Communications Blackout
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The Drums
It looks like the Mossad communications satellite was overloaded today as despite my best efforts I've had to wait all day to actually be able to do any typing. Thankfully the powers that be in Jerusalem seem to have sorted the problems so it's service as normal.
However it's getting a bit late, I'm feeling exceptionally lazy having had to push a trolley around all day, and I've just received the latest copy of 'Secret Agent Today' and I think I'll settle back in bed and enjoy myself a little. You know...that big eared git might be onto something...wow... look at that pair of Lugers...all big, black, and shiny

Shalom

Wonderful Spam, Loverly Spam
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Penny Whistle
So someone set fire to the James Bond stage the other day, about time someone caught up with that fraud, he gave all of us secret agents a bad name, everybody thinks it's a life of first class air travel, beautiful women, Martini Cocktails, and gadgets thanks to him. The reality is different, Mossad used to make us take the cheapest flights there were - Some of them made Ryanair look like private jets - the women used to have four legs and go baaa, there was a drugs and alcohol policy and we couldn't drink unless the Olives/Cherries in the glass were Kosher, and you'd find more gadgets in the Argos catalogue than in the average Mossad kitbag. On top of that we never got an Aston Martin or BMW to drive, I remember once all I got was a Renault Laguna, although I must admit it was so bland it was great for undercover work.
I have no idea what the day has in store for me today, after successfully tracking down the NHS tagger it looks like I need to get back to the nitty gritty of pushing trolleys and wheelchairs about. Now you may ask yourself, what's a super agent like me doing in the NHS? Well from an intelligence gathering perspective it's a great job, you should hear some of the stuff I hear in the corridors, plus it allows me to keep my hand in a bit and not forget all that stuff I learned while running an Israeli Army MASH tent back in the 1960's. From time to time it's really tempting to yank the scalpel out of the Surgeon's hand and show him how it should really be done.
On a final note, the Israeli Army High Command would like to thank everyone for their efforts in trying to find our Soldiers, it's looking like they were never in London at all but only made it as far as Lebanon, even if they're not, it's still nice to see the boys knocking seven bells of shit out of a bunch or Arabs.

Shalom

Spam, Spam , Spam, Spam
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Jewish Harp
Yesterday was a little bit strange. Went to the Synagogue early to set up the security screening as I always do, only to get there and find I wasn't needed. When I asked Rabbi Goldberg he admitted he'd been doing a little bit of budgeting and found that my fee of a couple of cream cheese bagels was a little high, especially as he had to go to a rather dubious source to obtain fresh ones on a Saturday. He said he'd been contacted by a couple of rather nice Russian gentlemen who said they'd take care of things for free. Now I don't really have much time for the Ruskies, trust me the KGB were nowhere near as tough as many made out, and I'm more than a little hurt they have come and stamped on my territory. There is an unwritten rule between secret agents that you don't tread on another's turf. Anyway I have to ask why they are willing to do it for free, Rabbi Goldberg knows that you don't get something for nothing, he is Jewish after all.
Councillor Liebeman was also there but didn't seem to want to know me, his wife did approach me and told me that I won't need to learn much Danny La Rue for the foreseeable future, the knitting circle for those brave Israeli boys protecting the homeland is going to be taking up a lot of time. Shamefully I haven't completed a single scarf yet, maybe that's why I'm being blanked.
Benny was there once again, but he chose to hang around in the shadows at the back. I was interested to note that he wasn't wearing anything from his latest fashion collection, and I did manage to collar him for a few words. He's working on a new project for his mates which involves him nicking books from the local libraries and burning them over on Clapham Common. This sort of thing does ring a bell in my head but I can't remember why. Anyway as long as they are all Tom Clancy books it's ok with me.
OK, better get knitting.

Shalom

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Trombone
Well the great graffiti case has been solved, Charlie and me uncovered the vandal spraying NHS on all the gear, turns out it was some geezer putting together some sort of asset register, even showed us his orders. So the whole PMT thing has turned out to be a waste of time, but it was nice while it lasted, being able to openly wear my black gear, use various top secret Mossad gadgets, and best of all openly drink Pepsi Max made it all worth my while.
Of course whenever you crack a case so quickly there is always a feeling of anti climax so last night I decided to go down to Blockbuster and rent myself an action video. Being a Friday night there wasn't much left so I ended up renting Apollo 13. I love films that bring back memories for me and this reminded me of the highly secret Israeli space programme that I was privileged to be part of, just before I went back to work at the Bagel Bake. I remember sitting in the capsule of Muzeltov 1 sweating while the countdown moved closer to lift off when all of a sudden it came to a halt. Turns out the capsule hadn't been blessed by a Rabbi, and by the time they found one it was Saturday and of course no good Jew works on a Saturday so it all got called off. Well that gave someone a chance to work out that rockets are not very fuel economical unless you're firing them at some defenceless Arab state. Also a lot of the rocket was a one time use only, and the director of the space programme was into recycling, so that was it, I was let out of the capsule and sent back to Brick Lane. They did secretly fire a Monkey into space later on, but as the Monkey was a Muslim they'd decided it was expendable anyway.
Synagogue today, don't know what to expect, I've a horrible feeling that the Danny La Rue thing may be about to surface again.

Shalom

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Timpani
Don't ask how I feel today, I feel lousy. Just had an ear bashing from the DTM after my exploits this morning, I really feel it's unfair as I was only carrying out his orders.
I decided to take the hunt for the graffiti vandal a step further today, random checkpoints are no good, they can be avoided plus the vandal may be striking behind closed doors. So today I decided to don my highly secret Mossad jetpack and do some recon through some of the windows on the side of the building. Anywhere I suspected there was something dodgy going on I'd check out in my own style. Well I did hit a couple of snags, first of all I hadn't used the jet pack for a while, and I'd forgot how sensitive the controls were so I blasted up a pretty long way before I got control of the thing. That brought about the first complaint from the Air Traffic Controllers in charge of all the goings on around Heathrow. Then as I hovered around the Hospital building I mistakenly looked through the windows of some of the Nurse's rooms. Cue the second complaint which only the highly mysterious ID card with the Star of David logo on it managed to get me out of. Finally the rooms I did identify with dodgy dealings going on had to be entered somehow, so I rigged up my abseiling gear, dropped down to these windows and with a nice shaped charge blew the things out for easy access. This is the one I'm dealing with now. The DTM reckons that the hospital has enough money problems without having to replace all the windows I blew out this morning. He wants to know why I just didn't use the door. Well that would take away the element of surprise wouldn't it. I guess he wouldn't have been too upset if I'd been carrying some Milk Tray with me.
My assistant Charlie has returned from his undercover dealings yesterday but sadly with little to report, mind you there is a drawback to working with a cat, whilst I might be a mastermind at most world languages, I'm no Doctor Doolittle so communicating with Charlie is tough.

Shalom

Spam Spam Spam Spam
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: The Xylophone
While the Israeli Army knock seven bells out of southern Lebanon - yes I am keeping score and have had to add UN observers onto the score sheet - me and Charlie have taken our cue from them and have made sure that everyone in the Hospital feels the force of the PMT.
I set up random checkpoints around the Hospital yesterday searching people for spray cans and any stencils with the letters NHS on them. Some people objected to my appearance and said that me carrying an Uzi was in contravention of the Hospital regulations. My reply is that the Hospital is in a time of crisis, stuff is being vandalised and only tough action will stop it. I'm a bit pissed off that I'm not allowed to search the patients though, particularly that old bat in geriatrics. Still I did think I was rather efficient in visiting the Colonoscopy room from time to time, at least some people have been properly scanned and are not carrying the stuff shoved up their backsides (memories of Tennis rackets come into my head for some reason).
What was Charlie doing during all this, I have no idea but my admiration for this feline has increased considerably for when he goes undercover he can't be found. He must have been Mossad trained, although I was slightly alarmed to hear someone remark he'd strayed a little too close to the local Chinese. I hope that's not true as I'd always thought that place was kosher.
So today the hunt goes on, no random checkpoints today, I'm going to use the element of surprise and abseil down the side of the building so I can see into rooms which I wasn't allowed to enter yesterday, I'm sure the DTM will be well pleased with the dedication I'm showing with this task.

Shalom

Just like my dear Papa!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The Banjo
Got to work today and was told I'd be paired up with my new four legged assistant who is going to help me track down the moron who is spraying NHS on all our trolleys. So as I stood in the corridor waiting for the animal I was wondering what sort of vicious beast would I be allocated to intimidate the vandal into giving up. A Rotweiler or Doberman would do the job quite nicely I thought, but please no more Dachshunds. Well after what seemed like a long wait I was summoned into a room to meet my new partner, and to say I was disappointed would be an understatement. No Lassie or Rin Tin Tin this animal, not even a Skippy who I could at least communicate with. My new sidekick was to be none other than Charlie the Ginger Tom who we feed off scraps round by the bins. On seeing me he promptly shot off out of the room as I'd shoved my toe up his arse on more than one occasion, but enough of my sexual habits. The Duty Trolley manager seems to think that if Charlie pisses on enough trolleys eventually the distinct odour of Cat Piss will rub off on the vandal, and we all know how hard it is to get rid of that smell. So my job will comprise of me basically sniffing people to see if they've picked up some of what Charlie has left behind. Now I don't know how much time you spend in hospitals but there are loads of people who come into the place smelling a bit odd. Look at all the wino's who come in and sit in casualty when it gets cold. Still I've had a masterstroke of thought which will make this a short lived assignment. There's a crazy old bat lingering around the geriatric ward who kept about 400 cats in her house, she stinks like Cat piss so I think I'll pin the blame on her...job done.
Anyway better go and find Charlie, find some left over kippers from breakfast in the bin here, it'll make a nice treat for him.

Shalom

I wish I'd been a Girlie
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Harpsichord
Remember my last line from yesterday, they always have a surprise for me when I get back to work. Well yesterday was no exception, after filling in my sicknote - I used Leprosy this time, haven't had it for a while - I was summoned to see the Duty Trolley Manager. Seems like since I've been away, there has been an outbreak of Trolleys being sprayed with graffiti, normally comprising of somebody using the Tag NHS. So with my background in security and undercover work I've been given the task of setting up the Hospital's new elite department for the Protection and Management of Trolleys or PMT as it's going to be known. The DTM was telling me that to work in this department, standards are so high that I'm the only one regarded as qualified to work in it. I won't be alone however as I will have four legged help.
Now that was a surprise to me, I've never told anybody about my dog handling experience in the Israeli Army and my training of the highly regarded, if short lived, Dachshund Mine Detection squad. Dachshunds were ideal for that sort of work, being low to the ground they tended to set the mines off before anybody else could. Problem was we ran out of Dachshunds pretty quickly, and what with the expense of dog food too, the Army decided to pursue electronic solutions to mine detection.
Anyway I haven't met my canine help yet, but I can hardly wait to start bonding with it. I've even been given an armband to wear with PMT written on it, I'm sure we'll be making an impression around the Hospital pretty soon.

Shalom

Suspenders and a Bra
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The French Horn
Well the last couple of days I've been harping on about the conflict between Israel and Lebanon, it's bringing back all sorts of memories for me but I can't really tell you much about them as a lot of it is highly classified and if I told you I'd have to have you eliminated as we used to say in Mossad. Now I know this thing is attracting a hardcore of readers, but you have all been very shrewd and despite the best efforts of Mossad's computer department there is no way to identify you all which means we'd be likely to make a few eliminations in error.
Anyway last night my phone rang and I got a very garbled line which was allegedly Benny. He sounded like he was cursing Deutsche Telekom for yet another crappy connection. This will teach him to switch phone companies, I've always found TAT (Tel Aviv Telecommunications) ideal for my needs plus I get a discount for being a member of the Israeli security service and an extra discount because I'm working undercover. I've no idea what he was trying to say, all I could hear in the background was a lot of people complaining that they couldn't get their torches lit, and that if they got hold of the cheapskate who bought those lighters off that geezer in the street at 10 for a pound, they'd hang him high. The line went dead just after that, but if Benny is calling me it seems to indicate he's having a few problems.
Back to work today, whenever I'm away it seems something new crops up, I wonder what little surprises await me this time.

Shalom

I wear High Heels
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Piccolo
Well my map is up on the wall, and I've even rigged up a little chart so I can keep score of the big match, yep Israel vs Lebanon which hopefully will see more action than the recent World Cup.
I spent a fair chunk of yesterday afternoon sorting all that out, I discovered that the only map of the area I had was in an old diary which somebody had given me all those years ago, for the life of me I can't remember what RMT stands for, but I vaguely recall having a drinking session with some KGB geezer who told me that they were some sort of elite Russian secret service, hence the reason I never used it, didn't want to ruin it did I. Anyway as the map was pretty small, I had to take it down the Library and blow it up on their photocopier (made a change from blowing up oil pipelines), and it cost me quite a few pennies to do it. I opted for black and white copies though as they're cheaper. The map now takes pride of place in my operations centre - also known as my basement - and with the blackboard I put up to keep score I'm all set.
I was pretty unsuccessful in locating any Israeli Army khaki wool, so if anybody reading this knows where to get some, let me know, the boys on the front line are going to need those scarves to keep warm, although at the moment I hear that there are enough little fires raging down there to help out.
I'm keeping this short as today is the final stage of the Tour De France, and in a little known tradition the last stage must always be won by a notable cyclist of Swiss/Israeli/British origin, as I'm the only one that fits the bill, I'm off down to Fairoaks to be whisked to the starting line.

Shalom

I cut down trees
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Flute
The news from the homeland fills me with great memories. Those lads are going to get a taste of action as we teach another bunch of Arabs that you can't go nicking soldiers from us without paying something. The way I view it we're acting just like Bailiffs chasing a debt, if they'd offered us a fiver or something then it wouldn't have come to this.
I remember all those years ago when I received my call-up papers while I was doing the night shift at the Bagel Bake. Reggie and Ronnie were waiting at the counter for some nice hot Bagels to take home to their Mum when the local Rabbi came storming into the shop. In those days call-up papers were delivered by special couriers who stowed away on ships to keep the delivery costs down. As the Bagel Bake was so close to the docks, I got mine fairly quickly. The following morning I was bundled onto a Bus which I remember was a strange mustard colour, and the adventure began which led to me becoming one of Mossad's star agents, look at all the years I've worked undercover since without being detected to show how good I am. Of course my military career has also gone down in the annals of the Israeli Army, and for team building purposes they always portray the Six Day War as a joint effort, but I'd already won it single handedly the year before.
Anyway with the current crisis we're all pulling together down at the Synagogue, I'm making my contribution by knitting a few scarves, others are knitting gloves, well it does get cold down there sometimes you know. So I'm off down the wool shop to see if they've got anything in Israeli Army Khaki.

Shalom

I sleep all night and I work all day
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Stylophone
Should have gone back to work today, but seeing as I can have a whole week off without going to see the quack I thought I'd play the system a little, well everyone else does, don't see why I shouldn't.
Spent yesterday evening round at Councillor Liebeman's place. It seems all talk of the Danny La Rue thing has subsided in recent weeks, that's probably because the homeland is under threat and this is no time for jollity. We discussed my latest mission which he bluntly told me was not regarded by the powers that be in Tel Aviv as a total success. The politicians at home are doing their utmost to prove to the world that they are not bombing Lebanon because I had a dodgy kebab one night after a heavy drinking session, but instead is the result of the actions of a notorious terrorist organisation. Luckily for me the names of the Kebab house and the terrorist group are similar enough for that story to stick. Still I've been told that if I don't buck my ideas up, they'll be no profit related pay for me this year. I can't say I'm too bothered by that, I signed up for that Mossad scheme years ago and haven't seen as much as half a dinari.
So I was feeling a bit pissed off after I left there, I seriously considered seeing if I could break into Benny's, I had a box of Milk Tray in my saddlebag which I had to get rid of, but in the end I just went on home to brood and play with some of my gadgets which I keep stored in the boot of the fastest VW in the west. Today I think I'll just lounge about and see what comes up.

Shalom

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Bassoon
Well I'm back from a very interesting mission. I like these exciting times, gunfire in the streets, explosions, the sight of people cowering as they move from one building to another...but enough about Harlesden on a Saturday night...you no doubt want to know what I've been up to since my abrupt departure.
Well unfortunately the weather was against me a little, and my hang glider took a bit longer than expected to get going, in fact despite my best efforts I only got as far as Eastbourne before I came crashing to the ground. Mind you Eastbourne has many similarities to Beirut, at least if my memory serves me correctly. You know I parked my bike in Eastbourne once and some git nicked the front wheel, exactly the same as happened when I led the Israeli Army cycling paratroopers in a cross border sortie. Mind you they did rig up a booby trap to the bike so nobody could take the frame so I guess that makes the Lebanese more considerate. All I will say is that it is lucky I'm not colour blind.
Anyway as I couldn't make it all the way there my role had to change, and after discussion with the High Command it was decided that with my intimate knowledge of Tooting - which has a similar street layout to Beirut I'd be the ideal man to direct the shellfire. So armed with a 1960's copy of a London A-Z I've been directing operations and I must admit I have let personal feelings influence my decisions. There used to be an old Kebab shop just off Tooting High Road called HisBollers or something, must have been what they made the Kebabs of, I spent a night talking into the porcelain telephone after eating there. So whenever I gave out a map reference I would shout HisBollers! Now it seems the Israeli Government have taken it to heart and claim they are directing operations against HisBollers. I feel really sorry for the guy in a way, one dodgy kebab and he is regarded as a terrorist. Mind you what sort of message is that sending anyone who gives Jews food poisoning, it'll certainly step up the cleanliness of restaurants in Golders Green I can tell you.
OK, well better get going, I have a debriefing with Councillor Liebeman to go through.

Shalom

The next update is scheduled for Thursday 20th July 2006 when I get back from my latest mission.

Shalom

MM

and Hang Around in Bars!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Church Organ
Well Mossad fans, yesterday was a day of drama and excitement for yours truly.
Just after I finished typing my last entry, and was looking everywhere for a coin to toss, I felt something vibrating in the seat of my trousers. My first thought was that the Chicken Curry Bagel I'd got from the local Indian on Friday night was still making its presence felt, but after a couple of seconds I realised that the regular vibration was my secret Mossad message watch which I'd put up my backside for safekeeping, well technology like that is beyond ordinary western scientists and we don't want it to fall into the wrong hands, just like cameras in phones which are unique to Mossad. After cursing myself for skimping a bit on the Vaseline...OK I used Flora, it's cheaper, I managed to answer the damn thing. Turns out the powers that be in Tel Aviv want to fly me out to Lebanon for a couple of days and teach our boys how to shoot straight and maybe carry out a little covert mission. Of course I jumped at the chance so as soon as I finish this I'll be off to catch a private hang glider to whisk me down to the Homeland.
This meant of course that I had to speak to Councillor Liebeman as opposed to Benny to let him know what was going on, so it was to the Synagogue rather than the launch of the Auschwitz collection that I cycled to. In a way I was quite relieved as I'd been worried about chaining the bike up in Greenwich, well dodgy down there I'm told.
Anyway the upshot of all this is that you won't be hearing from me for a couple of days as I carry out my latest orders from the High Command. Normally I'd pass the baton onto Benny, but he is so preoccupied at the moment that I'm worried about what he will write. So you won't hear from me again until Thursday (That's classified by the way so don't tell anyone)unless of course some Arab gets a lucky shot and shoots down my Hang Glider in which case I won't be back at all.

Shalom

I put on Women's Clothing
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: The Clarinet
Well seems they've found a couple of the stolen soldiers, although they've turned up in the not very desirable position of being dead! Anyway the Israeli High Command is still looking for the other two, so as Shaw Taylor or whatever his name on that programme you could grass criminals up on used to say...Keep'em peeled...hold it...that was another Taylor referring to the Lemons in his drinks.
Not really sure what my plans are today, I can either go to Benny's little event in Greenwich, or head off like a good Jew to the Synagogue. I'll be tossing a dinari to make my decision shortly. Benny's event does have the added attraction of possibly bumping into a couple of supermodels, apparently they have asked for the skinniest models the agency could find, sadly my recommendations - Karen Carpenter and Bobby Sands - can't make it on the grounds that they starved themselves to death years ago. I really should make more of an effort to keep my little black book up to date.
Rumours abound that the Football season starts again soon and I can't wait to get back to cheering on Fulham/Chelsea once again. I wonder if Bobby Moore is still their Captain and George Best is still playing the lone striker role up front. I'll have to ring Kirk (Douglas) and find out, he's much more up to speed on this sort of thing than me, but of course with all the little wars and political scandals going on in the world, I have other things to occupy my mighty mind. As they said when I entered the Mossad academy, once a secret agent always a secret agent, and you are never allowed to take your finger off of the world's pulse for a second.
OK, time to dig around under the couch and see if I can find any coins, I know I have some in my Piggy Bank, but I'd hate to break it open just for this, the thing cost me a fiver in Woolworth's and I'll be buggered if I'm going to fork out for another one.

Shalom

I like to press Wild Flowers
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Oboe
Well had no luck yesterday looking for Israeli soldiers in the Hospital bins. In fact the whole thing was a pretty unpleasant experience as it looks like since I left the psycho ward, nobody has been hosing down the rubber sheets fitted onto a certain persons bed, there was quite a few of them in there, almost made me long for the days of my Mossad survival training when we had to get by for a week on nothing but Elephant Dung...or was that when I was working undercover on a certain railway...can't remember.
Anyway no joy yesterday, and it looks like they really are having no luck finding them, still...it gives them an excuse to bomb the hell out of another bunch of Arabs so it can't be all bad. While I'm on the subject, the Israeli High Command have reminded me that it is not necessary to search all over London, getting reports from places like Stamford Hill and Golders Green only confuses things and makes work for me as I'd have to spend the weekend checking them out. Also those of you claiming to have seen the missing soldiers playing for England in Germany are also wide of the mark. Now admittedly Israeli Soldiers aren't that good at Football and that would explain some of the performances, however the Soldiers didn't get stolen until after England had actually been knocked out.
Spoke to Benny again last night, he still wants to know if I'll be going to the launch of the Auschwitz Collection in Greenwich tomorrow. Still can't give him an answer, first of all it clashes with Synagogue, also I may be hunting down any leads we get about the missing Soldiers. If you have any leads for me to follow up, don't forget to let me know by either e-mailing me or by leaving a message in the Guestbook, look for the links on the left hand of the page.

Shalom

I skip and Jump
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Violin
There I was last night dozing in my chair, when I felt something vibrating in my trouser pocket. No I hadn't been back to Madam Sue's Bondage Emporium, but I'd put my secret Mossad message watch in my pocket when I was washing my hands and forgot to put it back on.
Looking at the watch, a message went across the display, the gist of which I've been asked to pass on to all the great unwashed who read this thing.

To Agent: CENSORED

As you may be aware someone has taken to stealing Israeli Soldiers, obviously in an effort to build a mighty Army of highly skilled Arab beaters of their own. Now the High Command are pretty upset about this, it costs money to train these people and we don't like wasting the taxpayers shekels. So while we continue to look for these men and get them back, we thought we'd ask you - and the readers of your esteemed daily journal - to make sure that they haven't been smuggled to the UK in the latest batch of illegal immigrants which our intelligence suggests is a daily event there.
What we would like you to do is check your garden sheds, wheelie bins, under your floorboards, anywhere where you might think these people would hide an Israeli Soldier, and if you find one, stick him in a box and send him back to us in Tel Aviv. We are not responsible for shipping and handling expenses, so consider your shipping method carefully.
Many Thanks

Israeli Army High Command

Well I'm going to do my bit today by checking all the bins at work, nobody will find that unusual as me rummaging around for anything useful in the bins is a common sight at the Hospital. Also let me pass on this tip, the buggers who have nicked these soldiers may have subjected them to plastic Surgery so they may not even look Jewish anymore, so if you see someone looking distressed as they can't find a Bagel shop on the Edgware Road, the chances are you've found one of our men.

Happy hunting

Shalom

I cut down Trees
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Trumpet
Nothing very dramatic going on, although I did notice that a couple more Israeli soldiers got nicked by some thieving Arabs. Why do they have to steal our troops, don't they have any of their own? Also what's going on over there, wouldn't have happened in my day, the bloody homeland are knocking out some real duds these days. Maybe I should give up work here at the Hospital and go back and give them some much needed training, the standards of Hava Nagida in particular have fallen alarmingly.
Then I notice all these explosions on the trains in India, now I know the f***ing things are crowded, but surely there are better ways of creating a little space for yourself then blowing the bloody things up? Of course now the f***ing moron has blown himself up he doesn't get the benefit of the nice shiny new carriages that Indian Railways are going to have to buy to replace them, defeats the object if you ask me.
Anyway got a surprise phone call last night from a certain Mr Slibowitz. Yep that's right Benny has been in touch. He sounded quite pleased with himself, and it turns out that his 'Auschwitz Collection' is going to be shown off this coming weekend. He did want to do the show at the Synagogue, but Rabbi Goldberg commented that some people might find it a little offensive, so he was forced to find another venue. So on Saturday they've found a nice disused building in Greenwich which was built at great expense but hardly ever used, and will hold it there. He said one great thing about his collection was that finding Models to show it off was no great problem. The whole collection has been designed with the slimmer figure in mind, and everyone knows Models like to watch their weight. If the show is a success then they are planning to do a European launch later this year, a venue not far from Munich is currently being considered. He has invited me along on Saturday, and he knows he has some explaining to do. I'll give it some thought.
OK, well Rubbish waits for no man, and one of the bins is almost full, just got time to have a little rummage around before I put it out.

Shalom

I sleep all night and I work all day
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Piano
You know you can learn a lot about people by their rubbish, and the same is true about Hospitals too. Now before I go too far here, what I see at this place is nothing to when I was working in an Israeli Army MASH unit, that was in between the time I was working for the Bagel Bake and joining Mossad. The MASH unit was a pain in the arse, every Saturday we had to erect a special tent to be used as a Synagogue. The problem was that MASH tents have big red crosses on them, and the Army Rabbi said that they were definite no-no's for religious events. So we'd be kicked out of bed on a Saturday morning and erect a special tent with a picture of a Menorah (I think that's what they were called) on it. Now correct me if I'm wrong but us Jews ain't supposed to work on Saturdays, but apparently the Rabbi made special dispensation for us. You know what? Every single Saturday that place would be attacked by some mad Arab who thought it was a Mossad field unit. It was great fun in a way, look at all the Arabs I took out with a single shot, but still a pain.
Anyway back to the Hospital rubbish, apart from the usual soiled sheets (mainly from the psycho ward at the moment), and amputated limbs that are normally tossed in the bins, yesterday I came across three brand new laptops, a MRI scanner, and a Surgeon who it turns out had been in there all night, well the cost of living is bloody expensive in London you know. Just imagine the amount of money wasted there! I mean can't they at least have washed the sheets! Typical NHS that's all I'll say, the quicker they get some Jewish bean counters running the place the better. You'll have to use the sheets more than once I bet. As for the laptops...well there's a nice computer place down the Tottenham Court Road run by one of our Synagogue regulars, he does all right out of the Hospital...say no more.

Shalom