Killer Dachshunds
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Russian Roulette
Well last night I was rudely awaken by a vibrating sensation in my trouser pocket. I'd almost forgotten about that little trinket I'd picked up from Madam Sue's Bondage Emporium but it wasn't that. My Mossad issue phone was summoning me. It's f***ing awful that I should get woken up at 10 at night after a hard day skiving at the Hospital. Even worse that I'm told that I have to get down to Fairoaks and escort some mutts up to the safe house in Harlesden.
I've heard about the elite killer Dachshund unit, but until last night I'd never had any contact with them. Strange looking bunch they are, don't look tough at all, and as for the f***ing dogs, don't even go there. Stupid looking things about six inches off of the ground, viscious...don't make me laugh. It just goes to show how far standards have fallen in Tel Aviv. When I was in the Dog unit we used German Shepherds, which was pretty controversial if you look at the role they played in Nazi Germany, but there just wasn't any decent Jewish dogs around at the time.
Anyway I ended up having to escort these things up to some well dodgy looking estate in Harlesden, although I was glad I didn't have to take them all the way. The exact location of the Ex councillor is a closely guarded secret, there are a lot of people who would like to get to him. Me...well I'm just thinking what I could do with the power and influence being on the local council could do for me. I'd get that anti tank ditch built around my house after all, plus the odd little backhander to supplement my poor porter's wages. It's becoming very tempting.

Shalom

The plot thickens
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Casino Royale
One of the things that pisses me off with new technology is when it goes wrong. Take yesterday for instance, I spend ages tapping out a nice long entry about Ex councillor Liebeman's situation and what happens...it f***ing disappears into nowhere that's what. At the speed I type that f***ing thing took me about an hour so I didn't have time to repeat it. That's what comes of using freebie services I suppose, maybe I shouldn't be so tight fisted.
Anyway just to bring you all up to date, the ex-councillor has been whisked away by Mossad Microlight aircraft to a safe house in Harlesden. I was thinking about paying him a visit, but Harlesden's a bit too dodgy for me, last time I went up there someone nicked me bike. I'm going to do a bit of digging around though as I think he might have been framed. Local politics is a dirty business and I think more than one person is coveting his seat, and I'm not talking about any uphill gardeners if you know what I mean. While Mossad take a hard line on Bagel abuse, to me it is a victimless crime, the Bagels get eaten in the end anyway so what harm has been done.
Hospital duties are all very mundane at the moment. I see a lot of scared people on my trolley during the day, but I use my conversational powers to calm them down. One person actually said it was a pleasure to have a camera shoved up his arse after I'd finished telling him about the Fairoaks Airport story. I think I should go and see the DTM and ask for a pay rise. Talking of the DTM, he's been told that basing shift patterns on the Moon and Tides will have to be cleared by the unions first, so until then it's all back to normal.

Shalom

What happened?
I did post something here today but it appears to have disappeared. Never mind, I'll repeat it tomorrow if it doesn't come back.

Shalom

Councillor Liebeman...The mystery deepens
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Adventures Of Roobarb and Custard
Well yesterday went by pretty quickly. Like quite a few other interested parties I headed off down to the Synagogue to listen to Rabbi Goldberg read out Liebeman's prepared statement, and to see if I could get some more detail as to what he had been doing.
Well the statement was pretty bland, all the old bullshit about how sorry he was, and how he hoped we'd forgive him, blah blah blah. Does he really think we're going to forget it all so quickly?
However what was far more interesting was some of the lurid details, and I even managed to get a peek at some of the images in question. Apparently Liebeman had been using his Mossad taught lock breaking skills to sneak into various bagel bakeries around town on Saturdays when they were closed, knock up a batch of Bagels and he then filmed himself having sex with them. What sort of sick bastard does that? Even worse, it's believed he then finished them, put them into a paper bag, and sold them on the black market at our synagogue. Always wondered why the Salt Beef Bagels seemed particularly salty, now I have an idea, and it's not very appealing.
As for those images of Yasar Arafat, I won't even go there, but at least now I know what he used to keep under that towel he always wore on his head.
Anyway after all of these details I'm sort of off Bagels at the moment, and I'll be doing my bread buying at Percy Ingles or Tesco's for a little while.
As for Liebeman, well his house is empty as he has done a runner and I think that's probably for the best. He'll probably resurface again somewhere just like the last geezer I know who tried to avoid the consequences of his action, of course that is my famous Engelbert Humperdinck story which I will tell you another time.

Shalom

Councillor Liebeman Quits!
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Button Moon
Morning all, sorry about the lack of update yesterday but I was feeling pretty lazy, felt I had f**k all to say, plus there was some hot news coming in that I wanted to keep track of, I just couldn't believe it was true. Councillor Liebeman has quit without warning!
It's the talk of the Synagogue today, and the man himself was noticeable by his absence, although I can confirm that he has not been whisked out of the country from Fairoaks on a strange plane bearing Israeli markings, but if what I'm hearing is true, no wonder he is keeping a low profile.
Now as you know, the councillor was a man with powerful connections, even more powerful than mine. Normally these connections plus the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it would be more than enough to keep you out of trouble. Bearing this in mind we can be certain that the councillor has not been caught kiddie fiddling or anything else of that nature. The story I'm getting though is even more horrifying than that, and is tantamount to treason.
Yesterday morning, an elite squad of Mossad IT guys swooped on his house at dawn. Now while I'm a bit of a wizard on computers, these guys are something else. Talking to one of these guys, it appears that not only has the councillor been downloading pictures of Yassar Arafat, but there are a series of images of him doing something so heinous it makes me sick to my stomach. Yep, you've guessed it, he has been molesting young Bagels! Now having worked in the Bagel Bake for many years I'm well aware of what goes into making a good Bagel, and I have to say that a certain part of my anatomy was not involved, from what I've heard the councillor disagrees.
Anyway as soon as the news broke, the councillor had no choice but to resign in shame, which means in the next few weeks we're going to have a by-election here. This means the area will be full of drop outs and various unsavoury characters - and that's just the candidates. I'm thinking of putting my skull cap into the ring, but I'll see what else emerges over the next few days before I commit myself to anything.
Just to show you that I do have my finger on the pulse, I've just heard that Rabbi Goldberg is going to read out a statement by the ex councillor this afternoon, I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

Shalom

I'm still here
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Cops and Robbers
This has to be very brief as I've just been told to get into work, it's not an emergency, but our new DTM thinks he has miscalculated the movements of the Moon or something and needs some extra trolley pushing muscle right now.
This whole thing is screwing me up, I didn't even work such crappy hours when I was with Mossad or the Israeli Army. In fact the nearest I've ever come to it is when I was with the Krays back in the 1960's when I'd get phone calls at all sorts of odd hours to drop off some warm Bagels or Brown Ale for Ronnie...tight fisted git he was...never gave me a tip the bastard!
Anyway I mustn't speak ill of the dead, and I did have a lot of fun with them overall, although it all started to go downhill when I got talking to some geezer called Read or something. It didn't help when Ronnie found out that one of the Snakes I delivered when he moved into that posh flat in the Barbican was really a prototype Mossad bugging device, although he found it strangely amusing in some warped way, especially after he'd finished tying it round my neck.
Anyway, better search out my bike clips and get moving.

Shalom

Bloody Shift Changes
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Adventures of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo
These shift changes are driving me f***ing mad, not only has our new DTM got a thing about the Moon, he's now working out our rosters using the tides of the Thames as well. It's causing chaos in the Hospital as he reckons that our workload ebbs and flows just like tides, so now when it's high tide at London Bridge there's loads of us in, when it reaches low tide hardly anybody's there. That's all well and good, but when high tide is three in the morning it seems a little strange to have all of us dedicated trolley pushers on standby and everyone else is asleep. I'm sure it'll settle down soon, either that or he'll get promoted or something.
He reminds me of a commander we had during the Six Day War. He had some warped ideas too, although we had a particularly effective way of getting rid of him, a couple of quiet bullets sorted him out.
Rabbi Goldberg gave me a call last night, and wanted to know if I'd do him a favour. He said he'd received some alarming reports from other Rabbis in the area about some window smashing going on. He wanted to know if I'd do some sniffing around and see what I could find out. Think I'd better not pursue that one too much. In the meantime our Russian security friends have stepped up security at our Synagogue.
Ok, well I'd better go and study the tide schedules at London Bridge to find out when I'm next at work.

Shalom

Hungover
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Pink Elephants in my head
Didn't make it on here yesterday, Benny threw a bit of a shindig for Rosh Hashannah or whatever it's called on Saturday Night. Bit of a wild party if you ask me, there must have been at least a crate of John Smith's there, and for the really hardcore drinkers, there was a six pack of Kronenburg 1664 although I know better than to hit that stuff.
The evening ended with everybody throwing their car keys into a hat. I thought I was going to get lucky but all we were deciding was which cars to drive around for the next fun part of the evening. Turns out that Benny thought we should break a few windows for luck so we spent an hour or so driving round fun places like Streatham, Tooting and Clapham smashing as many windows in rival Synagogues as we could find. I had this nagging feeling that it reminded me of something I'd learned when I was a kid at the Moshe Dyan Comprehensive. Anyway I was too far gone to worry about that at the time, and I didn't get to bed until at least 10 pm on Saturday.
I'll be working some weird hours at the Hospital this week so don't expect me to update this at the same time every day. We have a new Duty Trolley Manager and he schedules shifts according to the movements of the Moon. Be better if he worked them out by the movements of my Bowel, now I might have to buy some bog paper for home as I can't be certain I can hold things in until I get to work. I bet he's doing it deliberately, think I'll have to have a quiet word with him at some stage.

Shalom

Synagogue Day
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Little and Large
Just a quick update today, for those of you not in the know, it's the first day of Rosh Hashanah, and Rabbi Goldberg is making a bit of a fuss of things, anyone would think it's something to do with religion the way he carries on.
So today I've got to don my best skull cap and be on my best behaviour. As a small sacrifice I've got to make do without my daily can of Pepsi Max, and there will be no illicit bagels today.
So I've survived my first week back at work. I really will have to thank the Duty Trolley Manager for such as an easy week. Some Milk Tray is in order for his wife I think.
Nothing much else going on so I'll be off to listen to Goldberg drone on by reading from some crabby old book. Someone said it's called the Torah, but I think they must have misheard it somehow as surely the whole cult is built around the teachings of that singer Toyah Wilcox, I don't know...it's a mystery to me.

Shalom

What's all the fuss about?
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: With My Airfix Models
The other blokes at work have been driving me crazy with all this talk of bungs in football. I am a bit surprised by all this, I thought technology was now so sophisticated that you didn't need to keep a bung in a football to keep it inflated. I can go down Woolworth's and find half a dozen balls that don't need a bung in them so how come all these big football clubs who make all these millions of Shekels can't buy a few. Another question...if these balls have got bungs in them, how do they roll? That would explain a few of the dodgy bounces that Fulham/Chelsea have got in the last couple of seasons.
I was most upset to hear that Airfix are going out of business. Many an Israeli Army recruit has spent hours gluing together these little bits of plastic during weapon recognition class, although we were always surprised to find the actual things were much bigger, actually moved, and had a better paint job than we could ever achieve, plus they somehow managed to get the little transfers on straight. My favourite part though was the picture on the box...all those action scenes reminded me of the good old days...the youth of today don't know what they are missing.
End of my first week back and the weight is piling on nicely. I won't know if I made the cut for a couple of weeks yet, but they are set to do the taping in January. Apparently because it's so bloody cold they can get a nice discount that time of year, and they can bump up the prize money as a result. The best extra stands to win at least a tenner and a voucher for a free McDonald's Happy Meal.

Shalom

Addicted
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Terry Wogan's Greatest Hit
It's great being back at work, all sorts of people to talk to about my last trip, my only regret is that I didn't take any pictures. I tried to smuggle in a Mossad spy camera but the searches were very thorough if you know what I mean.
To ease me back into things, I'm on general trolley pushing duties which once again gives me free rein to walk about the place and do as little as possible. I did pop up to the Psycho ward - it's normally full of characters - but it was dead quiet up there. Our large lobed friend seems to have gone missing, and one of the nurses up there told me that some blokes from Channel 4 think he might be good for some sort of documentary so have spirited him away to some sort of house on the Kent coast. I know all about being spirited away to remote houses. After many a Mossad mission it was necessary for me to go in hiding for a while, even to change my ID. They once had to get me a job in a furniture store until the fuss died down. I had fun there though, and I spent ages checking out possible hiding places for some of my stuff in the furniture. Sadly the stuff was real shit and the company went broke. It did allow me to get to know Englebert Humperdinck though, but that's another story.
Anyway, I'm off down to KFC. I have a lot of respect for that company seeing as it was founded by a Colonel or something. Good to see a military man get on after he left the service. Christ knows where he gets his chickens though, more like sparrows if you ask me but there's something in his secret blend of herbs and spices that is dangerously addictive. I feel some sort of espionage mission coming on here, I need to know.

Shalom

First Day Back
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Ping Pong
One thing struck me yesterday when I went back to work, it was how much weight I'd lost in the last couple of weeks. My clothes were hanging off of me, and even my shoulder holster didn't fit properly. I looked like a Nigerian train cleaner wearing one of those one size fits all outfits they used to be given.
I think the other lads were a bit shocked too, and even though I'd had those new tyres fitted to the trolley, I still found it an effort to push. Still a few tasty Bacon Bagels, and a few packets of Pork Scratchings and I'll soon be back up to my fighting weight. One other habit I picked up while on the audition was using fags like currency, just like they do in prison. I must admit I looked a bit stupid yesterday when I was trying to get a can of Pepsi Max out of the Hospital vending machines. You ever tried to fit a cigarette into those tiny little slots they give you, and when you do manage to get one in it doesn't register, and can you get it back, like hell you can. Later I heard that there had been a lot of complaints about that particular machine, apparently the mechanism had clogged up with Tobacco, dopey bastards...why some people insist on smoking roll ups I don't just know.
OK, well I'm off to find some nourishing KFC.

Shalom.

Late for work
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Radio
Haven't got time to chat too much today, I've got up late for work, I'll need to retrieve my trolley from where I've hidden it, and I'm taking as many showers as I can.
Lying in bed last night it felt a bit strange. I'd been down KFC and demolished a Bargain Bucket of their delicious Chicken, but regardless I still had to fight the urge to eat my mattress, it's amazing what my recent diet has me craving for. On the TV set we were woken up at 4 in the morning without fail, apparently because we were auditioning they were taking it easy with us, and it'll be harder if I actually get picked for the show. Now my Mossad training has prepared me for many things, but getting up early in the morning wasn't one of them. As a Mossad operative you needed to blend into normal society, and getting up at 4 in the morning isn't normal...at least not to me. Even when I was working nights for that Underground railway based in London, I don't think I ever saw that time of day awake. So if I get picked for the show that's something I'll have to get used to.
I hate going back to work after a break, everyone thinks they're going to get some sort of souvenir, but where I was staying there were no shops, guess they'll have to settle for a couple of used tissues from Burger King which I'll sign before I go in.
OK, time to get to it.

Shalom

Hello, Hello I'm back again
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: Gary Glitter's Favourite Videos
Well after almost two weeks away I'm back. The TV show experience has given me a lot to think about. I think I was doing pretty well until I knocked off that Burger place but we'll see. Competition was tough, there were some real experts in there, the mob from the Karen Carpenter fan club were particularly good at getting by with no grub. I managed to go three days without eating my bed, which I thought was pretty good.
Benny has written a couple of things since I've been gone I've noticed, and it's good to see he's been taking care of business. He's not a bad geezer overall, even though he's got a bit too much into this Aryan racing thing for my liking, why he can't like Formula 1 like the rest of us is beyond me. Always has to be different he does, that's why he never quite got as far as me in Mossad.
I'll write more about my TV experience over the next few days, but I'm a bit on the smelly side as the accommodation was crap. They had showers there but they never seemed to work, and from my expert eye I had my suspicion that they'd used a load of cowboy plumbers to do the pipe work and the dozy bastards had connected the water pipes to the gas mains. I think the producers will be looking to get that put right before the show airs properly. Over a thousand people attended the camp for the week, although it had been whittled down to about 150 by the end of the audition. Some people never even made it through the gates, being selected for 'special treatment' when the train arrived. Never saw those people again...I suspect they were sent straight back to the UK.
Anyway I'm going to be spending the day hosing myself off, and it's back to work tomorrow. Once I'm cleaner I'll go into more detail about the audition.

Shalom

UPDATE INFO
We've just heard that a Helicopter and some Milk Tray have been reported missing from the Dover area. Could be that our man is back in town and ready to make regular updates again. I suspect things should start getting back to normal this week so watch this space.
If anyone is reading this from the Kent coast we would like to know if Pepsi Max has been hard to come by this weekend as that will offer us further clues, also could you scour the papers for any reports of a man dressed in black hovering around women's bedrooms flashing an ID card with a Star Of David on it, any sightings would be appreciated.

Keep Taking The Tablets

ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Well I've heard the auditions are over, and that the surviving and successful candidates for TV's wackiest new reality show are on their way back. However rumour reaches me that our man may not have been in the convoy that left the set the other day. There are tales of a daring escape, and a raid on the local "Burger King" which fits our man's MO to a tee, so it may have been the case that a Bacon Double Cheeseburger was too much for him to resist, still a week without a Bagel can have that affect on a man.
Anyway, I'm sure once he has realised that everyone else has left he'll be on his way back and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible on here.

Keep wearing the Jack Boots

Benny

A MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Our man is still away so it looks like his TV career could be about to take off.
I would not be surprised if he becomes the star of the show, his engaging personality, sharp wit, and intelligent well informed conversation and opinion will make him stand out.
As I don't know how much longer he'll be away, I'll do my best to keep you all informed, but feel free to send any messages of support to the normal address.

BENNY

Taking a break
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Noughts and Crosses
Well the big day has arrived and I'm off to catch the train from Wimbledon Station.
It's nice to be able to take a break, not just from work, but also from keeping my eyes on what else is going on in the world, at least until the end of next week.
Benny has suggested that he might do some work on the site which will all be unveiled on my return. Be nice to see what he has in store, but if anyone has any ideas you can contact Benny at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk and I'm sure he'll see what he can do.
Anyway farewell and thanks for all the fish.

Shalom

This is very short
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Blue Peter Volume 67
Just a very short note today, I've got to go home and pack, plus I'm playing a touch of hide and seek with Hospital security. Apparently me tapping into the Hospital's wireless thing is frowned upon, and they consider it virtually a hanging offence. So I'm typing this from a broom closet down near the Morgue, it's always nice and quiet down here.
It's my last day today before i go down to Wimbledon Station and join up with everyone else trying out for that TV show I've been going on about. It's always a hassle deciding what to take and I asked Benny for some advice. he told me to take as much as I could cram into a suitcase, he also told me that anything I could shove up my arse would be useful too. Strange but I'll bear that in mind. Mossad operatives are trained to carry things up their back passages so I won't find it too demanding. You'd be amazed what I can hide up there.
Anyway better go, I can hear footsteps in the corridor, man these guys are good.

Shalom

Wireless discovery
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Barbara Streisand's "Songs From The Egyptian Front"
Morning all, I made a discovery yesterday which while it might not be mind blowing was good news for me. I worked out a way in which I can hook up to the Internet without using any cables! I know Mossad scientists have been working on the idea for some time, but it seems like the geezers in Tandy's beat them to it. Now I have the freedom to update this any place I want.
So today I've decided to type away at this in the place where I do all my best work...that's right the bog! I try to wait until I get to the hospital before I take a dump, that way I save on bog paper, plus it's the hospital's water bill taking the hit from my multiple flushes. To save the battery on my little laptop I can also run the power cord out to that little shaving socket that they put over the sink but nobody ever uses...I'm a winner all round with this.
One of the joys of being on general pushing duties is that I can wheel aimlessly around the hospital and everyone thinks I'm busy so they leave me alone. As a result I've left some tasty skidmarks on some of the corridor floors where I've done screeching starts with my new tyres, even managed a wheelie with it. If I'm ever stopped I just say I'm on my way to X-Ray or Geriatrics, basically whichever department is furthest away from my location at the time. It's a little trick I picked up while working for that Underground railway located somewhere in London.
Anyway time to wrap up, someone's just come in to use the Urinal and tripped over the power cord, better get out of here before my battery runs down too much.

Shalom