Bank Holiday Blues
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Clodagh Rodgers Greatest Hits.
Bah, it's a Bank Holiday and I've got to work. Why can't people get sick during normal working hours? That way I'd be down B&Q and IKEA with the rest of you, buying paint and furniture which I'd never work out how to put together.
Still that's the problem with working for the ever available NHS. You're at the beck and call of the taxpayer...ungrateful bastard that he is.
Checking out the news today, what's with these bins that weigh your rubbish without you knowing about it? It's something I'm surprised Mossad scientists hadn't developed, I'm sure there would have been situations it would have come in useful. Working at the hospital does have its advantages though, I won't be paying for my crap to be taken away, those nice big bins at the back of the building will be seeing a lot of me.
It's really tough to get going on a day like this, I'm just glad it's not too hot though as I've got Milk Tray boxes piled high in the corridor at home and I'd be worried about them melting. Never did get around to making any deliveries this weekend, maybe I'll stuff a few down my own face but not too many, a secret agent that can't squeeze through the smallest openings is no good to anyone.
Anyway I think I'll kick back and relax for a while today, I've a feeling I've a busy week coming up so I'll need all the rest I can get.

Shalom

Sunday Sunday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tombola
You know there's nothing like a nice warmed up Bagel. Even better is a nice warmed up Bagel with Bacon on a Saturday. Illegal pleasures are the best.
I didn't bother going out delivering Milk Tray last night, just couldn't be arsed. There's always been something about working Saturday nights that doesn't appeal to me, it was the same when I worked on that Underground Railway network somewhere in London, although my mates there reckon I was like that all the time. Cheeky bastards, as I've said before intelligence gathering takes time and patience, I just didn't have the time to do any physical labour in between.
Today I think I'll just be hanging around in my Marks and Spencer Underpants just catching up with the latest news, not that there is much of that. The Homeland vs Hezbollah thing rumbles on but it's getting boring now. It never developed into proper action, and I really think the Israeli youth of today are missing out on something there. Nothing like being under fire to find out what you're really made of. Look at me, I've been fired at so many times, even when checking in for a plane. It helped me develop the personality and character that has allowed me to undertake some of the toughest jobs known to Man such as pulling points and pushing round Hospital trolleys. You develop Cat like instincts as a result, and I must admit I have to be alert at all times of the day. You never know when someone might take a pot shot at you.
OK, time to change the tape in the video, I think I might watch a Hollywood remake of one of my exploits..."Cockleshell Heroes" it is.

Shalom

Please Release Me
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window
I'll try and keep it brief today as I've just got back from the Synagogue and I've managed to obtain some illegal Bagels that I want to warm up in the Microwave before they go stale.
Retrieved my trolley from Kwik Fits yesterday. The new tyres are a vast improvement and I must say the thing corners and holds the corridor much better than it did before. To me that's money well spent and my future clients will certainly appreciate it.
The Russian security bods that Goldberg hired are beginning to piss people off a bit. It seems that the Skull Cap rental scam they've been running was just the tip of the iceberg. They've now come up with a fast track scheme for Synagogue entry where if you cross their palms with a few extra roubles you bypass the queue. Mind you it might be worth it as you do get a free paper Skull Cap which is yours to keep and reuse. I'll give that some thought, the extra Shekels I'm forking out in rental fees is hitting my budget a bit. On top of that the bastards are always taking my Pepsi Max off of me, and I need that to stay awake as Goldberg is not the most entertaining Rabbi in the world.
I don't have much planned this weekend, if the weather is OK I might do a Milk Tray run tonight. Hopefully lots of single women will be heeding the advice of the Met Police Commissioner and leaving their front doors unlocked. It's much easier to get in that way than abseiling down the side of a building and hoping to find a window open. I'm fully equipped for the task though, and am prepared to parachute on top of a cable car if that's what it takes, although there aren't many of those in Tooting.
OK Microwave has gone ding, time for Bagels.

Shalom

Movie madness
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Pooh Sticks
I've said it before and I'll say it again...when are those Hollywood C***s going to think up their own ideas for a film. The latest example is that one called "Snakes On A Plane".Now the matter of a couple of crates of Snakes being able to run rampage on a 747 is a little far fetched, what amazes me is that there is always an armed Hollywood star on there to take care of the problem. But the thing that gets me is where they got the idea from, and I'm sorry to say that once again it's based on one of my exploits.
It was back in the early 70's and when I wasn't working my shift for the Underground Railway based somewhere in London, I'd be doing the London to Tel Aviv run as a part time Air Marshal for El Al. On that particular day I'd overseen the arrival of our motley crew of passengers and everything was set for a smooth ride to the Homeland. It was like that until about a couple of hours into the flight, the Mossad trained flight attendants were just about to start serving the food when one of them noticed something odd about one of the dishes. I was summoned to have a look and at that precise moment we hit some turbulence and the food trolley took off. It went flying down the gangway spilling its contents over the unfortunate passengers. This caused a bit of a panic because it turned out we'd been given the wrong food trolley, and instead of it having lots of nice Kosher stuff we'd ended up with a load of Pork Steaks. The incident is still referred to as the Steaks On A Plane, and Samuel L Jackson rips off my famous line of "Get these Motherf***ing Steaks off of this motherf***ing plane" which was the last thing I'd said before the trolley took off.
Anyway enough moaning, I've got to go and pick up my trolley from Kwik Fits and get it back to the Hospital.

Shalom

Mixed Emotions
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Basketball
I'm a bit of a mixed bag today. My team Fulham/Chelsea didn't really do too well last night and the lads are giving me a fair bit of stick for it. On top of that Maccabi Tel Aviv lost to that bunch of car thieves the other day. I hate Football, can't wait until the Badger hunting season starts up again.
Still while watching the games on Teletext last night I did get a phone call from Benny. He's slowly coming back into the fold, that new business of his is doing wonders for him, and his involvement in that new TV station is also helping. If you remember I asked for more details about Celebrity Concentration Camp. Now Benny is a bit of an insider as to what is going on with that. Apparently the station can't believe the amount of interest that is being shown by the general public, but when you think about it it's got more going for it than that Big Brother show. Anyway the search for a host goes on, the latest names to come to the fore are Russell Grant and Dale Winton. It's unlikely that the show will move further forward until a host gets picked, that's why I haven't heard back from the producers. Benny though has offered to fast track me through the selection process once they get the go ahead. What a mate eh?
At work I'm still working down by the bins, but it's an easy number and I can smoke myself silly down there. Also had time to pop round to Kwik Fit to see how my trolley's coming along. The tyres are due to arrive later today, and I should be able to pick it up tomorrow. These are exciting times.

Shalom

Big In Japan
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Snakes On A Plane
I check my e-mail with monotonous regularity and one thing has struck me. I've been getting a hell of a lot of stuff from Japan recently, now while I like to get mail it would help if my Mossad decoding software could recognise it, however being cheap bastards and expecting everyone to speak Hebrew or English it can't. So if you're reading this in Japan, write in English you lazy f***ing C***s.
Japan of course is a beautiful country although I haven't been there for some time, I remember it well, I was running a training exercise for new Mossad agents, and we'd picked the Tokyo Subway as the "classroom" for that day, I felt it was about time I put my experience working for an Underground Railway somewhere in London to good use. Well the plan was to release some Hai-Karate or something into the environment to simulate a nerve gas attack. Seems like someone in the stores f***ed up and gave us Sarin instead. Still didn't matter too much as the effects of Hai-Karate and Sarin are very similar in enclosed spaces. Whatever it seems the Japs were a bit alarmed at people falling over dead on their transport system so we had to scurry out of there real quick. Took a few shekels changing hands to get us off the hook and shift the blame to some cranky religious nut over there. That was a bad time for me if I remember correctly as I missed my mate Ronnie's funeral to go to Tokyo. Even more upset when I found out desperate Journalists were offering fifty quid a go for the programmes.
Had a lively exchange with the bullshitting dustman yesterday. He's real entertaining especially when you get him onto his time with MI6. He must think I'm stupid or something, I know he's talking bollocks, who ever heard of a dustman carrying a Walther PPK for instance. I'm just glad that over the years I've been very discreet about my activities, could you imagine what people would think if I told them some of my tales. They'd probably think I was lying.
OK well it's time to get back to work, there's a load of sheets from the psycho ward need cleaning. Apparently having heard about Channel 4's plans to hold a wankathon, big ears has been practicing diligently and even got some sort of competition going up there. It's a pity he's been locked up as I think he would have done rather well and would have been a real hit on Channel 4, especially if he could spend the time gazing at a picture of Reg Holdsworth.

Shalom

Daredevil Dustmen
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: Lethal Weapon
Just a quickie today as the Dustmen are due to pick up some surgical waste so they can dump it in some field somewhere. I have to be on hand to help them load the bags for some reason, didn't realise it was part of my job but as long as I can smoke while doing it I don't have a problem.
I actually like doing this bin job, some of the Dustmen are a good laugh, one of them is a bit of a storyteller too, and he is always entertaining. He reckons he used to be in MI6, and used to throw himself out of planes over Scotland just for the hell of it. Also goes on about how he won the World Darts Championship back in 1973. What a Bullshitter, if he'd actually done all that stuff what's he doing as a Dustman? Now I know I'm in a lowly job at the moment, but it's all for the sake of gathering vital intelligence, what's his excuse?
No response yet from that new TV station about that show I'm interested in appearing in. I guess they've been swamped with applications as a lot of people have cottoned on that this show will make headlines all over the place, and some people are such publicity seekers. I'm just interested in the experience, plus I want to show Kirk Douglas that I'm now doing more TV work than he is. He's become a real lazy bastard over the last few years, while there's me looking to not only hold down my hospital job, but I'm also doing intelligence work for a famous Jewish agency, delivering Chocolates in my spare time, and now I'm hoping to do TV work. There's no rest for the wicked let me tell you.
Kwik Fit tell me the new tyres for my trolley should be in by the end of the week, and seeing as I'm on Bin detail I don't mind waiting. It'll be the sweetest trolley in the NHS once I get it back.
OK, I can hear the dulcet tones of the Dustmen's wagon, time to do some work and have a chat.

Shalom

You're a Star Superstar
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Stars In Their Eyes
Back to work today, didn't get a great reaction from the DTM on my arrival, he had no choice but to accept my explanation that a stale Bagel had laid me low for a couple of days, not sure he was totally convinced as I have never complained about a Bagel before, but there is a first time for everything.
I'm back on Bin duty as a result, he thinks it's a punishment but I actually like it. Unlimited fag breaks and plenty of time to send off all those covert messages to a certain organisation via a Hospital phone line. Also it has come at a good time as my trolley is in for it's 10,000 mile service this week. I'm thinking of having new sports tyres fitted to it although they'll have to be specially ordered as the local Kwik Fit doesn't carry trolley tyres in its normal stock. I think they're missing something there being so close to a hospital and all. The manager tells me they don't get many trolleys in there...well if he carried the parts maybe he would get more. Anyway he's going to find out how long it'll take for the new ones to arrive from Italy before I make a firm order, there's still some tread left on the old ones so it's not urgent.
Sent an e-mail this morning to that new TV station asking for more details about Celebrity Concentration Camp. I've been encouraged to do so by Councillor Liebeman who thinks I could become quite a star by doing it. I'm only going to take part though if there's anybody famous in it, and yes I'm talking of celebs with the status of Michael Fish and that bloke of Big Brother 3 whose name I can't remember but he was in all the papers a few years back. Rumour has it that Anne Robinson has said no to hosting it, but Matthew Kelly is looking for work at the moment so who knows.
Anyway time to roll another Bin out.

Shalom

Name change
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Bay City Roller's Greatest Hit
No sooner than I finished typing yesterday than I got an urgent phone call from Rabbi Goldberg. He wanted to know if I'd mentioned a certain TV station in my regular posts. Of course I had, after all it's always nice to be in at the start of something that's going to be big. Well it turns out that there is already a TV station of that name and it's based in the USA, they are none too happy about a group of UK upstarts using their name, and they are a little concerned about the nature of some of the programming. So a deal has been struck, and the UK station is going to change its name, although to what hasn't been decided yet. I've been advised to remove all references to the station from my postings before some lawyers get on my case.
The phone was busy yesterday as I also got a call from Benny. We don't see as much of each other these days, but he is excited about his role in the TV show Celebrity Concentration Camp. It seems the show has reached an advanced planning stage although they haven't found a host yet. Anne Robinson has been approached as she already owns some black leather coats and that would cut down the wardrobe bill. The venue will be authentic though as the producers have managed to rent part of an old camp somewhere in Poland for a few weeks. On top of that, a major European Train builder has offered to build some carriages to a design that was very popular in 1930's Germany just to add to the realism. Delivery of these though may hold the show up as they are still in the commissioning stage, plus they have other work to do for which they are being paid.
I'm still toying with the idea of going on the show, and have asked the makers for some more information, if anyone else is interested let me know and I'll publish the details here.
OK well I'd better keep the legal eagles happy and remove certain references from here.

Shalom

Server woes
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Chess
Sorry for the late update, when I tried to log in this morning it seemed that my Mossad issued password wasn't accepted. Now if any of you lot have had any experience with Tech support anywhere you know how much grief it can be. Well multiply that tenfold when you have to work with Jewish Technicians on a Saturday in Tel Aviv. F***ing nightmare it was, what with them all claiming via their servants that they're not allowed to work on a Saturday. Still luckily for me I still have contacts over there, and a couple of strategically parked black cars seemed to have cured the problem.
Of course I never knew about all this until I got back from Synagogue. Quite interesting today as Rabbi Goldberg read out a message from a new TV station. They're looking for some extras to appear in their reality show Celebrity Concentration Camp. Seems that only having a dozen celebs stuck in one room isn't realistic enough. So the search is on for 200 willing people who need to lose a bit of weight. You're guaranteed to pick up some appearance money every week, and you're not eligible to be voted off. You also get to keep one of Benny's outfits for your trouble. I'm seriously thinking about putting my name forward. I can survive on a crappy diet, and unlike a lot of people I'm willing to eat bugs and everything to survive. I did manage to last two weeks in the desert with only a plank of wood to eat so it would be a breeze. I'll get some more details and see if I measure up.
OK, I'd better call off the boys in the black cars before they get too trigger happy.

Shalom

TV Times
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Conkers
As I threw a sickie the other day after the bash for the new TV station, I've decided that I might as well take the rest of the week off. Not a problem with the Hospital's absenteeism policy, and anyway I'll just claim it was some super religious holiday that I couldn't miss. They won't know any different plus who else are they going to get to do this job at the rate of pay we get...ok there's about 3,000 poles called John...but who else?
Even if they don't fall for that one, I can always argue that I've been struck down with variable bad back syndrome which like some sort of virus seems to strike everybody in this country at some stage.
Some of you have asked if I'm going to be appearing on the new TV station. Well it'd be nice but unless they run some sort of desert survival skills programme or something about delivering boxes of Milk Tray to unsuspecting women, I doubt it. There's also my Hospital job to consider, they don't like you having two jobs, plus of course if I appeared on TV my cover would be blown. You'd be surprised at how famous I really am. If any of you have access to pictures of the Saturdays Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren went to watch Fulham then you might be able to pick me out in the crowd. I'm the one with the bulge under the jacket.
Benny called last night, he wants to go out for a drink in the near future as he has a new car. Just like me he has got a VW Beetle, although his is one of the original models apparently. He also suggested we take it on a booze cruise as he has made some interesting contacts in France who according to him have something to do with Pens or something. Now I can see the point in shuffling over to France for some cheap fags and duty free Barbican, but a cheap old pen I can pick up off any desk in the Hospital.
Okay well as I'm taking a sickie I might as well take it easy, although Councillor Liebeman is going to drop by with the Milk Tray and Pepsi Max I agreed to buy off him the other night. This stuff looks kosher so it'll be back to intruding on women's bedrooms again real soon. Must make sure I don't pick up the mask with 'Rapist' written on it this time, gave some of them a bit of a fright before.

Shalom

Video Killed The Radio Star
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Marbles
Once again I find myself apologising for missing out on this yesterday, but it was with good reason. Tuesday evening I got a call from the good folks at a new TV station asking me if I wanted to attend their launch party in Golders Green. Well the chance to rub shoulders with the stars and wear my old Tuxedo was too much to resist so I accepted immediately. If the way they treated me is an indication of the professionalism of the station then all of you lot with Sky are in for a treat. They actually sent a Chauffeur driven Tandem to pick me up, and for once the bloke doing the pedaling actually knew the way.
Once I got there the catering was superb. Fresh Bagels from Golders Green's number one bakery just kept on coming, and there was Kosher wine galore, although to tell the truth I'm more of a Martini man but since Ian Fleming nicked the idea for that James Bond character I've played that down a bit. There were plenty of stars there too, I think I recognised Gordon The Gopher but couldn't get near him as he was surrounded by groupies.
So what TV treats does this new TV station have lined up? Well it'll be mixture of old Hebrew TV and some new exciting shows. I'm particularly looking forward to "Israel's Most Wanted", which currently has Osama Bin Laden at the top of their list closely followed by Mel Gibson. Then there are the exciting soap operas such as "Little House On The Gaza Strip" and "Westbankers". Of course there will be the odd reality show too, the first one being "Celebrity Concentration Camp" where once famous fat celebs are put through the sort of regime once employed in Nazi Germany. Every week you get the chance to vote one of them into the Gas Chamber. I noticed that Benny's clothing range will be used in that show.
So after a night supping free wine and eating free bagels I tried to make my way home but apparently I kept falling off of the Tandem. The Chauffeur got a bit pissed off with that and ended up leaving me in a gutter in Tufnell Park so I had to walk home. I never got home until yesterday afternoon and was too f***ing tired to write anything for this. It was worth it though.
So look out for this new TV station on your Sky digital box.

Shalom

I Believe I can fly
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Hopscotch
It's not until you spend a bit of time down the morgue that you realise how cold it is down there. I took up the suggestion of one of my mates and went and hid down there yesterday while I relaxed. Wish I hadn't bothered, I got frostbite in places I didn't think it was possible to get frostbite. If I'd known I'd have got my Mossad cold weather gear out although it might have looked a bit stupid wearing one of those white outfits we used to be issued with for ski-ing in the Alps while walking through the Hospital. No wonder they call dead bodies bloody stiffs, I think I would be if I had to lay around in that for more than a day.
Anyway I've decided that nice as they are, Jamaican Woodbines are a poor imitation of the original, and I'll only be smoking them when I get really desperate. Luckily for me, Benny sent me a souvenir from a recent trip of his to Berlin. 400 B&H, now that's more like it and should keep me going for about a week. He also sent me something which he says is great for cleaning shower heads, something called Zyklon B. Apparently they'd been using it in Germany for years until the EU stopped them making it, although I can't see the connection between the pictures of dead insects on the carton and shower heads, plus the container looks a bit out of date to me. Still it's nice of Benny to think of me, but that little gift will probably end up being tucked under the sink and forgotten about.
Got a call from Councillor Liebeman last night. I hadn't heard from him for a while, but it seems with the ceasefire in Lebanon he's got a bit more time to himself. He reckons he's come across some Kosher Cadbury's Milk Tray and Pepsi Max. Now I'm not sure about this, last time he got hold of some Milk Tray it was a bit iffy and we ended up donating it to some charity called Chocolates For Africa or something. It's not as if I have access to the secret bank account in Geneva anymore so money is tight. I'll pop round there tonight and have a look at a sample or two.
OK, got to keep those wheels rolling, I think I'll sneak up to the psycho ward and see what's going on.

Shalom

Come Fly With Me
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Comb and Paper
I am feeling so f***ing lazy today that you're lucky I've even bothered to turn on the computer to update.
I had a very peaceful day yesterday which I spent in a nice dark room stroking my Uzi, and listening to some Clodagh Rodgers...or was it Ted Rogers...I can't remember...must have been those Jamaican Woodbines I was smoking, got them cheap off some Rasta geezer down Brixton way, he told me that after they stopped making Woodbines in the UK, they moved production down to Kingston, Jamaica. Like anything else they move to another factory, it never tastes quite the same, although I must admit the tobacco they use in these ones did mellow me out a fair bit. Smelt a bit different too, reminded me of Amsterdam for some reason, and seeing as I've never been there that's pretty amazing.
So when I got to work today I was pretty spaced out, I'd spent the trip to work listening to Bob Marley on my Bike's built in Stereo system and so far I've spent the whole day calling everybody "man" and laughing to myself. I'd better watch it otherwise I might end up in the psycho ward, although seeing as I'm banned from there for abusing the patients I should be safe. One of the other blokes here reckons I should keep out of the way, I'm acting as if I'm on drugs or something and he'd hate for me to fall foul of a random check. Apparently operating a trolley under the influence has been an offence since the great hospital trolley disaster at St George's in Tooting a few years back. No problem for me anyway, I know how to get round these tests, and at the end of the day, my mysterious ID card will get me off the hook.
So I think I'll take that blokes advice and nip down to the Morgue for some peace and quiet, see if I can find some nice easy listening music to chill out to while I'm in there. I'm pretty sure I left an old Englebert tape down there somewhere.

Shalom

Fly Me To The Moon
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Ena Sharples
Oh my aching head...had a heavy day ciphering messages back to the Homeland, and thought I'd have a couple of Tesco Economy Shandies to pass the time. That stuff is evil let me tell you, must have at least 0.1% alcohol in them. Lucky I never went out for a bike ride last night, I don't think even that mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it would have helped me avoid arrest for some sort of drunken behaviour.
Of course the best way to chase away a hangover after such a heavy session is to have a nice hot Bagel, but because I'm feeling like shit, I can't even be bothered to ride up to Brick Lane and get any. The Tossers won't deliver so I'm stuck with this pounding headache.
So what's been going on in the world since I knocked back the Beer? Well it looks like we've got fed up kicking Arab Butt and from tomorrow we're not going to blow up any more of them in Lebanon. I'm pretty disappointed to tell the truth. Nothing like a nice bit of action to toughen the boys up. It was a regular thing in my day of course, if we weren't fighting a war, we'd be doing things like leaping out of planes without parachutes, and being measured up for the latest designer black gear while having to remember 42 digit Swiss Bank account numbers so we got paid when we were out and about. Just goes to show you how things change, I can't even remember my PIN for my cashpoint card these days. Benny offered to tattoo it onto my arm recently but I don't think so. If I was going to have one of those, I'd have had it done years ago, always fancied having some sort of Shark somewhere on my body. Pity I can't remember that Bank Account number, I vaguely recall having a flat in Geneva and I'm sure the rent is due.
I think I'm going to spend the rest of the day locked up in a dark room until this hangover passes. Sort of reminds me of when I was doing covert missions, and of my time working for that Underground Railway in the London area. Many's the time I would cower in a darkened carriage carrying out some sort of surveillance while those around me worked. I was doing it for their own security, not that they appreciated it at the time the Bastards.

Shalom

I'm Mandy Fly Me
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Penny Whistle
I took a trip out to Fairoaks this morning to see how the new security arrangements are working out. It looks like the lads there have got it working much better than those muppets at Heathrow, but I suppose the fact that you only have top secret spying missions flying out of there helps. Still I took along a few Tesco and Sainsbury's bags along with me just in case. It'll be nice to know they're there when I next fly out.
It's not only airports that are suffering either. The new Russian security detail have set up some new measures of their own at the Synagogue. Just like an airport you can't take any liquids into the building, which upset Mr Mikelstein who likes to take a little refreshment in with him to make the whole thing bearable. The thing that has pissed me off the most though is their claim that only specially screened skull caps can be worn. They'll rent them to you at a fiver a service, and they make sure they get them back as soon as that idiot Goldberg finishes his sermon. It's a real rip off, especially as I'd had a special Kevlar one made just for me. Well you never know when someone is going to take a pot shot at you.
I'll be spending the rest of the day making up a coded message for Tel Aviv. There's an interesting new Bedpan design which is being tried out at the hospital. Shaped just like Osama Bin Laden's head and it's proving very popular, especially the fact that you do your business through his open mouth. It also has the added bonus that the turban part provides some nice cushioning to your nether regions.

Shalom

I'm leaving on a Jet Plane
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The French Horn
All go yesterday at the airports eh. Looks like my plastic bags were a big hit, maybe I should put Benny onto it, looks like there's a slot in the market for see through luggage.
Of course airport security is not what it was, when I was doing my summer job at JFK all those years ago these scumbags wouldn't have stood a chance. My Mossad training meant I could sniff out a terrorist from 100 yards and they all look the same anyway, normally some f***ing Arab. I remember Mossad gave us really nice suits to wear, and we looked much trendier and smarter than our CIA comrades over at the US airline check in desks. Just goes to show, you can't beat a Jewish tailor.
Of course I've been involved in terrorist events at airports, my actions in the famous massacre attempt at Fairoaks is the stuff of legends. I actually got my picture on the noticeboard at the Mossad HQ in Tel Aviv, although some joker put it directly next to the one of Carlos The Jackal, they were jokers down there, still makes me laugh to this day.
Anyway it's just as well I'm not going to be flying for a little while, my terrorist detector would be going into overdrive, and I haven't got the time to work out how to smuggle all my gadgets onto a plane including my fold up Uzi. I sure as hell ain't going to put it in my luggage, some of those baggage handlers are well dodgy if you ask me, as far as I know none of them are Jewish, and if they are they don't use the same synagogue as me.
I'm glad it's the weekend coming up, could do with a break, plus I'm falling behind a bit with my dispatches to the Homeland. There's quite a lot I need to inform them of, it's putting it into the latest code that's taking the time. typical bureaucrats, you get used to one way of doing things then they come along and change it. You can tell they've never been in the field.

Shalom

Airport
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Violin
Don't you just hate early morning phone calls? There I was tucked up in bed, holding on tight to my Action Man (you know the one with the Eagle Eyes and the 14 different phrases such as "Officer you can shove that Breath testing kit up your arse, I work for Mossad")who I'd specially dressed up in his own little black outfit when out of the blue I heard the phone ring. What pissed me off the most was that it wasn't the Tel Aviv hotline, but my normal BT one. Now normally I'd ignore it, I've had enough drunks call me up in the middle of the night telling me they think their next door neighbour is a Russian spy, but for some reason I decided to answer it.
Well you could have knocked me down with a stale Bagel, it was the Duty Trolley Manager and he wanted me to get down to the Hospital quick, and to bring the fastest VW in the west. Something was going on down at Heathrow. Well I leapt out of bed, obviously it was all hands to the pumps down at the Hospital and I'd no doubt that a special Operating Theatre had been put aside for me to work in. I was in the VW as quick as a flash and revved it up as I left the driveway. I was racing through the dark deserted streets of Tooting at speeds which at times must have approached 35 MPH. The DTM was waiting for me at the door with a few boxes which obviously contained some sort of high tech gear. He told me to stay in the car while he loaded them, mumbling something about some terrorist thing at Heathrow and special security measures. I sat in the VW feeling smug as at last my talents were being recognised. When there's a crisis in town only the best will do. Telling me to put Pedal to the Metal I sped off for the Airport. Well I wish I could say it was a smooth ride but do you know how badly Heathrow is signposted from Hammersmith? I must have driven round there about 4 times and even thought about taking the Underground but that wasn't an option as it was closed. The VW does have a GPS system but I don't know how it works, never had to bother with it, I'm normally driven to and from my secret ops. Anyway I got there eventually, a harried looking cop picked up the boxes and told me to f***off back to London. A fine way to treat a fellow security officer I must say. What was in those boxes? Turns out that all I was moving was boxes of plastic bags. Still, played my part in a national security crisis and for that I'm quite proud, even better the DTM gave me the rest of the day off.

Shalom

Off Duty
Now Playing: The Kazoo
I don't think I'm gathering much intelligence at the Hospital at the moment. It's the usual routine of pushing people from one room to another, making sure I don't snag Mr Smith's Colostomy bag in the lift doors on the way, or accidently shoving some dirty stinking tramp into the bin. I'm not sure what benefits the homeland's health service is going to reap from my time here. Yes I've learnt a lot about what makes a good Hospital trolley, but that's hardly rocket science, all you need is four good wheels and a little bracket for your Uzi. I would steer clear of those companies who make the trolleys for Supermarkets as well as Hospitals though. They may be cheap but their trolleys have a mind of their own.
Anyway, last night while I was turning my latest dispatch to my masters back home into an unbreakable code, I was thinking where did it all go wrong. Not so long ago I was doing a great job on an Underground railway somewhere in London. There I was regarded as the master in motivation, and was always ready with a word or two for anyone who would listen. Now I feel like an outcast. I'm not allowed to talk to the patients as my boss thinks I talk too much. The only ones I can communicate with are normally deaf, and even they struggle as Mossad's unique sign language is only understood by an elite few. I think I might ask for a change in assignment, although the only way I managed that before was to get myself deliberately fired from my last one.
I guess all this has come up because Benny seems to be doing so well. I see his outfits all the time on TV, although I do get annoyed that the programmes seem to have been shot almost exclusively in trendy Black and White. What has struck me the most is how many skinny people wearing Benny's outfits manage to get together in one place. It's a testament to his marketing I suppose although making out they're being shot is taking things a little too far.
Ok, time to dig out the Mountain bike and do what Floyd Landis couldn't do without taking some sort of additive in his Orange Juice. That's right I'm off to Tesco's in Croydon.

Shalom

I've got the NHS Blues
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The Glockenspiel
I hate my job, but then again don't we all? It seems like my idea for the all black uniform (including mask) has been turned down. They reckon it'd be too expensive but I can't see that. The uniforms wouldn't need cleaning so much as black doesn't show up the dirt, and trust me working in the NHS these days is a pretty dirty job.
I don't know why I bother making all these suggestions if they're never going to take them up, my idea for bugging all the phones was rejected on the grounds of infringing people's rights, but I can't see that argument, listening in to other people's conversations is all part of the fun. Don't even start me on my idea for issuing all Hospital staff with Uzi's and Tazer guns, I was even willing to do all the training myself to help save the odd shekel or two. So I've decided I won't bother coming forward with any more ideas, I'll keep them to myself, and the next time the Hospital is having a spot of bother down in A&E instead of wading in and sorting it out, they can go and kiss my arse.
Had a surprise phone call from Benny last night, his last little clothing collection has gone down really well in countries where genocide is a popular pastime. He was a little regretful that he hadn't come up with the idea years ago as he'd be a millionaire by now. He's enjoying life at the moment it seems and wants to know if I'd like to team up with him again. we haven't really worked together since the Iranian embassy siege all those years ago, and even then it was a cock up. You may have seen the picture on the website where he is allegedly using a stun Bagel. Well if truth be told he'd brought his lunchbox instead of the stun Bagel box so what we threw in there was a Ham and Cheese Bagel. It was on the turn though so chucked up a bit, no wonder the terrorists cleared out pronto, even I couldn't handle being in the same room as that for more than five seconds. Ahhhh, happy memories.

Shalom