'm all set now although I'll draw the line at the funny fags, I'll stick with my trusty B&H.
The Goldberg's have gone on holiday which means I can drop the Danny La Rue stuff for a little while. I don't know where they've gone, so I'll be hacking into the Home Office computer later on to check up on them.
As for Bananaman at the hospital. Well it looks like the treatment is working as he seems to be losing his fear of Bananas. In fact the psycho people have got him used to calling them that "Bent Yellow Fruit" and it doesn't seem to worry him anymore. So there's a chance he'll be released soon. My only concern is who will plan the train service on the psycho ward train set if he goes. Probably do it myself, my previous undercover experience means I can do it blindfolded.
One notable absentee from Synagogue this morning was Benny. I'm getting more and more worried about him. I'll cycle round later on to see what he is up to.
OK, time to cheer on the mighty Trinidad and Tobago.

Shalom