Hello, Hello I'm back again
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: Gary Glitter's Favourite Videos
Well after almost two weeks away I'm back. The TV show experience has given me a lot to think about. I think I was doing pretty well until I knocked off that Burger place but we'll see. Competition was tough, there were some real experts in there, the mob from the Karen Carpenter fan club were particularly good at getting by with no grub. I managed to go three days without eating my bed, which I thought was pretty good.
Benny has written a couple of things since I've been gone I've noticed, and it's good to see he's been taking care of business. He's not a bad geezer overall, even though he's got a bit too much into this Aryan racing thing for my liking, why he can't like Formula 1 like the rest of us is beyond me. Always has to be different he does, that's why he never quite got as far as me in Mossad.
I'll write more about my TV experience over the next few days, but I'm a bit on the smelly side as the accommodation was crap. They had showers there but they never seemed to work, and from my expert eye I had my suspicion that they'd used a load of cowboy plumbers to do the pipe work and the dozy bastards had connected the water pipes to the gas mains. I think the producers will be looking to get that put right before the show airs properly. Over a thousand people attended the camp for the week, although it had been whittled down to about 150 by the end of the audition. Some people never even made it through the gates, being selected for 'special treatment' when the train arrived. Never saw those people again...I suspect they were sent straight back to the UK.
Anyway I'm going to be spending the day hosing myself off, and it's back to work tomorrow. Once I'm cleaner I'll go into more detail about the audition.

Shalom

UPDATE INFO
We've just heard that a Helicopter and some Milk Tray have been reported missing from the Dover area. Could be that our man is back in town and ready to make regular updates again. I suspect things should start getting back to normal this week so watch this space.
If anyone is reading this from the Kent coast we would like to know if Pepsi Max has been hard to come by this weekend as that will offer us further clues, also could you scour the papers for any reports of a man dressed in black hovering around women's bedrooms flashing an ID card with a Star Of David on it, any sightings would be appreciated.

Keep Taking The Tablets

ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Well I've heard the auditions are over, and that the surviving and successful candidates for TV's wackiest new reality show are on their way back. However rumour reaches me that our man may not have been in the convoy that left the set the other day. There are tales of a daring escape, and a raid on the local "Burger King" which fits our man's MO to a tee, so it may have been the case that a Bacon Double Cheeseburger was too much for him to resist, still a week without a Bagel can have that affect on a man.
Anyway, I'm sure once he has realised that everyone else has left he'll be on his way back and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible on here.

Keep wearing the Jack Boots

Benny

A MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Our man is still away so it looks like his TV career could be about to take off.
I would not be surprised if he becomes the star of the show, his engaging personality, sharp wit, and intelligent well informed conversation and opinion will make him stand out.
As I don't know how much longer he'll be away, I'll do my best to keep you all informed, but feel free to send any messages of support to the normal address.

BENNY

Taking a break
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Noughts and Crosses
Well the big day has arrived and I'm off to catch the train from Wimbledon Station.
It's nice to be able to take a break, not just from work, but also from keeping my eyes on what else is going on in the world, at least until the end of next week.
Benny has suggested that he might do some work on the site which will all be unveiled on my return. Be nice to see what he has in store, but if anyone has any ideas you can contact Benny at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk and I'm sure he'll see what he can do.
Anyway farewell and thanks for all the fish.

Shalom

This is very short
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Blue Peter Volume 67
Just a very short note today, I've got to go home and pack, plus I'm playing a touch of hide and seek with Hospital security. Apparently me tapping into the Hospital's wireless thing is frowned upon, and they consider it virtually a hanging offence. So I'm typing this from a broom closet down near the Morgue, it's always nice and quiet down here.
It's my last day today before i go down to Wimbledon Station and join up with everyone else trying out for that TV show I've been going on about. It's always a hassle deciding what to take and I asked Benny for some advice. he told me to take as much as I could cram into a suitcase, he also told me that anything I could shove up my arse would be useful too. Strange but I'll bear that in mind. Mossad operatives are trained to carry things up their back passages so I won't find it too demanding. You'd be amazed what I can hide up there.
Anyway better go, I can hear footsteps in the corridor, man these guys are good.

Shalom

Wireless discovery
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Barbara Streisand's "Songs From The Egyptian Front"
Morning all, I made a discovery yesterday which while it might not be mind blowing was good news for me. I worked out a way in which I can hook up to the Internet without using any cables! I know Mossad scientists have been working on the idea for some time, but it seems like the geezers in Tandy's beat them to it. Now I have the freedom to update this any place I want.
So today I've decided to type away at this in the place where I do all my best work...that's right the bog! I try to wait until I get to the hospital before I take a dump, that way I save on bog paper, plus it's the hospital's water bill taking the hit from my multiple flushes. To save the battery on my little laptop I can also run the power cord out to that little shaving socket that they put over the sink but nobody ever uses...I'm a winner all round with this.
One of the joys of being on general pushing duties is that I can wheel aimlessly around the hospital and everyone thinks I'm busy so they leave me alone. As a result I've left some tasty skidmarks on some of the corridor floors where I've done screeching starts with my new tyres, even managed a wheelie with it. If I'm ever stopped I just say I'm on my way to X-Ray or Geriatrics, basically whichever department is furthest away from my location at the time. It's a little trick I picked up while working for that Underground railway located somewhere in London.
Anyway time to wrap up, someone's just come in to use the Urinal and tripped over the power cord, better get out of here before my battery runs down too much.

Shalom

Knackered
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Roullette
Man I'm what could best be called as tired as a dog. I spent the whole day yesterday watching all that stuff about the Six Day War. I taped it all and then replayed it in slow motion to see if I was in any of the action shots. Well I didn't see me so I guess I was edited out for security reasons. Very responsible of the producers even if it was all a bit of a let down for me.
I'm finally off of the Bin run at work and have been put on general trolley duties this week. This means that I have a free rein around the hospital so I can look busy by just pushing my trolley around aimlessly and avoid all the proper work. Must admit that today that idea appeals to me, couldn't face having to try and be nice to people who are being wheeled into an operating theatre. Christ knows why they are so f***ing nervous, you never saw any of that sort of fear in the eyes of Israeli Soldiers when they were wheeled into the MASH unit I worked in. There it was all hands to the pump, and I pitched in with a couple of life saving heart transplants when needed. Mind you you had less chance of catching MRSA in an Israeli MASH tent, and having see the way our cleaners perform maybe I can understand our clients fears a bit more now I come to think about it.
Anyway better push on as they say here.

Shalom

Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hopscotch
I didn't realise it, but it was Baywatch Marathon day on the TV yesterday so I ended up glued to the TV until about midnight. That David Hasselhof was one cool guy, and this series should be compulsory viewing at the Mossad training academy, our future agents can learn a lot from him, particularly about operating in sandy conditions.
I've got a bit of a hangover this morning as I hit the Carlsberg in a big way and must have polished off at least two cans. I was so out of it at one stage that I had a dream that I was on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final...but of course now I'm awake I know that was no dream, it actually happened.
I'm going to be stuck in front of the TV all day again today, as one of the channels that I can pick up on my massive satellite dish is having a day of programmes about the Six Day War. I'm hoping to catch a shot or two of me in action as after all it was by my efforts alone that we managed to finish the thing off so quickly. If I remember I had a ticket to go and see Fulham/Chelsea play, and once I've made a commitment I don't like to break it, especially if money has changed hands. If we'd followed the Generals' master plan we'd still be fighting the bloody thing now. Fortunately my lads knew a good leader when they saw one and we pressed on without a break enabling me to make Craven Cottage for the kick off.
Anyway I'm off to find some headache tablets.

Shalom

Off to see The Wizard
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hide and Seek
Synagogue day today, and boy was it f***ing boring. Why does Goldberg get paid? Rattling on about some fairy story from thousands of years ago. I'm sure if we could transport some Mossad Operatives back to when all this allegedly happened, we'd discover what a pack of lies it all was, plus we'd probably have taken this Jesus geezer out with a head shot while we were at it.
Synagogue though isn't about religion for most of us, it's about networking and making money. In the past I've picked up a couple of useful contracts from just standing there with a skull cap on my head as my reputation is second to none. I'm sure there are other ex Mossad operatives attending, but I think I get most of the business. Of course there is also the Saturday Black Market in Bagels which is always quite cloak and dagger...reminds me of my training to an extent.
I've a feeling that this weekend is going to be pretty quiet. There have been no communications from my masters back in the homeland, and I'm trying to save money so I can afford another box of B&H. The audition for that TV show is rumoured to be being held abroad, so I'm hoping that they give us time off to hit the duty free shop at some stage, this time I think I'll stock up big time...sold myself a bit short when I went there with Benny a few months back.
OK, Baywatch is about to start, it's an interesting show from a security officer's viewpoint and I'm hoping to learn something off of David Hasselhof. I've always been intrigued with how he manages to sort things out wearing only a pair of swimming trunks and having lots of women in Bikinis running up and down. He is a true master and I'd better watch and learn.

Shalom

I have News!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Tommy Cooper sings Sinatra
Managed to keep the thieving gippos away from anything of value yesterday. Those bastards try every trick in the book, but they don't normally come across someone like me. It only took me to open my mouth and they were off "like a Rat out of an Aqueduct" as they said in that movie about me all those years ago.
When I got home last night there was a letter waiting for me. Looks like Benny has managed to fix things and I've been asked to attend an audition as an extra on Celebrity Concentration Camp. It'll only be for a weekend as they want to separate the strong from the weak. So next week I have to cycle down to Wimbledon station and they'll take care of things from there. It means I may go missing for a few days from here, but rest assured I'll be back. Now for a weekend trip I couldn't believe what they've asked me to bring. I'm to stuff a saddlebag full of valuable items. No liquids or gels will be allowed though as they are a security risk apparently so there goes my Brylcreem. I'm assuming therefore they will be providing any toiletries we may require, I'll have to get hold of Benny and see what he can tell me. The TV company are also providing all travel costs, food, drinks and accommodation which means it'll be a cheap weekend and it won't cost me a shekel. I can't wait to tell the truth, I can't believe I'm going to be on TV if I pass the audition.
The NHS transfer day passed off without any changes here. The deal for the Polish porter fell through when somebody here realised that he was not as good at creative accounting as one of the Nigerians, and boy do the Hospital finances need some of that. So we decided to keep them both even though they earn 25p an hour more. Pity really as I'm sure I would find the Pole sleeping in the locker room all the time.
Anyway better start planning for my trip next week, I'm so excited.

Shalom

Transfer Deadline Day
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Musical Chairs
Well the pursuit of cheap fags was all for nothing yesterday. I rushed down to the canteen expecting to get a good deal on some cheap B&H and ended up being pretty appalled at what I saw. Yep, you guessed it, it wasn't some cheap ciggies that were going spare. Instead it was some Yank who was pimping cheap Rent Boys. I didn't know anything about it until I heard a load of geezers having a good laugh as I entered the room to be confronted by a load of poofs in leather trousers with the arse cut out of them "for easy access". I haven't moved so quickly to get out of somewhere in my entire life. Not even that time when Ronnie "did" that geezer in the pub in Whitechapel. Needless to say I'm now taking a fair bit of stick from the other lads. But they make us tough in Mossad and I'll be fine, but the others will regret their action in time believe me. Could be time to call in the lads with the dodgy black cars...we'll see.
Of course today is the big day when the transfer window shuts, and Hospitals around the country have to make their pick of the Porters for the year ahead. There's been no speculation linking me with anywhere, but I'm already at a big Hospital so going elsewhere would be like a demotion. I hear we're trying to trade a couple of our Nigerian lads for a Polish bloke who works at the Royal Free, but until it all gets confirmed in writing it's all speculation. If the DTM calls a meeting later today then I'll know something is going on. I don't really go in for all the gossip surrounding this, gossip isn't my thing, as an intelligence officer I'm only interested in hard facts such as the price of Bagels at the Bagel Bake.
Well it's that time of the week again when the local "Gippos" come and have a look at some of the crap we're getting rid of. You have to watch those gits like a hawk though, the other week they tried to smuggle an MRI scanner out of here. Would have succeeded to but they couldn't get it in the back of their van, despite getting a couple of our lads to help them. Thieving bastards they are, and you can bet your bottom Shekel I'll be keeping an Eagle Eye on them.

Shalom

Can I ponce a fag mate?
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bernie Winter's and Schnorbitz's funniest moments
Not got much time today, there's a rumour flying about that someone is going to be selling cheap fags down in the canteen. I'm running low so he'd better have some B&H on him. Smoking so much is killing me in more ways than one, my wallet is struggling. So much so that I've actually started to try and ponce fags off of people, which is something I don't normally do, but a free fag here and there does help, plus for some of the bastards it's actually payback time for all the freebies I've given them.
There's an art to poncing fags, and it's something I learnt while working for the Underground Railway in the London area. There was a real expert there who worked his way around the entire workforce scrounging a fag here or there. He figured that if he scrounged one fag off of each smoker nobody would notice so much, and to a degree he was right. Mind you he hit paydirt when some scrawny little git arrived from one of the other locations and in an effort to win popularity dished out fags galore, even I joined in with that one. That geezer never did win any popularity contests, but the free ciggies were nice.
Still on Bin detail which means I haven't had the chance to really give the fastest trolley in the NHS a workout since it had the new sports tyres fitted. Sometimes I'll place a couple of the small office bins on there and take it for a spin, but you can't beat the dead weight of someone lying on your trolley to help out the performance. I'm hoping that next week we can really begin to see what it can do, I'm due a break from moving crap about.
OK, well my vibrator is going off which means it's fag time down in the canteen, I'm off to get first dibs on the B&H.

Shalom

Busy doing nothing
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: William Shatner's Greatest Hits
This f***ing day is dragging. When I got in this morning the DTM asked me to carry on working in the bin section as I'd made such a good job of it last week. What does he think I am...a f***ing African! It's costing me a fortune to work down there, I must be getting through at least 50 fags a day, and seeing as my latest Star Of David care package hasn't arrived from Jerusalem yet I'm having to buy my own. I really need to do a quick jaunt over to France or Belgium for a quick restock. Maybe I can persuade Benny to take his vintage VW over there. From what I hear he's been taking quite an interest in the Ardennes area.
Still nothing from that TV company about their new reality show, that's another reason I need to get hold of Benny, he seems to know a lot of what's going on with that, and I'd really like to take part. I'd be a natural, better than some of those ponces you have on TV now. Just look at 'em...Graham Norton, Julian Clary, That bloke who used to have his arm shoved up Gordon The Gopher's arse, and to top it all Noel Edmonds. I tell you, a more talentless bunch I couldn't name. Then you look at my background and it just doesn't compare, and yes I do have previous acting experience. Many years ago I appeared in the famous Egyptian soap opera "How Yellow Is My Desert", it was only a cameo appearance as a Tank driver but I received lots of good reviews for it...no awards though...thieving Arab bastards.
Well it's time for me to sift through the rubbish to see what I can find, might get lucky and find a few old dog ends.

Shalom

Bank Holiday Blues
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Clodagh Rodgers Greatest Hits.
Bah, it's a Bank Holiday and I've got to work. Why can't people get sick during normal working hours? That way I'd be down B&Q and IKEA with the rest of you, buying paint and furniture which I'd never work out how to put together.
Still that's the problem with working for the ever available NHS. You're at the beck and call of the taxpayer...ungrateful bastard that he is.
Checking out the news today, what's with these bins that weigh your rubbish without you knowing about it? It's something I'm surprised Mossad scientists hadn't developed, I'm sure there would have been situations it would have come in useful. Working at the hospital does have its advantages though, I won't be paying for my crap to be taken away, those nice big bins at the back of the building will be seeing a lot of me.
It's really tough to get going on a day like this, I'm just glad it's not too hot though as I've got Milk Tray boxes piled high in the corridor at home and I'd be worried about them melting. Never did get around to making any deliveries this weekend, maybe I'll stuff a few down my own face but not too many, a secret agent that can't squeeze through the smallest openings is no good to anyone.
Anyway I think I'll kick back and relax for a while today, I've a feeling I've a busy week coming up so I'll need all the rest I can get.

Shalom

Sunday Sunday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tombola
You know there's nothing like a nice warmed up Bagel. Even better is a nice warmed up Bagel with Bacon on a Saturday. Illegal pleasures are the best.
I didn't bother going out delivering Milk Tray last night, just couldn't be arsed. There's always been something about working Saturday nights that doesn't appeal to me, it was the same when I worked on that Underground Railway network somewhere in London, although my mates there reckon I was like that all the time. Cheeky bastards, as I've said before intelligence gathering takes time and patience, I just didn't have the time to do any physical labour in between.
Today I think I'll just be hanging around in my Marks and Spencer Underpants just catching up with the latest news, not that there is much of that. The Homeland vs Hezbollah thing rumbles on but it's getting boring now. It never developed into proper action, and I really think the Israeli youth of today are missing out on something there. Nothing like being under fire to find out what you're really made of. Look at me, I've been fired at so many times, even when checking in for a plane. It helped me develop the personality and character that has allowed me to undertake some of the toughest jobs known to Man such as pulling points and pushing round Hospital trolleys. You develop Cat like instincts as a result, and I must admit I have to be alert at all times of the day. You never know when someone might take a pot shot at you.
OK, time to change the tape in the video, I think I might watch a Hollywood remake of one of my exploits..."Cockleshell Heroes" it is.

Shalom

Please Release Me
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window
I'll try and keep it brief today as I've just got back from the Synagogue and I've managed to obtain some illegal Bagels that I want to warm up in the Microwave before they go stale.
Retrieved my trolley from Kwik Fits yesterday. The new tyres are a vast improvement and I must say the thing corners and holds the corridor much better than it did before. To me that's money well spent and my future clients will certainly appreciate it.
The Russian security bods that Goldberg hired are beginning to piss people off a bit. It seems that the Skull Cap rental scam they've been running was just the tip of the iceberg. They've now come up with a fast track scheme for Synagogue entry where if you cross their palms with a few extra roubles you bypass the queue. Mind you it might be worth it as you do get a free paper Skull Cap which is yours to keep and reuse. I'll give that some thought, the extra Shekels I'm forking out in rental fees is hitting my budget a bit. On top of that the bastards are always taking my Pepsi Max off of me, and I need that to stay awake as Goldberg is not the most entertaining Rabbi in the world.
I don't have much planned this weekend, if the weather is OK I might do a Milk Tray run tonight. Hopefully lots of single women will be heeding the advice of the Met Police Commissioner and leaving their front doors unlocked. It's much easier to get in that way than abseiling down the side of a building and hoping to find a window open. I'm fully equipped for the task though, and am prepared to parachute on top of a cable car if that's what it takes, although there aren't many of those in Tooting.
OK Microwave has gone ding, time for Bagels.

Shalom

Movie madness
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Pooh Sticks
I've said it before and I'll say it again...when are those Hollywood C***s going to think up their own ideas for a film. The latest example is that one called "Snakes On A Plane".Now the matter of a couple of crates of Snakes being able to run rampage on a 747 is a little far fetched, what amazes me is that there is always an armed Hollywood star on there to take care of the problem. But the thing that gets me is where they got the idea from, and I'm sorry to say that once again it's based on one of my exploits.
It was back in the early 70's and when I wasn't working my shift for the Underground Railway based somewhere in London, I'd be doing the London to Tel Aviv run as a part time Air Marshal for El Al. On that particular day I'd overseen the arrival of our motley crew of passengers and everything was set for a smooth ride to the Homeland. It was like that until about a couple of hours into the flight, the Mossad trained flight attendants were just about to start serving the food when one of them noticed something odd about one of the dishes. I was summoned to have a look and at that precise moment we hit some turbulence and the food trolley took off. It went flying down the gangway spilling its contents over the unfortunate passengers. This caused a bit of a panic because it turned out we'd been given the wrong food trolley, and instead of it having lots of nice Kosher stuff we'd ended up with a load of Pork Steaks. The incident is still referred to as the Steaks On A Plane, and Samuel L Jackson rips off my famous line of "Get these Motherf***ing Steaks off of this motherf***ing plane" which was the last thing I'd said before the trolley took off.
Anyway enough moaning, I've got to go and pick up my trolley from Kwik Fits and get it back to the Hospital.

Shalom

Mixed Emotions
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Basketball
I'm a bit of a mixed bag today. My team Fulham/Chelsea didn't really do too well last night and the lads are giving me a fair bit of stick for it. On top of that Maccabi Tel Aviv lost to that bunch of car thieves the other day. I hate Football, can't wait until the Badger hunting season starts up again.
Still while watching the games on Teletext last night I did get a phone call from Benny. He's slowly coming back into the fold, that new business of his is doing wonders for him, and his involvement in that new TV station is also helping. If you remember I asked for more details about Celebrity Concentration Camp. Now Benny is a bit of an insider as to what is going on with that. Apparently the station can't believe the amount of interest that is being shown by the general public, but when you think about it it's got more going for it than that Big Brother show. Anyway the search for a host goes on, the latest names to come to the fore are Russell Grant and Dale Winton. It's unlikely that the show will move further forward until a host gets picked, that's why I haven't heard back from the producers. Benny though has offered to fast track me through the selection process once they get the go ahead. What a mate eh?
At work I'm still working down by the bins, but it's an easy number and I can smoke myself silly down there. Also had time to pop round to Kwik Fit to see how my trolley's coming along. The tyres are due to arrive later today, and I should be able to pick it up tomorrow. These are exciting times.

Shalom

Big In Japan
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Snakes On A Plane
I check my e-mail with monotonous regularity and one thing has struck me. I've been getting a hell of a lot of stuff from Japan recently, now while I like to get mail it would help if my Mossad decoding software could recognise it, however being cheap bastards and expecting everyone to speak Hebrew or English it can't. So if you're reading this in Japan, write in English you lazy f***ing C***s.
Japan of course is a beautiful country although I haven't been there for some time, I remember it well, I was running a training exercise for new Mossad agents, and we'd picked the Tokyo Subway as the "classroom" for that day, I felt it was about time I put my experience working for an Underground Railway somewhere in London to good use. Well the plan was to release some Hai-Karate or something into the environment to simulate a nerve gas attack. Seems like someone in the stores f***ed up and gave us Sarin instead. Still didn't matter too much as the effects of Hai-Karate and Sarin are very similar in enclosed spaces. Whatever it seems the Japs were a bit alarmed at people falling over dead on their transport system so we had to scurry out of there real quick. Took a few shekels changing hands to get us off the hook and shift the blame to some cranky religious nut over there. That was a bad time for me if I remember correctly as I missed my mate Ronnie's funeral to go to Tokyo. Even more upset when I found out desperate Journalists were offering fifty quid a go for the programmes.
Had a lively exchange with the bullshitting dustman yesterday. He's real entertaining especially when you get him onto his time with MI6. He must think I'm stupid or something, I know he's talking bollocks, who ever heard of a dustman carrying a Walther PPK for instance. I'm just glad that over the years I've been very discreet about my activities, could you imagine what people would think if I told them some of my tales. They'd probably think I was lying.
OK well it's time to get back to work, there's a load of sheets from the psycho ward need cleaning. Apparently having heard about Channel 4's plans to hold a wankathon, big ears has been practicing diligently and even got some sort of competition going up there. It's a pity he's been locked up as I think he would have done rather well and would have been a real hit on Channel 4, especially if he could spend the time gazing at a picture of Reg Holdsworth.

Shalom