I sleep all night and I work all day
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Stylophone
Should have gone back to work today, but seeing as I can have a whole week off without going to see the quack I thought I'd play the system a little, well everyone else does, don't see why I shouldn't.
Spent yesterday evening round at Councillor Liebeman's place. It seems all talk of the Danny La Rue thing has subsided in recent weeks, that's probably because the homeland is under threat and this is no time for jollity. We discussed my latest mission which he bluntly told me was not regarded by the powers that be in Tel Aviv as a total success. The politicians at home are doing their utmost to prove to the world that they are not bombing Lebanon because I had a dodgy kebab one night after a heavy drinking session, but instead is the result of the actions of a notorious terrorist organisation. Luckily for me the names of the Kebab house and the terrorist group are similar enough for that story to stick. Still I've been told that if I don't buck my ideas up, they'll be no profit related pay for me this year. I can't say I'm too bothered by that, I signed up for that Mossad scheme years ago and haven't seen as much as half a dinari.
So I was feeling a bit pissed off after I left there, I seriously considered seeing if I could break into Benny's, I had a box of Milk Tray in my saddlebag which I had to get rid of, but in the end I just went on home to brood and play with some of my gadgets which I keep stored in the boot of the fastest VW in the west. Today I think I'll just lounge about and see what comes up.

Shalom

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Bassoon
Well I'm back from a very interesting mission. I like these exciting times, gunfire in the streets, explosions, the sight of people cowering as they move from one building to another...but enough about Harlesden on a Saturday night...you no doubt want to know what I've been up to since my abrupt departure.
Well unfortunately the weather was against me a little, and my hang glider took a bit longer than expected to get going, in fact despite my best efforts I only got as far as Eastbourne before I came crashing to the ground. Mind you Eastbourne has many similarities to Beirut, at least if my memory serves me correctly. You know I parked my bike in Eastbourne once and some git nicked the front wheel, exactly the same as happened when I led the Israeli Army cycling paratroopers in a cross border sortie. Mind you they did rig up a booby trap to the bike so nobody could take the frame so I guess that makes the Lebanese more considerate. All I will say is that it is lucky I'm not colour blind.
Anyway as I couldn't make it all the way there my role had to change, and after discussion with the High Command it was decided that with my intimate knowledge of Tooting - which has a similar street layout to Beirut I'd be the ideal man to direct the shellfire. So armed with a 1960's copy of a London A-Z I've been directing operations and I must admit I have let personal feelings influence my decisions. There used to be an old Kebab shop just off Tooting High Road called HisBollers or something, must have been what they made the Kebabs of, I spent a night talking into the porcelain telephone after eating there. So whenever I gave out a map reference I would shout HisBollers! Now it seems the Israeli Government have taken it to heart and claim they are directing operations against HisBollers. I feel really sorry for the guy in a way, one dodgy kebab and he is regarded as a terrorist. Mind you what sort of message is that sending anyone who gives Jews food poisoning, it'll certainly step up the cleanliness of restaurants in Golders Green I can tell you.
OK, well better get going, I have a debriefing with Councillor Liebeman to go through.

Shalom

The next update is scheduled for Thursday 20th July 2006 when I get back from my latest mission.

Shalom

MM

and Hang Around in Bars!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Church Organ
Well Mossad fans, yesterday was a day of drama and excitement for yours truly.
Just after I finished typing my last entry, and was looking everywhere for a coin to toss, I felt something vibrating in the seat of my trousers. My first thought was that the Chicken Curry Bagel I'd got from the local Indian on Friday night was still making its presence felt, but after a couple of seconds I realised that the regular vibration was my secret Mossad message watch which I'd put up my backside for safekeeping, well technology like that is beyond ordinary western scientists and we don't want it to fall into the wrong hands, just like cameras in phones which are unique to Mossad. After cursing myself for skimping a bit on the Vaseline...OK I used Flora, it's cheaper, I managed to answer the damn thing. Turns out the powers that be in Tel Aviv want to fly me out to Lebanon for a couple of days and teach our boys how to shoot straight and maybe carry out a little covert mission. Of course I jumped at the chance so as soon as I finish this I'll be off to catch a private hang glider to whisk me down to the Homeland.
This meant of course that I had to speak to Councillor Liebeman as opposed to Benny to let him know what was going on, so it was to the Synagogue rather than the launch of the Auschwitz collection that I cycled to. In a way I was quite relieved as I'd been worried about chaining the bike up in Greenwich, well dodgy down there I'm told.
Anyway the upshot of all this is that you won't be hearing from me for a couple of days as I carry out my latest orders from the High Command. Normally I'd pass the baton onto Benny, but he is so preoccupied at the moment that I'm worried about what he will write. So you won't hear from me again until Thursday (That's classified by the way so don't tell anyone)unless of course some Arab gets a lucky shot and shoots down my Hang Glider in which case I won't be back at all.

Shalom

I put on Women's Clothing
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: The Clarinet
Well seems they've found a couple of the stolen soldiers, although they've turned up in the not very desirable position of being dead! Anyway the Israeli High Command is still looking for the other two, so as Shaw Taylor or whatever his name on that programme you could grass criminals up on used to say...Keep'em peeled...hold it...that was another Taylor referring to the Lemons in his drinks.
Not really sure what my plans are today, I can either go to Benny's little event in Greenwich, or head off like a good Jew to the Synagogue. I'll be tossing a dinari to make my decision shortly. Benny's event does have the added attraction of possibly bumping into a couple of supermodels, apparently they have asked for the skinniest models the agency could find, sadly my recommendations - Karen Carpenter and Bobby Sands - can't make it on the grounds that they starved themselves to death years ago. I really should make more of an effort to keep my little black book up to date.
Rumours abound that the Football season starts again soon and I can't wait to get back to cheering on Fulham/Chelsea once again. I wonder if Bobby Moore is still their Captain and George Best is still playing the lone striker role up front. I'll have to ring Kirk (Douglas) and find out, he's much more up to speed on this sort of thing than me, but of course with all the little wars and political scandals going on in the world, I have other things to occupy my mighty mind. As they said when I entered the Mossad academy, once a secret agent always a secret agent, and you are never allowed to take your finger off of the world's pulse for a second.
OK, time to dig around under the couch and see if I can find any coins, I know I have some in my Piggy Bank, but I'd hate to break it open just for this, the thing cost me a fiver in Woolworth's and I'll be buggered if I'm going to fork out for another one.

Shalom

I like to press Wild Flowers
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Oboe
Well had no luck yesterday looking for Israeli soldiers in the Hospital bins. In fact the whole thing was a pretty unpleasant experience as it looks like since I left the psycho ward, nobody has been hosing down the rubber sheets fitted onto a certain persons bed, there was quite a few of them in there, almost made me long for the days of my Mossad survival training when we had to get by for a week on nothing but Elephant Dung...or was that when I was working undercover on a certain railway...can't remember.
Anyway no joy yesterday, and it looks like they really are having no luck finding them, still...it gives them an excuse to bomb the hell out of another bunch of Arabs so it can't be all bad. While I'm on the subject, the Israeli High Command have reminded me that it is not necessary to search all over London, getting reports from places like Stamford Hill and Golders Green only confuses things and makes work for me as I'd have to spend the weekend checking them out. Also those of you claiming to have seen the missing soldiers playing for England in Germany are also wide of the mark. Now admittedly Israeli Soldiers aren't that good at Football and that would explain some of the performances, however the Soldiers didn't get stolen until after England had actually been knocked out.
Spoke to Benny again last night, he still wants to know if I'll be going to the launch of the Auschwitz Collection in Greenwich tomorrow. Still can't give him an answer, first of all it clashes with Synagogue, also I may be hunting down any leads we get about the missing Soldiers. If you have any leads for me to follow up, don't forget to let me know by either e-mailing me or by leaving a message in the Guestbook, look for the links on the left hand of the page.

Shalom

I skip and Jump
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Violin
There I was last night dozing in my chair, when I felt something vibrating in my trouser pocket. No I hadn't been back to Madam Sue's Bondage Emporium, but I'd put my secret Mossad message watch in my pocket when I was washing my hands and forgot to put it back on.
Looking at the watch, a message went across the display, the gist of which I've been asked to pass on to all the great unwashed who read this thing.

To Agent: CENSORED

As you may be aware someone has taken to stealing Israeli Soldiers, obviously in an effort to build a mighty Army of highly skilled Arab beaters of their own. Now the High Command are pretty upset about this, it costs money to train these people and we don't like wasting the taxpayers shekels. So while we continue to look for these men and get them back, we thought we'd ask you - and the readers of your esteemed daily journal - to make sure that they haven't been smuggled to the UK in the latest batch of illegal immigrants which our intelligence suggests is a daily event there.
What we would like you to do is check your garden sheds, wheelie bins, under your floorboards, anywhere where you might think these people would hide an Israeli Soldier, and if you find one, stick him in a box and send him back to us in Tel Aviv. We are not responsible for shipping and handling expenses, so consider your shipping method carefully.
Many Thanks

Israeli Army High Command

Well I'm going to do my bit today by checking all the bins at work, nobody will find that unusual as me rummaging around for anything useful in the bins is a common sight at the Hospital. Also let me pass on this tip, the buggers who have nicked these soldiers may have subjected them to plastic Surgery so they may not even look Jewish anymore, so if you see someone looking distressed as they can't find a Bagel shop on the Edgware Road, the chances are you've found one of our men.

Happy hunting

Shalom

I cut down Trees
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Trumpet
Nothing very dramatic going on, although I did notice that a couple more Israeli soldiers got nicked by some thieving Arabs. Why do they have to steal our troops, don't they have any of their own? Also what's going on over there, wouldn't have happened in my day, the bloody homeland are knocking out some real duds these days. Maybe I should give up work here at the Hospital and go back and give them some much needed training, the standards of Hava Nagida in particular have fallen alarmingly.
Then I notice all these explosions on the trains in India, now I know the f***ing things are crowded, but surely there are better ways of creating a little space for yourself then blowing the bloody things up? Of course now the f***ing moron has blown himself up he doesn't get the benefit of the nice shiny new carriages that Indian Railways are going to have to buy to replace them, defeats the object if you ask me.
Anyway got a surprise phone call last night from a certain Mr Slibowitz. Yep that's right Benny has been in touch. He sounded quite pleased with himself, and it turns out that his 'Auschwitz Collection' is going to be shown off this coming weekend. He did want to do the show at the Synagogue, but Rabbi Goldberg commented that some people might find it a little offensive, so he was forced to find another venue. So on Saturday they've found a nice disused building in Greenwich which was built at great expense but hardly ever used, and will hold it there. He said one great thing about his collection was that finding Models to show it off was no great problem. The whole collection has been designed with the slimmer figure in mind, and everyone knows Models like to watch their weight. If the show is a success then they are planning to do a European launch later this year, a venue not far from Munich is currently being considered. He has invited me along on Saturday, and he knows he has some explaining to do. I'll give it some thought.
OK, well Rubbish waits for no man, and one of the bins is almost full, just got time to have a little rummage around before I put it out.

Shalom

I sleep all night and I work all day
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Piano
You know you can learn a lot about people by their rubbish, and the same is true about Hospitals too. Now before I go too far here, what I see at this place is nothing to when I was working in an Israeli Army MASH unit, that was in between the time I was working for the Bagel Bake and joining Mossad. The MASH unit was a pain in the arse, every Saturday we had to erect a special tent to be used as a Synagogue. The problem was that MASH tents have big red crosses on them, and the Army Rabbi said that they were definite no-no's for religious events. So we'd be kicked out of bed on a Saturday morning and erect a special tent with a picture of a Menorah (I think that's what they were called) on it. Now correct me if I'm wrong but us Jews ain't supposed to work on Saturdays, but apparently the Rabbi made special dispensation for us. You know what? Every single Saturday that place would be attacked by some mad Arab who thought it was a Mossad field unit. It was great fun in a way, look at all the Arabs I took out with a single shot, but still a pain.
Anyway back to the Hospital rubbish, apart from the usual soiled sheets (mainly from the psycho ward at the moment), and amputated limbs that are normally tossed in the bins, yesterday I came across three brand new laptops, a MRI scanner, and a Surgeon who it turns out had been in there all night, well the cost of living is bloody expensive in London you know. Just imagine the amount of money wasted there! I mean can't they at least have washed the sheets! Typical NHS that's all I'll say, the quicker they get some Jewish bean counters running the place the better. You'll have to use the sheets more than once I bet. As for the laptops...well there's a nice computer place down the Tottenham Court Road run by one of our Synagogue regulars, he does all right out of the Hospital...say no more.

Shalom

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: The Triangle
Did you see the World Cup Final yesterday? I didn't as there was no real interest in it for me, as far as I'm aware there were no Jewish players out there last night. Still the next one will be different, for if Trinidad and Tobago can get away with it, so can Switzerland and Israel, and I'm hoping that delicate negotiations - currently taking place in my apartment overlooking Lake Geneva - between representatives of the two countries come to an agreement that will see them join up for the next tournament.
Yesterday was a day where I had trouble getting hold of people, Rabbi Goldberg was unavailable all day, his wife told me he was judging at London's best Bagel competition although I know that is a brazen lie, that normally takes place at Yom Kippur and is widely advertised beforehand. Councillor Liebeman was also unavailable, in his case though it is fully understandable, he has certain links in the homeland which take up a lot of his time. I would call Benny, but since he changed his number to a Berlin one I'm too tight fisted to call him, I'm not paying the bloody prices BT want to make a short call there. So the mystery of Benny's reappearance at the Synagogue will remain that until I can pin down these people.
I had to see the Duty Trolley Manager when I got in this morning, he said that he'd received some complaints from the Psycho ward about my handling of that big eared git the other week. As a result I'm not welcome up there at the moment, and I'm now in charge of wheelie bins for the week instead of my normal excellent trolley pushing duties. I don't really mind, wheeling the bins out gives me lots of chances for a fag break, plus you'd be amazed at what the hospital chucks out. A few months ago I find an anti-tank missile launcher underneath some of the dirty sheets they were throwing away, in pretty good nick it was too. It now takes pride of place on my garage wall. However I did see one of my Muslim colleagues delving around the bins later on and he seemed to be pretty agitated, probably dropped a 50p piece in the bin is my guess.

Shalom

and have buttered Scones for Tea!
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Guitar
Slept a bit better last night as Moshe didn't come to me in a dream, but he probably had a day off because it was Sabbath, I'll find out tonight. I have been doing some research though and trawled through the massive Mossad information database for anything I could find out about Blokhin, Preppin, and Shun-Tin. Turns out Blokhin was the coach of the Ukranian team in this years world cup, I think they were in Israel's qualifying group so effectively knocked us out, I'm probably pretty pissed off with the Ukraine as they did the same to Switzerland in the tournament itself. As for Preppin, there was nothing, and admittedly we don't know much about China so Shun-Tin remains a mystery too. The thing about The Cabin made a little more sense though, I remember a grim smokey place during my days working within the Underground in London that was full of some weird and wonderful creatures, I thought that it had gone following a smoking ban that the Health and Safety creeps brought in.
I did mention this to Councillor Liebeman at Synagogue yesterday and he thinks I should go and see Mossad's shrink, located in Stamford Hill just behind the Safeways there. He is under the impression that I may be receiving warnings from the one eyed wonder from beyond the grave, and it may be interesting to see what it all means. As a result I have now been excused Danny La Rue rehearsals for the foreseeable future. I didn't mention the dodgy chocolate.
A strange sight at Synagogue was Benny who showed up quite unexpectedly, but he kept himself to himself and stayed at the back. I did see him in an animated discussion with Rabbi Goldberg which I'd like to know more about. The Rabbi though did a quick disappearing act though as soon as he had finished his sermon, although it was rumoured that the Bagel Bake had knocked out some illegal sabbath Bagels and he wanted to get his hands on them while they were still warm.

Shalom

On Wednesdays I go shopping
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Diamonds are Forever
Well yet another uncomfortable night as once again that one eyed genius Moshe Dyan came into my mind while I was trying to sleep. He was not happy, asking me why I hadn't done Blokhin or Preppin yet, and then saying that as Mossad were short staffed I'd better get my finger out as he had other things he wanted me to do. I was still pondering the Iron bar problem when he came to me again. "I have something else I need you to do" he said "Can you do Shun-Tin?" he asked. Well once again I was in a panic, as a top Mossad operative I was supposed to be aware of all the leading political figures in the world, yet plumbing the depths of my mighty mind I didn't recall anyone in the Chinese Communist party of that name. The blank expression seemed to tell him everything "The Cabin for you then." I woke up in a cold sweat at that point, The Cabin, that name seemed vaguely familiar, and not just as the Newsagents in Coronation Street. But where had I heard it, if it had been a Mossad punishment thing I'm sure I'd have remembered it. This is going to bother me all day, it's like having nightmares all the time. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that Milk Tray which I managed to purloin from that dodgy batch the Councillor took back the other day.
I haven't been to the Synagogue yet as I'm trying to get all of this straight in my mind. What does it all mean, why Moshe Dyan, why all these strange references to Russian and Chinese characters. Maybe I need to see a shrink, there are plenty of them at the Hospital who'll happily see me for free, I've heard more than one of them say he'd find me an interesting chat, but of course when you've done as much as I have in life you have plenty to say for yourself.
OK, time to dust off the skullcap and take the plunge to Synagogue.

Shalom

I go to the Lavatreeee!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Fantasy Foot ball
Bad dream last night so I didn't sleep too well. I imagined that I'd been summoned by the man himself - The one and only Moshe Dyan - and given a special task. He handed me an iron bar and told me to get Blokhin and Preppin. I had no idea who they were, but I assumed that they were a couple of Russian players who might jeopardise Israeli hopes in the next world cup. I was though in a state of confusion, the Mossad assassination manual had never mentioned how to kill with an iron bar, so I approached the great man himself and asked him what do I do with this iron bar. He looked stunned "After all this time you do not know what to do?" , he laughed "Under a train you will soon learn" and with that it came to me. I was to travel to Moscow, wait until Blokhin and Preppin were standing on a Moscow Metro platform, then nudge them on the back with the Iron bar as a train pulled into the platform, forcing them onto the track. It was pure genius. But then the fears came, how was I going to carry the bar on as hand luggage, and wouldn't it stand out a bit on the platform? I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning with the problem of carrying out this task unseen, and it still never came to me. It's still troubling me now. This could be a long weekend coming up.
So today I'm in a bit of a daze, and walking around looking pretty clueless, took someone to the morgue instead of X-Ray, that gave them a bit of a shock I can tell you, even absent mindedly left my trolley round by the bins while I had a fag break, and it almost got taken by the dozy dustmen. I'd better be careful while skiing home today that's all I know.
Anyway at least I've got time to ponder the problem, and I may even ask Councillor Liebeman for some advice at Synagogue tomorrow.

Shalom

I eat my Lunch
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Battleships
Haven't got much to say for myself today, with no covert operations to undertake until we come up with a new plan, life is in a rut. I've even bought a paper today so I can have an up to date and correct TV guide after all the problems I've had with the cheapo one.
Working down in Casualty is a drag too, as I don't do the night shift as a rule, I don't get to sort out all the drunks etc that roll in once the pubs chuck out, so I don't get the chance to use the ancient art of Hava Nagida as often as I like. My days are currently filled with OAP's who've fallen over in Tesco's, and kids who've managed to insert all sorts of objects up their noses, although in some cases maybe they are practicing for their future careers as drug mules. I do like to talk as you all know full well, but as we are under pressure to meet our target of not keeping anyone waiting for more than 4 hours, the Duty Trolley Manager has banned me from doing that, so like a monk I have to walk around all day in silence. That can't be right though, I'm thinking of getting the Union involved.
Benny has been sighted, according to the latest intelligence report he is now driven around the streets of Stockwell and Kennington in an open top car, and prefers to stand instead of sit. If that's the case maybe I should dig out my sniper gear and take the fool out, a nice head shot would do the trick. However Councillor Liebeman wants him alive for some reason, so that plan is a non starter before it even begins. I would use Hava Nagida on him, but having been associated with Mossad in his time, Benny knows all the moves and how to deflect them, using earplugs is remarkably effective. When I get home tonight I'm going to trawl through some of the mission plans I have developed over the years and see if any of them might be the one. I've written so many that it's hard to keep track of them all.
Anyway got to go, some little brat has just been brought in with a Big Mac stuffed up their nose, I dread to think where he put the Fries.

Shalom

I chop down Trees
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Poker
It was an effort to tap into the keyboard today, I feel so f***ing lazy but then again I suppose that's nothing new.
I got woken up early this morning by Councillor Liebeman who had come round in an unmarked van to take away all the dodgy boxes of Milk Tray we were going to use in Operation Benny. We've now got to work out a new plan, and as it's a covert operation some sort of distraction is necessary. Dropping money over Kennington is out as we're too tight fisted, although maybe I could knock some dodgy stuff up on the computer, or even get hold of some old Italian Lire, the dozy gits won't notice. Thinking about it, it's a pity we didn't use the chocolate as with everyone stuck on the bog, nobody would have been any the wiser to what I was up to, but the Councillor was worried that someone might call up one of those sleazy lawyers you see advertised on Satellite TV, and it might cost him a few shekels.
Talking of the TV, I'm getting seriously concerned about the source of my TV guide. Now I know you get one with the Sunday papers, but hey who wants to buy a paper, I normally stick to The West Bank Times for all of my information. Now I don't know who is getting the TV information for them, but I know one thing, there is no way they work for Mossad, the information is way off the mark. Take last night, I thought I was going to be watching a nice new Asian soap opera called Currynation Street, well once again I was stunned to see it was the same old tired Northern thing going on about Betty's Hotpots. Now I'm getting really concerned about Betty, her pots are always hot, and as a pensioner I don't know how she can justify the cost of electricity or gas to keep them that way, it's f***ing wrong of the writers to be showing a pensioner as so affluent that they can keep their pots hot all day long, no wonder Blair and co don't want to increase pensions if that's the way they think pensioners live.
Anyway I'd better stop ranting otherwise you'll think I don't do anything except watch TV and I'm not really an international man of mystery.

Shalom

and I work all day
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Mousetrap
Well Operation Benny is off. I got a call from Councillor Libeman telling me not to proceed. Glad I got it as otherwise I'd have shelled out for the remote control helicopter for nothing. The reason for the cancellation is all to do with Cadbury's current problems with their chocolate. I think the councillor was worried that there would be some awkward questions if we poisoned half the population of Kennington with dodgy Milk Tray, although as I pointed out to him nobody would notice as Kennington is full of work shy layabouts and criminals, something the Councillor told me I should keep to myself if I was wise.
So I spent another evening in front of the TV instead although I am getting concerned that my cut price TV guide is leading me a bit astray. Once again I thought I was in for a night of good old cockney entertainment, and looking forward to Barbara Windsor singing "Knees Up Mother Brown" in the latest edition of "Songs Of Krays", imagine my shock that it turned out to be some religious claptrap called "Songs of Praise". That was followed by a rather disappointing show, which I thought was going to be a Jewish variety thing. Turns out that "The Jew Man Group" was actually a load of blokes painted blue doing stupid things with paint and pipes etc and they were really called "The Blue Man Group". I'll be complaining to Mr Patel down at the newsagents when I pick up my new guide at the weekend.
At work Casualty was full of the usual suspects as everyone thinks that they'll try their hand at Tennis while Wimbledon is on, problem is that the Tony Blackburn style of backhand is becoming increasingly popular and some people are gripping their Tennis rackets a little too tightly if you ask me, still it makes a change from the usual bottles and vacuum cleaners.

Shalom

I sleep all night
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Noddy in Toyland
God I'm feeling really lazy today, just continuing on from last night really where I didn't bother to go and rescue Benny from his current situation. Flicking around the channels last night I found a couple of programmes that I didn't want to miss, and as my video recorder is set up to record all the latest air strikes from the Gaza strip, I had to stay in and watch them.
The first was a very interesting one about sharks, now for some strange reason I was drawn naturally to this show and learned some stuff about sharks that I didn't know. Did you know they eat people? However I was quite alarmed by some omissions too, at no stage did they mention the ones that lend money to people, from what I read they are the most dangerous sort.
That was followed up by a show about the East End in the 1960's. Now I watched this one to see if I got a mention anywhere, or at least to see if I was in any of the shots with Ronnie and Reggie, after all it was supposed to be about musicians who made their start in East End pubs and as everyone knows Ronnie, Reggie and me were well known in most of the East End boozers. Well either someone didn't do their research or their idea of a pub was different to mine. The programme comprised of nothing but pictures of blokes unloading ships, now I could have sworn the TV guide said the programme was called 'Rockers', but checking another one this morning it seems it was called 'Dockers'. That might explain something I suppose.
I'm back down in Casualty this week and sorted out my trolley this morning which in its week in hiding had become home to a couple of squirrels and a wino who couldn't believe his luck at finding something comfortable to sleep on. I thought about taking them all out with the Uzi, but settled for shooing the Squirrels away and paying off the wino with an out of date fiver I keep for that sole purpose. Had to hose the trolley down afterwards as it smelt a bit odd for which I blame the Squirrels although to be fair the wino chucked up a bit too.

Shalom

and I'm OK
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Pictionary
Well what advice can I give my old mate Sven Goran Eriksson after yesterdays little debacle against the mighty Portuguese. To paraphrase some Norwegian Football Commentator from a few years back "Tony Blair, Benny Hill, Harry Worth, Englebert Humperdinck your boys took one hell of a beating". I would also like to know where Wayne Rooney had got hold of a book of Mossad interrogation techniques, his move when he got the Red Card was straight off of Figure 1 on page 32. I'm pretty amazed as I didn't even know he could read...then again we do use mainly pictures in the book for that very reason.
After thoroughly enjoying my countrymen knocking out England, I started checking over details for my little covert operation I'm going to be undertaking if the weather's OK and there's nothing I want to watch on the TV. Last night I laid out my favourite black outfit, polished my Uzi, and packed my wallscaling gear in a London Underground duffel bag so as not to raise any suspicion. The time has come to get Benny out of his current situation and bring him back to Streatham for debriefing and any necessary treatment. Benny has become even more elusive over the last week or so, and there are now rumours that the people he is working with are even employing doubles of him to put us off track. The plan basically comprises of me flying my remote controlled helicopter to the Kennington area, releasing cans of Pepsi Max and boxes of Milk Tray onto the streets. I'm hoping that will cause so much disruption that I'll be able to climb into Benny's new hideaway snatch him up and get him out without anyone noticing. We were going to use money to cause the distraction but being Jewish we don't throw that sort of stuff around lightly, and the Cans of Pepsi Max and Milk Tray boxes are past their sell by date anyway so the costs are negligible. What happens after I get him back to Streatham is out of my hands, Councillor Liebeman is taking over from there.
I've also heard that Rabbi Bin Laden has popped up somewhere on the Internet, nice to see he's still around, must go and see what he's having to say for himself. I hope he mentions our synagogue somewhere in his speech, be nice to know we made an impression.
Anyway I've got to go and check out the TV guide to see if it's on for tonight or not.

Shalom

I'm a Lumberjack
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hungry Hippos
Just a quickie today, mainly because my Portuguese blood is kicking in and I want to watch the football.
Now I've got my wall scaling gear back from the calibration department in Stamford Hill I can now carry out Councillor Libeman's request to sort out Benny, more about that tomorrow.
Rabbi Goldberg pulled me up at Synagogue this morning and wanted to know why I wasn't round his house last night for a rehearsal of the Danny La Rue thing his wife is into. Well one mention of councillor Liebeman's name was enough to shut him up, and looks like I'm off the hook for that for the time being. Synagogue was pretty boring today now that Goldberg's back, I did ask where Rabbi Bin Laden has gone but nobody seems to know. Someone did hint that he'd gone back to his cave which got a bit of a laugh, but I know there are no caves in Tooting so it can't be true...maybe he lives in the Tube Station, or he might even work there, I'd better hack into the London Transport computers and find out. He really livened things up for a while.
Anyway time to watch the game, then start planning Operation Get Benny.

Shalom

I'm still waiting
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Thunderbirds
Well it's gone all quiet on the missing soldier front so it looks like I won't be heading for Damascus after all. What about the vibrating watch alert I hear you ask. Turns out it was some salesman trying to sell me double glazing f***ing cold callers. Probably got my name off of one of the many mailing lists I belong to. When you're as well connected as me you do tend to get your name in the most unexpected places.
Last day on the Psycho ward today, and I've been pretty impressed with how I handled that big eared bastard. The nurses and quacks don't seem too pleased about me leaving him tied up all day, but they can kiss my arse. I think he's getting away easy, if I was really serious I'd be depriving him of sleep, flaying his feet with a whip until there was no skin left on them, then pouring salt on the open wounds, all combined with an electrical thing strapped to his nuts. Mind you he seems a bit on the kinky side so he might enjoy that. Torturing people was one of my specialties when I worked for Mossad although I'm not so brutal these days. I've found that I can inflict more severe damage just by opening my mouth.
Got a phone call from someone I've haven't heard from in ages. No not Benny, but my old mate Kirk (Douglas), apparently as a Fulham season ticket holder he's entitled to a couple of seats at the World Cup final, wanted to know if I'd join him. Probably not, I think deep down Kirk wants me to repeat the stunt I pulled off in 1966, but stadium security is much tighter these days so smuggling an Israeli flag in will be tougher. I know that bloke from Ghana managed it, but he was actually playing and had it tucked into his sock, still if I'm at a loose end I may put on my jetpack and fly over to Berlin...we'll see.
OK, my wall scaling gear is ready for pick up from the calibration place so I'm off to pick it up. Covert missions are back on again.

Shalom