Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hopscotch
I didn't realise it, but it was Baywatch Marathon day on the TV yesterday so I ended up glued to the TV until about midnight. That David Hasselhof was one cool guy, and this series should be compulsory viewing at the Mossad training academy, our future agents can learn a lot from him, particularly about operating in sandy conditions.
I've got a bit of a hangover this morning as I hit the Carlsberg in a big way and must have polished off at least two cans. I was so out of it at one stage that I had a dream that I was on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final...but of course now I'm awake I know that was no dream, it actually happened.
I'm going to be stuck in front of the TV all day again today, as one of the channels that I can pick up on my massive satellite dish is having a day of programmes about the Six Day War. I'm hoping to catch a shot or two of me in action as after all it was by my efforts alone that we managed to finish the thing off so quickly. If I remember I had a ticket to go and see Fulham/Chelsea play, and once I've made a commitment I don't like to break it, especially if money has changed hands. If we'd followed the Generals' master plan we'd still be fighting the bloody thing now. Fortunately my lads knew a good leader when they saw one and we pressed on without a break enabling me to make Craven Cottage for the kick off.
Anyway I'm off to find some headache tablets.

Shalom

Off to see The Wizard
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hide and Seek
Synagogue day today, and boy was it f***ing boring. Why does Goldberg get paid? Rattling on about some fairy story from thousands of years ago. I'm sure if we could transport some Mossad Operatives back to when all this allegedly happened, we'd discover what a pack of lies it all was, plus we'd probably have taken this Jesus geezer out with a head shot while we were at it.
Synagogue though isn't about religion for most of us, it's about networking and making money. In the past I've picked up a couple of useful contracts from just standing there with a skull cap on my head as my reputation is second to none. I'm sure there are other ex Mossad operatives attending, but I think I get most of the business. Of course there is also the Saturday Black Market in Bagels which is always quite cloak and dagger...reminds me of my training to an extent.
I've a feeling that this weekend is going to be pretty quiet. There have been no communications from my masters back in the homeland, and I'm trying to save money so I can afford another box of B&H. The audition for that TV show is rumoured to be being held abroad, so I'm hoping that they give us time off to hit the duty free shop at some stage, this time I think I'll stock up big time...sold myself a bit short when I went there with Benny a few months back.
OK, Baywatch is about to start, it's an interesting show from a security officer's viewpoint and I'm hoping to learn something off of David Hasselhof. I've always been intrigued with how he manages to sort things out wearing only a pair of swimming trunks and having lots of women in Bikinis running up and down. He is a true master and I'd better watch and learn.

Shalom

I have News!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Tommy Cooper sings Sinatra
Managed to keep the thieving gippos away from anything of value yesterday. Those bastards try every trick in the book, but they don't normally come across someone like me. It only took me to open my mouth and they were off "like a Rat out of an Aqueduct" as they said in that movie about me all those years ago.
When I got home last night there was a letter waiting for me. Looks like Benny has managed to fix things and I've been asked to attend an audition as an extra on Celebrity Concentration Camp. It'll only be for a weekend as they want to separate the strong from the weak. So next week I have to cycle down to Wimbledon station and they'll take care of things from there. It means I may go missing for a few days from here, but rest assured I'll be back. Now for a weekend trip I couldn't believe what they've asked me to bring. I'm to stuff a saddlebag full of valuable items. No liquids or gels will be allowed though as they are a security risk apparently so there goes my Brylcreem. I'm assuming therefore they will be providing any toiletries we may require, I'll have to get hold of Benny and see what he can tell me. The TV company are also providing all travel costs, food, drinks and accommodation which means it'll be a cheap weekend and it won't cost me a shekel. I can't wait to tell the truth, I can't believe I'm going to be on TV if I pass the audition.
The NHS transfer day passed off without any changes here. The deal for the Polish porter fell through when somebody here realised that he was not as good at creative accounting as one of the Nigerians, and boy do the Hospital finances need some of that. So we decided to keep them both even though they earn 25p an hour more. Pity really as I'm sure I would find the Pole sleeping in the locker room all the time.
Anyway better start planning for my trip next week, I'm so excited.

Shalom

Transfer Deadline Day
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Musical Chairs
Well the pursuit of cheap fags was all for nothing yesterday. I rushed down to the canteen expecting to get a good deal on some cheap B&H and ended up being pretty appalled at what I saw. Yep, you guessed it, it wasn't some cheap ciggies that were going spare. Instead it was some Yank who was pimping cheap Rent Boys. I didn't know anything about it until I heard a load of geezers having a good laugh as I entered the room to be confronted by a load of poofs in leather trousers with the arse cut out of them "for easy access". I haven't moved so quickly to get out of somewhere in my entire life. Not even that time when Ronnie "did" that geezer in the pub in Whitechapel. Needless to say I'm now taking a fair bit of stick from the other lads. But they make us tough in Mossad and I'll be fine, but the others will regret their action in time believe me. Could be time to call in the lads with the dodgy black cars...we'll see.
Of course today is the big day when the transfer window shuts, and Hospitals around the country have to make their pick of the Porters for the year ahead. There's been no speculation linking me with anywhere, but I'm already at a big Hospital so going elsewhere would be like a demotion. I hear we're trying to trade a couple of our Nigerian lads for a Polish bloke who works at the Royal Free, but until it all gets confirmed in writing it's all speculation. If the DTM calls a meeting later today then I'll know something is going on. I don't really go in for all the gossip surrounding this, gossip isn't my thing, as an intelligence officer I'm only interested in hard facts such as the price of Bagels at the Bagel Bake.
Well it's that time of the week again when the local "Gippos" come and have a look at some of the crap we're getting rid of. You have to watch those gits like a hawk though, the other week they tried to smuggle an MRI scanner out of here. Would have succeeded to but they couldn't get it in the back of their van, despite getting a couple of our lads to help them. Thieving bastards they are, and you can bet your bottom Shekel I'll be keeping an Eagle Eye on them.

Shalom

Can I ponce a fag mate?
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bernie Winter's and Schnorbitz's funniest moments
Not got much time today, there's a rumour flying about that someone is going to be selling cheap fags down in the canteen. I'm running low so he'd better have some B&H on him. Smoking so much is killing me in more ways than one, my wallet is struggling. So much so that I've actually started to try and ponce fags off of people, which is something I don't normally do, but a free fag here and there does help, plus for some of the bastards it's actually payback time for all the freebies I've given them.
There's an art to poncing fags, and it's something I learnt while working for the Underground Railway in the London area. There was a real expert there who worked his way around the entire workforce scrounging a fag here or there. He figured that if he scrounged one fag off of each smoker nobody would notice so much, and to a degree he was right. Mind you he hit paydirt when some scrawny little git arrived from one of the other locations and in an effort to win popularity dished out fags galore, even I joined in with that one. That geezer never did win any popularity contests, but the free ciggies were nice.
Still on Bin detail which means I haven't had the chance to really give the fastest trolley in the NHS a workout since it had the new sports tyres fitted. Sometimes I'll place a couple of the small office bins on there and take it for a spin, but you can't beat the dead weight of someone lying on your trolley to help out the performance. I'm hoping that next week we can really begin to see what it can do, I'm due a break from moving crap about.
OK, well my vibrator is going off which means it's fag time down in the canteen, I'm off to get first dibs on the B&H.

Shalom

Busy doing nothing
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: William Shatner's Greatest Hits
This f***ing day is dragging. When I got in this morning the DTM asked me to carry on working in the bin section as I'd made such a good job of it last week. What does he think I am...a f***ing African! It's costing me a fortune to work down there, I must be getting through at least 50 fags a day, and seeing as my latest Star Of David care package hasn't arrived from Jerusalem yet I'm having to buy my own. I really need to do a quick jaunt over to France or Belgium for a quick restock. Maybe I can persuade Benny to take his vintage VW over there. From what I hear he's been taking quite an interest in the Ardennes area.
Still nothing from that TV company about their new reality show, that's another reason I need to get hold of Benny, he seems to know a lot of what's going on with that, and I'd really like to take part. I'd be a natural, better than some of those ponces you have on TV now. Just look at 'em...Graham Norton, Julian Clary, That bloke who used to have his arm shoved up Gordon The Gopher's arse, and to top it all Noel Edmonds. I tell you, a more talentless bunch I couldn't name. Then you look at my background and it just doesn't compare, and yes I do have previous acting experience. Many years ago I appeared in the famous Egyptian soap opera "How Yellow Is My Desert", it was only a cameo appearance as a Tank driver but I received lots of good reviews for it...no awards though...thieving Arab bastards.
Well it's time for me to sift through the rubbish to see what I can find, might get lucky and find a few old dog ends.

Shalom

Bank Holiday Blues
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Clodagh Rodgers Greatest Hits.
Bah, it's a Bank Holiday and I've got to work. Why can't people get sick during normal working hours? That way I'd be down B&Q and IKEA with the rest of you, buying paint and furniture which I'd never work out how to put together.
Still that's the problem with working for the ever available NHS. You're at the beck and call of the taxpayer...ungrateful bastard that he is.
Checking out the news today, what's with these bins that weigh your rubbish without you knowing about it? It's something I'm surprised Mossad scientists hadn't developed, I'm sure there would have been situations it would have come in useful. Working at the hospital does have its advantages though, I won't be paying for my crap to be taken away, those nice big bins at the back of the building will be seeing a lot of me.
It's really tough to get going on a day like this, I'm just glad it's not too hot though as I've got Milk Tray boxes piled high in the corridor at home and I'd be worried about them melting. Never did get around to making any deliveries this weekend, maybe I'll stuff a few down my own face but not too many, a secret agent that can't squeeze through the smallest openings is no good to anyone.
Anyway I think I'll kick back and relax for a while today, I've a feeling I've a busy week coming up so I'll need all the rest I can get.

Shalom

Sunday Sunday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tombola
You know there's nothing like a nice warmed up Bagel. Even better is a nice warmed up Bagel with Bacon on a Saturday. Illegal pleasures are the best.
I didn't bother going out delivering Milk Tray last night, just couldn't be arsed. There's always been something about working Saturday nights that doesn't appeal to me, it was the same when I worked on that Underground Railway network somewhere in London, although my mates there reckon I was like that all the time. Cheeky bastards, as I've said before intelligence gathering takes time and patience, I just didn't have the time to do any physical labour in between.
Today I think I'll just be hanging around in my Marks and Spencer Underpants just catching up with the latest news, not that there is much of that. The Homeland vs Hezbollah thing rumbles on but it's getting boring now. It never developed into proper action, and I really think the Israeli youth of today are missing out on something there. Nothing like being under fire to find out what you're really made of. Look at me, I've been fired at so many times, even when checking in for a plane. It helped me develop the personality and character that has allowed me to undertake some of the toughest jobs known to Man such as pulling points and pushing round Hospital trolleys. You develop Cat like instincts as a result, and I must admit I have to be alert at all times of the day. You never know when someone might take a pot shot at you.
OK, time to change the tape in the video, I think I might watch a Hollywood remake of one of my exploits..."Cockleshell Heroes" it is.

Shalom

Please Release Me
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window
I'll try and keep it brief today as I've just got back from the Synagogue and I've managed to obtain some illegal Bagels that I want to warm up in the Microwave before they go stale.
Retrieved my trolley from Kwik Fits yesterday. The new tyres are a vast improvement and I must say the thing corners and holds the corridor much better than it did before. To me that's money well spent and my future clients will certainly appreciate it.
The Russian security bods that Goldberg hired are beginning to piss people off a bit. It seems that the Skull Cap rental scam they've been running was just the tip of the iceberg. They've now come up with a fast track scheme for Synagogue entry where if you cross their palms with a few extra roubles you bypass the queue. Mind you it might be worth it as you do get a free paper Skull Cap which is yours to keep and reuse. I'll give that some thought, the extra Shekels I'm forking out in rental fees is hitting my budget a bit. On top of that the bastards are always taking my Pepsi Max off of me, and I need that to stay awake as Goldberg is not the most entertaining Rabbi in the world.
I don't have much planned this weekend, if the weather is OK I might do a Milk Tray run tonight. Hopefully lots of single women will be heeding the advice of the Met Police Commissioner and leaving their front doors unlocked. It's much easier to get in that way than abseiling down the side of a building and hoping to find a window open. I'm fully equipped for the task though, and am prepared to parachute on top of a cable car if that's what it takes, although there aren't many of those in Tooting.
OK Microwave has gone ding, time for Bagels.

Shalom

Movie madness
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Pooh Sticks
I've said it before and I'll say it again...when are those Hollywood C***s going to think up their own ideas for a film. The latest example is that one called "Snakes On A Plane".Now the matter of a couple of crates of Snakes being able to run rampage on a 747 is a little far fetched, what amazes me is that there is always an armed Hollywood star on there to take care of the problem. But the thing that gets me is where they got the idea from, and I'm sorry to say that once again it's based on one of my exploits.
It was back in the early 70's and when I wasn't working my shift for the Underground Railway based somewhere in London, I'd be doing the London to Tel Aviv run as a part time Air Marshal for El Al. On that particular day I'd overseen the arrival of our motley crew of passengers and everything was set for a smooth ride to the Homeland. It was like that until about a couple of hours into the flight, the Mossad trained flight attendants were just about to start serving the food when one of them noticed something odd about one of the dishes. I was summoned to have a look and at that precise moment we hit some turbulence and the food trolley took off. It went flying down the gangway spilling its contents over the unfortunate passengers. This caused a bit of a panic because it turned out we'd been given the wrong food trolley, and instead of it having lots of nice Kosher stuff we'd ended up with a load of Pork Steaks. The incident is still referred to as the Steaks On A Plane, and Samuel L Jackson rips off my famous line of "Get these Motherf***ing Steaks off of this motherf***ing plane" which was the last thing I'd said before the trolley took off.
Anyway enough moaning, I've got to go and pick up my trolley from Kwik Fits and get it back to the Hospital.

Shalom

Mixed Emotions
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Basketball
I'm a bit of a mixed bag today. My team Fulham/Chelsea didn't really do too well last night and the lads are giving me a fair bit of stick for it. On top of that Maccabi Tel Aviv lost to that bunch of car thieves the other day. I hate Football, can't wait until the Badger hunting season starts up again.
Still while watching the games on Teletext last night I did get a phone call from Benny. He's slowly coming back into the fold, that new business of his is doing wonders for him, and his involvement in that new TV station is also helping. If you remember I asked for more details about Celebrity Concentration Camp. Now Benny is a bit of an insider as to what is going on with that. Apparently the station can't believe the amount of interest that is being shown by the general public, but when you think about it it's got more going for it than that Big Brother show. Anyway the search for a host goes on, the latest names to come to the fore are Russell Grant and Dale Winton. It's unlikely that the show will move further forward until a host gets picked, that's why I haven't heard back from the producers. Benny though has offered to fast track me through the selection process once they get the go ahead. What a mate eh?
At work I'm still working down by the bins, but it's an easy number and I can smoke myself silly down there. Also had time to pop round to Kwik Fit to see how my trolley's coming along. The tyres are due to arrive later today, and I should be able to pick it up tomorrow. These are exciting times.

Shalom

Big In Japan
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Snakes On A Plane
I check my e-mail with monotonous regularity and one thing has struck me. I've been getting a hell of a lot of stuff from Japan recently, now while I like to get mail it would help if my Mossad decoding software could recognise it, however being cheap bastards and expecting everyone to speak Hebrew or English it can't. So if you're reading this in Japan, write in English you lazy f***ing C***s.
Japan of course is a beautiful country although I haven't been there for some time, I remember it well, I was running a training exercise for new Mossad agents, and we'd picked the Tokyo Subway as the "classroom" for that day, I felt it was about time I put my experience working for an Underground Railway somewhere in London to good use. Well the plan was to release some Hai-Karate or something into the environment to simulate a nerve gas attack. Seems like someone in the stores f***ed up and gave us Sarin instead. Still didn't matter too much as the effects of Hai-Karate and Sarin are very similar in enclosed spaces. Whatever it seems the Japs were a bit alarmed at people falling over dead on their transport system so we had to scurry out of there real quick. Took a few shekels changing hands to get us off the hook and shift the blame to some cranky religious nut over there. That was a bad time for me if I remember correctly as I missed my mate Ronnie's funeral to go to Tokyo. Even more upset when I found out desperate Journalists were offering fifty quid a go for the programmes.
Had a lively exchange with the bullshitting dustman yesterday. He's real entertaining especially when you get him onto his time with MI6. He must think I'm stupid or something, I know he's talking bollocks, who ever heard of a dustman carrying a Walther PPK for instance. I'm just glad that over the years I've been very discreet about my activities, could you imagine what people would think if I told them some of my tales. They'd probably think I was lying.
OK well it's time to get back to work, there's a load of sheets from the psycho ward need cleaning. Apparently having heard about Channel 4's plans to hold a wankathon, big ears has been practicing diligently and even got some sort of competition going up there. It's a pity he's been locked up as I think he would have done rather well and would have been a real hit on Channel 4, especially if he could spend the time gazing at a picture of Reg Holdsworth.

Shalom

Daredevil Dustmen
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: Lethal Weapon
Just a quickie today as the Dustmen are due to pick up some surgical waste so they can dump it in some field somewhere. I have to be on hand to help them load the bags for some reason, didn't realise it was part of my job but as long as I can smoke while doing it I don't have a problem.
I actually like doing this bin job, some of the Dustmen are a good laugh, one of them is a bit of a storyteller too, and he is always entertaining. He reckons he used to be in MI6, and used to throw himself out of planes over Scotland just for the hell of it. Also goes on about how he won the World Darts Championship back in 1973. What a Bullshitter, if he'd actually done all that stuff what's he doing as a Dustman? Now I know I'm in a lowly job at the moment, but it's all for the sake of gathering vital intelligence, what's his excuse?
No response yet from that new TV station about that show I'm interested in appearing in. I guess they've been swamped with applications as a lot of people have cottoned on that this show will make headlines all over the place, and some people are such publicity seekers. I'm just interested in the experience, plus I want to show Kirk Douglas that I'm now doing more TV work than he is. He's become a real lazy bastard over the last few years, while there's me looking to not only hold down my hospital job, but I'm also doing intelligence work for a famous Jewish agency, delivering Chocolates in my spare time, and now I'm hoping to do TV work. There's no rest for the wicked let me tell you.
Kwik Fit tell me the new tyres for my trolley should be in by the end of the week, and seeing as I'm on Bin detail I don't mind waiting. It'll be the sweetest trolley in the NHS once I get it back.
OK, I can hear the dulcet tones of the Dustmen's wagon, time to do some work and have a chat.

Shalom

You're a Star Superstar
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Stars In Their Eyes
Back to work today, didn't get a great reaction from the DTM on my arrival, he had no choice but to accept my explanation that a stale Bagel had laid me low for a couple of days, not sure he was totally convinced as I have never complained about a Bagel before, but there is a first time for everything.
I'm back on Bin duty as a result, he thinks it's a punishment but I actually like it. Unlimited fag breaks and plenty of time to send off all those covert messages to a certain organisation via a Hospital phone line. Also it has come at a good time as my trolley is in for it's 10,000 mile service this week. I'm thinking of having new sports tyres fitted to it although they'll have to be specially ordered as the local Kwik Fit doesn't carry trolley tyres in its normal stock. I think they're missing something there being so close to a hospital and all. The manager tells me they don't get many trolleys in there...well if he carried the parts maybe he would get more. Anyway he's going to find out how long it'll take for the new ones to arrive from Italy before I make a firm order, there's still some tread left on the old ones so it's not urgent.
Sent an e-mail this morning to that new TV station asking for more details about Celebrity Concentration Camp. I've been encouraged to do so by Councillor Liebeman who thinks I could become quite a star by doing it. I'm only going to take part though if there's anybody famous in it, and yes I'm talking of celebs with the status of Michael Fish and that bloke of Big Brother 3 whose name I can't remember but he was in all the papers a few years back. Rumour has it that Anne Robinson has said no to hosting it, but Matthew Kelly is looking for work at the moment so who knows.
Anyway time to roll another Bin out.

Shalom

Name change
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Bay City Roller's Greatest Hit
No sooner than I finished typing yesterday than I got an urgent phone call from Rabbi Goldberg. He wanted to know if I'd mentioned a certain TV station in my regular posts. Of course I had, after all it's always nice to be in at the start of something that's going to be big. Well it turns out that there is already a TV station of that name and it's based in the USA, they are none too happy about a group of UK upstarts using their name, and they are a little concerned about the nature of some of the programming. So a deal has been struck, and the UK station is going to change its name, although to what hasn't been decided yet. I've been advised to remove all references to the station from my postings before some lawyers get on my case.
The phone was busy yesterday as I also got a call from Benny. We don't see as much of each other these days, but he is excited about his role in the TV show Celebrity Concentration Camp. It seems the show has reached an advanced planning stage although they haven't found a host yet. Anne Robinson has been approached as she already owns some black leather coats and that would cut down the wardrobe bill. The venue will be authentic though as the producers have managed to rent part of an old camp somewhere in Poland for a few weeks. On top of that, a major European Train builder has offered to build some carriages to a design that was very popular in 1930's Germany just to add to the realism. Delivery of these though may hold the show up as they are still in the commissioning stage, plus they have other work to do for which they are being paid.
I'm still toying with the idea of going on the show, and have asked the makers for some more information, if anyone else is interested let me know and I'll publish the details here.
OK well I'd better keep the legal eagles happy and remove certain references from here.

Shalom

Server woes
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Chess
Sorry for the late update, when I tried to log in this morning it seemed that my Mossad issued password wasn't accepted. Now if any of you lot have had any experience with Tech support anywhere you know how much grief it can be. Well multiply that tenfold when you have to work with Jewish Technicians on a Saturday in Tel Aviv. F***ing nightmare it was, what with them all claiming via their servants that they're not allowed to work on a Saturday. Still luckily for me I still have contacts over there, and a couple of strategically parked black cars seemed to have cured the problem.
Of course I never knew about all this until I got back from Synagogue. Quite interesting today as Rabbi Goldberg read out a message from a new TV station. They're looking for some extras to appear in their reality show Celebrity Concentration Camp. Seems that only having a dozen celebs stuck in one room isn't realistic enough. So the search is on for 200 willing people who need to lose a bit of weight. You're guaranteed to pick up some appearance money every week, and you're not eligible to be voted off. You also get to keep one of Benny's outfits for your trouble. I'm seriously thinking about putting my name forward. I can survive on a crappy diet, and unlike a lot of people I'm willing to eat bugs and everything to survive. I did manage to last two weeks in the desert with only a plank of wood to eat so it would be a breeze. I'll get some more details and see if I measure up.
OK, I'd better call off the boys in the black cars before they get too trigger happy.

Shalom

TV Times
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Conkers
As I threw a sickie the other day after the bash for the new TV station, I've decided that I might as well take the rest of the week off. Not a problem with the Hospital's absenteeism policy, and anyway I'll just claim it was some super religious holiday that I couldn't miss. They won't know any different plus who else are they going to get to do this job at the rate of pay we get...ok there's about 3,000 poles called John...but who else?
Even if they don't fall for that one, I can always argue that I've been struck down with variable bad back syndrome which like some sort of virus seems to strike everybody in this country at some stage.
Some of you have asked if I'm going to be appearing on the new TV station. Well it'd be nice but unless they run some sort of desert survival skills programme or something about delivering boxes of Milk Tray to unsuspecting women, I doubt it. There's also my Hospital job to consider, they don't like you having two jobs, plus of course if I appeared on TV my cover would be blown. You'd be surprised at how famous I really am. If any of you have access to pictures of the Saturdays Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren went to watch Fulham then you might be able to pick me out in the crowd. I'm the one with the bulge under the jacket.
Benny called last night, he wants to go out for a drink in the near future as he has a new car. Just like me he has got a VW Beetle, although his is one of the original models apparently. He also suggested we take it on a booze cruise as he has made some interesting contacts in France who according to him have something to do with Pens or something. Now I can see the point in shuffling over to France for some cheap fags and duty free Barbican, but a cheap old pen I can pick up off any desk in the Hospital.
Okay well as I'm taking a sickie I might as well take it easy, although Councillor Liebeman is going to drop by with the Milk Tray and Pepsi Max I agreed to buy off him the other night. This stuff looks kosher so it'll be back to intruding on women's bedrooms again real soon. Must make sure I don't pick up the mask with 'Rapist' written on it this time, gave some of them a bit of a fright before.

Shalom

Video Killed The Radio Star
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Marbles
Once again I find myself apologising for missing out on this yesterday, but it was with good reason. Tuesday evening I got a call from the good folks at a new TV station asking me if I wanted to attend their launch party in Golders Green. Well the chance to rub shoulders with the stars and wear my old Tuxedo was too much to resist so I accepted immediately. If the way they treated me is an indication of the professionalism of the station then all of you lot with Sky are in for a treat. They actually sent a Chauffeur driven Tandem to pick me up, and for once the bloke doing the pedaling actually knew the way.
Once I got there the catering was superb. Fresh Bagels from Golders Green's number one bakery just kept on coming, and there was Kosher wine galore, although to tell the truth I'm more of a Martini man but since Ian Fleming nicked the idea for that James Bond character I've played that down a bit. There were plenty of stars there too, I think I recognised Gordon The Gopher but couldn't get near him as he was surrounded by groupies.
So what TV treats does this new TV station have lined up? Well it'll be mixture of old Hebrew TV and some new exciting shows. I'm particularly looking forward to "Israel's Most Wanted", which currently has Osama Bin Laden at the top of their list closely followed by Mel Gibson. Then there are the exciting soap operas such as "Little House On The Gaza Strip" and "Westbankers". Of course there will be the odd reality show too, the first one being "Celebrity Concentration Camp" where once famous fat celebs are put through the sort of regime once employed in Nazi Germany. Every week you get the chance to vote one of them into the Gas Chamber. I noticed that Benny's clothing range will be used in that show.
So after a night supping free wine and eating free bagels I tried to make my way home but apparently I kept falling off of the Tandem. The Chauffeur got a bit pissed off with that and ended up leaving me in a gutter in Tufnell Park so I had to walk home. I never got home until yesterday afternoon and was too f***ing tired to write anything for this. It was worth it though.
So look out for this new TV station on your Sky digital box.

Shalom

I Believe I can fly
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Hopscotch
It's not until you spend a bit of time down the morgue that you realise how cold it is down there. I took up the suggestion of one of my mates and went and hid down there yesterday while I relaxed. Wish I hadn't bothered, I got frostbite in places I didn't think it was possible to get frostbite. If I'd known I'd have got my Mossad cold weather gear out although it might have looked a bit stupid wearing one of those white outfits we used to be issued with for ski-ing in the Alps while walking through the Hospital. No wonder they call dead bodies bloody stiffs, I think I would be if I had to lay around in that for more than a day.
Anyway I've decided that nice as they are, Jamaican Woodbines are a poor imitation of the original, and I'll only be smoking them when I get really desperate. Luckily for me, Benny sent me a souvenir from a recent trip of his to Berlin. 400 B&H, now that's more like it and should keep me going for about a week. He also sent me something which he says is great for cleaning shower heads, something called Zyklon B. Apparently they'd been using it in Germany for years until the EU stopped them making it, although I can't see the connection between the pictures of dead insects on the carton and shower heads, plus the container looks a bit out of date to me. Still it's nice of Benny to think of me, but that little gift will probably end up being tucked under the sink and forgotten about.
Got a call from Councillor Liebeman last night. I hadn't heard from him for a while, but it seems with the ceasefire in Lebanon he's got a bit more time to himself. He reckons he's come across some Kosher Cadbury's Milk Tray and Pepsi Max. Now I'm not sure about this, last time he got hold of some Milk Tray it was a bit iffy and we ended up donating it to some charity called Chocolates For Africa or something. It's not as if I have access to the secret bank account in Geneva anymore so money is tight. I'll pop round there tonight and have a look at a sample or two.
OK, got to keep those wheels rolling, I think I'll sneak up to the psycho ward and see what's going on.

Shalom

Come Fly With Me
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Comb and Paper
I am feeling so f***ing lazy today that you're lucky I've even bothered to turn on the computer to update.
I had a very peaceful day yesterday which I spent in a nice dark room stroking my Uzi, and listening to some Clodagh Rodgers...or was it Ted Rogers...I can't remember...must have been those Jamaican Woodbines I was smoking, got them cheap off some Rasta geezer down Brixton way, he told me that after they stopped making Woodbines in the UK, they moved production down to Kingston, Jamaica. Like anything else they move to another factory, it never tastes quite the same, although I must admit the tobacco they use in these ones did mellow me out a fair bit. Smelt a bit different too, reminded me of Amsterdam for some reason, and seeing as I've never been there that's pretty amazing.
So when I got to work today I was pretty spaced out, I'd spent the trip to work listening to Bob Marley on my Bike's built in Stereo system and so far I've spent the whole day calling everybody "man" and laughing to myself. I'd better watch it otherwise I might end up in the psycho ward, although seeing as I'm banned from there for abusing the patients I should be safe. One of the other blokes here reckons I should keep out of the way, I'm acting as if I'm on drugs or something and he'd hate for me to fall foul of a random check. Apparently operating a trolley under the influence has been an offence since the great hospital trolley disaster at St George's in Tooting a few years back. No problem for me anyway, I know how to get round these tests, and at the end of the day, my mysterious ID card will get me off the hook.
So I think I'll take that blokes advice and nip down to the Morgue for some peace and quiet, see if I can find some nice easy listening music to chill out to while I'm in there. I'm pretty sure I left an old Englebert tape down there somewhere.

Shalom