I go to the Lavatreeee!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Fantasy Foot ball
Bad dream last night so I didn't sleep too well. I imagined that I'd been summoned by the man himself - The one and only Moshe Dyan - and given a special task. He handed me an iron bar and told me to get Blokhin and Preppin. I had no idea who they were, but I assumed that they were a couple of Russian players who might jeopardise Israeli hopes in the next world cup. I was though in a state of confusion, the Mossad assassination manual had never mentioned how to kill with an iron bar, so I approached the great man himself and asked him what do I do with this iron bar. He looked stunned "After all this time you do not know what to do?" , he laughed "Under a train you will soon learn" and with that it came to me. I was to travel to Moscow, wait until Blokhin and Preppin were standing on a Moscow Metro platform, then nudge them on the back with the Iron bar as a train pulled into the platform, forcing them onto the track. It was pure genius. But then the fears came, how was I going to carry the bar on as hand luggage, and wouldn't it stand out a bit on the platform? I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning with the problem of carrying out this task unseen, and it still never came to me. It's still troubling me now. This could be a long weekend coming up.
So today I'm in a bit of a daze, and walking around looking pretty clueless, took someone to the morgue instead of X-Ray, that gave them a bit of a shock I can tell you, even absent mindedly left my trolley round by the bins while I had a fag break, and it almost got taken by the dozy dustmen. I'd better be careful while skiing home today that's all I know.
Anyway at least I've got time to ponder the problem, and I may even ask Councillor Liebeman for some advice at Synagogue tomorrow.

Shalom

I eat my Lunch
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Battleships
Haven't got much to say for myself today, with no covert operations to undertake until we come up with a new plan, life is in a rut. I've even bought a paper today so I can have an up to date and correct TV guide after all the problems I've had with the cheapo one.
Working down in Casualty is a drag too, as I don't do the night shift as a rule, I don't get to sort out all the drunks etc that roll in once the pubs chuck out, so I don't get the chance to use the ancient art of Hava Nagida as often as I like. My days are currently filled with OAP's who've fallen over in Tesco's, and kids who've managed to insert all sorts of objects up their noses, although in some cases maybe they are practicing for their future careers as drug mules. I do like to talk as you all know full well, but as we are under pressure to meet our target of not keeping anyone waiting for more than 4 hours, the Duty Trolley Manager has banned me from doing that, so like a monk I have to walk around all day in silence. That can't be right though, I'm thinking of getting the Union involved.
Benny has been sighted, according to the latest intelligence report he is now driven around the streets of Stockwell and Kennington in an open top car, and prefers to stand instead of sit. If that's the case maybe I should dig out my sniper gear and take the fool out, a nice head shot would do the trick. However Councillor Liebeman wants him alive for some reason, so that plan is a non starter before it even begins. I would use Hava Nagida on him, but having been associated with Mossad in his time, Benny knows all the moves and how to deflect them, using earplugs is remarkably effective. When I get home tonight I'm going to trawl through some of the mission plans I have developed over the years and see if any of them might be the one. I've written so many that it's hard to keep track of them all.
Anyway got to go, some little brat has just been brought in with a Big Mac stuffed up their nose, I dread to think where he put the Fries.

Shalom

I chop down Trees
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Poker
It was an effort to tap into the keyboard today, I feel so f***ing lazy but then again I suppose that's nothing new.
I got woken up early this morning by Councillor Liebeman who had come round in an unmarked van to take away all the dodgy boxes of Milk Tray we were going to use in Operation Benny. We've now got to work out a new plan, and as it's a covert operation some sort of distraction is necessary. Dropping money over Kennington is out as we're too tight fisted, although maybe I could knock some dodgy stuff up on the computer, or even get hold of some old Italian Lire, the dozy gits won't notice. Thinking about it, it's a pity we didn't use the chocolate as with everyone stuck on the bog, nobody would have been any the wiser to what I was up to, but the Councillor was worried that someone might call up one of those sleazy lawyers you see advertised on Satellite TV, and it might cost him a few shekels.
Talking of the TV, I'm getting seriously concerned about the source of my TV guide. Now I know you get one with the Sunday papers, but hey who wants to buy a paper, I normally stick to The West Bank Times for all of my information. Now I don't know who is getting the TV information for them, but I know one thing, there is no way they work for Mossad, the information is way off the mark. Take last night, I thought I was going to be watching a nice new Asian soap opera called Currynation Street, well once again I was stunned to see it was the same old tired Northern thing going on about Betty's Hotpots. Now I'm getting really concerned about Betty, her pots are always hot, and as a pensioner I don't know how she can justify the cost of electricity or gas to keep them that way, it's f***ing wrong of the writers to be showing a pensioner as so affluent that they can keep their pots hot all day long, no wonder Blair and co don't want to increase pensions if that's the way they think pensioners live.
Anyway I'd better stop ranting otherwise you'll think I don't do anything except watch TV and I'm not really an international man of mystery.

Shalom

and I work all day
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Mousetrap
Well Operation Benny is off. I got a call from Councillor Libeman telling me not to proceed. Glad I got it as otherwise I'd have shelled out for the remote control helicopter for nothing. The reason for the cancellation is all to do with Cadbury's current problems with their chocolate. I think the councillor was worried that there would be some awkward questions if we poisoned half the population of Kennington with dodgy Milk Tray, although as I pointed out to him nobody would notice as Kennington is full of work shy layabouts and criminals, something the Councillor told me I should keep to myself if I was wise.
So I spent another evening in front of the TV instead although I am getting concerned that my cut price TV guide is leading me a bit astray. Once again I thought I was in for a night of good old cockney entertainment, and looking forward to Barbara Windsor singing "Knees Up Mother Brown" in the latest edition of "Songs Of Krays", imagine my shock that it turned out to be some religious claptrap called "Songs of Praise". That was followed by a rather disappointing show, which I thought was going to be a Jewish variety thing. Turns out that "The Jew Man Group" was actually a load of blokes painted blue doing stupid things with paint and pipes etc and they were really called "The Blue Man Group". I'll be complaining to Mr Patel down at the newsagents when I pick up my new guide at the weekend.
At work Casualty was full of the usual suspects as everyone thinks that they'll try their hand at Tennis while Wimbledon is on, problem is that the Tony Blackburn style of backhand is becoming increasingly popular and some people are gripping their Tennis rackets a little too tightly if you ask me, still it makes a change from the usual bottles and vacuum cleaners.

Shalom

I sleep all night
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Noddy in Toyland
God I'm feeling really lazy today, just continuing on from last night really where I didn't bother to go and rescue Benny from his current situation. Flicking around the channels last night I found a couple of programmes that I didn't want to miss, and as my video recorder is set up to record all the latest air strikes from the Gaza strip, I had to stay in and watch them.
The first was a very interesting one about sharks, now for some strange reason I was drawn naturally to this show and learned some stuff about sharks that I didn't know. Did you know they eat people? However I was quite alarmed by some omissions too, at no stage did they mention the ones that lend money to people, from what I read they are the most dangerous sort.
That was followed up by a show about the East End in the 1960's. Now I watched this one to see if I got a mention anywhere, or at least to see if I was in any of the shots with Ronnie and Reggie, after all it was supposed to be about musicians who made their start in East End pubs and as everyone knows Ronnie, Reggie and me were well known in most of the East End boozers. Well either someone didn't do their research or their idea of a pub was different to mine. The programme comprised of nothing but pictures of blokes unloading ships, now I could have sworn the TV guide said the programme was called 'Rockers', but checking another one this morning it seems it was called 'Dockers'. That might explain something I suppose.
I'm back down in Casualty this week and sorted out my trolley this morning which in its week in hiding had become home to a couple of squirrels and a wino who couldn't believe his luck at finding something comfortable to sleep on. I thought about taking them all out with the Uzi, but settled for shooing the Squirrels away and paying off the wino with an out of date fiver I keep for that sole purpose. Had to hose the trolley down afterwards as it smelt a bit odd for which I blame the Squirrels although to be fair the wino chucked up a bit too.

Shalom

and I'm OK
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Pictionary
Well what advice can I give my old mate Sven Goran Eriksson after yesterdays little debacle against the mighty Portuguese. To paraphrase some Norwegian Football Commentator from a few years back "Tony Blair, Benny Hill, Harry Worth, Englebert Humperdinck your boys took one hell of a beating". I would also like to know where Wayne Rooney had got hold of a book of Mossad interrogation techniques, his move when he got the Red Card was straight off of Figure 1 on page 32. I'm pretty amazed as I didn't even know he could read...then again we do use mainly pictures in the book for that very reason.
After thoroughly enjoying my countrymen knocking out England, I started checking over details for my little covert operation I'm going to be undertaking if the weather's OK and there's nothing I want to watch on the TV. Last night I laid out my favourite black outfit, polished my Uzi, and packed my wallscaling gear in a London Underground duffel bag so as not to raise any suspicion. The time has come to get Benny out of his current situation and bring him back to Streatham for debriefing and any necessary treatment. Benny has become even more elusive over the last week or so, and there are now rumours that the people he is working with are even employing doubles of him to put us off track. The plan basically comprises of me flying my remote controlled helicopter to the Kennington area, releasing cans of Pepsi Max and boxes of Milk Tray onto the streets. I'm hoping that will cause so much disruption that I'll be able to climb into Benny's new hideaway snatch him up and get him out without anyone noticing. We were going to use money to cause the distraction but being Jewish we don't throw that sort of stuff around lightly, and the Cans of Pepsi Max and Milk Tray boxes are past their sell by date anyway so the costs are negligible. What happens after I get him back to Streatham is out of my hands, Councillor Liebeman is taking over from there.
I've also heard that Rabbi Bin Laden has popped up somewhere on the Internet, nice to see he's still around, must go and see what he's having to say for himself. I hope he mentions our synagogue somewhere in his speech, be nice to know we made an impression.
Anyway I've got to go and check out the TV guide to see if it's on for tonight or not.

Shalom

I'm a Lumberjack
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hungry Hippos
Just a quickie today, mainly because my Portuguese blood is kicking in and I want to watch the football.
Now I've got my wall scaling gear back from the calibration department in Stamford Hill I can now carry out Councillor Libeman's request to sort out Benny, more about that tomorrow.
Rabbi Goldberg pulled me up at Synagogue this morning and wanted to know why I wasn't round his house last night for a rehearsal of the Danny La Rue thing his wife is into. Well one mention of councillor Liebeman's name was enough to shut him up, and looks like I'm off the hook for that for the time being. Synagogue was pretty boring today now that Goldberg's back, I did ask where Rabbi Bin Laden has gone but nobody seems to know. Someone did hint that he'd gone back to his cave which got a bit of a laugh, but I know there are no caves in Tooting so it can't be true...maybe he lives in the Tube Station, or he might even work there, I'd better hack into the London Transport computers and find out. He really livened things up for a while.
Anyway time to watch the game, then start planning Operation Get Benny.

Shalom

I'm still waiting
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Thunderbirds
Well it's gone all quiet on the missing soldier front so it looks like I won't be heading for Damascus after all. What about the vibrating watch alert I hear you ask. Turns out it was some salesman trying to sell me double glazing f***ing cold callers. Probably got my name off of one of the many mailing lists I belong to. When you're as well connected as me you do tend to get your name in the most unexpected places.
Last day on the Psycho ward today, and I've been pretty impressed with how I handled that big eared bastard. The nurses and quacks don't seem too pleased about me leaving him tied up all day, but they can kiss my arse. I think he's getting away easy, if I was really serious I'd be depriving him of sleep, flaying his feet with a whip until there was no skin left on them, then pouring salt on the open wounds, all combined with an electrical thing strapped to his nuts. Mind you he seems a bit on the kinky side so he might enjoy that. Torturing people was one of my specialties when I worked for Mossad although I'm not so brutal these days. I've found that I can inflict more severe damage just by opening my mouth.
Got a phone call from someone I've haven't heard from in ages. No not Benny, but my old mate Kirk (Douglas), apparently as a Fulham season ticket holder he's entitled to a couple of seats at the World Cup final, wanted to know if I'd join him. Probably not, I think deep down Kirk wants me to repeat the stunt I pulled off in 1966, but stadium security is much tighter these days so smuggling an Israeli flag in will be tougher. I know that bloke from Ghana managed it, but he was actually playing and had it tucked into his sock, still if I'm at a loose end I may put on my jetpack and fly over to Berlin...we'll see.
OK, my wall scaling gear is ready for pick up from the calibration place so I'm off to pick it up. Covert missions are back on again.

Shalom

Assassination Squads
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Captain Scarlet
Well I'm in a good mood today, and the reason is something I heard on TV last night. While the rest of you lot make do with your ordinary Sky satellite dish, someone of my standing needs something a little more substantial, so I have one that can pick up Telstar and all the stuff it transmits. Anyway as I was scanning all the channels I come across this Yankee channel, and it so happens that the geezer on there was talking about this missing Israeli soldier. Well you could have knocked me down with a pickled herring when he started talking about Mossad's famed assassination squads. Now I have really fond memories of those, and it occurred to me that maybe I should pay more attention to the Tel Aviv hotline in my kitchen. You never know, I never been to Syria so here's my chance, I hear the nightlife in Damascus is pretty lively, especially when you have F16's flying overhead. So this morning I was flicking through the medical dictionary looking for something that could afflict me at short notice should I get the call. I did the Ebola thing last time so I need something new, maybe a touch of TB will go down well, nobody would be too surprised with some of the people we get at the hospital, and I'm referring to the staff!
At the hospital it's all very quiet, and that worries me. Even Big Ears is playing the game and behaving himself, although that might have something to do with him being tied up and gagged, something it looks like he quite enjoys actually. We even get away with showing episodes of Eastenders instead of Coronation Street but that's only because someone realised Big Ears has a thing for Dot Cotton, well at least she's female...I think...might be a bloke playing a woman I don't know.
One big piece of news is that Bananaman has been released. With his interest in railways we managed to get him some care in the community and some company that has something to do with trains has taken him on at one of their locations. I would like to say I had something to do with it, I have connections everywhere, but in this case it was one of the quacks, the same one who treats that bloke with variable bad back.
Anyway my watch is vibrating which means I have a high level call coming in, could this be the moment I've been waiting for.

Shalom

Go Get 'em
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Action Man
It's all happening down in the Homeland, see we've taken out a few more of those Arabs, that'll teach 'em to nick one of our soldiers. Of course I have experience of being captured back in the 60's when my one man assault on Egypt was halted when I stopped off at a Bakers near Cairo to get some Bagels. Bastards didn't have any so I kicked up a bit rough, by the time I left my tank had been clamped and the Egyptian Old Bill were already there. Still the whole thing led to The Great Escape which as you know by now Hollywood remade and turned into a second world war thing, never want to give us Jews any credit that lot.
The Hospital is surprisingly quiet, probably because everyone's watching the Tennis at Wimbledon although it's been banned from the Psycho ward. Apparently the sight of all those players bending over sent Big Ears into a state of delirium...god knows what would have happened if he'd been allowed to watch the women. Now despite all my sporting prowess, I never really got into Tennis, we did try and set up a court in our back yard in Cricklewood when I was a kid, but have you ever tried to play Tennis while wearing skis, f***ing hard I can tell you.
Not much else going on to tell the truth, the Gimp mask is doing its job wonderfully, and I must admit I'm quite enjoying myself up there now. I am getting plenty of chance to catch up on my reading material, I haven't been able to fully read "Mossad Monthly" and "Women's Own" for ages because I've been so busy, so I sit there in my chair just passing the day away, all I really do now is hose down the sheets in the morning, take regular fag breaks, and read. One bonus of fitting Big ears with the Gimp mask is that he can't smoke anymore, such a pity eh. Also I heard that my wallscaling gear should be back from the calibration people later this week so I can start doing covert operations at weekends again, it's all coming together quite nicely don't you think.

Shalom

I'm an idiot
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Who killed Bambi
Well yesterday was rounded off by me making a bloody fool of myself, which is a rarity it must be said.
I made the blunder I joked about...yep I forgot where I hid my trolley, and it was so well hidden it was dark before I found it. To cut a long story fairly short, after work yesterday I cycled off home to get one of my spare and highly secretive Mossad tracking device things to attach to the trolley. Well I decided to go back to the Hospital and attach it while the location of the thing was still fresh in my mind, however I got distracted by another bright idea of mine. As you know I am being driven up the wall by the antics of big ears in the psycho ward, so as I cycled back to the Hospital I decided to stop by Madam Sue's bondage emporium for some supplies. The thing I was looking for was a Gimp mask, now I must stress I know nothing about this sort of stuff, but I remember seeing one on the Internet. Anyway Madam Sue was helpful as always and pointed me in the right direction, and while I was there I decided to stock up on a few whips and chains, well you never know when you might get to torture someone for some highly sensitive information.
Having paid for all the stuff on my Bank Of Israel credit card, I continued on my way to the Hospital. Chaining my bike to the railings I set off into the Hospital grounds as I thought I'd get the device on the trolley first before I took the gimp mask up to the ward. Now it was getting dark, and my training had always told me that I should make sure my face had some of that camouflage cream on it. Not sure why we use it, but it makes us secret agents look tough. As I had none of it on me I thought I'd give the gimp mask a shot, does the same job essentially. So there I was staggering around the hospital grounds, looking for my trolley when much to my horror I got caught by security. I must have looked a bit of a sight in my outfit and they thought I was a rapist or something. Anyway once the police arrived, one flash of the mysterious ID card with the Star Of David on it was enough to halt all further questioning and I was allowed on my way. I found my trolley and have now tagged it, plus today I put the gimp mask on Big Ears and all is quiet. For some reason he kept screaming "Tony Tony, yes, yes" while I put the mask on him, seems just like me he is a Tony Blackburn fan and he must have been enjoying his show on the Hospital radio.
Of course those loudmouths in Security have been spreading round rumours that I'm some sort of bondage freak, and my masculinity is being called into question, all I will say that come judgement day they'll be among the first I'm dealing with.

Shalom

Psycho
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: My Little Pony
Grrrrr, I really do hate Mondays, just like that song by Israeli Folk singer Moshe Rubenstein. Of course it was shamelessly ripped off by some group in the UK, and I think even Engelbert did a cover version...or was it Rolf Harris...I can't remember.
Anyway as I told you, the Duty Trolley manager has seconded me to the Psycho ward for the week. He has decided that the ward needs a dedicated trolley pusher while we have that f***ing idiot from the Kent NHS trust staying with us, even though the psychos don't normally get wheeled around as a rule. I also think there is some petty revenge in his decision, last week I parked my trolley in his parking space while I went down into the basement to try out my Night Vision goggles, and he got a bit pissed off. Still the goggles work great so I can't complain. What has really annoyed me is the jobs I'm being given to do to pass the time. So far today I've had to hose down the plastic sheets we're putting on the idiot's bed, watch three episodes of Coronation Street (Actually so we don't have to screen the episodes we now show the same one with Reg Holdsworth over and over again, he hasn't noticed), and stand guard over the small collection of Barbie Dolls that are used by some of the shrinks in their role playing exercises. One of the nurses thinks big ears has been trying to rape them. On top of that, it turns out that he smokes and he has been following me downstairs on my fag breaks. The other guys are finding it all highly amusing, but if this job isn't shared around I'll be speaking to the Union about it.
I'm also worried about my trolley. As you know we are supposed to share trolleys now, but I don't want anyone to get hold of my customised one. Who knows what would happen if they started playing with my Uzi in Outpatients. So I sneaked it into the Hospital grounds and draped some Israeli Army camouflage netting over it so it can't be seen. That stuff is pretty good blends in very naturally, I'm pretty sure I can remember where I parked it but I think I'll stick some sort of tracking device on it just in case, I'd look bloody stupid if I couldn't find it at the end of the week.
OK, well I'd better be going, Big ears is due to wake up from his afternoon nap soon, so I'll probably have some more sheets to hose down before I can leave here today, I'm just praying I don't have to watch that episode of Coronation Street again.

Shalom

A conversation with Councillor Liebeman
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Mousetrap
Just a quickie today as I'm settling in to watch England get knocked out by Ecuador. I've got my Guinea Pig on the grill so I'm all set.
Had a short chat with Councillor Liebeman about the Benny situation. Apparently Benny was given his first chance to work undercover and get some much needed intelligence about the people he has now got involved with. I suppose the Councillor was looking at it from the point of view of a tax dodge or something but that's a different story. Anyway it seemed Benny committed the cardinal sin of any covert operative and turned native. I did point out that as I wrote the Mossad manual on covert operations he should have asked me to do it. He didn't seem to agree with me, said something about mistakes at airports whatever that might mean. I've now been given the job though of getting Benny out of the mess he has got in, so I not only have to extricate him somehow, but I have to get him right in the head too. No problem there, I am the master of psychological warfare, once I get going nobody can avoid my voice. I've been told that some of the equipment I need to do this job should be back from calibration this week. You see I'm such a perfectionist that I make sure all my stuff meets ISO standards, wouldn't want that rope to break while climbing a wall.
Still, it gives me something to look forward to, especially as the Duty Trolley Manager has told me I've been seconded to the Psycho ward this week, bloody big eared git, I'm not even there yet and he's ruining my life.

Shalom

Saturday shambles
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Tiddlywinks
Ahh Saturday at last, the chance for a well earned rest and an entertaining trip to the Synagogue. With Rabbi Goldberg coming back from his holidays next week, this was the last chance to see the stand in bloke - Rabbi Bin Laden. He has certainly brought in the crowds with his open door policy, but I doubt if many of them will stay on, mainly because they're not Jewish. As I mentioned last week, Rabbi Bin Laden is not your regular Rabbi. He doesn't wear a skull cap like the rest of us, and insists on keeping his tatty camouflage jacket on while he rants on about the USA. I am a bit disappointed in his choice of weapon though, an AK47, that's for girls in my opinion, should be using an Uzi, now there's a mans gun. Anyway I digress, this weeks sermon was about the evils of America once again, I don't know what this geezer has against the Yanks, I've always found them OK. He then rounded it all off by telling everyone that he'd managed to get hold of some discounted copies of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2004, and if anyone was interested to see him afterwards. He also mentioned some cheapo flying lessons so I took a look at the leaflet he was dishing out. The lessons were cheap alright, but they only mention how to fly the plane after it's in flight, nothing about landing it or getting it off the ground. Anyway I'm already a qualified pilot so I'm not too bothered, but there did seem to be quite a mob who were asking about it, not synagogue regulars by the look of it.
No sign of Benny today which was a bit of a disappointment as I'd been planning on speaking to him. Looks like I'm going to have to get in touch with him the hard way so I'll be checking out my black outfit when I get home. Councillor Liebeman also expressed his concern and is a bit miffed that I haven't been in touch with Benny yet. Doing something undercover requires careful planning though, and I'm not sure the Councillor is aware of all the extra building work that Benny has recently had done. I did ask him if Benny had applied for any planning permission recently, but he didn't know off the top of his head. I'll be pretty pissed off if Benny got permission, after all there's no difference to what Benny has had done and the anti tank ditch I wanted to build, or was it the guard tower...I can't remember now I lead such a hectic life.
Anyway I have stuff to check out, plus I need to chase up that mob about my wall scaling gear, I sent it off for calibration weeks ago and still no sign of it. It's holding up clandestine operations now.

Shalom

Friday Fumblings
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Operation
Thank god it's Friday, this week has been extremely slow all round. The Hospital has been dead quiet and I'm steering clear of the Psycho ward because of that new guy. They actually have a staffing crisis up there at the moment because a lot of the staff have gone sick, and are so desperate that they asked me if I'd do a bit of overtime this weekend as I have medical experience. I decided against it as I'm likely to end the weekend by taking the big eared git out. Then again maybe that's what they want me to do. He's costing us a fortune in Romper suits, and he's even wearing out the plastic sheets. Yesterday while out on a fag break I spotted a big van with Matey written on the side arrive and drop off a few boxes, then there were all the Coronation Street videos, somebody has been told to sift through them and only send the ones with Reg Holdsworth in up to the ward. If he's not in the episodes apparently Dumbo goes mad, bursts out crying and calls out for his mum. Now we know why that other place was so keen to get rid of him.
Meanwhile down in casualty they were clearing up after a gangload of spaced out hippies went berserk because they missed the Summer solstice as they were on an LSD trip or something. I'm not too convinced that was the case though, looking in their VW camper that was left in the car park there seemed to be a large number of KFC boxes, looks like they overdosed on the new spicy chicken wings.
I'm actually looking forward to Synagogue tomorrow, and no there's not another Bagel Bake thing going on. Rabbi Bin Laden has really added a new dimension to the whole worshipping thing, he includes such trendy new phrases such as "Death To America" in his sermons. Now whilst I'm no scholar, my intense studies of the Torah, or whatever that thing the Rabbi reads out of is called, doesn't actually mention America at all. He must be using the updated version. Anyway I really like his idea of setting up bomb making classes for the over 60's, and Chemical Warfare for beginners. It's a pity Rabbi Goldberg is coming back next week, I'm sure it'll be back to all that religious claptrap when he returns, and that is so boring.
I'm hoping that Benny is there tomorrow so I can get a chance to speak to him, been trying his phone but it isn't working. When I tapped up a mate of mine who works for BT he said that Benny had recently applied to have his number transferred to an exchange in Berlin. F***ing hell Benny, means I'll have to dial long distance whenever I call him now, inconsiderate bastard. I decided against going round to see him last night as my wall scaling gear is out for calibration and not available.
OK, got to go and drop my skull cap off at the cleaners.

Shalom

Special projects
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Battling Tops
Strange day yesterday, dead quiet at work, I now have no interest in the World Cup so even the TV is out of bounds, and of course I popped round to see how Benny is getting on.
The first thing that struck me yesterday was the change in the appearance of Benny's house. For years it has looked like any other suburban two up two down or whatever you describe them as. You know the thing, small garden front and back. Well as I approached it yesterday a couple of things hit me. Firstly he has erected a flag pole in his front garden, and there is an old flag flying from it. There was no wind yesterday but it looked like it was red, white and black in colour, couldn't really make out the symbol. I made a mental note to ask Councillor Liebeman if Benny had got planning permission for that. There was also some bloke standing to attention by the front door, all dressed in brown he was, seemed most upset by my turning up, told me I could only use the back door. Now to get into Benny's from the back is a pain in the arse, but I figured I didn't want to cause a scene as my visit was to be low key so off I yomped to the back of the house. I don't know what building company he's been using but I want to know, obviously not the usual workshy layabouts you normally get. When I got there his back wall which had only been 5ft tall and therefore quite easy to get over has been doubled in height and has barbed wire on top of it to boot. I guess Benny has been having trouble with Graffiti vandals or something. Anyway as I didn't take my wall scaling gear I decided to give seeing Benny a miss, I'll try again today and this time I'll go properly equipped if you know what I mean.
OK back to the grindstone

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Battleships
Just a short update today, I have some business to attend to later on which requires some preparation, at the moment the nature of this business is classified, but suffice to say it is the result of a conversation I had with Councillor Liebeman. The conversation revolved around Benny's current activities, and I must admit it certainly raised my eyebrows. The Councillor is a shrewd git so he must know what he's doing.
Anyway I'm also a bit deflated by Trinidad and Tobago's sorry showing in the World Cup which means my shekels have gone to waste. I am extremely disappointed by their display, and I have a job lot of Pineapples and Caribbean themed stuff to get rid of. The Dustmen won't take most if it so it'll probably end up in the Hospital's Skip. Going to be tricky getting it all there on the Bike but I'm nothing if not creative, if there is one thing I'm not lacking it is an imagination.
Talking of the Hospital I'm staying well away from the Psycho ward, especially since I heard that the nurse who I shared my fag breaks with has gone sick with a nervous breakdown. From what I gather he's not the only one suffering because of our big eared guest, and the demands that Hospital management do something about him are growing every day. As killing him is classified as illegal - as well as unethical - I don't know what they can do. I bet all the quacks wished they hadn't taken that stupid oath now.
Anyway have to cut this short, I have to pop round and visit Benny as part of my new assignment, and it's not something I'm looking forward to. Can't tell you any more than that but I'm sure I'll be allowed to share it with you in the not too distant future.

Shalom

I'm having nightmares
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Mr Benn
Oh my god, I had a crappy night's sleep, and it's all down to the horrible sight in the psycho ward. All through the night every time I closed my eyes there they were, those f***ing great ears, that pathetic excuse for a beard, and the words Geezer Geezer repeating over and over again. I have been captured on more than one occasion and exposed to some forms of psychological torture but this is the worst I have ever encountered. If only I had the strength to smuggle him to Tel Aviv, we'd soon get the Arabs to crack.
With all this in mind I've managed to hide myself away whenever a call has come down from the Psycho ward for any assistance so one of the other blokes has to go up there and deal with it. Everyone who goes up there seems to come back a little different, it's as if we're all part of a great experiment. It's even stressing out the nurses. During one of my many fag breaks yesterday I was chatting to that male nurse from the psycho ward. he is a shadow of his former self, shaking almost emotionally drained and it's all down to this one patient. I discovered that the new arrival was originally scheduled for some Ear lobe reduction surgery a few weeks back, but they'd had trouble finding the right equipment, and a surgeon willing to do it. During the wait some bright spark decided that he was a "few trains short of service" as we used to say in my undercover days and put him in the psycho system. It's been downhill all the way from there.
Still at least I have the consolation of watching Trinidad progress to the next stage of the World Cup today. I might even go and place a bet on the game as Mossad intelligence has told me Pele is going to be playing up front for them. I thought he had retired but according to the report I've read Pele has all the qualities needed to ensure success in the game. Basically in a team full of black players nobody is going to notice if they slip a new bloke into the team as they all look the same anyway. By the way that is not my opinion, merely the view of the intelligence officer writing the report. Personally I think that particular way of looking at it is flawed and outdated.
It is though something Benny might go along with as he descends into what I regard as lunacy. He has had the sunroof taken out of his Trabant, and had a turret fitted instead, I got a call from his mum last night saying she was getting very worried about him. Last night she was woken up at 2am by the Police knocking on her door. Benny was with them and apparently he had been arrested for making a nuisance of himself by driving around the streets of Kennington with Deutschland Uber Alles blaring out of his car stereo. They were going to let him off with a caution as they'd confiscated the tape. Benny swore blind that it was German Rap music. I think the time is coming when I'll have to take him by the scruff of his neck.

Shalom

I don't like Mondays
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Buckaroo
Well here I am on a Monday morning wondering what I'm going to talk about today. It's really quiet at the Hospital, quiet in the homeland, and even quieter in Tooting.
Still all this silence means that I got a chance to pop up to the psycho ward and see the new admission. Actually I was lucky enough to be given an errand to run that involved going up there. A mystery package arrived, at first we thought it was a bomb, but after I noticed there were no red and blue wires in it, as I'm a former intelligence officer, I was given the job of working out who it belonged to. Well the extra large Romper suit, the gloves tied together with string so they don't get lost, and the semi naked pictures of Reg Holdsworth from Coronation Street gave me some clues. Our new boy has screamed out the name of Reg on more than one occasion so it had to be his. Getting up to the ward I approached my cigarette smoking mate, and asked him to point out the bloke who is causing in the grief. As soon as he pointed him out, I recoiled in horror, even more so than the first time I fired an Uzi when I was 4 years old. He is once again someone with whom I am vaguely familiar, there can't be many people with Ears as big as he's got. I didn't want to pursue the matter any further and pressed the package into the nurse's arms, made my excuses and left.
We all have a Nemesis (bet you lot think I don't know what that means, it's a crummy Star Trek film and yes I did buy the DVD), and while for many years his name was Yassar, toward the end of my undercover time on the Underground network his name was - censored for security reasons. Anyway I'm going to do more investigating before I confront him, accuracy and attention to detail have always been my watchwords.
Being the social climber that I am, I've been watching a lot of the World Cup on TV, and today I'm really looking forward to seeing my original country of birth - Switzerland - destroy those witch doctor lovers from Togo. Being multi lingual - as well as Jewish - I'll be able to scream insults at the TV in both Swiss, and some African language that I make up as I go along.

Shalom

Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Solitaire
Just a short one today, I'm feeling exceptionally lazy, in fact my mood reminds me of those heady days when I was working undercover on an Underground network in London. Those were the days, Wine, women, song, and just the occasional bit of work to distract me whenever I felt like it. Unlike now where I work so hard I'm changing the wheels on my trolley all the time because they've worn down to the metal after just three weeks of use. OK, that might be a rare piece of exaggeration from me but you get the drift.
Synagogue yesterday was a weird experience. The stand in Rabbi seems to have a very relaxed attitude to who can attend. Rabbi Goldberg has a very strict rule about who can attend, and that is you have to be Jewish. Rabbi Bin Laden is my sort of guy, he opens the door to everyone, and instead of one of those poles or whatever some of these religious types wave around, he waves an AK47. Yesterday for instance we even had some Arab looking types in there. Benny was there too with some of his new found friends, they stood out a bit as they were all wearing brown. One of them looked like that candidate from the recent election, and it looked like Councillor Liebeman was quite upset he was there. I suppose their insistence of singing in German, and some references to crystal or something didn't help. I didn't speak to Benny though, he seems to be really losing the plot a bit.
I'm looking forward to work tomorrow for a change as I have a bit of a free role so should be able to get up to the Psycho ward and take a look at the bloke who is causing all sorts of problems up there. I'll give him a bit of old fashioned Mossad style discipline if he gets out of his pram with me.
I'm still enjoying the World Cup, did you see what that bunch of cleaners did to the Czech mob? I particularly enjoyed one of the cleaners playing tribute to my little jaunt of 1966 and waving an Israeli flag around after the second goal and after the game. My influence is everywhere obviously.
OK, going to sit back and watch some more football, I don't watch it on BBC or ITV though. Jerusalem TV does for me.

Shalom